Forum topic: I need help

Wed Apr 2nd, 2008 - 8:01pm by alwaysdistracted

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD
Forgive any mistakes as this is the first time I have done this. Funny though-in true ADD fashion, I have been browsing this website wanting to post everytime...but i never quite follow through. I have suspected I have ADD for my entire life. Unfortunately, any MD I mentioned it to shot me down and almost made me feel like a drug seeker. Embarrassing. Apparantly because I was an honor student and was able to work full time and obtain my masters degree-there's no way I could have ADD. No one knows how hard I really worked for all that. So the constant trips to therapists/psychiatrists/family MDs where I discuss the plethora of sounds that annoy me (typing, knuckle cracking, crunchy foods, chewing guy, squeaky shoes, high heels...) and the anxiety level they send me to. Also-the fact I loose track mid-sentence, because someone walked past with squeaky shoes or my inability to complete tasks on time. My house is a mess because I have so many ideas of cleaning the house, organizing the cabinet, organizing my closet, taking my daughter to the park, scrapbooking....but i never activate. It just doesn't happen-I can't get it together. I was convinced that I was a loser, a bad mom, horrible wife. I don't cook, don't clean, don't take my daughter fun places. It's an ugly cycle. After repeated depression, anxiety diagnoses and even a bipolar diagnosis, I was spent. I have tried every antidepressant, all made me sleepy, hallucinate. I even went on Lamictal for the bipolar. Although I lost some weight, my symptoms never improved. My family MD finally diagnosed me 6 months ago and sent me for neuropsych testing. My results still are not in. I have been on several different meds. I think I am expecting the miracle cure and that's not gonna happen. I am taking Vyvanse now and it seems to help. Adderall makes me really dark/depressed. It's probably time to go back on an antidepressant as well. I am reading Sari's book about women with ADD and I cry with every chapter...finally someone who gets me. I have found my diagnosis...now how to fix it. I can't seem to find a therapist near me who specializes in this. I want therapy. The problems are all out on the table and now I need help on how to fix them....before my marraige crumbles. My husband is tired of my volatile moods. I am angry at him for expecting me to do everything. Taking my daughter to and from school, working 10 hours a day, and keeping up bills is sending me over the edge. When he asked me to get granola bars the next time I'm at the store--I told him to go get them himself. WHy am I responsible for everything? Why do I feel guilty if I spend all Saturday on the couch and don't get anything done? How do I make him understand that I want to do so many things, but I just can't activate the process. And my job--that's another whole blog and another day. I just come home from work and don't care to talk to my husband. I have pent up resentment and I am tired. I just want to sit. So-my needs-a good therapist in Indiana. Otherwise I am truly considering driving to Michigan to see Sari Solden. How do I get my husband to understand? Are the books or movies? I am reflecting my emotional lability and lack of organization on my 4 year old daughter who acts just like me. She is dramatic, emotional, angry and her attention span is less than 30 seconds. Not Kidding. Is she too young to be tested? And is it my fault? How do I organize my brain when I talk to my doctor to truly explain how I feel? I get there and tend to go blank, or start on one topic and forget all the others? All the wonderful beautiful people on this page who speak so eloquently and most of all, who get this disease. Please help.

Comments

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Mon Apr 14th, 2008 - 10:49am

Joining a community of ADD-affected folks like this one should help you, if for no other reason than that you can see that you aren't alone.

Your husband needs some education about ADD - not as an "I told you so" but so that he can understand you, and your relationship with him, better.  Good reading for people just learning about ADD is Driven to Distraction or Delivered from Distraction.  Also, go the Hallowell web site to read the article about the differences between bi-polar and ADD as this may still be relevant information for you.

You ARE NOT to blame for your ADD nor for any symptoms that your daughter may have, any more than you might be "to blame" for her hair color.  In other words, ADD is a way that your mind works that you daughter may, or may not, have inherited.  Don't assume that her behavior is physiological.  It may be that she is just responding in a very basic way to the bad vibes that are running through your household right now.  Kids have a way of doing that.

I would contact Sari and see if she knows of someone in your general area who might be able to help you and your husband.  Sounds as if you need some counselling on your own, and also that you need a mediator to more evenly distribute household chores based upon who's good at what, who has time, etc.

In the meantime, see if there are ways that you can bring a bit more joy back into your lives.  Is there something that you love to do together that you haven't done because you've been too worn out or discouraged?  Humor and fun can really, really help make life less of a slog and get both partners back into "let's work on this" mode.

