Forum topic: Newly weds- both ADD in very different ways

Tue Jan 29th, 2008 - 12:37pm by frecks0328

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD
My husband and I have been married for a little over a month now, and although it is such a short amount of time we are already facing the issue that we are very different people. We both have been diagnosed with ADD. My husband was diagnosed about 2 years ago and I was diagnosed almost 1 year ago. Some might think that this similarity makes our marriage easy; however, sometimes we are so different that I begin to wonder if I have ADD at all! My ADD seems to be coupled with a more anxious obsessive compulsive nature where my husband is forgetful and lacks intuition. We are running into issues with space around the house and me having to repeat myself every five minutes and then I get frustrated and upset because I am picking up after him and repeating myself over and over again which makes me anxious and in turn angry. It’s horrible! I get to the point with him where I can not even control the words coming out of my mouth. It hurts me so bad. I know it hurts him too. I love my husband very much, but we are young and this is starting to feel like overwhelming. He loves to go,go,go. If it were up to him we would be doing something every night. I have these same urges but I know that I have fibromyalgia and need to have 8 hours of sleep and keep my space organized or I will start to spiral back into my unorganized lifestyle. It seems as though I have developed a better grasp of organization, memory, and reading social cues where my husband can control his emotions better. But of course, when we fight we both get very defensive and can argue for hours. I feel like I have some very valid points but I am too forgiving so although my intention is to help our relationship I always give in. My husband uses his ADD as a crutch to constantly justify when he does something wrong. He says he is not using it as a crutch but rather just explaining why he does what he does, but I can’t understand why if I can overcome my socially unacceptable and inconsiderate actions why he can’t too! I know this is a lot of rambling but I have only been married a month and I already feel like we are failing at this marriage! I have already threatened with leaving him and he didn’t even take me seriously (which of course upset me more!) There are a lot of posts on here about a non ADHD spouse and a ADHD spouse finding common ground, but what if we are both ADD in very different ways? Are we doomed?

Comments

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Thu Jan 31st, 2008 - 6:25pm

I invite as many 2-ADD couples to chime in on this as possible with your opinions!  Here are my ideas: 

Dr. Hallowell has always said - having ADD can be a reason for something you do, but should never be used as an excuse.  Your husband needs to understand this or his marriage will soon be just another statistic.  That said, it is hard to differentiate between the two, so let me give you just one example.

Your husband misses an appointment that you both agreed to attend.  The reason he missed the appointment is his inability to focus on it.  However, he now needs to figure out how to make sure he won't miss his next appointment.  If he makes no effort in this direction, he is now using ADD as an excuse.  If he makes an effort (gets his assistant to call him and remind him, for example, or sets an alarm, or hangs a big note on the refridgerator) and misses the appointment again, then he is not using ADD as an excuse...he just didn't find the right coping strategy yet and he needs to try a new one until he finds one that works (which he'll likely be able to use for other things, too).  BUT, if he makes no effort...then that's using ADD as an excuse.

The fact is, marriage is hard work - for both partners.  The rewards for that hard work can be amazing, but there isn't any honest person on the planet that won't tell you that marriage takes a lot of effort, a lot of negotiation, a good deal of patience and humor.  We do ourselves a disservice when we buy into what the periodicals tell us about what a marvellous joy every single day will be!

You are not doomed.  People who are polar opposites get married all the time (you've probably heard the saying "opposites attract"?)  It does sound, though, as if you are having a particularly difficult time with the adjustment that all newlyweds go through at some point when they start living together as a married couple.  Even if you were living together before you got married, picking his socks up again and again seems a whole lot more awful when you are looking at it from the perspective of FOREVER!  If you haven't lived together before then there are many adjustments that understandably have to be made with any new room mate.

