Forum topic: Adult ADD ends 21 yr marriage with non ADD-trying to understand all the connections-please help!!

Sun Feb 7th, 2010 - 9:40am by dolfnsavr

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD

My 21 yr marriage with my add husband is ending in divorce and involves some very weird behavior and components.  I am just trying to understand it all and put it all together, because frankly no matter how much I do research, think logically for months, or ask for advice, I am still completely in shock, and feel like the man I knew no longer exists.  I just wanted to ask if anyone thinks this behavior could be ADD related or just another guy in mid-life crises.

Ever since we were first married I knew something was wrong with my husband, but finally put it all together one day after learning about adult add.  He had been diagnosed as a child and later told it would go away after puberty, and so nothing else was done.  After reading I realized all his behavior definitely indicated his add was still with him and affecting him now as an adult in different ways.  We both learned much, I felt like a bit of an expert after a while and he learned coping mechanisms that helped him and also what jobs he would be better at and so on.  We talked alot and really felt like best friends and sould mates and that we both understood each other very well.  And after many trials, tribulations, 2 kids (one with adhd), and me stuck with fibromyalgia after a hysterectomy, still together, coping, loving, trusting, I had no reason to think it would ever change, but I was so wrong.

I had no indications, no signs, no warnings, nothing, just it started with 3 emails saying he was unhappy, then he didn't know what would happen, separation or divorce, or what, then the final was he wasn't in love with me anymore, but he still loved me.  First that was strange enough after 21 yrs and he tells me all this by email????  Granted he was working offshore in Vietnam, but recently started work in a new dream job with several promotions up and also an increase in salary by alot, something he has worked for for almost 20 yrs and finally now we could live without money problems and he would enjoy his job, it all sounded ideal, a miracle, answer to prayers esp. when this happened right before we lost our house to foreclosure, it was amazing timing, we got our house back, did many repairs, and except for my illness, seemed great.  Little did I know, this "miracle" would lead to the the worst time in my entire life and so much pain, despair, and misery I could never imagine especially not from my husband...my sweet, kind, patient, moral, generous, laid-back, submissive, respectful, loving, devoted, romantic, and trust-worthy husband....and then all of a sudden found out he had been cheating for 4 months before saying anything to me, and cheating with a 22 yr old Vietnamese girl (we have a daughter who is 21), and to top it off he also had a rent house in Vietnam all set up as well.  When he came back "home" to the US that first time, and finally confronted me, I had no idea who this was, this was not my husband, I did not know if he had a mental illness, mid-life crises, being manipulated by this girl totally, or even possessed,  he was rude, arrogant, mean, cruel, and seem to have no feelings for what he had done and what it was doing to me (I was so sick, mentally, emotionally, and even physically I had to even go to the hospital where they upgraded my acute depression to post-traumatic stress).  His reasoning was crazy, made no sense, he couldn't even manage to say he was sorry...and it got worse.

