Forum topic: Anger Management & ADHD?

Mon Apr 14th, 2008 - 10:02pm by AshRae84

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD
Forgive me if this has already been covered, I have read through the site, and haven't found anything that matches it. I am engaged to a man who was diagnosed with ADHD at a young age. He was initially put on medication, but later taken off of it. (The reasons I've been told were that he didn't function like a normal child at all *more like a zombie*, and he gained a substantial amount of weight on the medication.) He is a great person, and I have no doubt that he has a beautiful soul, and wonderful heart. The problem is that at times when we fight, he basically "loses it." Last night, he attempted to choke me. So bad to the point that I tore skin off of his arm trying to get him off of me. This is the worst it has ever been. Most of the time he will start to grab me, or attempt to be physical, but then lets go, and backs off. This time, he didn't stop. Later, after the storm, I discussed it with him, and told him that he couldn't do that to me. It was not acceptable. His father abused his mother, and stepmother, and I asked him if he felt that he did these things because he had experienced them as a child, but he said that when he does it to me, it's almost like he blacks out. He reaches a point where he's so furious that he doesn't even know what he's doing until it's too late. He believes it is because of his ADHD that he does this. I don't want to leave him, and he doesn't want to lose me either. But I can't live my life being scared of my fiance (and eventually Husband). I told him I think he should speak to a professional and see what his options are, and possibly look into anger management. He doesn't want to resume medication, as he gained close to 100lbs last time, and doesn't want that to happen again. My question, I guess, is, Does ADHD cause such tremendous anger like this? And would an ADHD medication help, or what should we look into? I truly intend to stand by him, and he is willing to get help, I just don't know where to even begin... A.R.

Comments

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Wed Apr 16th, 2008 - 6:45pm

Your post was completely out of my league, so I asked Dr. Hallowell to respond to it.  Here is what he wrote:

ADHD does not cause a person to strangle another person.  Whatever goes into such an act we don't fully understand, but it is much more than just ADHD.  Your fiance needs help, and needs help right away.  If I were you, I would seriously consider moving out until he gets that help and until you and a qualfied expert agree that it is safe for the two of you to be together again. A qualified expert would be some mental health professional.

Your finace needs help for sure, but the immediate concern is your safety.  You must take care of that first and foremost.  Once you are safe--and as long as you are living with him in his current state you are not safe, in my opinion--then and only then can you work on getting him help.  ---  Help for him may indeed include medication, (and not medication that would make him gain weight).  But it would most of all include education and counseling.  He needs to develop insight into who he is and why he does what he does.  Right now he sounds pretty clueless.  That's dangerous. There is hope, for sure, but it begins with protection.  Then, education.  Then, therapy.

I (Melissa) would add to this that no matter how much you think you love this man, DO NOT marry him until he is fully straightened out.  It's too dangerous for you.

Melissa Orlov

Submitted by AshRae84 on Wed Apr 16th, 2008 - 8:52pm

Thank you so much for your response. He has maintained that it is his ADHD, but I have questioned this myself, and am currently recommending he see a PCP who can then refer him to the proper specialists, and treatment methods. (Medication, Therapy, Anger Management, etc.) I really appreciate you taking the time to help me in this situation. What scares me the most is that even he doesn't seem to know why he does what he does. I, personally, don't have any psychiatric background (Unless you count my own personal visits with my therapist), but I've done my best at trying to at least just get him to talk about it. Trying to get to the core of the problem, with no avail. He's more than willing to get the help he needs, and his physician will be our next stop. Again, I thank you. A.R.

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Tue Apr 29th, 2008 - 11:22am

I'm delighted that your fiance is considering seeing a doctor.  Please, please, please make sure to keep yourself safe first and foremost.  This means, unfortunately, moving out until his anger is sorted out, is likely your best bet.

