Forum topic: ADHD and Disconnection from People

Tue Mar 6th, 2012 - 9:00am by gratitudeiskey

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD
Hi everyone: This Saturday, my H and I will be visiting our ADHD coach to have a very serious and pivitol session regarding where to go in our marriage. I was hoping someone might be able to answer a question about ADHD and “connection”. My husband, was doing better for awhile and now, in the last year has become even more detached from our 6 yr old daughter and me. He spends almost every night either working on his RC cars, playing on his phone in bed or attached to a gaming controller in our basement playing video games. It’s so difficult to even get a 10 min conversation with him. If I do,it better be something that’s engaging or he’s lost almost immediately. He is on meds and we are working with a psychologist and ADHD coach who are wonderful. He stopped going to the ADHD coach about a year ago stating we didn’t really “need” to go anymore..things were fine. Last night, after going to Florida and being away from me for 4 days, I came home and he just looked at me and said “Hi”. That’s it. No hug, no nothing. He hugged our daughter a bit and told her he missed her but that was really the extent of it. He went into the LR and started playing on phone and was lost to us again. Is that part of the ADHD? That void, hollow, disconnected thing? I know he loves us both. It’s just a true struggle for him and it’s a struggle for me and my daughter to love someone who gives so little of himself to us and we are left feeling lost and alone. My daughter cries and says she thinks he doesn’t love her. It breaks my heart! Any insights would be great. Thanks to so many of you who always give me hope...Gina B

Comments

Submitted by tdsb12 on Tue Mar 6th, 2012 - 10:38am

Yes, I feel that this is part of the ADHD.  I have been reading up on ADHD after realizing it effected my last relationship (After the fact I realized it, not during it) and this is something that I felt was happening with my EX too but I just thought she wasn't that into me.  However, thinking back on it and having read a few ADD books it seems to be a common thing.  In Delivered from Distraction they talk about "connecting" being a very important thing and learning how to connect with people.  Have you read any of the books about ADD and relationships like Melissa's book or "is it you, me or add"?  I am not sure how much you have learned about ADD yourself besides going to coaching with your husband but I recommend reading up as much as you can.  I haven't read Melissa's book but I think she has an online module about re-gaining that "connection".  She posted it on her blog recently .  

Submitted by gratitudeiskey on Mon Mar 12th, 2012 - 10:54am

So I wanted to post to share my experience from the ADHD coaching appointment with my husband. This past Saturday we went and it was a pivitol session in that I told him that if he didn’t work on his behaviors (not just rely on meds) and start engaging with my daughter and I, we would have to separate. It was so, so hard to do. The stress going into the session was just overwhelming but I did it. Our ADHD coach helped us so much and was so understanding and validating of both sides and helped the communication along. In the end, once I delivered the true message and outlined my boundaries, needs and expectations, I saw this look come over his face. It’s almost one of defiance. I panicked. I thought “Oh crap, he’s thinking that this is to hard..if I’m giving up…so is he”. I started to back pedal and say “Well, maybe if we just pick one thing of the list….” He immediately said “Stop. Stick to your guns. You are asking for reasonable things. It’s just that, for me, they are very hard”. What I realized is that he is only comfortable doing what he wants to do. Not because he’s a horrible person but because he likes the constant positive stimulation in his brain. When I ask him to help me put our child to bed and he has to stop gaming, it’s very difficult for him. When asked what he was feeling after hearing what I had to say he was very candid and said there were lots of feelings. The first feeling is that this is just going to be too hard. The work it’s going to take to change is simply too hard and ending the marriage sounded like the path of least resistance. Then he said another feeling came to mind that the thought of giving up and only wanting to stay in his “my things my way” world is childish. That childish mindset doesn’t fit into an adult world of spouse and father. So, he said he’s going to try. Not so much for us but because he needs to do this for himself. He’s going to Skype with our ADHD coach twice a week for two 15 min sessions and then we’ll go see her as a couple every other month for an hour and a ½. He’ll continue going to his med doctor also and I will go with him to that appointment every other month because, he agrees that he can’t determine what’s really going on with the meds. What he thinks is working may not really be working in actuality. Am I hopeful? I’d like to be…I’m more on the side of cautiously hopeful. He said it himself…we’ve been here before…at this place where he says that he’ll do the work and then it gets hard, he abandons the work, I accept the abandonment and not wanting to rock the boat will just turn to quiet anger and resentment and we’ll live in that space for a few years until it comes to a head. This time though, the difference is me because I’m done with the cycle. This is the last opportunity. It’s hurting our daughter to be in home with a father who is present and unengaged. I can handle the abandonment, but she’s really struggling with it and feeling unloved and very sad. No 6 year old should be that way. It’s confusing to have someone you love retreat to the basement and just ignore you and you ask them to play and they say they won’t. Watching her go through that is heartbreaking and I can’t do it anymore. I hope this ends up a reasonably happy ending. I’m not looking for perfection at all. I’m looking just for effort. To see that he’s trying to create a different pattern. I’m working my hind end off and it’s made me a better person for all this hard work. I have a lot of my own stuff that I bring to the table that’s damaging and I’ve laid it out on the table as well. While he’s working on his stuff, I’m going to be working on mine. I told him this isn’t just about him and what he’s done/hasn’t done and how he’s just some horrible person. This is ADHD…not something he chose to have. This is about us trying to get through this as a family. Understanding each others strengths and weaknesses and using those to create a balancing act. I pray we get through it in tact. I pray that my 6 year old never had to chose and gets to keep her family that she so dearly loves. But, I can only control my side of the street, my actions, my own work. Thanks to everyone who has helped me through this. It’s so very difficult.

Submitted by tdsb12 on Mon Mar 12th, 2012 - 2:33pm

I am hoping you guys can get the ADHD symptoms under control and that things improve.  Looks like you are taking a good approach to it.