Forum topic: When they know what to do but aren't doing it?

Fri Aug 12th, 2011 - 6:31pm by rara avis

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD

Hello everybody,

 

 First off, THANK YOU for existing. I'm so grateful to have found this site! 

 

 I started off by writing a near novel of my situation, but erased it. My experience is yours! What I want to know is, what if your adhd sig. other KNOWS what to do to help themselves - diet, exercise, sleep schedule, etc....but isn't doing it? I'm not asking for perfection here, I mean, really hardly doing any of it? My ADHD guy TAUGHT me the things he needs to do, eat, etc..for goodness' sake. We've discussed things to do.  He tells me what he needs...but there is no follow through. Instead he's working all ours, not making money anyway, sleeping all day, eating crap, etc... etc...! It's like he got comfortable in the relationship and has turned into a total wreck. 

 

 I've been digging deep into my bag of detatchment tricks, and have also stated my needs gently and even in writing! With praise. I asked for one weekday night and one weekend day. I do not think this is asking for the moon? Meanwhile I bought the house, pay home bills etc...to his total credit he does a lot of yardwork which I appreciate and make it clear that I appreciate it! However, in our relationship we have no intimacy and do NOTHING together. Unless it's my guy talking about himself? Our relationship is in serious trouble and I cannot get him to see this. I even had a nightmare when I was beating my head against a wall. 

 

 I can't imagine living without my guy, but this is no life either.  I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! 

 

Suggestions, advice, or anything is appreciated! I love this guy but am so lonely. I have cool friends, but no kids, nieces/nephews/siblings etc..., so  at midlife finally I though I'd found my mini family. Instead it's morphing into a lonely nightmare and I am so sad. :( 

 

Thank you!

rara avis

 

 

Comments

Submitted by Pjloops on Fri Aug 12th, 2011 - 9:31pm

After struggling myself, dh is adhd, if i wanted to do stuff with him, i'd probably go out to a movie, go to a sports game, go to the beach, or make plans to do something that takes you away from the house and away from all of his "comfort/distracting" things to lose himself in. Maybe try to do what you did when you were dating?? I am at a loss myself? Im the opposite, i need a break, im so tired of all the same drama and same stuff.

Submitted by rara avis on Sat Aug 13th, 2011 - 9:45am

Hey Pjloops, 

 

 Oh yes, that is my idea exactly. I've been asking nicely for months. This weekend he "promised promised promised" to share part of a day, so I wrote down an agenda and rough timeline:  a) drive out of town, check out fun surplus shop. b) walk dog around surplus shop town, it's a nice area. c) grab burgers n' fries or fish n' chips at an outdoors place nearby. 

 

 Well, he came home last night at 10 [ I was out until 1030 ] since he left for work at 1030/11 [ supposed to leave at 8am. ] Then he stayed up all night working on his car. Oh, and  he was insulted and miffed  that I wasn't interested in seeing what was going on w/his car at 11 pm, never mind that I got up at 6 and I turn into a pumpkin around 1030. No way was I going to enable car projects at the beginning of the late night. He  came to bed at 530, acting like life was so great.  I know where this weekend is going. He has stayed up all night literally all week. I feel like giving up entirely. 

 

I realize this is a disease and he can't help these behaviors, but when he knows how to improve himself and isn't doing it, then what??! For example, he hasn't exercised for a YEAR. Just work. I mean I could write down basic care stuff for him to look at - he already said he liked the sleep suggestions I printed out for him - but if he ignores it than ????

 

Thanks everybody for listening!!! 

 

-rara avis-

 

 

Submitted by newfdogswife on Sat Aug 13th, 2011 - 11:17am

I have found with my ADHD husband that I can make suggestions on how to improve many things until the cows come home, to no vail.  He seems to have a problem accepting help or suggestions, from most.  I assume it's a pride thing.  Any suggestions, help or revelations are not recognized unless they come around to the frontal cortex of his brain then and only then will they surface and then he acts like the suggestion, help or revelation was totally his idea even if I had mentioned these things over and over again. 

Submitted by newfdogswife on Sat Aug 13th, 2011 - 11:26am

One more thing.   Even when my husband recognizes suggestions, help or revelations, there is still very little follow-thru.  It is a very discouraging situation. 

Submitted by Pjloops on Sat Aug 13th, 2011 - 1:30pm

Wow, wow, wow, that is really inconsiderate of him. I am so sorry. .does he have friends that could get him out of the house for a social outing that would include you and their wifes or girlfriends? I have heard that guys will never miss a tee time or sporting event or something with their friends.

Submitted by rara avis on Sat Aug 13th, 2011 - 9:31pm

Oooo! Ooo, get this, you guys. Update.  It is actually very funny:

 Things are a big mess around here today, but to bf's total credit he has been WAY pleasant albeit talking about his car care purchases far too much. 

He told me [ very pleasantly, again, I must add ] that one book he loved and that he wanted to get for me, was Dr. Laura's 'The Care and Feeding of a Husband. " Now, I am not dismissing some of the common sense advice I've heard is in that book. But really? REALLY?!! This, from a guy who has stayed up all night every night for a week? In a rent free house? Not having any intimacy with his girlfriend? 

