Forum:
Hi…non- ADHD spouse here. I’ve posted a few times on this site and have all I can do to not sign in and read her for hours on end. My husband and I have a very pivitol appointment coming up with our ADHD coach. I say “our” because we use her as a marriage counselor. This meeting is sort of a come to Jesus meeting. I need to communicate some boundries, and other areas of opportunity that need to be dealt with. One of the big things that I’m struggling with his the outside of our home and yard. Although he knows the “hording” of stuff outside our home and in our yard bothers me, it’s very, very hard for him to let go of some of these things. He’s made some headway in the past few weeks but it’s not even close to the way that I like my home to look. I have my own issues and although I’m neat freak, an orderly, organized outside is what I function in best. We paid so much money to get this great house and lawn. I was so happy and I could sit on the deck and relax and renew while looking out onto this amazingly beautiful, lush backyard. Now, there is a HUGE burn pile, 4 nonworking rusting lawn tractors, broken down leaf blowers, car engines….etc. I could go on for hours.
So, that said, how do I tell him that I need this put back to the condition we found it. Or at least close to it. He sneaks things in through the back of his car and things come in without my consult. Almost all of this was done without my knowledge. Is it fair for me to say “It causes me so much stress and pain to see our backyard like this. I need for us to work hard at getting it all cleaned up and looking like it used to. Another poster commented on Melissa O’s blog and talked about how she regained her sanity creating her own happiness.
One of her steps was:
2. I looked around my house and made a list of what bothered me most. For me it was the unmowed lawn, peeling house paint, and tools left out (dangerous for my 3 children). I decided we (my kids and I) would be responsible for most of the upkeep of the house together. Now, I like pulling into my driveway after work and seeing pretty flowers, a mowed lawn and neat house. It's - NICE.
My problem here is that he won’t let me touch any of it. I would just hire a dumpster, pull of my sleeves and get to work. Call the salvage yard, have them take all the broken down cars and equipment, re-seed the lawn (a lot has worn away to dirt) but he WONT let me do that. Also, I'm prepared to do all the rest or even have it hired. All the projects like the unfinished flooring and the clogged gutters and the stair molding that keeps falling off or the towel bar that's falling off. I can fix ALL of that. The rest is another story. How on earth do I communicate that I cannot and will not live like this. This is my home too and I need to create a place of peace and happiness for myself. He is not doing that job….it’s my responsibility to create my happiness and I NEED this. How do I say that in ADHD speak. UGH….now I have butterflies in my tummy just thinking of this session and what’s going to come out of it. Also, am I being unreasonable?
Thank you so much everyone.
Gina B
Comments
Maybe buy a huge shed? Put
We have a HUGE shed.......
I would definitly make a list
To me this is an issue of
To me this is an issue of unhealthy attachment and possibly control. My husband had almost an entire half of our 2 car garage FULL of boxes containing computer parts, computer cases, printers, monitors, cords, etc...he refused to throw it out..REFUSED. I got a very cold shoulder for 'taking matters into my own hands' once...and everytime he couldn't find something I was reminded "I guess you threw it away". Our pipes burst and destroyed it all. We loaded it all up on a trailer and hauled it off to the dump. He basically said "I'm glad it happened, I would have never gotten rid of it anyway and I didn't need it". Explain that?? He got a new car...didn't trade in his old one. It sat in the driveway for weeks. I finally gave it away. He forgave me...eventually.
I think you need to include him on what you need to feel happy about your home again...and hoepfully the coach can help him understand the reasons behind why he refuses to get rid of things like this. I don't feel it is even about sentimental value...it is some kind of baggage from the past that makes them hold onto things like this...and also, I feel, to be able to 'live' with the eyesore and space it takes up and not seem to be bothered by it is another issue that needs to be addressed as well. Our lawn/yard is far from perfect, but I am like you...I cannot stand to even look at it when even the weed eating is behind. I'm very grateful that his hoarding of stuff hasn't affected the outside yet, but it would be nice to have some help keeping it decent.
Take a deep breath...relax...and draw some lines in the sand. You're not being unreasonable. It would embarrass 95% of the population. You're not alone. No need to feel bad or nervous. It is what it is. Something needs to be done, at the very least a compromise.
purge
my husband laid down the law many times always feeling bad for throwing away the huge amounts of things I accumulated. I finaly got it when my husbands said "honey you always see the behind the scenes, part of what I love about you is the potential you see in things alot of people would leave behind....but everything has potential, you cant bring everything home. you just cant" thats about when I would pitch in and say " but honey it's a once in a lifetime price for that, or I can get it running I swear it'll be good for us in the long run, you just dont believe in me or make me do too many chores and things so I dont have time to do it"
I was of course trying at the time and when I realised he was right, that I just know I can do so many things that I gather things so I can do things, but I wont do them. I purged everything. he said he didnt want me to get rid of everything he felt bad if I had no hobbies. but it was the right thing to do. l need to focus for a good long time on being selfless instead of selfish. I will return to 1 hobby later but right now thats like letting me hold onto the debit card when I say "I'm going to be more aware of my purchases" :) I tried to hold onto my hobbies and projects before and just simply put them off until I was better. and it never worked.
