Forum topic: Helping my wife end her suffering

You ask "how do I convince my spouse not to waste her life on .... me". 

You don't.  Every adult gets to choose for themselves.  Someone else, even if it is a beloved partner (that's you by the way) does not get to choose what is best for her.

I think your question comes from how you were feeling when you wrote this, pretty awful and in pain, and seems offered as a way to make amends.  There are better ways. 

Lastly if you don't want to be married you have to "own it" and not make it look like you're doing it for the benefit of someone else.  No one's existence is a mistake -- you are still here to learn and grow.  How can you ease her pain?  By doing what needs to be done.  Don't know what needs to be done?  Ask her.  Forget what needs to be done?  Ask again and write it down.  Lose the list of what needs to be done?  Nail it to the wall.  Over and over again.  Do the job.  Forgive yourself.  And forgive her when she doesn't believe you.  She believed in you for a long, long time and now is your chance to return the favor.  I hope you return to this forum, there is so much here to help you understand your own life, and you have a lot to contribute to lessen other's pain. 

Gardener447 is right.  Get help.

It sounds as if you may be suicidal.  I hope I am wrong. 

Do a google search to see the effects of suicide on children.    Whatever you may have done, suicide would be worse, emotionally crippling your children.

My spouse is ADHD and I have a lot of problems with that.   However, if she were to do herself in, I doubt either I or the kids would ever recover from that.

Your condition is treatable.  So treat it.  That's how you can best discharge your responsibilities.

I knew I was a mistake on this planet from as early as 6. there were times I tried super hard to make life great and prove myself. it never worked. I let everyone down. but my husband was the hardest. not a week went by in eight years I tried to tell him his life would be better without me. that he should take our two kids and make a better life without the disasters and chaos that surrounded me. I tried getting divorce papers, talking about it for endless hours trying to convince him this wouldnt end and he would end up in a pit of dispair just like me. I tried deliberately pushing him away in every way I could. the man just wouldnt leave. I used to cut myself saying I was worthless and stupid, praying every day God would take me out. never having quite enough courage to end life. all it really took in the end was a visit to the doctor. he sent me to a counselor.  I didnt want to go. I didnt want to hear that I'd have this forever and it wouldnt get any better. I didnt want to hear that the man that had already put so much effort into our marriage should put more effort into me "dealing" with me for the rest of my life. I actually went for the meds to prove a point....that I was hopeless. but within weeks the fog had lifted. allowing me to see things quite diffrently. and the lifetime of effort I expected and dreaded wasnt needed. only a new begining. my husband saw my anguish over my life and said "lets start over" he shook my hand and said "hi....my name is....". his thought was that with such a new and overwhelming development there was no way it would take less than forever to sort out our entire history or who did what to whom. he said as hurt as he'd been in the past having a fog lifted and new eyes on the world was nothing short of starting life over. I tried everything over again. tasted every food just to see if I really did like it. sounds silly. but we both did it and he didnt make me feel bad. I messed up a little here and there but as long as I take those pills like I'm supposed to ...instead of dissapointing him 24 hours a day....I only feel like I dissapoint him or anyone else maybe 30 % of the time which my counselor informed me "is normal to dissapoint that frequently because no one can please anyone 100%" every marriage has issues, every parent has problems. but just saying I was soo sooo sorry and taking those pills to stay unfoggy was all my husband wanted. he wanted me to be happy. he knew how much it hurt me to live like that. he even saw a counselor on his own to work through any left over frustrations and to help him see my perspective a little better just so he wouldnt put a halt to my progress yet make sure that his feelings were taken care of so that it didnt come back on us later. he is nothing short of an amazing man. he said if he really thought I wasnt worth it he wouldnt have even married me. he's just as sorry it took eight years to figure out what was going on. but with the right attitude and not living in denial and a loving partner it really isnt bad forever. in our case it really wasnt even that long. it is one of the hardest things for adhd people to get out of the "I'm not worth it" circle.  it really is a horrible thing to have. but the idea behind "I'm not worth it" is "I'm tired of fighting this never ending fog"  adhd life leaves you tired all the time. trust that finding a med that works for you....can do amazing things in that area. life isnt as tiring because you can focus better. I still talk alot and dont sit still that often but I can do soooo much more now and my husband tells me at least once a week how happy he is for me to be so stress free.

Hey Clusterfcuk,

Ellamenno here...  ADD wife.  I think we all go through this crap.  I know your post is from months ago - so I hope things are better.

I've been meaning to reply to this post for a long time but i... well... uh... y'know.  Takes too long for me to form coherent sentences and type them out and reread them to make sure they make sense.  and all the time that doing so eats up makes me feel guilty and behind on the daily to do list etc. etc....  wait... is something burning?

*sigh*

But here's the news:  You will never reach 'the end of your useful life'.  Youre family, your friends will not simply go on about their business if you 'check out.'  Their lives will be destroyed.  They will blame themselves etc, etc.  The will need you always.  Your kids don't stop needing you once they're financially independent.  Your wife doesn't stop needing you once you're retired.

I feel just as useless as you do, trust me.  I do stupid shit every day and there are days (like today) when the medication isn't working so well and i'm tired and I forget things and when this happens i have to rely on my routines and 'reality checks' to get through the day.

I stll feel like a child sometimes in my relationships because goddamnit, F*CK!!! Nope.  Didn't do that thing I was supposed to do.  I. just. forgot.  And I get the eye rolling and the frustration. and yes, it's worse now that we know why, not better.

Cut yourself some slack and allow yourself some time to do something you love.  Even if that means just f*cking sitting in a chair and staring at the f*cking wall for 30 minutes a day.  My husband laughed at me the other day because i spent an hour watching you tube videos of about 25 different performances of the SAME song.  Just to see what tiny ways each was different.  Waste of time? sure, maybe.  But you spent 4 hours watching a football game on Sunday so shut the f*ck up.  (no I didn't actually say that to him!) 

Sometimes we need to space out.  Sometimes we need to remember who we are and why that's great sometimes.  (I am a musician, and after about 2 years of not listening to ANY music at all, I finally found something I'm interested in, and realized that the reason I stopped was because I wanted to 'control' the ADD and not get distracted and try to be 'normal.'  So now i'm playing music and singing again and no - there's not a lot of money in it, but it gives me something to look forward to instead of telling myself how stupid and useless I am.  It's a little dangerous:  I can get side-tracked and forget stuff if I'm practicing or stay up too late.  But I recognize that and I set timers and force limits and then I don't feel guilty.

Anyway, i hope this makes sense and I hope you're ok.

lotsa hugs,

Ellamenno