ADHD, like so many things that people go through, exists on a continuum from more intense to less intense, and in addition, there are different types. There are those who are Inattentive (and may appear to be spacey), and those who are hyperactive/ impulsive, and those who are both at the same time. No two individuals with ADHD show up the same way.
One thing they often have in common, however, that differs from their non-ADHD partner, is that the live in the permanent present. Past, present and future are not distinguished from one another. They, therefore, have a difficult time learning from mistakes in the past, and looking into the future to project what the consequences of their actions might be. This has been called, “Now and Not Now” timing. You can imagine why this kind of wavelength might be frustrating to their non-ADHD partners who do remember very well what happened yesterday, and want to make plans for tomorrow, or sometimes six months in advance. This can also lead to issues with time management and missed appointments. What is happening in the here and now is what gets attention.
In addition, ADDers aren’t good with doing things by planning them out and following an order. While the non-ADHDer starts at the beginning, and moves through a task in sequence, the ADDer jumps into the middle, and goes in all different directions at once. This can make both the beginning and completion of projects very challenging.
Another factor that impacts the ADHDer is their sensitivity to sensory stimuli. The can be effected deeply by sounds and smells. Personally, just the slightest smell of perfume or incense can make me want to run in the opposite direction. I’ve also been known to wear ear plugs and eye shades at night for sleeping, as I’m very sensitive to light and sound when I sleep.
“The ADHD nervous system is rarely at rest. It wants to be engaged in something interesting and challenging. Attention is never "deficit." It is always excessive, constantly occupied with internal reveries and engagements.” (From ADDiTude Magazine e-zine, William Dodson, M.D.). Their minds are often running in many directions at once, unless they are in Hyperfocus mode, when they can pay intense attention to one particular area of focus. You might say they are “In The Zone.” We have all had that experience at one time or another, but it can be much more common to ADHDers.
As Dr. Dodson says, “ADDers have their worlds constantly disrupted by experiences of which the neurotypical [non-ADHD] is unaware. This disruption enforces the perception of the ADHD person as being odd, prickly, demanding, and high-maintenance. But this is all that ADDers have ever known. It is their normal.”
Is it any wonder that ADHDers and non-ADHDers often have challenges in relating to one another? It’s often like they see the world through totally different lenses.
That’s why I encourage my ADHD and non-ADHD clients to take the time to share with each other what it’s like to walk a mile in their partner’s shoes. It really can help to at least try to see what the world looks like from the other’s perspective. I know for me, when I asked a hyperactive client to describe his experience of what went on in his brain for me, it was truly eye-opening.
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What to do then?...
Continued....
my DH is the same way--words
my DH is the same way--words and actions never match. no thought to future consequences or feelings. everything is NOW. when we have a discussion (argument), half of what he says he later claims to not remember or not to have said at all. I have no idea how to deal with that. what is there to say to an adult who says things one day and claims to have no recollection of what he said the next? at this point I just nod and smile, it's not even worth pointing out to him that that's not what he said yesterday. who cares-nothing's going to change anyway. as for actions-please. DH will call me at noon and say he's cleaning up (he is unemployed, working handy man jobs) and still not walk in the house until 9pm. not one word as to where he was or what took so long. again, I quit asking, it happens so much-who cares? if I ask, he accuses me of being controlling and not trusting him and if I don't ask he accuses me of not caring about him and only needing him for his paycheck. so I find myself in a completely untenable situation--take him at his word and be continually disappointed when literally NOTHING matches up with the words that came out of his mouth OR spend an inordinate amount of time arguing with a person who cannot hold on to information--his own or mine--from day to day. it's easier to just nod and smile. not concern myself with what he does from day to day. like other posters on other forums, in the past six months or so, I have begun to build a life without him even though we still live in the same house. I am 44 years old-WAY too young to be stuck in this kind of lonely marriage, but here I am. we cannot afford a divorce, so instead I am doing pretty much whatever I want. I have two kids, so I do, obviously, take care of them and I do work full time, but for myself--I have been going out dancing with friends, going to the opera which I LOVE, going to dinner, theater, museums with the kids, trivia nights, lots of stuff I never did before...all without DH. what a shame but I don't know what else to do. he doesn't notice, doesn't ask what I do from day to day. half the time I've been out and am back home before he gets home so he never even realizes I've been gone. it's strange but pretty liberating actually. this way when we can afford a divorce maybe it won't be so jarring.
