Women with ADD - Constant Communication May Miss Target

This sounds just like the interaction with my ADD husband! Trying to make him understand was only causing confusion, frustration and anger. If I wasn't causing problems, what I had to say think or feel didn't matter. Often he would make a comment to just dismiss me. I really can't handle the fall out. Now, I don't even care to have any small talk either. I've become as self absorbed as he is. I went through a bit of a lonely phase but found other ways to express myself and communicate with others. I would be nice to have a more meaningful relationship but after I detached myself I found I could have "benefits" too. Oh well.

Thanks for all of your advice.  It really helps to talk with someone that has been through some of this (and is still trying to find a way forward).

There was one of your statements that really rang true for me (even though as a male I would state it somewhat differently).  You said you were not feeling cherished and that he felt you had become unaccepting of him.  This is the major theme for our relationship (at least from my perspective) over the past year or two.  I had always felt loved by my wife until about 2 years ago (we have been married for almost 15 years now).  Our kids were finally all in school, but just as I thought we would finally have more time together, she took a part-time job that completely dominated her life because she let it (as in working all weekend and late into the night).  About 6 months ago, it finally hit me like a ton of bricks that I really was not getting any attention any more from my wife.  There was no couple time anymore and I had to take all of the initiative to get her time and to be intimate.  Also, I found that several tasks we had always done together, began falling completely to me (because she simply did not see them as a priority).  I began doing all of the cooking, finances, grocery shopping and feeling like a single parent all weekend.  Furthermore, when I tried to speak with her about how out of balance our life was, including not having time together anymore, I was surprised to find my wife completely defensive and not understanding why I was making this into a big deal.  Every conversation for the last 6 months has resulted in her feeling personally attacked by me, no matter how non-confrotational I make the discussion.  She felt like she was constantly letting me down and that I was not longer accepting or her.  She feels like she has not changed at all, but that I have become hyper-critical of her.

I really would like to stop feeling so crummy about our relationship (or lack of one) and get back to the optimistic person I once was.  I am feeling like I have to work on this by myself rather than with her.

Without having read your note in detail, alarms went off when I saw the words "she always".. "she somehow turns around the issue:

because I have heard those phrases so often in family negotiations/discussions...and because books about negotiating discourage the use of "you always..."

Then I read your post all the way through. I have ADHD, so I do tend to be like your wife. I have lots of time on my hands because I am not in a relationship (and I have that ADHD thing) so I can spend hours (or days or nights) researching  (thanks Internet) what makes or breaks a marriage or negotiation. And what and why communication is so difficult...

And I have been doing just that. For me, I DO have an idea of something is wrong. And I do have a set of tools or approaches that I think might work. And I do need to feel that someone is 'on my side' not going to beat me up or berate me or my approach. And I DO take agitation as a personal frustration with ME. The kind words/looks/solutions in my mind evaporate in an exchange of ideas,words, gestures, facial expressions, or even topics that bear no resemblance to the balanced give and take I had in mind (which may sometimes be a mental counterbalance of the fears and apprehensions of displeasing...the other person).

Probably makes no sense to you because I'm not sure what to do with all the bits and pieces that are in my head just now.

The thing that DOES work, though, is to be able sit together and break "the subject" down into pieces that I can handle (or agree to)...for example: if we want to redo the living room, to create a list of priorities (this is how you would help, write the list as we brainstorm). And and then live up to them. If it gets too long, to say, it's time to take a break...BEFORE you get impatient. And to ask, once in awhile ... Is there something else?

I'm trying to find where I saved the behavioral research of married couples.. eyerolls, defensiveness, and what they called "repair actions," the things people say or do to make the situation safe again. The research was in "normal" marriages. And statistics were collected that reliably predicted the viability of a marriage: in even the first 30 seconds of interaction.  The upshot is that every couple has some amount of all of these 'markers' when they converse, that satisfied couples had more "repair" actions, in general and also relative to the number of 'negative markers. This seems straightforward--we all like to be around someone who is comfortable in their own skin, and we all feel distressed by someone who is not.

