Forum topic: Soooo angry!!

Oh. Sweetie.  Big Hug. 

Now sit down and listen.  Put aside your crappy coping mechanisms.  You may have heard me describe my guy's crappy coping mechanisms as the Three Stooges:  Distort, deny, deflect.  I'm afraid to tell you have your own.  (Me too:  martyrdom, mostly) Haven't named them yet, but once they have been identified, perhaps you will name them, and make a collage about them, and laugh in their faces some day.

First let's get clear.  We are no longer talking about ADHD in your spouse.  We're talking about a failed relationship due to whatever. At this point you're not ready to give it up.  That's okay.  What follows is for you, not your marriage, however it goes in the future.  And all this is offered like a firm, loving mom would try to do.  So picture me, mid 50's, cute as hell, despite being pudgy, sitting at your table, believing you are so fabulous, but caught in a sticky web.  I reach out my hand, and you grab it, and, with your other hand, let go of that sticky web.  That part is key.  So, this is offered with love. 

Next:  You're 38 years old with two kids and enough baggage for 6 people... no man is going to want that.  So you are saying you want to keep this guy because you'll never get another?  I know you love him.  Good.  Love is good.  Love him from afar, where it is safer.  You can love him forever, so long as you can love without clinging. I still love people I haven't seen in 30 years.  And you can't predict the future, --you are having enough trouble seeing the present.  Who are you -- God?  You know such things at the wise old age of 38?  Sell some of those suitcases on EBay.  Put one or two in the attic in case you need them later.  But at the very least, stop carrying them every where you go.  Put . Them.  Down. 

Next:  I have no friends here.  I have always worked so much that I haven't had time to make them.  Make time.  Say yes to the next person who asks you to do something with them or for them.  Look around and find that woman who you thought was funny, or interesting or stylish.   Make conversation and invite them out for coffee.  Broke?  It doesn't have to be Starbucks -- a gas station capuccino isn't really bad when you're desperate.  Look for someone else who appears to need a friend, but doesn't have one.  That you have no friends has nothing to do with time.  Ouch.  Sorry.

Next:  I am scared of being alone.  You are already alone.  And you're still breathing.  I repeat, you are already "alone" as regards your marriage.  If you believe in God, remember that he is holding you in the palm of his hand.  If you believe in the Universe, remember that you contain within you a unique individual bit of universal "sparkle" that can never go out, no matter how bad things get, and you will carry that sparkle within you until the end of your time, when you and your sparkle will return to the universe.  And between now and then, NOTHING can happen to you that will put that sparkle out.  NOTHING. 

Next:  you have finances under control.  YAY!  Good for you!  You are awesome! 

Next:  you have children (so actually you're not alone!)  You will be the woman they look back on and say, "that woman just kept on, kept true to herself and made her own life and a good life for us, despite all that crap.  I want to be like my Mom."  Now since it appears you and your Mom don't have a good relationship or any at all, you need to look around and see who you could use as a role model.  You don't even need to know this person, or get them to adopt you. :)  Maybe it's your mother-in-law?  You can keep her forever, you know, whatever happens.  You don't need to put her in the "middle" to keep her as a friend and role model.  But because she is his mom, she might not be able to be yours.  But she can be a wise older friend.  You just identify what they might be doing that you'd like to try.  I was your age when my mother died.  She loved me unconditionally, thought I was great, but could point out when I was bullshitting myself.  I still miss her every day, but I can "channel" her when I need to, and almost hear her voice in my ear, guiding me, when I stop and ask and listen.  That mom voice can live in your head and guide you, too.  When you're crying and down and empty and don't know what to "do" ask yourself, if my child were in this state, how would I help them, what would I say?  Then listen, and don't argue.  Watch out for the tendency to find "reasons" you can't do what would actually be helpful.  That would be one of your crappy coping mechanisms.

Next:  call United Way in your area, and ask if they have any suggestions for counseling for someone without insurance or money.  If you are a religious person, try a church.  But be sure it feels like the right person... most pastors are not trained counselors and many are not naturally good at it.  Keep persisting -- have you really looked under every rock?

Next:  meditate at least 15 minutes a day.  If you don't know how, let me know.  (You do know how, but may not know that you know.)

Next:  Spend your time doing not thinking.  This is easy.  Do what you are doing while you are doing it.  If you are preparing dinner, do it with all your attention.  If you are bathing your kids, do it with all your attention.  If you are driving to work, do it with all your attention.  Enough, already.  Thinking is making you miserable.  You are whirling in a vortex of pain and fear.  You are like the Lutheran ministers who fell off the pontoon boat in a Garrison Keillor story.  They were thrashing and panicking and getting tangled in the weeds, clinging and pulling at each other, terrified they would drown.  They were so terrified they couldn't hear the pontoon boat driver yelling at them.  He was yelling "Stand up!  Stand up!"  They had fallen into four feet of water.

Dear Needs... Stand up!  Love.