Forum topic: ADD Spouse's Family

Sat Sep 17th, 2011 - 9:40pm by Pjloops

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD
I am wondering if anyone out there is in a similar situation like mine. I live 3000 miles away from my closest relatives. I am in the same city as my spouse's family, I'm in the same area where my spouse grew up and went to college. So, almost every person i know is through my spouse. I did meet quite a few people where I worked but after I had children i lost track of many of them because I was able to stay home with my children. Suffice it to say, Just about every person i know is through my spouse. So, here is my current delima. My spouse is out of town, there is a family member (dh's) that no one likes, that I am obligated to go see with the kids tomorrow. No one knows how messed up our life is right now. I am in no mood to fake it and i have no one to confide in since it is my spouses whole family. None of them believe add? None of them want to hear it. None of them think I should be able to function on my own when he goes out of town. I tried to get out of seeing this particular person who is driving an hour to see the kids, but they changed their plans to see us, so we absolutely have no excuse to avoid them. With all of the problems I am dealing with right now, the last thing I want to do is go pretend that my spouse is the greatest person on the planet when my spouse has caused me the most hurt and the most frustration in my life right now. Unfortunately, my face can not lie. I seem to show everything in my eyes. It is just one more thing in my 15 years of doing it "because it's the right thing to do" that I "should" do because it will not upset or hurt anyone.... I just feel so trapped sometimes. Trapped with dh, trapped here far away from my family, trapped because of financial problems, trapped because i made a commitmet, and trapped and suffocated because i chose to be with much stronger personalities. I mean, sure, i could call and say we aren't coming.... But, pissing everyone off isn't another thing I need to deal with right now. The old geezer does love the children and he can't help the jerk he is. I can't stand how bigoted and chauvanistic he is. He always says he will talk to my dh when i say something since he must think I dont have a brain. The man never talks to me. He only thinks women are here for one reason only. He never married and always has a different girl in his life... So he says. He fought for our country, his only redeeming quality... He is a drunk, but doesnt get drunk around us. Does anyone have the same situation where there is NO SAFE place to fall? I feel so alone and so closed off and isolated sometimes. My friends dont get it (ADD). I tried to talk to dh's siblings but they didnt understand and said it was a "crock" and said I needed to stop thinking about myself and stop being so selfish... That was 5 years ago. This site is really the only comfort that I have that is free. I did have my counselor for 10 years... I have since stopped seeing her, we are still paying the bills. He is now seeing someone, not weekly though. Our insurance is terrible. I dont know, maybe I'm making a big deal over nothing. However, i can't stop this terrible dread feeling for tomorrow with dh's family...

Comments

Submitted by gardener447 on Sat Sep 17th, 2011 - 9:59pm

Hi, pjloops, choosing between two things you don't want is a crapper.  I hear two things in your message, the visit you don't want to make and the isolation you're feeling.  Try to separate the two for a minute.  You do get to decide whether to go, but remember lots of things we dread aren't as awful as we believe them to be in advance.  At any rate, don't feel awful before you have to, then know you will get over it.  If you do decide to go.  would it be good for your kids to see this person?  That's what would be my priority.   Or at least would it be harmless for them to see this person?  The upside you pointed out is that "the man never talks" to you.  Hurray! Next, however things are going with you and your husband, whether they're good or not, you do need friends and things you enjoy that are separate from your family.  Join a club, exercise class, volunteer, get a part-time job, go to church, knock on doors and say will you come out and play with me?  These people don't have to take the place of the counseling you used to have... I feel very uncomfortable talking with friends and family about my marriage or ADHD because I feel like I am betraying my husband when he isn't there to give his "side".  You need friends and other adults for fun, learning, giving to and getting from.  To remind you you are a whole person even when you are not playing the mom role or wife role.  As for tomorrow... you're not making a big deal over nothing, but you are living/thinking/worrying in the future and imaging something awful that hasn't happened yet.  Be here now.  Buddha said (sorta) do what you are doing while you are doing it.  Worrying about something awful, then living through it, then feeling bad about it afterwards triples the amount of crap in your life.  Best wishes.  Take the old geezer some cookies and feel superior for a few hours.  Do you good. 

gardener447

Submitted by Pjloops on Sat Sep 17th, 2011 - 10:28pm

Thanks gardner. It is hard sometimes to hang out with friends and have all "this" on my mind. I feel fake a lot. Like i am living a lie. The gig tomorrow is with my dh's parents and the old geezer is his cranky uncle. Two know-it-all's and one who is very co-dependent on her hostile hubby. Kids don't want to go, but they may feel my hesitation. It isn't always as bad as it seems, but it's just getting there that is hard. I really, really, really, don't want to go and i am feeling bad for this very reason. my dh is one of 5 and we (dh) are the only one's the cranky uncle likes. I think I just can't project happy like I used to. Feeling like a fake and phoney is really taking it's toll. I used to have your positive thinking, everything is half full, fun, perspective, but I guess I am stuck in self pity lately. Just so tired... Thank you so much for replying, I don't feel as alone as i thought i was. : )

Submitted by SherriW13 on Sun Sep 18th, 2011 - 8:54am

Why do you have to project happiness? If there is no real harm to the children in seeing this man, then take them and be YOURSELF. No need to be ugly, but no need to be overpouring with joy and happiness either. I can be friendly to anyone, no matter how low I feel inside. Consider them strangers who don't need to know your business and who wouldn't care anyway. Go, let the kids visit, and quit putting so much pressure on yourself to 'perform' for this family. My ex's family was full of chauvanistic pigs...I just stopped conversing with them at all and everyone was happier. Interact with your children (and anyone else there who you can tolerate) and just stay long enough to say you went.

