Forum topic: when is enough enough?

Fri Jul 15th, 2011 - 8:19pm by tray

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD

Hi ! I'm new here and Melissa Orlov's book has really opened my eyes to what is going on in my life.  I had a tough childhood and thought my overly doting husband was my prince charming. Fast forward many years and we now are at the brink of divorce, losing our house, our 3 kids are all coming up with ADHD, speech and language delays, sensory issues, you name it and my husband has just recently started looking into his ADHD after I began filing for divorce and calling CPS.  I cant stand it anymore. I am a professional intelligent woman that feels along, betrayed, resentful, and angry in my life. For the longest time i thought it was me.  His family and friends think I'm the one with the issues- too controlling, nagging, overprotective of the kids (don't get me started). etc.. his behavior has been erratic.  begging me to take him back and then the next day yelling at me that it is my and the kids fault his job is suffering now that he is trying to get his act together and be more attentive to us.  Why am I here? Are there any other people in my situation that actually did get divorced?  I cant take much more....

 

Comments

Submitted by Hermie40 (not verified) on Fri Jul 15th, 2011 - 8:51pm

Im glad you found this site. Im sorry it got so bad before you did, especially with the children...oh my. From you brief post it sounds like getting the kids in a safe place and some stability is you first order of business. After that, away from him for a while, you can determine what the best course of action is. No one here can tell you when to call of the game as it were. Safety, that's a no brainer. Abuse, same category. Get the h--- out of harms way. After that everything is up to each person's unique situation, moral and spiritual beliefs, and the list goes on. BTW, feeling like you've gotten duped in selecting your spouse is also something many of us felt at some point. The hyperfocus wears off, or if you are like me, life throws you a curve ball and exposes it plainly. Its like" who ARE you and what did you do with that guy I married?" Part of why this site exists is to vent...and then hopefully absorb constructive advice from all of our experiences. I hope you'll come back and vent, cry and "talk;" we're all really familiar with where you are at in some way or another.

Submitted by tray on Fri Jul 15th, 2011 - 9:00pm

Thanx! Things were getting so bad that i was wondering what was going on? I want things to work out for our family, but this consistently inconsistent behavior, mood swings, and the like are draining me.  Sometimes i feel like maybe its imaginary because it is an "invisible" disorder, but then when im least expecting it it hits me again and i feel angry and resentful all over again.  By the holidays i will make my final decision.  Right now he asked for 1 last chance and im waiting to see where he takes it.  It would b hard alone, but at least i can count on myself  and make my own happiness and be consistent.

Submitted by Hermie40 (not verified) on Sat Jul 16th, 2011 - 1:45am

Until I had a fairly close friend diagnosed with ADHD, I thought it was over-diagnosed BS used as an excuse to give active kids medication.  Most other people I know still think of it this way and have no idea how it affects the intricacies.   "Invisible" describes it well enough--it's not like he has a shriveled arm or a limp with which we could associate a physiological difference.  ADHD displays itself with such subtleness, that most of the time "lazy, stupid, and a-hole" seems true enough for the un-adhd-educated general population, of which I was a member myself until recently. 

I have not applied for divorce, but my undiagnosed DH (dear husband) moved out about a month ago, across country.  We are calling it a separation partly because he was making an emotional decision, partly because we are not willing to give up so relatively easily.  I too will be making that call around the holidays, which would make around 6 months. Well, WE will come to some sort of agreement at that point anyway.  It looks like divorce is immanent, but I believe anything can happen.

You sound like you've got the right attitude toward protecting your happiness.  So far, alone is not so bad for me.  Grieving comes and goes in stages, but I am purposing to get out and do things to create new memories at this time of my life--good ones.  I can still laugh.  And I'm on my way toward recovering who I wanted to be. 

 

 

Submitted by Pjloops on Sun Jul 17th, 2011 - 12:46pm

I just wish i had it in me to really want to give it one more chance... That is where we are and he is clearly trying...i am thoroughly disgusted and am not sure if i am pre-pmsing, or this is real feelings. Every pms episode i see him with his bags packed in my imagination. I never had pms until i had our children. I dont have a job, we are broke, i have NO family here, all my family is across the country which would mean taking absolutly eveything away from the kids because i would never want to be here anymore. His family is very agressive, very judgmental, all have issues of their own. Only 1 divorce in like a hundred years. It is again on my shoulders to give up and do what would make it easier on everyone and somehow be happy with that. The thought of being physical with this person in the upcoming future... Since he is trying, makes it all that much harder. I have completely shut down. Not intersted in breathing the same air with him. Ugh! I am at such a loss.... Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Submitted by Hermie40 (not verified) on Sun Jul 17th, 2011 - 9:34pm

While I appreciate your sentiment, I wouldn't say being on the cusp of divorce because of TOTALLY FIXABLE PROBLEM is an enviable position.  But the reality is only one of us wants to "fix" the right problem--ADHD, and that's a losing battle.  I can't deny at my lowest, I did think at times, "What is the point?  I thought this was a partnership!  If I have to set my life's goals based on ME being the one to achieve them and possibly needing to withstand being torpedo-ed by his next crisis, why bother having this supposed 'partner?'  What is the advantage?"  Not that I think a marriage has to be for my gain all the time--no way--but I'm still looking for the balance of give and take, like so many in this forum.  I would have hung in there with any hint of "try" from my husband.

