Hi all. I'm new here. I just started the book and am reeling. My therapist recommended the book and it's shockingly accurate.
Something happened recently that has made me question everything about my relationship with my husband. There have been big issues for the entirety of our relationship but this one seems to have pushed me over a cliff that I didn't realize I was holding onto the edge of with my fingertips. I know, in my brain, that it is ADHD impulsivity but in my heart, I'm hurt, angry, and contemplating divorce.
My husband and I had been discussing going to Europe in the fall. We would go together to Prague, separate for a few days so he could visit friends in Sweden while I visit a friend in Denmark, and then connect again to sight see. We discussed it and then it appeared to be tabled because life got busy. Then about 2 weeks ago, he came downstairs all excited because he had just booked a trip to Sweden with his best friend for 2.5 weeks.
I'm shocked, hurt, angry, and questioning whether he even loves me. We don't travel often. Up to this point, travel for me has been about family - whether it's us taking kids to Disney or flying to visit family elsewhere; but the kids are grown now and this was supposed to be our first trip that was just for us.
I don't even know what to do with this. Do I plan my own trip by myself? I didn't really speak to him for a few days because I was afraid of what might come out of my mouth if I did. I waited about a week and then told him how hurt I am ... and then I did what I always do ... I stuffed it deep and ignored the situation. As a woman that has only just started to address my personal traumas, this can't be healthy. I feel like my marriage has been an ongoing series of him doing whatever he likes and me picking up the slack. If this had only been an issue for a short period of time, I would feel hopeful ... but we've been married for 33 years.
What do I do? How do I handle this?
Comments
Depends on your reaction
Hi PeaceFilledMama,
I think you have to consider the fact that actions like this will continue to happen. What matters is whether you can come to terms with that, or if you'll always have hurt and building resentment.
I left my Dx husband (married 17 years) two days ago, after a year or so of contemplating the information on this site, Melissa's book, and finally having a strong catalyst to make a decision: it was impacting my kids.
I wish I'd been able to make the decision back when it was impacting only me. I wonder what sort of person I would be now, with a supportive, loving spouse. But I spent a long time (years) in the denial, anger, bargaining and depression stages of grief before finally getting to acceptance.
My advice would be to listen to your inner guidance and truly decide what will make you happy in the long run - and give yourself grace if it is going to take time to figure that out.
Your emotions are true
ADHD symptoms can explain a lot, but they don't excuse inflicting pain on you.
Your emotions are true. They are for navigation of life. His actions are hurtful to you and I believe in a way it doesn't matter what his diagnosis is. He needs to meet your needs, or your marriage will be misery.
I would insist he change his plans and go travel with you.
the details change
but the patterns are the same. You said that your marriage was 'an ongoing series of him doing whatever he likes and me picking up the slack' and that could describe mine too. With me occasionally digging my heels in and refusing to let what he wanted happen - eg a move to one of the most expensive cities in the world when I was the sole breadwinner and on the national average wage - where it clearly would have destroyed us.
He says, quite literally, 'I am not selfish' but I have so much experience of his selfish behaviour that I think otherwise. He prioritises himself in so many little acts and in his broader thinking that I think he doesn't realise we are really real. From finishing the icecream to planning his schedule, it's all about him. And like you I struggle to articulate my pain to him; his response is always RSD defensiveness and blame-shifting and he never changes, so now I simply do not bother.
After 33 years of struggling to articulate your hurt, having the difficult talk and then you refocusing on the relationship and managing to make yourself move on, only to find that something similar happens again, and you're in pain and faced by the difficult talk again, you know that this is an endless cycle - so many of us are on it.
Medication can, apparently, help. I'm told this but my OH has yet to make the necessary appointment, despite us having shelled out £££ on his diagnosis and bloods and ECG.
Focusing on yourself (since your partner is doing this, why shouldn't you?) can help - hobbies, friendships, activities, getting out in nature - I find yoga is a lifesaver for dealing with the stress and enabling me to occupy my body - I experience a lot of dissociation.
