Forum topic: What have I done

Mon Sep 19th, 2011 - 10:08am by Ashedollar

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD

to deserve this? I work hard. Pay the bills on time. Keep the house up and clean. Do the yard work, he does pay for someone to mow the yard. He is taken care of and I don't say  much about him helping. It's just easier to do it with out all the BS involved in getting him to help. You have to praise him when he does ANYTHING. He work also, it is all that is on his mind any more. The garage, the garage, the garage. It's a money pit. If we had to depend on it for all our income we would be broke!

In 2009 his mother got sick. she passed away this last April. I have been trying since June this year to get him to pay the back taxes on her place. " I'll get to it" This year is due too. " I'll get to it, it doesn't have to be done now" I drive by the court house twice a day. I tell him to give me a check and I'll pay it for you. "OK" nothing happens, he forgets. "Thus and so came into the garage to day and I had to blah, blah, blah. But I fixed it" over and over. Did you pay your Mothers taxes? "I forgot, didn't have time"

His brother and sister decided that because he was so good to his mother while she was sick that he should have the house trailer and 1/2 acre of land. This was so they didn't have to help pay anything for up-keep or taxes.

After talking and talking and talking to him to about changing the name on the deed so Medicaid can't step in and take it for moneys owed. And remember the taxes have not been paid, "I'll get to it, I haven't had time, I forgot"

I get all the paper work together for him, hand it to him and off he goes to the lawyer office. He did finely remember to make an appointment. They lawyer gets everything ready, got to the court house to file the new deed and guess what?  THE TAXES ARE STILL DUE! The lawyers office called this morning to tell him they can't do anything until the TAXES are paid. ALL OF THEM. So I call him at the garage to tell him this. He gets so defensive "I didn't have time. Have have soooo much to do. I can't do EVERYTHING by myself, I forgot" I have said that I would go and pay this for him, but HE HAS TO write me a check out of HIS account to do it. I am not paying for this. I paid the lawyer for him.

I think that I will go crazy. I really do. I have married a child. He just can't do anything for himself. And when he does it's half assed, late and with a lot of gripping. I thought that I was getting a loving partner, see "PARTNER" and I have ended up being a mother again! To a 51 year old baby. I know this is just a rant, but I am getting worn down. Soon there will be nothing left of me. What possessed me to marry this man after 11 years of being on my own. I was happy, I was sane, I thought. Financially secure, sort of in this day and age. WHY WHY WHY!!

And now I have his mother old Chihuahua here, bless her old blind heart, peeing on the carpets. AAGGGGGG Just kill me please! 

Comments

Submitted by Pjloops on Tue Sep 20th, 2011 - 11:38pm

Been there in that frustrated part! There must be something he either doesn't understand, doesn't want to take the time to understand, or the interest to want to understand. He really doesnt care and will get pissed because it's something he didnt actively pursue. I'm just guessing. Frustration = avoid and procrastinate. I hope he just finally does it to get it over with. Sorry for your predicament! If he doesn't do it, what happens?

Submitted by velofocus on Wed Sep 21st, 2011 - 9:24pm

What happens to you if he doesn't pay the taxes? I will bet you the value of the trailer that he is just as frustrated with himself, but projecting it on you.

I find that consolidating all of my to do items on one list, and looking at it often helps me get stuff done. My non-ADHD spouse knows that if it isn't on the list, it may not get done. Dang, I need to take care of... Later, hope you work it out.

Submitted by newfdogswife on Sun Oct 9th, 2011 - 6:17am

I have found that the more I try to remind my husband of something that he needs to take care of, the more he procrastinates and doesn't take care of it.  I am tired of being his mother, too.  He never got along with her so why should I not be surprised that he rebels against me, too.  Unless it is a matter of life or death OR your name is on certain documents, I would just try to let it go and let him suffer the consequences of his procrastination.  I had worried myself so much about my husband's lack of responsibility that it made me sick, literally.  Stress, high blood pressure, anxiety, etc.  It isn't worth it!!!  I am much better now, after many years of living in that hell.  I used to say the same thing all of the time.....JUST KILL ME PLEASE!  Boy, it brings back some really bad memories.  But it also shows how far I have come since letting go of the mindset that I am required to be responsible for him. 

Submitted by SherriW13 on Sun Oct 9th, 2011 - 8:34am

I agree 100%. It is one of the hardest places to arrive at, but once you accept that you cannot be responsible for them then you cannot imagine the huge amount of peace that comes with it. My DH is like yours, it seems the more I stressed and worried about something, the less he worried and stressed about it. Him keeping his job/working like he is supposed to is a huge example of this. I literally almost lost my mind worrying about this...some weeks he will work 8-8 and other weeks he misses 1-2 days and doesn't make it past noon before he is home again. I wasted a lot of my life and got high blood pressure, headaches and depression worrying about what he was/was not doing. He is an adult...studies show the more we worry for them, the more they become dependent on that and the less they apply themselves to their own lives. We overcompensate so they don't expend the energy. We are, in a sense, taking away their power and accountability and then becoming pissed at them for it. No one learns responsibility by being micromanaged. We teach our children by letting them make mistakes...and suffer the consequences, why not the adults in our lives too.?