Forum topic: Help Me

Fri Jun 17th, 2011 - 11:17am by oneillrb

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD

I need help.

I believe that my partner has undiagnosed ADD; the classic symptoms are there, but there is something more hurtful going on.

While I'm dealing with classic ADD symptoms, my partner has developed defense mechanisms that protect against the natural failures associated with ADD...

Most prevalent defense mechanisms are the willingness to lay blame elsewhere when things go wrong...and to turn the tables on me when I bring up an issue that involves ADD.

I'm also dealing with denial in my partner.

Can my marriage be saved? If so, what can I do? How do I get my partner to see that I'm not the cause of all that's wrong in our home? (I have my own flaws but the difference between us is that I own them, admit them and try to work on them daily...that's 100% missing in my partner).

Please help me...thank you

 

Comments

Submitted by Hermie40 (not verified) on Fri Jun 17th, 2011 - 2:59pm

Whether your relationship is salvagable is dependent on the individuals in it. That said, the statistics are not good if it is ADHD and it remains untreated. Part of the ADHD effect is blame shifting and yes, it hurts like hell to be considered the source of everything wrong with "us." I hear a bit of desperation in your post, which I also well understand. I have not been successful in breaking down my spouse's resistence to even considering ADHD as a possibility. The chances of changing someone else are pretty slim in general. One of the symptoms sometimes listed on ADHD diagnosis websites is "inaccurate self observation," which makes seeing the results of and ADHDer's own behavior extremely difficult. There may be some ways that you can change the way you relate to your partner that he/she will have to respond to, but note that it may not be for the better necessarily. After about 20 years, I am trying to change our dynamics by changing ME, and it's not going so well. I try to see things from both sides and try to adjust without enabling, but my spouse's incessant, seemingly unbreakable victim mentality is wearing/has worn me out. For you, I would suggest counseling with someone who is well versed in dealing with ADHD, together and seperately, because you each are affected differently and need that individual support. Also, educate yourself about ADHD and its effects on individuals and relationships, not with just internet research, but books as recommended on this website. There are many good websites but also a lot of misinformation out there.