Every time he went back to work and then had his 28 day leave, he would only come and visit for like 4-6 days, and his behavior was worse, erratic, and yet he still seemed to make him self at home and act like nothing had happened while telling me constantly of his experiences and relationship with pictures and all like we were still best friends and like he didn't even think about how it was hurting me.  Months went by, things still stranger, he was completely immersed in the Vietnam experience, the people, culture, food, language, everything, was entranced by it and seemed overly enthusiastic and obssessed with it, and he had a new girlfriend now, 26 yr old Vietnamese college student, and also a bunch of all female friends.  I found out sneakily how to send a message to this girl, because he indicated that noone knew that he was even married, and no matter how I tried to get angry I just felt too sad, hurt, and betrayed, and tried to forgive, keep loving and try to be there as a friend while logically trying to figure out and fix this problem....I did find out he had lied to this girl and everyone, and weirder, he not only said he was a single man, divorced 5 yrs with a son, he failed to even mention he had a daughter...and that is why I say it only get more bizarre...I did message that girl and set her straight and said he was not single, and had been married for 21 yrs and still was, but he also had a 21 yr old daughter and a new granddaughter!!!!  From what I heard later, she was really messed up but I felt just fine...until several days later he calls not mad, but happy, thanking me because he said he could now set the record straight...and even admitting it was his mess up, still not explaining why in the world he would just delete his daughter from his memory....and as I write this, It just keeps getting worse and I still demand this is not my husband, and the kids don't even know him either and of course my daughter is so hurt...and he is digging himself in deeper, now I don't see how he could ever come back, he even said he was happy now, with a "nice" house and lots of friends...(and of course the "other" benefits of dating really young girls with no consequences and basically having no responsibilities, but at the same time believe it or not he has been paying all the bills-mine and his new ones for these 2 different lives-or double life as I refer to it, and doing it with no real complaints because I am disabled, with no money and no job of my own.)  I developed fibromyalgia right at the beginning of grad school after getting my bachelor's degree, and then it manifested at it's worse the next year after my hysterectomy, which apparently happens commonly.  So, I never got to use my degree or reap the rewards.  But, he never complaned once and never blamed me, or so I thought till now.  He says he hasn't felt the same for like 5 yrs, and I had many chances, but will not explain what he means,  and although I remind him that he is talking about after I got sick, he either doesn't believe in the illness or me, and now acts like it doesn't matter whether I could help it or not, it happened and there is nothing I can do to change anything....he continues to display erratic behavior, and sounds even confused at times, esp. when my scientific mind starts asking him pertinent questions, and then as usual he gets all flutstered and says things like I don't know or What do you want me to say, and he still treats my daughter like she doesn't exist, he made a statement last time, he only came "home" meaning my house, to see his son...and it hurt because he still says I am his best friend and he does love me, but the worse thing is once again he spoke and forgot his daughter!!!!!  And when I pointed it out, he said I didn't say that or mean that...I have a therapist, and even she is confused and it's all too weird and bizarre that it almost seems like he's gone temporarily insane, but how and why and now, we have no clue...I know now from my research, that a few things I am sure of, he probably is in some kind of mid-life crisis, and he made some major health changes that improved the way he looked and made him feel much better, and also got his high-blood pressue and Type2 Diabetes (he had only been recently diagnosed with about 6 months prior), so along with a better self image, he might of also naturally helped his hormone levels, as well which would make him feel younger and revitalized, and maybe he could of felt that these feelings were "love" related instead of physical changes based on better health...he did claim the first girlfriend he had cried about and said it was love at first sight (saying all this to me of course, like I was a big zero and our long years meant nothing)!!!  I even told him a week ago he was here, that he was displaying either sociopathic behavior or was possessed!!!! And I meant it!!!!  He just laughed as usual and walked off whistling (his usual denial behavior or way of not dealing with stuff, acting like it doesn't matter)!!!  Well , sorry this was so long, I had to write enough in hopes that someone out there will make some sense of his behavior, I have tried, my family has, my therapist, my doctors, and even a week in a mental health facility with no help, no answers, and no hope.  At this point, although I did by best and just simply loved him, prayed for him and was just kind and friendly didn't help one bit, last time he treated me worse he was even more different but wouldn't tell me why.  Now I can probably only hope for his sanity and the kids to have their real dad back, as for me I getting tired of trying everything...Please help, I am 52, not wanting anyone else, never again, and I feel I have no future...I would still like to know the answers because I just can't let it go without some answers, nothing makes sense.  Anyway, I am the non add spouse, and although I have my own issues like OCD, if you can't tell, lol!!!

 

Comments

Submitted by BreadBaker on Sun Feb 7th, 2010 - 11:36am

Oh, dolfnsavr, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Obviously, there's much more wrong with your husband than just ADD! I really hate to say this, but I think some situations and some people are just too far gone. I don't think I could have stayed with my husband after he had done even half of what yours has.

It sounds like he doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior. You said it yourself when you mentioned "sociopathic behavior"--that's what it looks like to me as well. I was involved with a sociopath many years ago, and I can tell you that it does *not* get better. They do not magically "get it" and mend their ways. But it does seem odd that your husband was, in many ways, just fine before this rollercoaster of pain began. This may sound like an odd question . . . but has he seen a neurologist? Sometimes sudden, bizarre changes in personality can be caused by physical or chemical changes in the brain. It's a long-shot, but it's possible.