Hope to Peace,
Hope to Peace,
The truth is, people have to be motivated from inside themselves to change. People don't change because we want them to. You are right to acknowledge that you can't control your partner. None of us can. If we have a healthy partnership then the hope is that we grow together, and hopefully towards each other, even with ADHD in the mix. But that means that the ADHD partner needs to take responsibility in managing their ADHD symptoms through medication, behavioral mechanisms, and coaching and/or counseling, if those things can be helpful. In the absence of the willingness to take that responsibility, there are clearly many challenges to overcome, and the burden often then falls on the non-ADHD partner. That certainly seems to be the case in your situation. I really hear that you have taken on more than your fair share of tasks and responsibilities. It doesn't sound as if your partner is willing to get the help and treatment she clearly needs to manage her symptoms. At some point, you may have to decide whether you want to continue to be the "parent" to her "child." Of course, that decision is completely up to you. I wish you the best.
Nancie Kohlenberger, LMFT, Marriage Consultant
www.TransformURLife.com
Co-Author of The Couple's Guide for Thriving with ADHD
Thank you for your reply
Important to not take it on yourself
I agree that at times it is just very important not to take their problems on yourself as if they are yours. So, the best thing to say is, "I can appreciate that such and such is going on for you but I'm afraid I just can't help with this one right now," or "I wish I could help, but my plate is really full right now with all the things I'm involved in,." Drawing boundaries is very important so that you don't constantly get pulled in to situations which don't belong to you. That just makes you more and more resentful. And keeps you in that parent'/child dynamic.
Nancie Kohlenberger, LMFT, Marriage Consultant
www.TransformURLife.com
Co-Author of The Couple's Guide for Thriving with ADHD
She's your wife; and not your employee...
What you are trying to do would be tremendously hard w/o Adhd symptoms....Save the marriage, fire her, and let her be a house wife. You would get more sex on the weekends....
Easier said then done
You say that you hope she
You say that you hope she "relearns and has time to learn from her actions." I'm sorry to say that ADHD folks are notorious for not learning from their actions, or the consequences of those actions. They live in "now" and "not now" timing. So they don't go back into the past and say "Gee, I'm glad I had that lesson. I learned so much. I'll do it differently next time because I know how much it hurt my partner." Unfortunately, that very rarely happens. So, like you said, you will have to determine what is non-negotiable and go from there. It doesn't sound like, with your joint business, that she has a lot of skin in the game. She counts on you to be the responsible one, and since you know you have obligations to meet and customers to answer to, you will get it done. If she is impossible to talk to about all of that, then you may be carrying the heavy load for a long time in the future.
Again, I hope she gets some of the help she needs, and I wish you the best.
Nancie Kohlenberger, LMFT, Marriage Consultant
www.TransformURLife.com
Co-Author of The Couple's Guide for Thriving with ADHD
I Would Love to Hear Your Clients Description Nancie
I am definitely AD(H)D with the hyper focus component...but I am still unclear where I fit into the descriptions of ADHD/ADD since so many of the other components like smell, light,sound sensitivity or day dreaming appear to be completely missing??? Most of the time it feels like I'm in hyper focus mode way more often than not. This actually feels very comfortable even if I'm just sitting and relaxing I'll fixate on one idea or thought or another if I'm not already thinking about something. It's very deliberate. It never feels like random thoughts while I'm in hyper focus mode even though I've been accused of not paying attention or day dreaming when I'm observed this way....probably because I don't respond or appear tuned out to them. I can definitely tell the difference. If I'm not in hyper mode I've used the description that it "feels like I want to jump out of my own skin" This is when things get scrambled up stairs....random thoughts coming in all at once from out of no where. This is also where all the trouble begins as far as forgetting, spacing things, day dreaming (rarely), not hearing others and especially losing things. If I can stay in hyper focus mode I'm great....sharp, observant (highly), very good and accurate visual and auditory memory, calm (feeling) and collected. The only problem here is having to switch back out when I need to.....and especially switching out and in repeatedly. It's Chaos! I can also be challenging to have a conversation with either way......I'm either way too intense...or appear completely apathetic looking from the outside. When I am intently listening and paying attention in hyper focus mode (and not talking)....people have made comments like " are you listening?"... repeatedly even after I've reconfirmed that I am. I can see and hear the frustration from them when this happens. I know in part because I cannot look at peoples eyes and pay attention to them at the same time.....their eyes distract me (visual noise). What's really interesting ( I'm sure only for me ha ha) is that when I am actually not present or listening and am off in my own world...people THEN think I'm listening.....but I'm not?????????