 I just stood there blinking. 

 There is definitely humor in this situation. 

 

Cheers, all

rara avis

Submitted by Pjloops on Sat Aug 13th, 2011 - 10:23pm

That is funny! I think if this were the 1950's and we lived in lala land, it just might be worth the read... Btw, sister in law read the book, followed it to a T, and her husband still divorced her.

Submitted by YYZ on Sun Aug 14th, 2011 - 10:41am

I was diagnosed with ADD at 43 and once I found out what had always been going on in my head and how close I was to losing everything, I went to counseling, figured out the right meds (Adderall) and read everything I could to keep this all fresh in my mind. I found this site over a year ago and continue to read/post to this day. (Obviously ;) It has been a tough road even with all the work, but I am seeing pay-off now and I want things to continue to improve. Maybe my problem solving/programmer brain helps me, but I just don't understand when the answers are right in front of them and they sit there and do little or nothing.

YYZ
 

Submitted by rara avis on Sun Aug 14th, 2011 - 6:03pm

Thanks everyone! Yes, I am very confused. He drops the ball on pills/diet etc...and then acts like everything is fine. For example, when I ran into him at 7 am - I was getting up, he was going to bed! He said, earnestly and lovingly, that he was going to take a 'cat nap' and that the whole rest of the day belonged to me. Well, you know what that means. He was very sweet but that could also be because, even though I did not react, I have a feeling my eyeballs were spinning in their sockets, hahaha.  He told me to please not be upset. 

 I've gone about my day, done chores, etc... and ran into him today at 2 pm. He gave me a great greeting, then said he was rushing out to the store. He seems very happy, loving, etc...and I am unfortunately having a very difficult time shutting off my irritation [ however I'm not reacting ] 

Anyhoo, when he messes up meds and schedules and diets etc... and then sounds fine and acts like why am *I* so crabby, I feel like I'm taking crazy pills?!! Am I? I feel ignored and taken for granted, but if I bring that up then I am a big b*** because HE feels great!! 

 

Oh, I should add that I had a major trauma based disorder - took 8 yrs solid therapy to fix. It was no picnic. So I understand mental distress.  I really respect that this is a disorder. I also understand adhd and forgetting, but this is so.....this version is so...???? agh!

 

Thank you everyone, so much, for responding! Bless you 

Submitted by SherriW13 on Sun Aug 14th, 2011 - 8:03pm

My husband has used the 'very sweet' and 'happy and loving' thing to keep me here for many, many years. I used to say it was like this...as long as I am nice to him and never object to anything he does, he is the happiest person in the world. When I take offense (mild or severe) to anything he does, that is when he starts blaming and deflecting and the defensiveness kicks in full force. As long as I 'go along' with his "everything seems fine to me" routine, then everything is fine. Problem is, he has ADHD and because he has ADHD  he does hurtful and seemingly selfish things to me far more often than most husbands do to their wives. I am not willing to 'go along' with anything just for the sake of having peace. Untreated is untreated in my book...and even if HE 'seems fine' today, inevitably the ADHD roller coaster will zoom on and nothing will ever change. As a matter of fact, his 'acting kind and loving as if everything is fine' recently pushed me over the edge because I KNEW in my heart that he wanted me to drop the entire ADHD issue (counseling and his psychiatrist appt included) and just believe him when he says he can control his ADHD. It's maddening...and does make you feel like you're taking crazy pills...until you completely recognize it for what it is and start setting boundaries for yourself that include not being afraid to say what you feel and expect some sort of reasonable response and behavior.

Submitted by Pjloops on Sun Aug 14th, 2011 - 8:09pm

I'm with you... I think a lot of it is making a consious effort. I think My dh's poor behavior is a choice. It is a defensive move, or an offensive move to avoid doing the work. It is work, when they choose to try and then choose to be aware of their actions. Adhd or not, there is no excuse for poor behavior. Her guy knew he was ignoring her, he said he was sorry, and that after his nap he would spend time with her. That screams awareness and choice. My dh is doing circles around the house to try to show he is trying. The house was NEVER my problem. Its his reactions in the heat of the argument. Its his careless comments/lack of support/know it all attitude/ abusive words that im sick of. His hyper focus on me or the house right now is not something that will help to take away all the wrongs or heal the damage to my self worth or my heart. I have a hard time with all the abuse these amazing people are putting up with in the name of add/adhd... I will not allow or excuse this behavior anymore. We have known for well over 10 years now, no more excuses, he needs to do the work and not just take a pill !!!!!!! Grrrrr, sorry, i still am cranky.

Submitted by rara avis on Mon Aug 15th, 2011 - 12:59pm

Oops, I just wrote a post that didn't go up? Anyhoo, it was just another update. 

 I'd like to thank everyone who has been responding, and also REALLY thank the ADDers who have been posting on this site! You guys are so appreciated. I truly mean no disrespect for ADD/ADHD. It's just poor behavior - by anyone - that is the problem.

 Bless all of you! You're helping more than you can imagine, just by saying anything

rara avis