Be careful not to fall into the parent/child or leader/follower trap that so many couples with ADD fall into.  There are signs of that already happening in your post.  Also, another common trap is that one person doesn't set solid enough boundaries and ends up feeling trod upon.  In this case, that would be you.  Your marriage is a partnership.  You BOTH need to be working to make it as good as possible.  Try gently, but firmly, steering him in the direction of creating a happy relationship together, rather than accepting something that makes you unhappy.  (It will continue to make you unhappy, which is not a good recipe for a successful marriage!)  But don't put too much stock in being different - or being ADD - as the reason things aren't going well.  Assume first that it is because you haven't learned the sometimes subtle art of being a team - building an adventure that is to be your life together.

Perhaps your courtship might provide a good insight into what worked for you.  Did you used to go out with him every night before you got married, but cut back now that you are married?  Did you used to feel the need to pick up after him, or is that new and a result of feeling like your his "wife" rather than his girlfriend?  (Be careful not to let stereotypes about what you think a "marriage" looks like change your "relationship" for the worse!  First and foremost, you have a "relationship"!)  Does he behave or speak differently with you now than he used to?  Be honest with this assessment - and your underlying assumptions about what marriage and living together is all about...this may help you a lot.

Oh, and next time your husband asks about your "leaving him" threat you might consider saying that your anger at the situation got the best of you...but your comment is an indication of the level of your distress.  While you're not ready to leave him, you do think that the two of you have a good deal of work to do in figuring out how to be a successful couple.  Don't mar your credibility by saying things as dramatic as "I'll leave you" without thinking them out first.  Better that he believes what you say (because you are honest) than that you make threats that make him believe you are hysterical!  You can't force him to change his ADD behavior with threats (this is the fastest way to get him to ignore what you say and/or to breaking up) - but you can entice and encourage him to think about you as partners working towards a common goal.

I've pulled out a few blog entries that might be helpful to you - one on anger and resentment, one on tips for organizing an ADHD household, and one on getting unstuck by Dr. Hallowell.  I think these may be of interest to you.

Good luck, and keep us informed!

Melissa Orlov

Submitted by chinesebob on Mon Feb 11th, 2008 - 8:14pm

The first commenter hit it square on the head. It may be that your husband was taken care of at home and is used to this. My Grandma always tells the story of my Grandpa doing a similar thing until they had a meeting of the minds. Stand fast to your convictions. But do it with love. A.D.D. is not a crutch and never an excuse. Also remember that the two hardest adjusting years in your marriage will be the first year of marriage and the first year of your first child. Living life by learning through others, mistakes, and something in between.
Living life by learning through others, mistakes, and something in between.

Submitted by frecks0328 on Wed Feb 13th, 2008 - 1:40pm

Thank you for both of your comments and all of your help. I definitely need all the help I can get with this situation. I am trying hard to put my finger on what exactly is going on in my marriage. To begin with, I can't talk to him. If I tell him about my day at work he will find someone to be rude about something I have done or said. So I have stopped telling him about my day at all. He then gets mad because he will hear me on the phone telling someone else about how bad my day and he will say," I asked you how your day was and you said fine!" And then I will say, "Well, I can't talk to you." And then we fight.. If I ask him to clean something up he will get mad and say I am implying that he never cleans up by asking him to do so. If I approach him angrily and say, "Go clean that up." He gets mad and says I am not approaching it right. So then if I am really nice about it he says I am being condescending. Another issue we have been having is,if we go out with our friends and decide we can't stay at any one else house (we have dogs),we both decide together with no problem, then once he has been drinking he will tell them we are going to stay with them. Then when I say,"But we decided to not stay out, that is why we didn't take the dogs to grandmas." Then he will be like," You are such a downer. " adn tell our friends," Well, I want to come but she doesn't want to so I guess we can't." But we made this decision together! It humiliates me so bad everytime he does this. This is just one example but he(as my friend calls it) throws me under the bus almost everytime we go out. We also are ahving money issues. I don't know where all his money goes but somehow he spends so much money on nothing. We have a joint acocunt now and I can see that it is stupid things like coffee everyday and lunch in the cafteria at work instead of takin his lunch liek I do. The problem is that when we got married he and came to the agreement that his debt was his debt and my debt was my debt. This is in part because my student loans and small credit card debt didn't compare to his $45000 of debt. Also, a lot of this debt came from the 2 DUI's he has gotten in the past 3 years. We made a pact that the DUI's would not effect me although this month my bonus was spent on his diversion. Before we got married he said he would get a second job adn now he says he doesn't think that is a good idea for him. Every morning we wake up and fight. Everytime we talk on lunch we fight. Every day when I come home we fight at least once before we go to bed. He says we both need to change and yet it seems he is completely unwilling. Lately when we fight I can feel myself about to erupt so I lock myself in a room adn tell him to leave me alone until I can calm down. He has been taking the door know off the door and coming into the room anyways. The other night we got into a huge argument over turning the fan above the stove on (I asked him to turn it on adn he said I was crazy there was no smoke and that he didn't want it on even though I could smell smoke) and I tried to leave and he stood in front of the door and every time I tried to open it he would push it close. I was crying and begging him to let me go. He did and then sent me a text that said,"Hey your dinner is ready." and then, "Your dinner is getitng cold." and things like that. I called him when I got to my parents house and was still crying and when he answered the phone he asked,"What's wrong? Were you in an accident?" He knew what was wrong. But he acted almost insane in pretending that nothing had ever happened just minutes after he had refused to let me out of our house. I am incredibly miserable in this marriage and I don't knwo if it is ADD or not but I can't take this anymore. People say the first year of marriage is tough but I hate my life. One of my friends says I knew who he was when I married him and it is my job as his wife to stand by him because I knew what I was getting into. (this is actually his bestfriends wife saying this) I really don't think I knew that this is how these things would play out or I wouldn't have done this to myself or him. But is that true? Do I have to stay miserable because of a mistake I made? I know this, again, sounds like crazy rambling but I am panicked in what I should do.