Go figure??
One peculiar trick I've found to help me concentrate when doing something that requires absolute focus. I put head phones on and blast (very high volume) any kind of intense music.....extreme and fast heavy metal music works best. It's like white noise that cancels all other thoughts out so I can go into laser-hyper focus mode. This only works for brief periods other wise the music then starts getting on my nerves and ear drums. I do my best work sometimes this way using this trick. Weird huh?
Another strange phenomenon happens while riding my motorcycle at high speeds (100 mph + ) for example. Most people I ride with are tired after 8 hours of this. I'm fresh as a daisy and can go for hours more??????? This is also where I have learned I have to watch taking Adderall since I really don't need it when I'm in the Zone like this. Adderall can keep me going way too long and my body will then begin to rebel even if my mind isn't.
I just don't seem to hear these kinds of descriptions and don't know where I fit with other people with ADHD?
Any insight would be greatly appreciated if not for for my own curiosity perhaps some useful insight.
Thanks
J
Hi J - Some feedback
Hi J,
Thank you for all of this. I find it fascinating. And it's not out of the norm for ADHD experiences. It seems to be true that while in hyperfocus mode, ADHDers can go for hours focused on a task, or doing a particular activity and their attention is totally focused on whatever it is they've put their mind on. And, as you've said, it can be challenging to go in and out at will. The thing that I find interesting about what you are saying is that you spend a lot of your time in this very focused place and it sounds like you can very deliberately put yourself there. I am not sure that is true for everyone with ADHD, but it would seem beneficial if you can control it to some degree. I know that some people really prefer this state as it can be very productive and almost, at times, feel euphoric. And it certainly seems better than those times when the brain feels so completely scattered and doesn't know which direction to go, etc. It can be difficult to interact with others when in hyperfocus, and many people get very irritable when interrupted in this state. That doesn't sound like your experience. Just sounds like others seem to have a hard time connecting to you, from their point of view. This is an interesting by-product.
So, I guess what I am saying is that overall, your experience does in some ways, fit with some of those I've heard and read about. All of these things exist along a continuum, and yours would just be at the end of the continuum that is more "In-the Zone" more often. It can be a very valuable place to master as it can, as I said, lead to more productivity and more pleasure.
I do get a bit concerned though, when you talk about riding your motorcycle at 100 mph. That might be just a bit dangerous. My sense is that the dopamine center in your brain, and your adrenaline are really getting a big boost during something like this. Doesn't mean you should be doing it a lot though. ADHDers are known for doing dangerous things, due to their often impulsive natures, and also for being in more traffic accidents, getting more tickets, etc. than the non-ADHD population. I'm sure it goes without saying, I hope you are being really careful.
I wish you the best.
Nancie Kohlenberger, LMFT, Marriage Consultant
www.TransformURLife.com
Co-Author of The Couple's Guide for Thriving with ADHD
Thanks for the Feedback
I think you hit on something that I haven't been able to place...the part about being able to put myself into hyper focus deliberately while not everyone who has this experience can. I hadn't thought about that before but now that you say this I have a better understanding of why the hyper focus thing seems to be referenced more often as a negative trait (in context) to what I've read. I can understand why this is a problem for others easily...OMG yes. And yes....it can be very irritating for me when people repeatedly pull me out when I don't want to...or I need to be there for one reason or another but I can disconnect and reconnect if I have to. I've learned that this is necessary and I try not to show my irritation....unless I'm having a bad day. No one is perfect. lol I'm pretty sure I know the reason for this and now I see the connection.
I developed the ability to wield this from competitive swimming from an early age (6 until I was 20 in college). Without realizing what I was doing at time exactly....I discovered how to use this on demand to overcome the pain and monotony of hours of daily training and then again on race days during competition. I remember when it first happened. I've heard it referred to as "going through the wall" or "closing the gate"...it is a distinct visceral feeling or transition into this mode. It's a very different feeling than anything else I can describe....out of body?? Like you are detached from yourself....like your are watching yourself from outside looking in? It's hard to describe but I very much remember when I discovered how to do this as it was hugely beneficial in elevating performance by nullifying physical pain...and yes, even euphoric when the endorphins really kick in. Once you learn how you can do it again and again and that's when you are talking about pain. Hyper focus mode isn't painful, it's just the opposite so getting there feels very much like what I just described but even easier.
