This is long. Thanks for those who stick with it.
I (40ishF) am the ADHD spouse and have been with my husband (40ishM) for over ten years. While he doesn't have ADHD, he has chronic depression and has received a BD diagnosis in the past (those his current psychiatrist didn't agree with this diagnosis). He is on meds and has been taking meds since we've been together.
Despite having ADHD, my husband's complaints have not been with household chores, taking care of kids, or any other regular responsibilities that many other non-ADHD partners cite as issues. His issue is that he doesn't think I pay attention to him enough.
Four years ago, he came to a realization that all of our relationship problems were due to my ADHD. While I didn't believe this, and still don't, I agreed to focus on this with him in attempt to make things better for us. BTW, I personally take meds and have been in individual therapy for over 10 years.
Since he has decided that ADHD is our issue, he no longer takes accountability for his behavior, which has actually become worse since he decided everything was because of ADHD. We have read books, been to two therapists (one who specializes in ADHD relationships), watched videos, listened to podcasts, etc., but nothing seems to ever get better.
Basically it feels like I can't do enough, and whenever I felt we were making progress, there was a new complaint; it felt like he constantly moved the bar. For example, I was very committed to scheduling sex/intimate time for us, which was great (this would happen twice a week). But then he said that while that was good, I should want to flirt and be spontaneous and accused me of not creating moments where that could happen because I'm on my phone or distracted by something else. I tried explaining to him that scheduling time allowed me to focus solely on him, but because it wasn't spontaneous he didn't feel wanted.
The first therapist we saw after he realized everything was my ADHD (we saw two therapists even before this) said that he was using to me to fill a void. He flipped out on me, blamed me for not defending him and our relationship, and walked home from the appointment instead of riding in the car to go home with me. He called the therapist "dangerous" and threatened to do something about it.
This most recent relationship coach we saw for two years was from a different country because he didn't think anyone in the U.S. knew enough about ADHD relationships. Towards the end of our time with this coach, the coach told my husband that he is blaming me for his behavior and told him that his communication approach towards me was emotionally dangerous and my reaction to this was not ADHD-related. Instead of listening to the feedback, my husband fought with our coach and the last few sessions became heated. Not only did my husband secretly record the last session with the coach (which honestly doesn't make him look good), he now says that this coach doesn't have enough ADHD training and he was "dangerous" and believes he "hurt us."
For the last few months, especially since this last session with the coach, I have told my husband that he needs to do something about this behavior towards me before I agree to working on our relationship. This morning, I woke up to an 18 page slide deck where he takes quotes from our correspondence from over the past 10 years (plus quotes from the transcript from the session he secretly recorded and won't share with me), and then ties these quotes with excerpts from ADHD resources, proving that his actions are because of my ADHD.
He ends the presentation with this:
This took me weeks to complete, compiling all the text , emails, and transcripts I had. I reread years of dialog to write this presentation. I provide dates of the correspondence to reference it. I found no other issue that impacts our relationship more than ADHD. Our dialog doesn’t show anything else. We have a theme, a pattern, and the majority of characteristics of ADHD couples, are the issue we have, the experiences we have, and the overwhelming majority of what is impacting us. So it is ADHD.
Though I have a lot of support from friends, family, and my therapist, it's really hard to not feel broken and equally hard to understand why my husband needs so badly for everything between us to be because of my ADHD instead of taking accountability for the things he has done (which I didn't fully capture in this post).
Non-ADHD partners, please HELP! I need perspective. In my gut I know what to do, but feel like I'm spinning much of the time. This isn't normal, right?
Thank you for reading.
Comments
hold on, back up,
He did WHAT? A powerpoint presentation on how it’s all your fault?
Maybe your relationship problems are entirely the result of ADHD - it is a difficult thing to negotiate- but this behaviour sounds pretty neurodivergent too. Very black and white thinking; not very emotionally aware. Either way, what matters is he’s either committed to trying to make things work, or he isn’t. The presentation suggests he isn’t.
His motivation and reasoning are opaque. He could be at the end of his tether and looking for a way out, but not willing to be the ‘bad guy’ and shoulder blame for separating. He could just be a bully. He could be controlling. I don’t understand why he would want to put all the blame on you, though, without also articulating the desire to end things, unless he enjoys making you feel bad.
Triggered
I think of triggers. Your partner’s behavior seems to follow some disappointment he feels about your innocent daily behavior. It’s like he’s triggered all the time by something and it’s made him deeply resentful, while you can’t avoid the vicious behavioral cycles that follow.
Whether this is common ADHD marriage dynamics, or something else entirely, might not even be important. His aggressive actions aren’t helpful. All he will achieve is withdrawal, loss of intimacy and loss of trust.
My experience is an ADHD and a non partner might have severe difficulties understanding each other’s perspective and needs, even with extensive work. Patience and kindness go a long way. But when they’re exhausted, or one partner will only blame the other and take no responsibility, it looks pretty bleak to me.
I’m sorry you are subject to all this anger of his. It isn’t normal, or acceptable.