Submitted by Kathryn (not verified) on Wed Feb 13th, 2008 - 4:27pm

After reading your story I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. From the beginning, my husband and I clashed in much the same way. I felt ridiculed and disrespected while he never seemed to care or own up to his part in it. What I want to tell you is that nearly 15 years later, it's still a struggle and an even more difficult one when you add kids to the mix. I'm certainly not in any position to give advice, but if I were you I'd make sure you get in to some counseling and try to get things straightened out before considering children. Also, I've found that the more I talk and/or complain about the behavior the more distant and oblivious he becomes of the situation. What I have found can occassionally work is when I swing my behavior/reaction to his behavior completely the other way than what he's accustomed to. In other words, if I refuse to fight with him (which I believe he wants) and take action rather than talking him to death - which is one of my vices and it gets me nowhere. In stead, I might refuse to discuss something and/or enact on what I want to do in a non agressive way. If that's not working I might leave the house (but not in anger). For instance, I might either try to avoid the fight by trying to roll with the punches and stay the night at friends or invite him to stay at the friends and heading home myself. Just don't allow him to engage you in the downward spiral. I wish I could offer more but what you should know is that you're not alone and that obviously the tact you're taking right now isn't working so maybe try something completely new, to see how he reacts. In other words if you don't like the dance you're in right now and he won't change his steps, then maybe you should change yours. He'll either have to adapt to your new steps or sit down, right? Either way, it doesn't seem to get easier over the years but maybe you can find some peace and enjoyment and remember why you married him. Good luck. Kathryn

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Thu Feb 14th, 2008 - 11:15am

If your relationship is at all near what you describe, then your husband is belittling you, controlling you, and manipulating you.  From your description I think you probably could state your feelings better, but the anger and desperation that has already seeped into your relationship is palpable.  If you can, try to keep the conversation about your relationship...not about your anger.

Some people get a "high" from fighting.  They like the stimulation and therefore look for fights.  What's unclear is why you didn't see this behavior before.  Was it there and you were just ignoring it?  Or has it only come up since the concept of "marriage" has been introduced?  If the former, ask yourself why - and HOW - you put up with it and see if there is something to learn from it.  If the latter, please take a long look at your own expectations about what it means to be married (and his) and how that might be affecting your behavior (lots of time marital expectations set new ideas about "controlling" a spouse's behavior that don't set well.)