We're here for you, no matter what. Hang in there. <hugs>

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Sun Feb 7th, 2010 - 2:45pm

I am so sorry you are going through all of this pain. As I was reading the beginning of your post I was thinking to myself "Hmmm, sure sounds like he's having an affair...should I write that to her?" and then, of course, you wrote about it yourself. Unfortunately, it happens too frequently when men hit midlife...suddenly some young thing fawns all over them and they morph into a different human being. He seems to have created a fantasy life for himself overseas - fawning young women, perfect home, great job...no history to "tie him down". Why he needed to create this fantasy is a mystery you may never find the answer to. His transgressions do not negate all of the good things that you had together when you had them, though it may feel that way right now. You are 52 and your kids are old enough and, presumably, stable enough that they will be fine, no matter what happens to your husband. Though it will be painful for all of you to wonder why the heck he suddenly decamped, his absence sounds like a better state at this point than his presence. What's worse - feeling like you Dad became an alien and, in a moment of weakness, followed his loins to Vietnam, or watching him verbally beat up on your sick mother for 10 years after he comes back? Having someone back in your life who has done this sort of transgression is not necessarily a plus and I think you should give up your idea that he might be able to be the man you fell in love with again. Having to write those words seems strange, coming from me, since my husband had an affair and did some strange stuff, as well. But there was a difference. Except for the affair (which was his attempt to get some loving attention from anyone) he was never cruel to me. He did not try to demonstrate that I was meaningless. In fact, just the opposite, even while the affair was exposed and getting resolved (finished) he treated me with respect (again, beyond the fact of the affair, which is inherently disrespectful). For whatever reason, it seems as if your husband is trying hard to hurt or punish you - to diminish you as best he can. In my mind, intentional hurt is not a good basis for repairing a relationship. I think you might want to start envisioning with your therapist what sort of positive life you might have if you left this man behind you. If you find that it's just impossible to envision that, then at least see if you can work to start building your life back up again, separate from this man. If he "comes to his senses" in some number of years, it will be your choice whether or not to take him back. (Unfortunately, I think it's more likely that he'll continue to "prove" his manliness overseas by digging in there, possibly even having kids there by the younger woman/women. It may be a good idea to separate your finances before he adds stealing your money to his transgressions - trust me it's happened before!) You DO have a future - it is the future that YOU create. People with seemingly insurmountable hurdles clear them if they set their minds to it. Your kids need you in this confusing time - don't give in to thinking "I have no future"! You do, and you can! Your therapist can work with you about your feelings about whether or not you had a role in his leaving. While I always think that marital problems take two, it is HIM who is responsible for his behavior - including coming to you to work through problems he might have been having, etc. So in my mind, HE is responsible for his leaving. Could ADHD have played a role? Probably - it's that impulsiveness and "do what feels good" thing, perhaps. Shame may have also played a role - perhaps he was too ashamed to come to you to say what was on his mind as relates to your illness... Is there something else going on? Very hard to say and, quite frankly, probably irrelevant. I would stay away from trying to make an armchair diagnosis. You don't help your cause by calling him sociopathic or possessed - it just makes it easier for him to write you off. Does it matter what you name it? Anyway, as hard as it may be to hear this, I think it's likely that you'll never have answers for exactly why this happened. Rather than beat yourself up over it, or wonder whether or not if you could just understand it then you could fix it, I recommend that you work with your therapist to start moving on. You CAN'T fix this - it isn't your issue to fix - it's his. And it doesn't seem likely that your husband, now over living out the mid-life male fantasy, it going to be inspired to "fix" it, anyway. I hope that doesn't sound cruel - it's not meant to be so. I only know that peace that I felt when I finally determined that it didn't matter what I thought or knew about why my husband was having an affair...it just was. I would wish that peace for you. In my own opinion, the ONLY thing to do in your situation is to pick yourself up, look yourself in the eye and say to yourself "What sort of person do I want to be? How do I want to be behave? Who will I be in the future?" Your choice is to beat yourself up over a man who is not only not interested but actively trying to hurt you (for whatever reason) OR to be loving to yourself, caring, protective of your kids. Besides, living your life well can be excellent revenge.

Submitted by happycamper13 on Wed Feb 17th, 2010 - 8:44pm

melissa, i read this thread and your response and found myself thinking, "this could be a version of one of the things i fear the most." i understand the lure of people who don't see your baggage. that's what affairs are about mostly, right? i'm so afraid that my husband, even if treated, will someday succomb to someone who convinces him that he's just fine, and i'm the one making him believe he's "crazy." i say that because he is so creative and charming and fun, and i'm fairly certain affirmations like that were what drew out his infidelity before.  all the affirmations in the world from me didn't help...before he was treated that is...he still thought i didn't love him enough. what can keep this history and knowledge, and my help, from being toxic?

Submitted by Jeannie on Sun Feb 7th, 2010 - 3:48pm

Dolfnsaver,

Your experience is very much like mine.  I was in total shock and completely blindsided.  This was my (now ex) husband acting this way?  Chasing multiple women and having multiple affairs?  I also thought he was having some kind of mental breakdown because of recent stress.  But when I started watching him, I found out he had been acting this way for many years.  He had just done a better job covering up (or maybe I wasn't watching as closely because of my illness.)  I felt it was more than ADHD, too.  When I read "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout, things started coming together for me.

I agree with Melissa on all that she has said.  I especially agree with setting yourself up financially and preparing to leave if necessary.  You are not in a healthy relationship.  Do not expect him to change.  My ex is still going from woman to woman, and always keeping some in line for when he dumps the present one (or they leave him).  He never seemed interested in money during most of our marriage.  I had no idea he had been secretly pilfering money from us during most of our marriage.  Towards the end, besides women, his sole focus was on money and how much he could get for himself and how much he could make me do without.  He didn't hesitate to spend our savings on himself and other women to make sure I had nothing to go foward with. Again, I hardly recognized this man.  He was nothing like the man I married and lived with for over 20 years (or rather who I thought he was).  I didn't fight with him during this very stressful time.  I tried to just listen and watch.  I was extremely scared of his erratic and hateful behavior.  This loving man had turned into a dark entity.  He treated not only me badly but also his family and his friends. I watched in horror and shock as I saw what he was doing, until I couldn't take it anymore and felt my life was in danger.  I finally left, crying for days and months over the loss and betrayal.

After living apart from him for two years, I still have moments of wondering what happened.  I recently started Divorce Care after seeing the recommendation on this forum.  I am hoping that will help me close the door to my life with him.  I hope you are able to find your way through this awful time.  Please know you are not alone.