Am having an emotional meltdown at my relative’s holiday house, where my severe ADD partner and I have spent a lot of time as a family. The house and surroundings are a huge trigger now.
I feel this moment (crying my heart out) like shit for how he’s treated me and for what’s happened to other relations as a consequence. I don’t know how to live, I don’t know how to protect myself, but perhaps I should try to avoid him altogether, like never see him for children’s events or anything else?
I feel I need protection since I’ve run out of bravery. Not see him, not go to this holiday house. Is this a good idea? What does one do about betrayal trauma? I’ve tried everything I know of to rebuild life without him, but I’m an emotional wreck. I don’t know how to do anything anymore…
Would be grateful for your ideas.
Comments
Stress reactions from associated people and situations
This now was a few hours ago.
I’m recalling several episodes during the last year when I’ve become extremely stressed (crying in public, having sudden intense headaches, extreme exhaustion, talking uncontrollably and emotionally about my divorce to people I should instead be careful around) and realize I have several triggers around this. I can’t control my emotions in certain settings. It’s the holiday house, certain relatives, certain gatherings, certain friends. Possibly it’s about my ex’s behavior having been sanctioned by others, me having sought help in the past but nobody understood or I felt they sided with him. I’m intensely upset by these things and people, panic, feel worthless, unloved, need to get out at all costs, day ruined, conflicts happen, exhaustion after, crying uncontrollably.
This has to be some sort of trauma reaction, isn’t it? This and the heart palpitations.
I’m staying away from that house and the social circles around it for the time being. I don’t know what to make of it all exactly but it sure isn’t healthy.
Be kind to yourself
It has only been a year or so and it takes a lot longer to heal from these things. Be kind to yourself. I don't think you need to intentionally put yourself around unsupportive people. You're charting a new course and you can do that your way.
I would say in the long run it would be great to be able to do just baseline things together for the kids. It's inevitable that they'll have events you'll both attend, from grads to big games to weddings to performances, etc., and not passing the strain down to them will make their lives happier and easier.
With my ex, it was hard at first, but the more we got together, the easier it became. He came weekly to visit (our daughter lives with me full time). When he first started coming, I'd plan my errands for that time and it was really hard. But over time we got to a place where the three of us could go out for dinner or even play a game together. I could see all the great things about him again without the weight of work he brought to our relationship. The sadness and regret was still there, but we began to forge a new relationship that really worked for all of us. Unfortunately he passed away suddenly in the fall. What my daughter and I wouldn't do for another visit from him now... but I sure am grateful we got to that place.
That doesn't mean that will work for you. It just happened to work for us - almost like exposure therapy. I still have a million feelings about our marriage and what went down, but for me, that worked.
Maybe you can work with your therapist on an action plan that's right for you?
Thank you Melody
Did you still love him?
Am afraid that’s the issue here. I still love my ex and it’s debilitating. I wouldn’t mind so much seeing him if it wasn’t that he’s treated me like shit, he’s cost me my health and spirit, and I still love him.
I trust you when you say reconciliation has been worth all the hard work. From your perspective especially, having lost your ex tragically after all that’s happened already. I’m so sorry for your loss and your child’s.
Thank you Melody for your kind and thoughtful words.