I know it is in the online this book:  Choices in Relationships: An Introduction to Marriage and the Family By David Knox, Caroline Schacht  but I cannot find the passage.

I'm suggesting this because I really struggle to understand which (words/gestures) I should not have been ignoring and why others are so good at ignoring some behaviors that send me into a tailspin. I wonder about the subtle clues I give and the subtle clues that I pick up and how I process them "differently" from someone who is better at people skills. (Aspergers is the inability to sense these visual cues... some "very bright" people have no ability to read situations... on the other hand, there are Ted Bundys who learned to use them nefariously.) In any event, we all have varying abilities of reading people.  I commend you because you ARE making an effort to bridge the gap. It is heartening to read that a man does want to share communication with the woman he cares about...even in non-ADD/ADHD relationships, that is not very common.

 Don't give up--you will find a way, eventually. And there is great advice on this forum for acknowledging your successes and framing them in joy.

I seem to be reading from the pages of my life in these comments.   But I am unable to get my wife (whom I suspect is ADHD) to get a good evaluation.  Further (to the point of blame and turning problems around on me) my wife has taken an offensive perspective to my suggestions that she do some reading on the topic.

She now is convince that It is I with all of the problems.  That I have Borderline Personality Disorder.  Of course that is 70% of the time in women, and includes suicidal tendencies and self mutilation, none of which I am or have.

This is the epitome of blaming the other for ones problems.  I once asked her if there was actually anything in our problematic marriage, that she was willing to take responsibility for...  She replied yes, that it was her fault for marrying me.

It seems as if the solution is to end it, but we have a wonderful daughter, that I enjoy spending time with, not just love as a dad, but I really like her as a person too.

My anger and frustration is, I am sure contributing to our problems.  But I cannot help but think that there is such promise and hope, if only she would understand this disorder.

To top it all off she did get an evaluation by an inexperienced therapist (whom she trusts).  The therapist never asked me one question, and used an antiquated children's questionaire for the evaluation.  More I was given one, and the determination was that my answers were inconsistent, so I had to be lying.

My wife, cannot have long conversations, is not interested in sex, does not become aroused, has impulsive tendencies, (shopping and spending), and feels the pressure, or oppressive feelings almost always when I am around.  Today she told me I had to leave the house in order for her to focus on vacuuming a room.

She has a lot of coping mechanisms and is extremely attractive, so I am positive almost never has been made aware of her problems.  (because who would want to offend a beautiful woman?)

I traveled for work 30 weeks last year, and she told me I was home too much.  When I am home I try to stay out of her way, but she tells me I follow her around bugging her.

She has told me to leave her (in anger) before.  And when attempting to verify her directions, for validity, by asking her to paraphrase or confirm those thoughts, she refuses to answer or respond, walking out of the room most times.  If I follow, she tells me I am verbally abusing her (simply re-asking the same question to determine if she really wants me to leave...)

I am very sad and feel so alone.  

She does not work, and yet is soooo busy all of the time (doing nothing of consequence)  we joined a local yacht club, and she hates boating, but somehow has risen to the level of vice commodore (she even gets severe seasickness).   All from a hyper focus on the club.

She denies nearly every hurtful or hateful thing she has ever said, so I began to write them down.  She now tells me I have fabricated all of the events to fit my expectation...  I cannot seem to win.  All of my "reactive" behaviors, only seem to fuel her thinking that there is something wrong with me...

I say yes there is, I've secured a wife, and given her the responsibility to nurture me and love me, but she does not seem to want the job.

That hurts alot.  But she says it is my problem.  She cannot make me "feel" anything.

I am almost jealous of the lesser degrees of problems I am reading about.  I am 49 and only have one life...  do I get out, or keep trying to swim against the tide of a hurtful relationship?