Melissa Orlov

Submitted by Fran on Tue Apr 15th, 2008 - 9:09am

I want you to know you are not alone and you are on the right track. I'm a stay at home Mom with 3 kids (13, 10, and 6). We have moved four times in seven years related to my husband's work. I too realized I have ADD by reading Sari's book . That was 3 years ago. Since then I've been trying to educate myself on the subject and obtain the help I need. I'm pretty sure my husband has ADD too, along with some of my kids. I would recommend books and websites by Jen Koretsky, Terry Matlen, Kathleen Nadeau, Brenda Nicholson, Rick Fowler, Michael Bell, etc. Like you, I did well in school/college - that was my way of defining myself at the time, but I have been completely overwhelmed by trying to manage a household. Somehow through the years because of my state of overwhelm, etc. I feel like I allowed myself to become voiceless and powerless in my relationship with my husband. I now take Luvox (an antidepressant), Concerta (for ADD), and am seeing a wonderful female counselor who gets it. She diagnosed anxiety along with ADD. The handouts she gave me to read were enlightening to say the least - I hadn't realized how much my self esteem has suffered. A quote from the readings, "Your self worth is a given," is helping to change the way I think/act. I've always tried to define myself by what I "do, accomplish, etc." Also, through the years, I would just internalize my husband's comments instead of responding. Of late, with the counselor's help, I've been speaking my mind. Much to my surprise, my husband is responding positively. So. . . my advice to you - keep educating yourself about the condition, find the help you need (don't settle for someone who doesn't get it), enjoy your child (she's only young once! - the housework really can wait!), communicate openly and honestly with your husband (he probably has no idea how you feel/think), take comfort in the knowledge that your worth is a given. We are all here to support you.

alwaysdistracted's picture

Submitted by alwaysdistracted on Sun May 11th, 2008 - 12:15am

Thank you both for your support and insightful comments. I haven't logged on in quite some time, as my father in law (who was an integral part of our family) died unexpectedly the day after my posting. It has been a process, to say the least. My husband and I have sat down and divided some of the duties around the house. He really always has been helpful-I just place so many demands on myself that I internalize these negative perceptions of myself and then convince myself everyone thinks I am worthless as well. I finally received the results of my neuropsych testing that confirmed what I already knew. Severe ADHD, no bipolar. My anxiety stems from what I cannot accomplish because I am disabled by my condition. My neuropsychologist gave me a wonderful explanation of the results, but I took another hit. He basically said that I am a type A personality with a high IQ, and I want to do everything right and perfect. When I do not accomplish that (because of the condition) I am extremely hard on myself and feel worthless. Not being good at what I do is like the worst thing in the world to me. So that part made perfect sense, and I kind of already knew that. Well, he proceeded to say that the form of ADHD that I have does have a distractability component, but my major handicap is when I am giving large amounts of information. That is when I cannot process, cannot put things in "order" or prioritize, then I get extremely overwhelmed and anxious. He believes this form can be slightly "helped" with medication, but it doesn't cure the problem. It will require alot of behavioral therapy. I felt like I was punched, especially when I was then told that he was too busy to offer that therapy to me and gave me a card for someone who might help....who happens to be a child psychologist. I really want therapy, but I do not feel a child psychologist can help. There is nobody in my area per the CHADD website and several other "ADHD provider locators" I also feel like I have been on Strattera, Vyvanse (which is what I am on currently and what I was taking when I performed my neuropsych testing) and Adderall. Isn't it worth trying Concerta or Focalin to see if they better treat my symptoms? I guess I just feel like I am starting all over. I just want to be good at my job, and have the energy to do things with my family. I don't need to run a Martha Stewart-esqe household or anything, but I would love to rid myself of the clutter piles that have developed in every area of the house. Also-there are so many amazing things I want to do with my job involving support groups and prevention programs for burn patients. I have the ideas...but lack the activation. AND-working in an inpatient and outpatient burn unit, 90% of my job involves processing large amounts of information. It's no wonder my boss thinks I don't know what I am doing. He says I bounce around all day from task to task but never finish anything! I appreciate all the suggestions. I have done a lot of active research on the topic. I suppose my next step is finding a therapist and getting started. If things don't change soon, I am scared all that I have worked for in life will start crumbling around me. Happy mother's day to all the wonderful women here who struggle with this condition and still manage to get through the day.

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Tue May 13th, 2008 - 3:36pm

Here's a small idea for you - hire a person to help you start the organization around your house.  Tell that person exactly what you want.  For example, when I set someone to organizing my files for me, I gave her an outline of the files by area "home", "taxes", "financial accounts" and the like.  She put aside anything that didn't fit into my categories, but she got lots of the initial work done for me and it was WONDERFUL.  It sounds as if you have lots and lots to offer people, and the drive to do it.  So, why not spend your time doing the last 10% of the "perfecting" and delegating the first 90% of the tasks at hand?

Melissa Orlov

Submitted by T.G. (not verified) on Thu Sep 25th, 2008 - 6:29pm

I know it's been months since you wrote here, but is the most refreshing website for getting organized without all the guilt and complicated steps. It couldn't be easier and the woman that started it knows all about being overwhelmed by too much and our own perfectionism. You only have too sign-up for her e-mail getting started e-mail and you're off. Keep the letter and follow it and read stuff from her site and the load will be lifted. All my Add'er friends use it and we swear by it!