Forum topic: Enabling vs. Saving my sanity

Fri Apr 22nd, 2011 - 4:38pm by mommachef

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD

From what I am reading, if my ADHD spouse leaves chores undone and I pick up the slack, I'm enabling.  

In reality, if the chores aren't done, then I go crazy living in a cluttered, dirty house.  I need to wake up to an empty sink, clean clothes put away, toys picked up, etc, or I feel like I am behind the 8-ball before I even get dressed.

Which is the lesser of the two evils?

I'm reading Melissa's book and reading the posts here and this one has me scratching my head.

Comments

Submitted by Hermie40 (not verified) on Sat Apr 23rd, 2011 - 6:54am

When we were first married and getting a feel for what it was like to live with one another, we went through the socks and tshirt on the floor in the living room thing. When I found something on the floor in a corner where it didn't belong I would toss it in the middle of the room. That way it became something he would have to go around or trip over, so he would end up putting it away or at least out of the "public" part of the house. This might have only worked because my DH is not the distracted kind. These days I simply toss stuff in his "man cave" where all the rest of his piles and containers are, which he tidies up occasionally. This way Im not cleaning up after him directly, merely shoving stuff aside for my sanity as you say. The kitchen is his responsibility and if he doesn't get to it in few days I just suck it up and eat take out or on paper plates. Since I wash my own clothes to and he his (an arrangement that avoids ruining my professional attire), I just let his laundry pile up on his side of the bed. Or when he leaves clean piles in the laundry room, I'm ok with leaving them there. As long as it doesn't affect me getting out of the house in time in the morning or cause a panic cleaning before a friend can come inside, or is a health hazard, its alright with me. I think the trick might be to make him deal with it, maybe for you its piling stuff on his side of the bed. Haha.

Submitted by mommachef on Sun Apr 24th, 2011 - 1:30am

I've done the piles, I've put all his stuff in a laundry basket on his side of the bedroom, I've put stuff where he trips over it.  Nothing changes.  And we have 2 young children--I can't leave his crap lying around for my kids to trip over.  Currently there are 3-4 boxes/plastic tubs full of his "stuff" n the middle of our downstairs (we are renovating down there so anything that doesn't have a home just gets thrown down there) that he just keeps ignoring.  When I put a laundry basket at the bottom of the stairs and ASK him to take it up with him when he heads upstairs, he STILL pushes it aside and walks right past it. 

I have two children to feed and parent all day long and when he doesn't do what he's supposed to, then I have to take time away from my children to clean up after him.  It's not necessarily his personal messes, but it's things that I think a husband and father should take some responsibility for and stuff that he has AGREED to do!--cleaning up dinner dishes, putting away leftovers, loading dishwasher, sweeping the floor, taking out trash, etc.  Simple stuff that if done regularly makes our house run smoothly.  But when it gets off track, everything is off balance for a few days until I finally do a late night cleaning session and get us back to normal.  That is what is happening right now--DH fell asleep with DS2 while putting him to bed and I am happy to leave him there so I can clean and organize in peace.  If I did wake him up, two things would happen: 1) he would go straight to bed and I would feel even more resentful about having to do these things by myself yet again or 2) he would stay up and pretend to help and we would have a nice juicy fight.  So I chose silence.

I just don't know where the balance is.  I'm feeling quite hopeless about it all this weekend.