Forum topic: My partner's denial

Tue Sep 16th, 2014 - 1:35pm by kalexandria

Forum: 
Support for the ADHD Partner

My partner and I have been together for 3 years.  He fully acknowledges he has ADHD.  He simply refuses to acknowledge he has any of the symptoms associated with it.  I know that mood swings are common. But what I am inclined to believe that he also has bipolar disorder.  When he hyper-focuses on me I am living my fantasy.  When he hyper-focuses on another woman in front me it's as if he's in a trance and I don't exist.  He actually looks like he's hitting on her if not falling in love right in front of my eyes.  The pain this causes me is nearly unbearable.  Yet if I say anything to him, his temperament turns to rage toward me.  He blames all differences we have on me and my insecurity.  While it is true that I am insecure, I am also very social an not opposed to him talking to women.  He just doesn't know when to quit.  His over-socialization with another woman had to be addressed at his prior work place, but he still puts all the blame on me if I so much as mention the how his behavior makes me feel. After blaming me, he shuts me out for an unspecified length of time until he has finished brooding.  I have 2 questions for anyone who may be willing to advise me:

A).  How can I keep from internalizing these situations?  And,

B). How can I respond in a way that may generate a more favorable outcome for the relationship?

I appreciate any advise since I know I'm not alone here!

Comments

Submitted by Standing on Thu Sep 18th, 2014 - 9:52am

because your partner seems to be at a different level from what i have experienced with my husband. When his irratonal, explosive rages approached critical levels, i also suspected bipolar disorder. We expect to get his evaluation results on Monday. I now believe that his blow-ups and melt-downs were due to a combination of too much adderall, lack of sleep, and extreme stress. Your partner's actions and reactions remind me of my previous marriage to a pathological narcissist. That is a whole other ballgame! If you are being punished repeatedly, whenever his limitless sense of entitlement is confounded, i would suspect a very unhealthy level of narcissism. One key clue is - when he considers someone beneath him, like a service person or attendant, is he cruel and demeaning? My ex expected to be treated like a king wherever he went and he was a horrible flirt, very lascivious. The challenges of dealing with add are immense, but npd? In my opinion, next to impossible. Any boundary presented to npd, in my experience, resulted in punishment... and finally, abandonment.

My soul has dwelt too long with one who hates peace. Psalm 120:6

Submitted by sunlight on Thu Sep 18th, 2014 - 2:40pm

"A). How can I keep from internalizing these situations?"

kalexandria, your instincts and your pain are telling you that something is wrong. Why try to override them? You state that he does not care how you feel when he zooms in on other women in front of you, he does not want to hear what you think or feel and that if you try to express your thoughts he punishes you by getting angry at you, blaming you and shunning you. What do you think would be his reaction if you started eyeing and chatting to other men in front of him? Your instincts and your hurt are telling you something that you should be paying attention to instead of trying to suppress.

"B). How can I respond in a way that may generate a more favorable outcome for the relationship?"

You don't define "more favorable outcome". ADHD isn't the reason he focusses on other women and disregards you, that is who he is. He doesn't want to behave any differently, he doesn't want to address his ADHD and he is getting away with treating you badly. I'm sorry to say it but it seems to me that the most favorable outcome for you is to extricate yourself and go on with your life. The most favorable outcome for him would be that things carry on as they are, you create no ripples and behave quietly, until he loses interest completely. I don't see an outcome where there is a happy ending for both of you - it's either/or. Don't you already think this? Don't ignore your feelings.