Forum topic: My adhd partner lies

Marriage problems, are people problems...mine and hers...What I have found out about my add wife is:....I can never attempt to judge her, or think for her, based on how I think or act in life (my feelings about things)...If I lived like she did (distracted, very little ability to manage time and promptness, self-absorbed with her own wants, carries shame about much of her dysfunctional behaviors, tries to hide it, etc)...I would be cheating on her, and really would not care if she knew it....So I must trust her, until I catch her in a lie (not saying this like I think I will, after 11 years, I really don't think I will) that I know is a lie, without a shadow of a doubt....(provable)....

What she does, because of her independence and shame, is with-hold information, limited openness, (not volunteer certain information about her actions in conversation)....If I press her she will tell me...But if she really has shame, or thinks it was a stupid move (an add effect, she wants to pretend didn't happen) or something I would take exception to (that she is justifying) she want bring it to light....

People who easily forget, people who can't track time well, people who get easily distracted, people who are quick to make seat of the pants choices and decisions, w/o much or any thought....Usually live with a lot of regret and hiding of these things...So to be in denial of all these traits, should probably be expected, and shouldn't shock us, the on- lookers....But being the spouse makes these realities difficult to accept many times....For two reasons, one we can't get away from the effect...And because our minds and thought processes are so counter to their's....It's hard to put ourselves in their shoes....

Does add/adhd minded folks lie or cheat? I would guess those who live with that kind of heart would...Just like the rest of us who excuse ourselves, and live with out convictions to not do it... ....Deal w/ your own thinking, and try to trust him...It will be one worry you want have pressing your mind any more....Besides, you can't do any more about his choices while you were away, then he could do about your choices while you were away...

If we aren't willing to trust each other, what in the world are we doing wasting our time being married to one another? 

c

I found that with my fiancee, I changed the way I reacted to situations in which he was lying.  Not saying that I gave him a free pass. Whether it was a lie by omission or outright lying to my face....

 I changed my reaction and was calm about it when I found out, it made it easier for him to be honest with me, and not feel that he would "be in trouble",

I also made it clear that if he were to continue lying to me, there would be no point in being in the relationship.  I don't hide things from him, I expect the same.

I know he is lying. He does this occasionally and then tells me I’m a terrible wife for not believing him.

My husband did that before. The anger I felt when I found out he’d lied AND manipulated me into dropping the subject...!  Hoo boy, he broke my trust forever with that. I told him so. And guess what?  He got angry.  I learned a lot about him in those moments.  

I’ve seen him lie more times after that about things he’d know I’d be livid over. I just don’t trust a lot of what he says.  I don’t ask him if he did stuff that I know he won’t admit to.  And I don’t trust a lot of the things he tells me.  The few times the issue of whether or not I believe him comes up, he gets so angry.  Oh well.  I just move on.  He made that bed. He will have to lie in it.  

I am sorry that I can’t give you an answer to solve the lying problem.  It really does break down a relationship.  

But I think the advice from Adele was good - react as little as possible.  Don’t give him a free pass, but don’t fly off the handle, as they say.  He will lie less if you are calm, which is maddening, I know. Change what you’re doing so he will be honest?!  Yes, it’s not fair At All. Not fair not fair not fair.  But staying calm makes US feel better, and we have to take care of ourselves when in these difficult relationships.  

And  if you decide that the lying is a relationship breaker, then you’re right. It is.  How bad the fracture will be is up to you.  Does it just hurt now and again?  Or is a total break?  You get to decide. 

And much care and sympathy to you from all of us here.  Come back and talk to us when you can. 

I don't have any golden advice for "solving" this problem, except to seek a deeper understanding of why your partner would lie to you. I experience the same thing with my husband with adhd; he will lie about things big and small, down to the most inconsequential thing. I've tried the following to change this behavior: getting angry, making threats, being understanding, not getting angry, explaining how any sort of lie threatens trust in a greater sense, asking questions about what he's feeling and why his first response would be to lie, forgiving the behavior, being suspicious of everything, and overcompensating by taking control of everything. Honestly, the only thing that has helped to ease my own pain is to keep calm and get him to open up about what he was feeling in the moment that it occurred to him to lie rather than tell the truth. Sometimes I am able to get into his world, and although it would never occur to me to lie about the scenarios he lies about, it at least helps me to understand what triggered him to take that action. Still, trust is incredibly difficult with someone who can't sort out when it's important to tell the truth... kinda makes you question everything.