Melissa Orlov

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon May 19th, 2008 - 5:27pm

Just wanted to reply that you are SOOO not alone here. I, too have gone through the exact thing with my husband. Strangling, pushing, horrible words... Although I would like to say to go with your heart - I would first scream to follow your head. It will not stop without help, and to be honest may not stop even with help. The longer you stick around, the further and blurrier the exit route. I'm not saying to abandon the guy you love -- but do look out for yourself first in this, please! I am very interested that although this "uncontrollable" anger may not be a symptom of ADD or ADHD, we all ended up at this forum looking for insight/ advice. Maybe it is something deeper that often couples with ADHD, or is exaggerated by the ADHD?

Submitted by rondosarah on Sat Apr 26th, 2008 - 10:31am

I am experncing dang close to the same problem. Except Im married to him and we are seperated right now. I think there right if he loves you and don't want to hurt you he'll get some help. And DON'T marry him untill he does. Or live with him thats proble the motivation he needs. My husband had to darn near loose his family first. And might still depends on how this medication works. I toold my husband wouldn't it be worth it if all you had to do was take a pill everyday if we could get along? And ther so many different meds now for ADD/ADHD. We are tring a vitimin. omega 3 fish oil.
Sarah Rondo

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun May 18th, 2008 - 6:33pm

If your fiancé says he blacks out in this state of intense anger.... it could be a psychotic episode. Nothing to do with ADHD. I'm not a professional in this area, but am married to an ADHDer that has a BA in psychology... so I understand living with someone with ADHD. I agree with the pros here - seek professional help immediately.

Submitted by Gawain on Thu May 29th, 2008 - 2:16pm

So, A.R., once you are safe, maybe you should see a counselor. There are no coincidences in life. You've heard that women who live with abusive men return over and over or find other abusive men to be with. Break the chain, eh? Consider that you may need counseling. Good luck.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon Jun 9th, 2008 - 1:34pm

You aren't married yet right? RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! I married a man with ADHD with Anger. He used to man handle me too. It doesn't get better, it gets worse! Believe me, it isn't worth it no matter how much you think you love him. Yeah, yeah, yeah...he wants to get help. He wants to change. IT ISN'T LIKELY TO HAPPEN! He will always abuse you and he will always be sorry for it. You are in a dangerous situation.

Submitted by Survivor on Sun Jun 15th, 2008 - 10:24am

AshRae84, Is this ADHD? From the professionals that I have talked to, the violence is part of the high functioning autism. ADHD is on the autism spectrum, but often people with ADHD also have some aspects of autism, even though they are intelligent. WHATEVER IT IS, DO YOU WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS IN YOUR LIFE? Please take this recent incident as a warning sign. I agree with the other person who said "run away as fast as you can." FLEE. This sounds like a dangerous situation. If you continue with him, I fear that you will regret it.

Submitted by Nighthawk on Wed Jun 25th, 2008 - 6:15pm

I have ADHD with really bad anger issues and i have had it my whole life and i to came from a home made in hell with a drunk mother that tried to kill me almost daily with beats and neglet from the age of 2 and up till she droped me on the the streets at age 5. and i have never taken me anger out on my wife ( grabbing her, and hurting her ) i have some yelled at her for no good reason but we are working though that problem with me taking more time to think before i open my mouth and meds so him choking you and useing his ADHD as an excuse is bull i think he need help and that you need to get out of there.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu Sep 18th, 2008 - 2:16am