But to be honest, I know I'm leaving him and though it scares me I know it's necessary. Going unheard and unconsidered by the person who's supposed to care about me most had eroded me down to almost nothing.
I think, for what it's worth, if I were you, I'd start prioritising yourself. Don't expect anything from him and you won't be disappointed. Go see that friend. And while you're at it book some air bnbs and an interrail ticket and go see what you want to see and do what you want to do; travelling alone can be so much fun - and so much more fun than travelling with someone who doesn't think about your needs. Or get a puppy or buy a campervan or take up trail running- or whatever it is that would bring you - and only you, not a compromised thinking-about-us you - joy. Do that for a while (why not? he has been) and then see if you want him along for any of it.
I'd done this unconsciously, tbh; filled up the emptiness in my life that he had left. And realised I am happier like that. So now I'm getting my ducks in a row and leaving him.
I've been there - this is what I've done that helped me
Your story resonated SO MUCH with me. I have so much more to type but I wanted to let you know that this has happened to me. It wasn't Europe (because we already live there) but I have had to come to terms with taking a hard, hard look at myself and my communication and be honest with what I have expressed to him - even if after the fact! So he's booked the trip. Ok, so now what? Have a think about what YOU want but keep in mind you can't MAKE him feel or behave or do anything differently than what he has already shown you. What you CAN do is what is in your control - your own words and actions. That's it.
For me, and I've been in your position and understand the hurt, pain and rage you are feeling right now. And probably resentment and abandonment. Do not push those down, let them guide you to figure out what YOU want. I really mean this. Make a list if you have to. Make a massive list of from this situation, what is it exactly that you want? Him to cancel his trip? Rebook with just you? Get a refund and spend the money on both of you?
Because I'm guessing (and again, it's because I have been in your shoes) that if you sit with your anger and hurt, the anger should subside and you need to face that inner voice/child/whatever you believe is your soul and ask them what they are screaming out for. Because there is something there. And I'm going to bet that once you sit in this pain and let it pass through you, do the work and then when you are ready to talk to your husband, it's possible that you wil see a new avenue of adventure open up to you. From my side, it was accepting that what was done was done, my dx husband couldn't see or understand or even cope with my pain about why it hurt so much that he (once again) made a massive decision that not only affected me, but in the end, the plans sliced through any chance of a connection or build on a connection for something to look forward to for US. And it's a hard pill to swallow but I won't tell you to 'let it go'. That's shitty advice. Instead, what I did was sit in it (so uncomfortable and unnatural to me) and then I accepted what had happened, decided what I wanted to do and then clearly communicated that in as kind of way as possible that I could (subject to opinion, my husband calls me mean and vicious a lot when I'm talking bc it's too aggressive for him).
And you know what I did? I booked a fucking trip for myself. Just like him. And I went somewhere I wanted to go and saw friends I wanted to see. If he wants to do that and decided that's what was the best idea without even considering you... then why can't you do the same? (I know, I know, it's not in our nature because of our co-dependancies that we've built over the years being in relationships like this). But I went on my trip and my god, did I have a fabulous time and DID NOT FEEL GUILTY ONE BIT. And at the time I had an 8 year old at home and I had to go. I needed the battery re-charge and I did what I wanted, when I wanted. It was glorious.
And yes, I came home to a shit storm but you know what? That trip and following ones have been my life saving device for a while now and they've kept me going.
And also, don't kill me for playing devil's advocate... but cconsidering your story... is there any chance that your husband is looking for a break as well and perhaps he could use time with his friend that is not distrubed or anything? It's also a hard pill to swallow from our positions of the non-ADHD (or the functioning ADHD one in these types of marriages) but I've come to realised that I'm not as hands-off as I've believed myself to be and have pushed my husband in more ways than I realised. He needed a break from me as well.
Try something new
If what you're doing isn't working (stuffing your feelings), then try something new like address your thoughts with him in writing?
Best to do it in a way that gives him the best chance to hear it (see: "non-violent communication") and not get defensive.