Forum topic: ADD Father Moved Out, Now Very Little Communication with Children

Thu Sep 29th, 2011 - 2:20am by add

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD

My husband moved out of the house over a year ago and has communicated very little with our children since then.  Calls them very little and sees them only once a year.  Doesn't even ask me how they are doing.  Is there anyone else out there that has experienced this same thing?  I cannot understand how a parent can do this to their children.    

Comments

Submitted by js on Sat Oct 1st, 2011 - 7:38pm

I'm so sorry to hear about this situation.  I spent many years of my marriage trying to remind my husband to spend time and connect with our kids.  When he took a job that required a lot of travel, he completely ignored them.  He would go 10 days at a time and not even call or make an effort to contact us.  When they're not in front of him, he doesn't think about them.  

I hate to say it, but it's not your problem.  It's his.  All you can do is provide the most loving and stable environment possible for them.

Submitted by Pjloops on Sat Oct 1st, 2011 - 9:49pm

How old are the children? Does the dad live out of state? My dad never, ever called me after the divorce. I always called him. He said he didn't want to talk to my mom. I can't blame him, she cheated on him. However, have your kids call him once in a while. They will thank you for making the effort. It will help them with the "abandonment" they will feel later on. no matter how awful their dad is being, children still need to talk to their parents. Even if he is a jerk, it will still help them when they realize all of these bad feelings are backing up on them. It will not be easy, but, ultimately you learn that "you, alone" will provide for yourself what you need. You don't want your children thinking terrible things about themselves because of the poor behavior of the dad. And, they will, no matter what they have seen by their father's poor behavior. Children have a magical way of blaming themselves. I know that being a parent is a priviledge, and a gift, one that he clearly does not deserve... But, you can help your children so much by having them call their dad at least once ot twice a month. The dad does not deserve what he will get out of it, but your children may flourish because of it AND they will see that YOU helped to provide it for them. They will see that YOU did what was right and YOU did everything in their best interest. If the dad doesn't respond, then that is on him, but the kids will know they tried and it wasn't anything they did or didn't do. They won't lay awake at night feeling bad, wondering why dad doesn't call them - because they made the call (undeserving for the dad, but desperately needed for the child). As they get older, They will know that dad was a jerk and doesn't deserve a relationship with them. It will make them stronger and they will feel less empty and less worthless.... I had 3 dads, so multiply all of the above by three. I made the effort, i called them, i reached out and I got what I needed and I also saw what I needed to see to not blame myself for their faults. When i started to wonder why my dad hadn't called me, I called and asked why he hadn't called, this led to his feeling bad, so, in return, he pumped me up, and I felt better. I know it sounds crazy, but i got a boost every now and then and it made me feel better.... I also KNOW in their own way, they were all terrible fathers...

Submitted by newfdogswife on Sun Oct 2nd, 2011 - 1:07pm

It is a sad situation, that I am a part of, too.  I have had a hard time understanding this also and it truly breaks my heart.  I'm not trying to make excuses for my husband as he has chosen to be absent from the upbringing of our daughter but I think it has to do alot with his childhood.  He experienced abandonment and even though he doesn't want to admit it, I think it has taken a toll on him.  It is all he has ever known and instead of trying to break that curse, he just continues to live in it.  Luckily, our daughter has survived this without too many scars and I have tried to provide as much love, safety and stability that I could to overcome the lack of this from her father.  It has been about six months since they have seen each other, for maybe 2 hours at the most and all he talked about was himself.  He never asks me how she is doing.  Out of site, out of mind!  I just feel sorry for him when he is old and lonely and all by himself.  Surely, he can't expect her to be there for him as he was very rarely there for her.  I hate it for him. 

buckeyeaaron's picture

Submitted by buckeyeaaron on Mon Oct 17th, 2011 - 10:52am

I have pretty severe ADHD and couldn't imagine not communicating with my children.  It kills me to be away from my kids and not to spend time with them.  That being said, I often use avoidance as a coping mechanism.  If I put my mind on something else, I able to forget what is really happening and going on around me.  I can only imagine this is what is happening in your case.  I hope things get better for you and your children.

Hi, I'm Aaron and I have ADHD.

Submitted by add on Mon Oct 17th, 2011 - 1:08pm

Thank you to those who responded to my original post.  Since I first wrote, still no contact from their Dad.  My son is 20 living at home but he has depression and is really struggling with his ADD.  Yes, my husband moved to another state.  Aaron I appreciated your ideas coming from someone who has ADD.  I would love to hear from others with ADD for their thoughts of why this could be happening.  This disconnect didn't just start when he moved out, it has been going on the entire 20-25 yrs so I guess I shouldn't be surprised but it still amazes me there would be absolutely no contact for so long especially when you have a son who is not doing well emotionally and mentally.