I have lived, loved,lost, and fought with the best of them. I have ADHD and was diagnossed when I was in 2 grade at newington's childern's hospitol. I'm 34 now, so do the math, and have had a roller coster life of highs and lows. I have had rage problems for as long as I can remember,which is't to long,. I find that I am pretty good at keeping my cool until I get totaly frustrated. I find that I joke about serious things that are a problem to others talking to me about an issue with me. (i.e. wife ,mom, dad, step dad and step mom) I have always done this. I don't do this to aovid the problem. It's my way of coping with a lot of stress, guilt, and emotion mine along with thiers all well trying to proccess the situation that started the issue and what they are saying to me at the time. This however, is not liked by the wife, I must add she has not been around as long as the parental units. you see mom and dad know I 'm listing to them and thier feelings. when the conversation is over I usually go think and process what is going on. This is usally a lot of swaring and talking to myself to reflect what has transpired. I'm not say that my parents haven't pushed me to the point of punching a wall or smashing something or swing at them. I still do the swaring and smashing at 34. I look back on this and for me it's just a quick release of frustration at that moment. I guess because I'm so upset I can't talk coherantly or exspress myself. This I have to say only happens if I can't leave the situation to calm down which I usually do first. This rage goes just as fast as it came for the most part. I have told my parents to go hell in all cases and started walking to the others house, which is in NY and the other in CT . I then storm off and regret the whole thing in just a few steps but, keep walking just to think about what happend in all cases of how I cope with rage and frustration. they know when i'm going to loose it so they tend to back off and let me go. I come back usally in an hour calm and willing to listen and talk. i'm also a lot calimer and soft spoken. The reason I think is because it gives me time to complete my thoughts and be able to responed in a rational way and also prepare myself for the other persons yelling or screaming emotions because I have had time to put mine aside and deal with the problem. I think this happens because usually the argument a person with ADD is in can't comprhened the blast of questions that resemble an interogation, frustration and screaming that happens. This also happens with those coversation that go a wry talk them sudally an argument andI'm usally like stop hold the phone how did this change to caos. The wife has not learned this yet . point, I'm doing something like putting the dishes away and doing it in a loud careless fast-paced manor. Note I'm tring to help and all i'm thinking is this is a nice thig to help out, when she comes around the corner and bam "what is wrong" "nothing i siad". "well ,you don't need to be making all that noise" just getting this done. then bang I shut the door and oopen another and grab a 2 pans bang door. well this started her and me into the whole. "if you don't want to do it then stop" well , you get the point ect.. at one another argument. I told her to stop and go just let me finish and she just would not lett it go. so i smacked one of the pans i was putting away onto the conter and yelled enough so loud my voice broke. I bent the pan back into shape put it away and went out the door. Another, time I punched the wall and went to go and she would not let me. well, this went real wrong real fast. I told her when we first meet to just let me leave. then thier are the times when i leave come back ready to talk cailmly and she gets mad and either starts in agian. or pushes me ethier litterally or figuatively. I have only grabbed at her 2. both times I was calim and she hit me first!! I don't like this at all. no one does espeacaily when ,ADHD, I'm calim and bam!!! blasted once agian. you see I do try and take responsablity for my RAGE and I'm working on it. but to a point and I ask you what are you doing or can you do to defuse the situation. This may help some people here see the point of veiw from an ADHDers veiw and what they are dealing with talk about a transition between tasks and the thought need to proccess the conflit of two people. people without ADD have a hard time doing this,thus, marrage counslors. PS hope this helps ADDer and non-ADDers your not the only one to rage we all do at times.

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Mon Sep 22nd, 2008 - 3:18pm

It's not uncommon for people with ADD to have a quick trigger into anger...but it is very hard to live with this type of anger.  From the perspective of the non-ADD spouse who used to have to deal with unexpected bursts of anger, it's highly, highly stressful.  You never know when your life is going to explode because your husband goes into an unexpected rage.

 

The situation that you describe and seem to justify as your way of "processing" information is not healthy for anyone who is living with you, nor is it healthy for you.  There are better ways for you to process.  Please talk with your doctor about ways to manage your anger.

 

You don' t mention whether or not you are treating your ADD, but our experience in this household was that a lovely side benefit of treating my husband's ADD with Wellbutrin was that he no longer went into these angry spurts.

 

Or, to put it another way, is banging a dish a reason to put your hand through a wall?!  Something else is going on here, and you should work with your doctor to figure out how to get it under control for your benefit, for your wife's benefit, and for the benefit of any kids you might have (imagine being a child and having your father putting his hands through walls and hitting pots so hard that they bend!  That would be so, so scary...!)  Please address this sooner rather than later...in my opinion you are using your ADD and the fact that you have always done things this way as an excuse to continue doing them this way.  It will take lots of self-evaluation, and possibly some medication, but you CAN change this!

 

Melissa Orlov