Forum topic: morning rage

Understand what you are going through....my wife is also in her 60's and has untreated ADD. As I understand from reading and observing (though not an expert); this lack of dopamine in their brains is a driving force for some form of stimulation especially in the mornings. Picking a fight to create angry outbursts is a surefire boost for getting everyone's adrenaline pumping. I do everything that I can to avoid my wife in the morning especially in a confined space of a kitchen where I become the sole focus. She is going to pick a fight one way or another, guaranteed.  I've had my wife this last Christmas Eve go so far as to punch me in the face with a closed fist after smashing my breakfast in the sink. This is 0715 in the morning and I probably hadn't said 2 sentences other than "Good morning."  She believes that her behavior is justified.....It isn't going to change....I don't think that the habits of your H are going to either. They are so normalized to this behaviour......

Your husband sounds like he is unfulfilled....That (like my wife's) probably came about from his own choosing, and choices ....But none the less the misery still exists....And misery loves company, even if they have to force it....

There is just so much about add/adhd, along w/ other brain issues, that lends itself to this type behavior...But the biggest problem is and always will be **A person's refusal to recognize it, and not excuse it**...So that is way boundaries exist, to protect one person, from being subjected to another person who can't help/ or, refuses to discipline them selves, to not be intrusive/abusive...

I deal with in a few ways....One, I try to stay aware, and not totally relax in mind, like it's not a real possibility, just because we are having some good (peaceful) days...Two, I schedule things in those high probability times (have my coffee & breakfast on the deck (or another room) in nice weather, coffee shop visits alone or w/ other friends, bike rides, walks, grocery store shopping trips, gym visits, visiting family, etc, etc,) Three, If I find myself being verbally bombarded out of the blue, how I react is crucial....If I refuse to say a word in the moment, if I just go about removing myself from her presents, then the relationship wins...Because she is forced to face her actions, and has no one to blame....But, if I react verbally, by trying to point it out, or demand she see herself, that is fools gold (with my wife), because of denial, she will always justify her actions....

So my advice to you is, set boundaries on yourself to not react to his actions/behaviors (don't make yourself part of it)....In my opinion conflict is always internal....It pours out of us in words and actions, but, if it finds no where to land, (the target walks away, and refuses to be the target) it returns to the source eventually...The moment I respond to disrespect...I lose.....

c

Can you give a bit more of an idea of his sleep patterns? Is he waking up a lot throughout the night, or simply finding it hard to initiate sleep in the first place? C is right about the lack of stimulation in the morning, but to me it also sounds like the agitation, frustration and anger in the morning is due to exhaustion from the lack of sleep and frustrated by it (lack of sleep in ADHD maximizes symptoms). This might mean the sleep issues are worse than they seem from a distance.

Outside of that though, I can't work out if the tv watching is his way of distracting himself from his brain in order 'switch off his mind' or simply because he is bored when he can't sleep and it is in easy reach even if the worst choice. My partner (untreated) has terrible trouble initiating sleep and maintaining it, and the more tired he gets, the more his brain starts to ping pong and make him unable to 'drift off.' So he often plays a podcast or listens to a long youtube clip to give his brain a chewtoy. But he only does that now after realising that watching them was a bad idea because of the blue light. I use earplugs, given I don't have this issue and do not like dreaming of CNN. 

Conversely, when he does sleep and maintain it, it is almost impossible to wake him .. and then he wakes up like a furious bear if it is too sudden. 

Wow, what a coincidence this morning was another one of those raging moments for my fella . I love him and took initiative  toeducate myself on his ADHD. However I'm not the person to know what to say,  what to do or to defuse these situations. I try to nonchalantly removing myself from the rage/anger he finds me and picks at me. I stay quiet I get in trouble, I say something it's wrong. He's a lovely soul who is out of control. Thank you for your posts it helps to know I'm not alone. I continue to do my best without the proper help I'm without the tools besides don't say anything.