I guess thats why when were being insightful and good and trying for a while we will tell you....you have to make us. it seems stupid but I think the lie spread about is that adhd cant do things....yes we can but it's like an alchoholic, we have to be detoxed and we are going to get to a point of withdrawl every single time that will make us burn until we roll over everything/everyone in our path until we get that pleasure high (sex,shopping, video games...ect) I think most spouses just want assurance that they will be able to let go and we will do fine on our own before too long. adhd is made to sound alot like were never going to get better and you will always have to hold our hand while we do our chores. it's a very hard commitment to go with someone through rehab but look at the lifestyle and habits we have....were addicts. we lie, cheat, steal, manipulate to get the next fix, we promise to stay clean and when the detox starts and we start getting withdrawls we binge. I think thats why we get depressed when we go good for a couple weeks and then slip back, we believe we cant do it just like an acoholic can feel like he cant give it up he's just incapable. but were not. it's just a hard habit to kick and it's real easy to let an acoholic walk all over you because he s been good for a while and he tells you he's ok because he knows has hope...and then he'll lie and say he's fine or not say anything at all and you find the bank acount empty and he showed up drunk or didnt show up at all. I kicked and screamed going into adhd treatments because deep down I was fighting the idea that If I try it, it's going to take away everything I have (lifestyle centering around me)
it's hard because it does mess with our emotions, and us physically just like alcohol. anyways, it's a good idea to purge, but if I were you, I'd only invest if you willing to go hard core and detox him of his selfish life and you cannot believe him when he says he's fine, your ruining his life, you hate him because he's not like you, you dont love him....all of those things are said out of a base beliefe in us that we cant escape our drive to drink (or pleasure) but it doesnt last forever. we either leave to find someone who will let us drink, or we get through the detox and sober up and start seeing the truth of the hold our addiction has on us.
I had no idea
This is the first time I have made the connection between ADHD and my need to be constantly vigilant about things appearing in the yard that don't belong there...about the collection of gear, accessories and supplies from hobbies or projects he hasn't been doing for 5, 10, 15, 20, 25 years. But I have made some progress getting him to work on clearing out. I repeated the message quite a few times until it got through that there is no room for good things to come into our life if our life is full of things from the past. That by opening up space in the basement, workshop or his office, he will allow more of the good things he wants in life to enter in. He understands by things I am not just talking about physical items, I'm talking about experiences. I reminded him about those rare occasions when the workshop has been "clean" it gave him new energy and enthusiasm to start something new. But that keeping space for good things to come into your life is something we have to do on a regular basis. This seemed to make sense to him after several (short!) talks with him about it. I also made clear that all the stuff is hurting me. And if the stuff is more important than me, well..... I'm quite convinced if he lived alone he would be a hoarder. But he can't work on the clearing out alone, I have to be there to act not as supervisor but as a "lackey" running and fetching. And as soon as the anxiety gets too great, he's done. But we are making progress. That English guy who does the home organizing shows has some great concepts that resonate with people, I'm paraphrasing here.... This (item) is not your experience of (blank). You will always have that in your heart and mind. And the "making space" idea above. I've even had to promise my husband that if he ever "needs" the particular item he can't let go of, I will buy him a new one. But I'm pretty sure he's never going to go back-country hiking again, nor scuba diving, or "need" more than one broken chainsaw. Once when I couldn't get rid of a cement mixer on the front porch (weird, huh?) I took a photo of it, printed it and said. Look. Please. See what I see. It was gone in three days. (My guy is a photographer, so his eye is very sharp when looking at photos, but perhaps other ADDers have that ability, too). I think ADHDers don't "see" all the stuff at once, they see each individual valuable item, so it doesn't "add up" to very much stuff... it's a lot of individual items, none of which taken alone we would object to. You have to find a way to show how "much" there really is. Or how it really "looks" to make the point. And yes, like TheEndOrBeginning says, sometimes you have to force them.
Forcing might be the only alternative
My husband would never do it
My husband would never do it without help. If anything gets done, we do it together...and like Gardender's husband, once he's done..he's done. I usually do the majority of the work, he never stays 'til the end'. Don't set him up for failure by saying he has to do it, better to say "I would like to set aside (insert date) for you and I to tackle the clean up, is that OK?" and be there with him to do it. OR better yet, if he'd agree to it, then let someone else come in and do it. Offer to hire someone and do it while he's gone if he'll agree. The less involved he is, the better..possibly.
Too much stuff
It's really helpful to get the ADD perspective on this. My partner is a clutter-bug, though not as bad as described by many here. We live in separate houses, which makes it easier for me, though we're contemplating moving in together and I get anxious whenever I think about it. My partner Max has admitted, "I really like things neat the way you do, but I just can't accomplish it." I think the bigger issue, though, is the lack of balance in the relationship. "Do I have a right to say this?" the original spouse asked when she started this thread. Yes, yes, yes. At one point in my relationship (now in its 11th year), I realized what I wanted had equal weight to what he wanted. Duh! One of the problems was I waited until I was angry to take a stand because I needed the power of anger to get me to speak up for myself. Gradually, I've learned to be straightforward, clear, and neutral. "You know, I love you, but I am overwhelmed and depressed having all this clutter around. If it continues, I will not be able to go on." Then you have to stick to that.
Wow to the last two posts