Forum topic: Living Separately?

I don't have experience with people living separately and making a success of it, though that doesn't mean it can't happen.  However, if you take this route, you should have an in-depth conversation about what living separately means and, I think, a contract - perhaps drawn up with a lawyer.  You will need to address issues such as:

• how are expenses and income divied up?
• when, and with whom can you have sex?
• who will be responsible for any costs associated with children (marriages, education, etc.)
• If you have children and they are young enough to come home, who will they stay with?
• can you just walk in to each other's apartment, or do you need to knock?
• How will you handle holidays?
• who has access to which bank accounts?

This is just the beginning of the list, and I think you have to be realistic and realize that one or both of you will likely want to consider being sexually active, or at least "close" to other people if you are living separately...(even if that seems unlikely right now).

If you want to pursue some of the issues around this further, consider looking into "controlled separation", which is really what you are talking about (at least from my perspective).  You can find more information on it in a book called "You Don't Have to Take It Anymore".

Melissa Orlov

Hi, and I wish you all the patience in the world in dealing with your situation, and I hope for the best for you. It's my first time back here to this site for a while... I miss the insights. I'm 'the other side of the coin' with your situation. Although not married, I was with a wonderful gal for most of 9 years, and I was the one with the ADD, and I was the one being occasionally frustrating and being verbally abused, and pleaded with, and we both tried and we both needed our own space, and we split up a few times but found ourselves back together. It finally broke for good about three years ago and we both moved on and there's been no further interactions, even though our extended families are still loosely connected here and there... I know that we tried the 'separate' arrangements a few times. I found myself lonely and faltering more with any hopes of positive direction -- I'd become more dependent on her 'help' in keeping me going in the right direction, and although she didn't seem to 'accept' my diagnosis and tended to think of me as using it as an excuse or a reason (and, I understand that) she did try a lot of things to help me. Similarly, I'd tried to make a lot of little steps to get my own self in order, or to be less frustrating for my gal. I was on a slow but deliberate course, and it seems that I was going 'too slow' for her satisfaction. And, I had a lot of little setbacks, relapses of old ways that I was intent on 'not doing that again'. Some of these changes I wanted to do might just be 'unreasonable' to have happen, but it sure seemed like the right idea to me, at that time. I would suggest this, which might 'help' your situation. And, pardon me if I missed that you're already doing this or that... - you (the non-ADDer) should definitely participate in your spouse's treatment plan, such as, some interaction with their counselor or doctor if meds are involved; read and learn what you can to improve your understanding of the frustrations you WILL see in an effort to maybe lengthen your fuse or give a little bit (I know, it's asking a lot), and, definitely and OPENLY interact, remind them about the treatment plan. Especially important is to try to help your spouse if they are starting to slip off the program, or you see a pattern that's repeating or that they're falling into that causes you to be bothered -- head it off. In my case, it was more assumed that I was doing these negative things deliberately, or that I didn't care how it made her feel... that's not how it was at all, but I admit that I did indeed DO the wrong thing at times (and, I don't know why...) but I'd give my left nut to have done it differently, to stay on track. Consider it like an addiction or a compulsion that I need some outside help with, and guess what, help is right there waiting. I less-harsh reminder might have helped me stay on track. - Communicate, as in have a regularly scheduled meeting on the subject. This might be difficult for you as you might 'assume' that all's in order, and that 'well, he said he's do this, so I expect him to do it'... we tend to forget, or overlook, or get caught up in stuff that interferes with follow through. AND, he needs to break old habits or patterns that were learned to work. I'm not suggesting that 'you're gonna change him' because you won't... but you can help HIM change himself, which is what he's trying to do -- if he is indeed following a treatment program, counseling, etc., whatever it is. He WILL HAVE SETBACKS and it eats at him probably more than it does you... I know that's how it was for me, and still is for me. I'm still trying to find my way through this minefield. Work, Jobs, Bills, family, kids... all these subjects are NOT ALLOWED at this point. You need to talk about the ADD issue you're both dealing with. I look back and think that if I'd had a 'regularly scheduled meeting' or 'private time meeting' that I knew to expect every Thursday at 7:30 PM in which we'd discuss treatments, issues that came up in the past week, and had I gotten the 'reminders and reinforcements' of little pecking problems here and there, I'll make you a bet that my relationship would have flourished, because SHE'd see that I did indeed 'care' (I was told I didn't care...) and that I was indeed trying (yes, I know, I can be very trying.... but no, wait, I was indeed trying my damndest but I just couldn't do it). - Realize that your spouse, too, is disappointed with his setbacks and occasional bad performance. If you can help him with these happening less, it will benefit both of you. - I imagine that you do indeed need some private time for yourself, too, outside of the relationship -- other friendships or support groups NOT involving this subject matter, something to steer clear of this 'problem'. I'm not suggesting 'affairs' or anything like that, but maybe something like a social group, a hobby group, exercise or sports, church or other non-intimate relationship type arrangement (you don't want to get thinking about 'replacing him' -- you already have seeds of that going for you. Something to get your mind OFF of this subject matter in some way. I'll try to summarize the intent of this all... The ADD spouse will have these issues in their way of being until they've learned the compensation skills they need to exist, and you can help with that if you choose. You can help point out those 'really hot button items' for you, and I'm sure you know that your spouse cares for you and would do anything for you... but if he can't do it for you, it's not (necessarily) a deliberate action on their part. He needs you, you've 'got his back'. You 'complete' this person with that which you bring to the relationship. OK, it's not what Hollywood might lead us to believe, and not what you might have expected (we expect what we each learned to expect -- but we all started with a different set of teachers and influences, and there is no 'common' set of rules) so you both have some 'give and take'. This is true with ADD and Non-ADD relationships... and it's work... so don't let ADD be the 'excuse' or the reason to toss it away, or to dismiss your spouse. -- Living separetely didn't work for us, long-term. We did so on two major occasions before our final end... and that was preceded by many months of living separately under one roof, sharing meals and fake smalltalk and trying to remain civil, but it just lead to her planning her exodus. Rather than 'talk' to me any more about it... and I was clueless when I got the news that she bought a house and was moving in a week, too... she chose a 'secretive' path, and that was not faithful to our relationship. Yes, I understand her reasons, but it still was a choice, the way it all went. I wish you good luck.