Forum topic: My Thoughts Hurt...

First and foremost, I must show my gratitude to whom has created this site. Upon finding this, I thought I was the only one going through so many of the similar issues other women are facing in this forum. Oddly, I felt relieved knowing that I wasn't loosing my mind, and what I thought I saw, I was truly seeing. I am a new member to this site, and recently decided to join as I have been feeling overwhelmingly frustrated in my current relationship. I feel that the tension is growing, and I wanted to find another outlet rather than venting to my partner about my frustrations. I don't feel that my continuous venting or showing of my frustrations is easing any of our issues, in fact, its probably making him avoid them more. Here is a brief summary of my relationship (Well I hope to make it brief). We have been together for 14 months, and it has been one very rocky roller coaster ride. We both jumped into this relationship rather quickly, and moved in together within three months of dating. We knew that this may have been too soon, but as much as there was a risk we felt that it was right for us, and it was what we wanted. That is when the cold wars began. We were both at the time going through very difficult hardships in our own lives financially, and my boyfriend, he was also restarting his addiction treatment from 3 years ago, as he felt that this would help him get through the stress he was facing and help him cope. I am a person who suffers from insomnia, and very bad anxiety; so I supported his decision to go back on the medication that he felt helped him. I don't place any judgement on people for their past, as it is their past. He was an addict, and this isn't the only relationship I've been in where the addiction in my other partner boiled to the surface (this also makes me wonder about my selection in men, and why I seem to choose these sort of personalities). Anyhow, December of last year, the arguments were happening every single day, over the stupidest things. It seemed the closer we got, the farther we set ourselves apart. He constantly told me that he has ADD. After one argument and ultimate frustration I researched the symptoms and was shocked to read he had at least 80% of all the symptoms and I researched for hours. I printed them out, and gave them to him to read. I didn't tell him what it was, or why I was giving it to him; but even he himself couldn't believe that it truly was possible. He decided that if there is something he can do to improve the situation, he'd like to take the first step and talk to his addiction specialist. We both thought this would be a great idea because he is a very good doctor, and you feel genuinely comfortable talking to him about anything. I wanted to make sure this was something my boyfriend wanted, and something he thought he needed; I didn't want him seeking treatment because he thought it was something I wanted. Knowing he was an addict in the past, and learning about addiction in my past relationships, I know that if an addict doesn't truly believe they have a problem, then they are never going to seek help until they truly believe in themselves its an issue. I have really put that theory to use in many perspectives, because it can relate to so many other situations in life. After seeking treatment and being diagnosed with ADHD, he was a different person. He was able to pay attention to me, focus, he was motivated; he was a happier person. I guess, all in all, too happy. Unknowingly, he began abusing his medication and taking more than the recommended dosage, and then running out of the medication which caused huge spikes in his mood. I did not know this was going on until the fighting flared up again and I just noticed his irrational behavior. He was talking to me in ways I knew he would never say, at least not intentionally. I began then laying it down on the table, and told him that I wanted the truth and if he didn't give me the truth, I'd find it out. He knew exactly what I was talking about as well, as you could see it in his defensive actions/behaviors. He finally gave me his medication bottles, and he was already ten days without medication, going from five pills, to zero (He was only supposed to take 2 pills a day). Ayyy yiii yiii. We went to the doctor, and the doctor was NOT happy with him. I was at least positive in the fact he was willing to admit his mistake and face up to the consequences. Since then, his doctor and I remain in contact, and I dispense his medication to him daily, in the AM, and he takes it at his scheduled intervals. Now, we are here. It has been a very rocky, stressful few months. Between the stabilization to the current, things have been really great, and then slowly falling back downhill again. I feel very frustrated. I feel that I am carrying the emotional burden alone, that I am the only one thinking about our problems, and the only one acknowledging them. I doubt that he will ever act on the things he says. I have changed alot of my behaviors and/or reactions towards my boyfriend and relationship after doing alot of research about ADHD. I realized that my reactions to him were no better than the initial behavior his was outputting. Every action has a reaction, and I am slowly learning ways to react in a more positive way. I literally will analyze what he says so that I can understand and react accordingly. It is exhausting. I know that having these inabilities can be extremely frustration for him as well, I just don't believe he realizes how difficutl it is on me also.. I think our biggest issue would be communication. I feel that is what fuels the arguments. We perceive things differently, very differently. One word means something completely different to him than it does to me, and things he says mean something completely different to me than what he is actually saying. It has been exhausting these past few weeks. We both love eachother, we both want this to work, but I am concerned I am the only one putting in the "awareness" effort into our relationship. He admits things about himself about being not able to multi-task, and focus, etc; yet he never does anything to solve it. I hear excuses as, this is what I have always done, this is all I know, but in my mind; I have been able to modify/adapt in my life no matter what I knew growing up. I think he really just needs to decide for himself if he likes/dislikes the negative results his lack of awareness about ADHD is causing. I really believe in my heart, that he wants this to work, but actually doing it are two different things. I am trying as hard as I possible can to remain patient and understanding, but this is draining me and I am loosing my will power to keep my frustrations to myself; and then I implode. We have other issues that I feel need to be resolved, such as a sex life; but I think looking at the root of the problem might solve alot of the other issues down the line. I am at loss on how to proceed, as I cannot do this on my own. We need balance, and he needs to understand himself so that we can achieve that balance together; is it possible for him to achieve this without me enabling him or taking charge of the situation and just supplying him with what he needs to be aware of? I feel that my explanations are alot easier for him to understand than if he went and read and ADHD article on his own. Is that enabling him to not push himself to want to do it on his own, or in this sort of situation, is it okay; to an extent? How much is too much to give, and how much is too much to expect? Where do you draw the line. I have SOOOOO many more things to say, questions to ask; but my hands are now cramping from typing this HUGE post. I think I'll handle one post at a time, as there will be alot (haha). Mind you, I am a humorous person, and as much as I get frustrated, I can laugh at some of the things/OCD stuff in these situations. I'm still rambling. I appreciate everyone's support and those who have taken the time to read my post.