Forum topic: untreated ADHD

Wed Oct 29th, 2014 - 3:49am by julie sharp

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD
My husband has never been treated for his ADHD. There for he never writes anything down and consequently never remembers anything. He is not willing to try. When he is questioned he just remains silent or becomes aggressive. What am I meant to do? I am in a wheelchair you have no choice but to book transport 24 hours in advance you cannot wait til the day and decide to travel. You have to plan in advance. This seems impossible for my husband. I know it untreated ADHD but how can I cope with his spontaneous if the world want wheelchairs to book in advance?!

Comments

Submitted by c ur self on Wed Oct 29th, 2014 - 3:55pm

Since you know all of this about your husband...Then you know, you must do all the reservation work...

That way the man who want write anything down and can't remember well...who only responds w/ silence or aggression doesn't come into the equation....

Submitted by julie sharp on Wed Oct 29th, 2014 - 4:28pm

Yes I can do all the advanced booking but not if he only says today he wants to go now! I do not seem to be understood on this forum. I am not a normal non ADHD spouse. I guess I will never find understanding people! Living with an ADHD spouse is hard work for a "normal" person. It is impossible for a disabled person. As ADHD spouses cannot do caring responsilities role when they refuse treatment and are uncontrolled. Please only try to be a carer when your ADHD is controlled!! If an ADHD adult cannot be a parent when uncontrolled then neither can they be a carer it is a very similar role! Perhaps this should be mentioned in some of your literature!

Submitted by PoisonIvy on Wed Oct 29th, 2014 - 4:57pm

Julie, this does sound extremely frustrating.  Is the situation that both of you are allowed to use the transportation services and that your husband seems unable to anticipate needing them until the "day of," when it's too late to book them?

Submitted by julie sharp on Wed Oct 29th, 2014 - 5:11pm

Hi Rosered, yes both of us can use the transportation services if it is booked in advance. ie I could book transport to the zoo for 5th November for both of us. But most of time my husband decides on the day he wants us to go and the transportation service cannot operate in this way. He is unable to anticipate or plan when he will want to go. And if I just book he does not want to go when the transportation arrives. So me doing the reservation in advance fails if he does not want to go when transportation arrives which means I cannot go either. I require a companion with me on transportation. I have no friends or family. So we both miss out! Very difficult!

Submitted by julie sharp on Wed Oct 29th, 2014 - 5:12pm

Hi Rosered, yes both of us can use the transportation services if it is booked in advance. ie I could book transport to the zoo for 5th November for both of us. But most of time my husband decides on the day he wants us to go and the transportation service cannot operate in this way. He is unable to anticipate or plan when he will want to go. And if I just book he does not want to go when the transportation arrives. So me doing the reservation in advance fails if he does not want to go when transportation arrives which means I cannot go either. I require a companion with me on transportation. I have no friends or family. So we both miss out! Very difficult!

Submitted by sunlight on Wed Oct 29th, 2014 - 10:12pm

Julie, who else knows the situation you are in besides Social Services (who say he should do his part). You mention no friends or family, but do your doctors know that you have problems at home? Is it possible for one of your doctors to say to him that for your health you need to have the ability to get out of the house regularly? It seems you are very isolated, is there anyone who could speak to him on your behalf or could you attempt to schedule a trip at a fixed interval and have someone from outside the home check whether it took place. I am guessing you can only get to medical appts with his assistance, is that right?

Submitted by julie sharp on Thu Oct 30th, 2014 - 2:08am

Thankfully medical appointments work differently. I either have a telephone appointment, the doctor.comes to me or medical transport is sent to collect me. My doctor is aware of my situation and my husbands as we both see same doctor. I.am very isolated but here in England that does not seem to be important to doctor as it not medical. Doctors exact words. Doctors do not work with social service all they can do is refer you which doctor has done many times and then it is social services choice. Social services see I live with a walking man and go away again. Sigh!

Submitted by c ur self on Wed Oct 29th, 2014 - 9:04pm

I understand completely...And I do feel for you...But, you seem like a rational wise person, who see's the reality of life...You c ur self, and all that entails...and you see your husband's reality also...You live with it daily...So, when he comes up with something like I want to go now! You should expect it, just like many of us do, and not let your emotions fall apart...He may have adhd, but, he knows his wife is limited by the wheel chair, he see it everyday...So what can you do at this point and remain peaceful and calm....Nothing except maybe smile at him and say...Well lean over here and kiss me goodbye...You and I letting our emotions eat us up because our spouses do not care enough about their intrusive life style to try and help themselves is not our problem...But, I've made it my problem in the past (and still do to often) by allowing myself to engage this behavior like I would a 6 year old, with a desire to change what is reality. It's just been emotional death. So here's my options... #1) Live responsibly, and in many cases like she doesn't exist when the behaviors you are stating are active. What does continually engaging denial make us?....Option 2) Or Leave!

The third option which I stated about above, engage it, bitching about it, getting angry and pissed off that anyone could possibly live so disrespectful and unconcerned...And then stand up and boldly justify it...LOL....

It was an option and more times than not the reality in this house for several years....It's loosing its hold thank the Lord!!!...And the sooner we all cut that option out of the equations...the sooner we will learn to accept the reality of many adhd minds...treated or untreated...It's doesn't go away!....

And when acceptance becomes our reality concerning our adhd mates...only then can we put to death the fear that drives option 3. And at that point we can peacefully and clearly see if option 1 or option 2 is going to be our reality....Bless you! Sorry my first post up set you... 

Submitted by julie sharp on Thu Oct 30th, 2014 - 2:18am

Unfortunately I have not yet worked out how to leave. I would.need his support to leave. Infact my local council said he should leave as the house is adapted to my needs not his as he can walk. It tricky to leave when you are dependent on another human for support. I think leaving is off the agenda. As is he going out himself as he will not go anywhere alone. I am going to.work on option 1 smiling at him. Rather than letting my emotions run wild. I have lots of my own emotions to deal with. Like it hurts watching others go out to work.it hurts watching other walk. Then I watch my husband refuse to do. I keep trying to focus on God!