That said, your friend is wrong.  You do not have an obligation to stay in an abusive marriage, if that is what you decide this is.  Furthermore, you DON'T want to have kids in a relationship that is this unsettled.  That would be unfair to both you and to your children.

First, get yourself a separate bank account that is accessible only with your signature.  You may not be able to "protect" this money in a divorce, but you are well within your rights to create this account to help him keep his agreement to deal with his own debt (I'm hoping this agreement is in writing, but guessing it isn't - which would be too bad.)  Put your paycheck into your account and his into the other one and split joint bills evenly.  You're not trying to cheat him - only hold to your previous agreements.  If he wants to spend his money on coffee and lunches, fine.  You shouldn't have any control over that...as long as he isn't spending yours.)

Second, get professional counselling, immediately.  This can help you decide whether or not you just made a huge mistake that needs to be undone as quickly as possible, or whether the two of you are just in very bad first year jitters.

Third, tell your friends that you recognize that you are having trouble, but that relationships are complicated and perhaps they should save any advice that isn't supportive for a later date.  Over the years, I have learned that the direction in which relationships go is completely and totally unpredictable...

Finally, just don't engage in the fights.  That means don't walk away (a form of engagement)...just don't engage.  If you need to, calmly say "I feel as if we are going to fight about this, and I don't want to fight."  That's it.  NO MORE.  (Think of yourself as a mini-Ghandi if this helps.)  Your refusal to engage may escalate things if your husband is as interested in fighting as he seems to be in alcohol.  If he escalates it to the point where he physically hits you, leave.  There are certain lines that every person draws in a relationship.  Figure out where yours are, and stick to them.

Divorce isn't the end of the world.  Living a life in hell - and making your children do so - is.  You seem to want me to tell you to divorce him...and I won't do that.  I will only say that you need to not engage his anger (or yours), find professional help, and see where that leads you.  You'll figure out what feels right.

Melissa Orlov

Submitted by frecks0328 on Thu Feb 14th, 2008 - 1:19pm

I guess I was pushing for someone to tell me it was okay to get a divorce. Not that I wanted a divorce neccessarily but more so I don't want feel like I don't have any other options because that makes me feel trapped. That is part of why I feel panicked. My husband is a good man. I know I married him for a reason, a good reason even. He always seemed a little insecure, but it seems that since we got married he feels the need to control everything I do. No matter what I am doing he is alwasy asking," what are you doing?" or "why are you doing that?" and if I want to spend time alone he makes me feel guilty because he sees it as me specifically "not wanting to spend itme with him" rather then just wanting to see my family or friends or just be alone a bit. I think the serparate bank account is the best plan but I am finding it difficult to explain to him why we should do this because then he just makes me feel bad about it. I know his intentions are good. I think he enjoys fighting because it brings us together where as I have been withdrawing a lot. But, he has been doing some really out of character things (like not letting me leave) and I don't know if those thigns are out of desperation or what but they are scaring me in the sense that he is not the perosn I thought he was. My husband would never touch me. I believe that in my heart. But I hate fighting and I feel like everytime he starts in with me now, I am a little kid closing my eyes to a monster and saying "It's not real. It's not real". I don't think he is being fair, but I am smart enough to know that doesn't matter. We are both hurt and we are both being very defensive right now. My first reaction is to pull away adn have space and time to clear my head. For whatever reason, he thinks that it's best to smother me more and more as I try to pull away. Then he gets desperate and mean. Then I get hurt and defensive and we start the cycle over again. I know we need to talk to someone together who is neutral in the situation, but he has this way of making me look like I am the bad guy for making us go to the counsler (because I am "crazy" he says). I guess the best I can do is find a counsler and set up an appointment and just give it a shot. Again, thank you for your help and comments. I am going to keep praying and trying for the time being.

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Thu Feb 14th, 2008 - 3:09pm

Find a good counsellor and don't worry that that person won't be able to see what is going on.  Counsellors are trained to see through the bluff and bluster and they have tons of experience with that.  That said, the first counsellor you find may not be the right one.  Please find one who is familiar with ADD and whom both of you can respect.

Good luck!

Melissa Orlov