I've been doing this for so long I really never considered that this might be something that you actually have to learn to control and doesn't just come automatically on demand. That's cool!! Thank God for swimming!
My work also requires it which is probably why I enjoy what I do? I get to live there all day....kind of an extension of my experience with swimming??
But here's the scary part for me.....if I find that I'm in a situation where I can't use this...my default is returning to the other alternative I mentioned. It can be a real trick to balance this ability sometimes especially when I find myself without it. That's the problem....and it is a problem when I'm left without it. This is where trying to explain this to someone on the outside is nearly impossible because it's somewhat of a intangible feeling. I liken it to a race car engine that is designed to run at 6000 rpm to get maximum horse power. At low rpm.....it boggs down and is a dog.
Either, Or....That's me!
Thank you J!
J,
I am finding your ruminations fascinating. And I mean that in the most positive sense. I appreciate your self-reflection, and I find your desire to understand yourself better very refreshing. And I hear how challenging it can be to come out of that hyperfocused mode, and to try to explain it to a world of others who cannot relate. And to work with a brain that can be in that mode and be exhilarated, and then switch out of it to a brain that just doesn't function as you would ideally want it to. It certainly is difficult to describe, and therefore, the experience can be difficult to share, except with those who have been there too. And where do you find them? Ah, there's the rub. They do exist. Some of them are most likely visitors on this site. Keep reaching out. It really takes courage to do so. I truly appreciate all you have shared here.
Nancie Kohlenberger, LMFT, Marriage Consultant
www.TransformURLife.com
Co-Author of The Couple's Guide for Thriving with ADHD
ADD parent - my poor son is suffering
I have spent the last 9 years delving into my brain and psych because I had a child, I was a very heavy drinker for 12 years till 1 year following the birth, I have since spent the 9 years trying to understand myself. I am not diagnosed but I know 100% I have inattentive ADD I live in a dreamworld where ANYONE'S presence is disturbing especially my 9 year old son, this is disturbing in itself as he is a little human who needs me, as time goes by it is becoming more and more apparent that my brain and behavior are seriously affecting his perception of life, people, how to behave, appropriate and inappropriate things to say and do especially socially because although I don't notice others do and comment. I am on edge constantly like my nerves are firing all at the same time and my mind is in overdrive to the point no words come out because I have no idea where I am, what the conversation is about and what feelings are appropriate for that particular moment. I feel that I am about to jump out of my skin too and the tiniest touch from my son creates a barage of rage and not nice words. the poor boy doesnt know whether he is coming or going, what is right or wrong, if he asks me for something or if he can do something it goes something like this: No, Yes, why, where, how, what are you doing, do this do that, whats wrong with you, why are you doing that, I dont know, i do know and no you cant and yes you can, all in 5 minutes I cant help him organise or structure anything I cant even cook a meal because i cant get to the shop to buy what I need I cant help him with homework I cant explain things properly to him, I spend most of the time in silence with one word answers as I know nothing I say makes any sense, I get up in the morning have a shower and have breakfast then I am so exhausted I have to go to bed, I am constantly ill and I think this is due to my nerves constantly firing and exhaustion. I managed to become a yoga teacher (somehow) lately and it helped me a lot but I still have so many problems and my poor boy is suffering so much from the lack of structure and routine, he is crying out for this because on the few occasions I have managed to stay present enough to get him to bed 2 to 3 nights in a row i see a different happier boy but I can never keep this up. I have tried a few things like making lists but it doesnt even get past mid morning before i am back in bed feeling like the whole world is swirling around me with no idea what im to do next. I know this is a little erratic but I just had to get it out and hope that someone will understand what i am going through.
I am desperate to have a nice relationship with my son but I thinnk I have some avoidant issues too where i just want everyone away from me because they might bring something to me that I have to think about or do.
My brother has been diagnosed with ADHD since the age of 12 and his life is a nightmare too. my mum used to say to me you have ADD but never did anything to find out so now I am 34 and as my son grows I am seeing more and more how inconsistent, unstructured and scary I am and we are growing further and further apart, I am getting so depressed with it.
Thanks
Laura