What is Parent-Child Dynamics, and is It in Your Relationship?

Parent-Child Dynamics (PCD) is the most common pattern we see in ADHD-impacted relationships.  It’s a co-dependent pattern, in which one partner (often a non-ADHD partner or a female ADHD partner) over-functions in the relationship, while the less organized partner under-functions.  (This is typically an ADHD partner, but sometimes a male partner socialized to not participate in responsibilities).  Though common, it is a pattern that is corrosive in a relationship and is often one of the first places couples can find relief once they start working on it.

What do Parent-Child Dynamics look like?

If you are the more organized partner in your relationship and you do any of the following, it’s quite possible you are parenting your partner:

• Keep track of whether or not they are doing many of their agreed-to tasks
• Provide education about how to do things better without asking if they want advice
• Judge, and then critique, their efforts as not being good enough
• Regularly remind your partner of their obligations or deadlines
• Find yourself regularly thinking ‘if I don’t do it, it won’t get done’ and feeling resentful or unhappy about that

If you are the less organized partner in your relationship and you do any of the following, it’s quite possible you are in a child-like role in your relationship:

• Regularly agree to tasks, often don’t follow through, and have no regularly-used method to improve your consistency or notify your partner
• Write off your partner’s concerns as “being too picky” or “too emotional” rather than seek to understand their concerns
• Find yourself regularly feeling defensive when your partner talks about shared responsibilities
• Leave a trail of incomplete tasks and commitments
• Ask your partner to keep you organized with reminders, lists and direction

PCD diminishes you both

PCD generally results in hard feelings and a growing distance between partners.  In the face of ADHD-inspired chaos, the over-managing ‘parent’ partner starts to feel as if they must start taking over ‘or else it won’t get done.’   Though they do it, they typically resent being in charge or feel they are overwhelmed by responsibilities.  They may lose their patience, becoming directive, nagging, reminding and critical.  Plus, it’s exhausting.  It’s lonely. Their partner doesn’t respond well – often becoming defensive and resistant.  And, the ‘manager’ role puts them on a higher level of status than their partner – negatively impacting their sex life, their feelings of affection, and more.

The partner who is not consistently reliable in the relationship due to under-managed ADHD symptoms or a lack of interest in tasks, ends up either retreating or fighting. They feel constantly critiqued, nagged, ‘helped’ and reminded.  On top of a childhood of critiques and a history of trouble following through successfully, the parenting becomes a trigger, often tapping into defensiveness, low self-esteem or shame.  They may feel overwhelmed, or as if they will ‘never be good enough, so why try?’  The ‘child’ position in PCD may leave them with little sense of agency or accomplishment.  They are at a lower status than the managing parent figure – not sexy nor even feeling like a partner. 

Are Parent-Child Dynamics in your relationship?

Chances are, probably so. If that’s so, then the basic prescription for improvement is to become more aware of your own contribution to the pattern move yourself out of the role you currently play. ‘Child’ partners can improve their 

For the child-like partners:

• Learn all you can about your ADHD and how to manage it effectively. There are many paths you might follow across all three legs of ADHD treatment.  Start with any of these resources:  ADHD & Marriage couples seminar; our Intent to Action program; (XXX Adult ADHD by Russell Barkley); My Brain’s Not Broken; ADHD-Friendly Ways to Manage Your Life.  They all offer excellent strategies and information you can implement
• Focus your efforts to become more reliable and improve your management of ADHD using target symptoms.  See the free treatment ebook on the home page or the “How to Set Your Target Symptoms” workshop in the Intent to Action program (where we also help you select management options likely to work for you)
• Set SMART or ‘yes/no’ goals that are easy to evaluate and then hold yourself accountable.  Learn from problems you encounter to modify your approach.  You can do this, but it takes work.
• Consider using an experienced ADHD coach to help you create the strategies that work best for you.  We have coaches in our consulting group and you can also check with your local CHADD chapter for suggestions.

For parenting partners:

• Determine what is really important vs. ‘nice to have.’  With a partner who struggles to reliably complete their obligations you may need to make some choices.  Align your priorities with your most closely held values to understand what you should emphasize and what you can let go of.  Resources to learn how to do this include the ADHD & Marriage seminar and Teri Cole’s Boundary Boss.
• Observe, name and address the anxiety you feel about your partner’s inconsistent approach.  A good bit of ‘parenting’ is driven by anxiety.  Find ways to address that anxiety by: changing who does what; finding ways to effectively self-soothes; gaining perspective with the boundaries exercise in the previous bullet
• Learn all you can about ADHD and ADHD-impacted relationships to gain compassion towards the struggle your partner faces.
• Set aside time to take care of yourself and, secondarily, your partner as a person, rather than an implementer.  Counter-intuitively, focusing too much on the issues you and your partner face can add to, rather than alleviate, anxiety.