Or, if you feel really strongly about it, just simply don't go. You owe no one anything in this situation. If it isn't something you feel comfortable doing, then don't.

Either way...the stress you're feeling is ridiculous. Either go AS YOU (whether they like it or not) or stay home and enjoy your day. What is it that YOU want? Do that.

Submitted by Pjloops on Sun Sep 18th, 2011 - 10:17am

Hi Sher, i know I sound very selfish and immature. I just wish I could get a "dose" of my family in between dh's family. I made the decision to leave my family all those years ago to come here knowing only DH with the fantasy that it's him and I and this new fairy tale life. However, it is still all his family, the good, bad, and ugly. I know no family is perfect. I know i put me here. Just fast forward 15 years of the same and the whole empty feeling in my stomach grows bigger and bigger. I now react physically when I have to see them. I know it's the right thing to do. I would never be mean or disrespectful or even rude, it's just getting harder and harder to push ahead without those sad eyes. DH said it loud and clear last weekend when we were with family and friends. He says i look so miserable and they feel I don't like them because I don't reach out to them. (I know it's bs, he's just fearful they may know something is wrong) I still can't get to where I "feel" that everything is ok, so it's hard to project it. With him being out of town, it puts more pressure and attention on me. It will just be us. I will get out of there within an hour and a half. I will probably feel fine when I leave and I will suck it up when I'm there and will suck it up to be the "dutiful wife". As always. I hear and feel sad for the add'ers that feel alone and isolated because of their add. I can totally relate. However, I know it is not the same, by any means. I just get blue sometimes.

Submitted by thendorbegining on Sat Sep 17th, 2011 - 10:23pm

my family is only about 5 hours away but they believe that adhd is bull. my husbands family which is surrounding us from here to three cities over. I find myself in their presence far more than I thought humanly possible to stand (they also believe it's just a matter of will power and I'm weak/crazy). most of the time they tried not to talk to me. when they did it was all wrong and they would "consult with my husband" when he was around. which is never. he's always working or flat out wont go. they all said the same thing, they didnt want to hear the bad stuff basically. they didnt want my marriage adhd problems pasted out there and unless we were both together it was innapropriate. which later I found was reasonable. but like it sounds like you have a problem with friends werent my problems (right away) I needed someone to listen to my heart and tell me I wasnt crazy. because I do some crazy stuff but everything I say or do gets overthrown because I do some crazy stuff. so I'm completely stupid apparently :) I had insurance and decided to go see a counselor. she helped me see that just because I'm different doesnt mean every day feelings and things people do arent wrong sometimes. and it's perfectly acceptable to need to vent and pour out your heart. thats part of why I like this site is that no one here is going to fault you for just saying it like it is and letting it out.

for instance I had a bad habit of seperating my husband from his friends/relatives. which adhd in me got the blame for. but once under control it turns out I was right. his friends were not going in the same direction we were, quite the opposite they were completely innapropriate for our children to be around and they were always around. they wouldnt calm the language, just say o' my bad. his family was overbearing and overruling my authority as a mother just because I did things differently than they did growing up and they felt me standing my ground or having another oppinion was telling them they werent good enough. I politely said "thats not true I think your great. but I'm the mother and these kids will not be allowed to do those things....period.". so fast forward just a bit and we attend a different church (just for a little space to be on our own) we feel free to say the rules about being around our children as well as ourselves and if it sounds as if they will not agree that is more than enough reason to say no.  now I have simply dug in a given myself a challenge of telling myself "I'm not crazy, I'm a good person, someone out there wants me as a friend" :) I met two mothers at our bus stop a few days ago and have just been going through free activities in our area and when I go I just make the innitial effort or saying hi to someone.  you might be braver than me but it scared me to death. :) anyways good luck and by the way.... you are a good person :) you sound very strong if not just a bit claustraphobic from relatives and friends of your spouse :)

Submitted by Pjloops on Sat Sep 17th, 2011 - 10:57pm

Thanks TEOB, i can totally relate. I had quite a few problems in the beginning with certain people and family members only to be "seen" as accurate and very destructive 5 years ago with our counselor. The family is very intimidating, very outgoing and party somewhere every weekend. Not my style or my kind of people. I do make "friends" very easily, but they are really only aquaintances. I learned that telling my problems made me look like an ungrateful person because my spouse did more than their spouses did. They all would prefer him instead of theirs. He is the hyper to the most hyper! There is a joke that he is the ADD olympic gold medalist in the friends of family clan. He does drive them all nuts too. There is always someone rolling their eyes at something. You dont sound crazy to me. You sound genuine and carefree. I have seen the "disconnect" happen in my dh and my daughter (7). I can't pretend to imagine how hard it is. I just am a very shy person that doesnt do well with people that force their will on me. My childhood was full of people that controlled everything or tried to. 3 dads, moved over 20 times and mom did whatever dad wanted her to do. We were just dragged along no matter how much it hurt. Throw in the step brothers that had crushes on me and no where to go or no one to help me... I cant help but feel sad that things are still hard. I'm not too thrilled with over powering men or men that demorialize women... These just happen to be the gentlemen that i will have to see tomorrow. I feel a little better knowing that garnder is right, it may not be as bad as I am projecting.