Anyway, now that we're in this position, I am still grieving the loss of what we did have that was good at one time.  We did love each other, probably still do, and to have our current state be the most healthy outcome is gut wrenching.  I understand that he is suffering loss too, because he sees me as the source: "why can't she...?"  It is painful to know that all he wants is to love me and have me love him back but hasn't the slightest idea how to get beyond the feeling of love to the action of the verb love and won't listen to anyone who tries to help him. That is the saddest irony/curse of ADHD in our specific circumstance. 

I get where you are: we didn't talk very much his last month here. We hadn't had any sort of sustained connection in months, probably years. Sometimes I pretended to be asleep when he got home because it was easier than going through the exercise of wondering whether I was not saying enough, saying too much, or saying the right things during our exchanges. Since I am strong and independent, it sometimes pains me to have people feel sorry for me now.  Mostly I appreciate their support; but sometimes when I alone...  And I'm currently going through the list of firsts without him--first camping trip.  First holiday.  First trip to the ocean.  First time listening to that album we listened to on our cross country trip that we sang at the top of our lungs and laughed until I nearly drove off the road.  All painful because it's new again because you have to try to create new memories to put the old ones to rest; cherished, but gone.  What a husband and wife have shared is not so easily erased; it's permanently with you in some way.  And when you think you've got a handle on things, another "first" pops up and takes you down for a while.  I suppose it's different for everyone, though.  I still have compassion for his condition though I won't let it be cause for my demise.

Having him gone certainly sounds so good. Just be careful what you hope for. 

Submitted by Little Liza on Tue Jul 19th, 2011 - 1:29am

Hi! You asked if there was anyone in your situation that did get a divorce. I did. We were married in 1995 divorced in Jan 2011. It has been so hard. He was diagnosed in 2010 and did not accept it and neither did his family. I have spent so many years protecting my children from his ideas of corporal punishment that it is ridicules.  I knew that thing were not right and kept turning to his mother for help and most of the time I would be questioned to what I was doing wrong. I have been blamed for everything. He does not take any responsibility for his actions he just excuses them by blaming the children or me. Threw the years I have become co dependant because there is just not enough time in a day to even consider myself and when i mention how i feel... well now......with in seconds i am told how that makes him feel and how he sees things ...there goes Liza's feelings out the window again. He has decided for years that his place is to work and mine raising the kids. He keeps his jobs and is good at everything he does. I am very proud of him for that. But when the bills are more then the paycheck, we have a problem. So now i have to make up for the rest of the finances...heavens forbid that i think about daycare for the children because according to him ..if i work outside the home it will only create a daycare bill. So I worked from home the best i could, raised all 5 kids, cleaned the house...etc. He would come home and always have a better way for me to do things. Since we have been divorced I now am feeling normal again and at least dont get yelled at everyday. I do not have to protect the kids from him anymore which has removed alot of stress.  My life is now my own ...No it is not any harder then it was being married because i was already doing everything on my own. My thoughts if i have to do everything on my own ..i might as well be alone. Since our divorce ..we are trying to put things back together. He does not live with me. He is suppose to be educating him self on adhd. I question him often on what he has learned or done to help himself and so far in a month ...he has read one page...stuff he already knew. He has worked hard on his listening skills and it shows. I am learning to talk about my own feelings again and that i am important. I do not know if i will ever beable to be with him again because his expectations of having everything fed to him on a silver spoon like his mother does for him is NOT going to happen here. His parents keep reasuring him that it takes two to fight and ruin a marriage even when he has tried to explaine adhd to them. He has even asked me if i am sure i am not the one with the illness. He wants everything his way and by telling me what he wants he expects me to change things for him. He does nothing to change his own life. There was never a 50/50 relationship. I became the mother and father and held a position in which was ment for 2.....but i have been reassured that it was all my fault too.... he really doesent seem to understand that he has to take responsibility for his own actions and his own feelings and stop using me for a scape goat for the things he can not handle and get the help he is suppose to.  I never nag him for anything i just do it myself so that it actually gets done. But if he is suppose to do something and doesent do it...i know the routine...its my fault because i should have reminded him or i should have wrote it down for him...I should I should I should....I wonder if he will ever realize what he should do?????? I guess all in all i dont need another child. I need a spouse that is going to at least aknowledge what they should be doing and should have done rather then leaving all responsibilities on me. The thing is though is that I do love him so much...I really want him to get educated and work things out for him self so that eventually we can be back together. But i will never put myself or my kids back into a bad situation like that again. Father or not.