Forum:
Hello;
Extreme guilt haunts me. I ended a lengthy relationship with my fiance who has ADHD and, I suspect, bipolar. We called off our wedding so he could seek treatment as we both felt that this was a priority.
My guilt stems from the fact that I feel I failed him. Isn't " in sickness and health" a vow that I should have remained in the relationship?
I am angry at myself because I should have seen the red flags and I'm angry with him because of his aversion to psychotherapy which should be in conjunction with medication. I just do not know how to let go of the guilt and the anger !!!!
Comments
Dissonance
I’m sorry this is upsetting.
I’ve found severe ADHD creates extreme emotional dissonance in partners to it. Love and loyalty are hard to sustain in the face of ADHD symptoms since they often make the ADHD partner
1) inconsistent (doesn’t follow through)
2) dishonest (doesn’t share thoughts and emotions due to fear and shame)
3. communicate poorly
All these things are deal breakers for many people. It’s normal to ask for consistency, honesty and communication in a marriage.
Like you, I’ve exhausted my personal resources to sustain an ADHD relationship and can’t accept it’s fruitless. Our efforts should be enough to save the relationship since we love the person, right? And we want to be consistent, like you state.
It’s such a dissonant place to be. I truly relate to this. But I feel you deserve no blame for wanting to do the loving things you are capable of, nor for drawing a line when your efforts aren’t matched. Just be aware one-sided consistency, honesty and communication in a relationship will probably not be enough in the long run.
Guilt
Thank you for your response. The guilt was furthered by a comment I made on Gina Pera's blog. She is the author of Is It You, Me or Adult ADHD? I had given a brief overview of my failed relationship with my ADHD partner including that I had tried to support my adhd partner to seriously consider therapy along with the med he was taking. I felt I was not forcing or nagging but trying to drive home that ADHD sufferers fair better with therapy. Gina Pera came back at me with "the worst thing non ADHD partners can do is suggest therapy" and " people don't want to change who cannot conceive of being able to change".
After reading these statements from Ms. Pera I felt like I was the reason the relationship failed, I was a terrible person for suggesting therapy and that I should realize that people with ADHD are unable to conceive of change. What does that even mean that "people don't want to change who cannot conceive of being able to change"! Does that mean that the non ADHD partner is supposed to live their life on the timeline of the ADHD partner? If I had waited in hopeful anticipation that my ADHD partner/fiance had decided to seek out a helpful therapist I may have possibly waited the rest of my life. At the end of the email with Gina Pera she says to me "But again, you have the right to your life". Which made me feel even worse and made me feel like my partner/fiancé's life was not worth waiting patiently and lovingly to support. I don't know why I let this Gina Pera lady upset me but I cannot get past her remarks. I even purchased her book and started reading it but had to stop because I felt like a super shitty person.
I disagree with GP
She does indeed seem to imply you need to mold yourself to your partner’s disability and allow his timeline to define your life. I don’t agree that’s healthy or even ethical advice.
There will always be conflict when unmanaged ADHD hurts the non partner. The conflict isn’t about you doing something morally wrong, it’s a result of the hurt your partner is (accidentally) inflicting on you.
Your feelings are as valid as his. Your happiness matters just as much as his. If he doesn’t prove himself to be a good partner for you, of course you should end the engagement.
He’s probably less than aware he’s hurting you and needs to change, he possibly has no notion of how to change. He probably doesn’t want to change. He feels he’s entitled to being who he is. And I’d say he’s right about that. You will never be able to change him or his choices, unless temporarily and by doing so collecting massive resentment that will poison the relationship. That’s why you need to make tough decisions on your end. Like leaving a man you love because his disability threatens your future.
Don’t accept blame. You have every right to defend yourself, and of course we will all try to make a loved one change something rather than leave them without having tried to solve the relationship problems. That’s just natural, however little success we might have in changing them.
I hope for peace for you!