Paul,  I have done (or still do) to my husband all the things you have listed.  And I will add one more.  If I don't turn it around and blame him, then I blame myself and begin to wallow in my own failures and incompetence, which then shifts the focus entirely from the subject at hand.  Then he ends up having to console me rather than either of us finding a solution to what was bothering him in the first place.  What has helped me is to REALIZE that I do this, and also to realize the effects such as when my husband gives up trying to tell me things or feels like he is walking on eggshells whenever he opens his mouth.  Now I am much more conscious of this when he begins a conversation so that I can try to avoid (or at least restrain!) my natural reactions and actively LISTEN first while trying to create an atmosphere that makes him feel safe to express himself.  For some with impulsivity issues, this may be impossible.  But I can usually manage it most of the time.

You should understand that her negative reactions often come from a serious low self-esteem issue.  We are so accustomed to failure and BEING the problem, that we immediately become defensive without really even hearing the issue.  Honestly, I don't know yet how to resolve that problem other than to try to work together as a team on the ADHD symptoms.  But your wife has to be willing--you cannot force that.  So, if you are looking for what YOU can do independently to help the situation, I would say to start working REALLY HARD on praising your wife OFTEN.  For every little thing you can.  Because what may seem like a small thing to you (like the fact that the breakfast dishes were washed when you get home from work) probably took a LOT more energy and mental effort than you can imagine.  And RESIST the urge to add any criticism to it (like why aren't the dishes back in the cabinet yet)!  I realize this can seem unfair.  However, I think if you can fill up your wife with compliments, you may be surprised at how willing she is to take responsibility when she genuinely needs to change something.  Make it a habit to LOOK FOR things to encourage her about, even if they seem silly.  A compliment is NEVER silly to me!

Another thing to remember is that usually when I have become defensive and resistant to criticism or his "helpfulness," I almost always keep thinking about it later and realize he was right and that I totally overreacted.  Depending on your relationship, she may or may not ever tell you that.

My husband and I are just at the beginning of how to figure out how to function in a marriage with ADD.  We (really, I) have just recently begun to understand its effects on our relationship.  So I am also looking for answers to these and similar questions too.  But at least maybe I can offer you a little bit of your wife's perspective.  Don't stop communicating!  When that happens, everyone starts making assumptions about what the other person is thinking or feeling and their motives, and that can get REALLY BAD really fast!  Talk to her at a non-conflict time about the way she responds to you when you need bring up an important issue.  Ask her how she wants you to present problems in a way that will be less likely to hurt her feelings or sound like blame?  She may just simply need to understand that you really are not TRYING to upset her.  Good luck!

no, you shouldn't accept it!  I am the ADD girlfriend and we are dealing with exactly the same problems.  After 3.5 years I am finally starting to change my first reactions, but those are absolutely the same instincts I have.  I want to jump right past the hurtful part of apologizing, admitting fault in myself (when I already feel low 'cause I know I made him feel bad) - I just want him to feel better ASAP.  And that means I don't want to talk about why he was hurt... my first instinct is that he'll feel better as soon as I solve the problem.  It takes a long time and a good few repetitions, learning by seeing this theory actually work when put into action!  

I can hear my husband's thoughts echoing yours and I empathize.

For myself and my husband we have found that writing down our thoughts first ( especially me) helps us both to understand the other a bit better. It is still a struggle and sometimes we don't see eye to eye but I believe we have found a path to understanding and hearing each other.

Best of luck to you both.

Hi Paul,

First of all I just want to say that you should NOT stop trying to communicate with your wife, because when you stop trying, you start to eventually feel disconnected from your partner and you drift apart. So too dangerous an option!

Secondly, in the hyper mind of someone suffering from ADD/ADHD the overwhelming impulse to reply as quickly as possible is driven by too strong emotional response to what other people are saying to you.  Also, you are her family unit, so you will be associated with the "safe haven"; if you question her behavior she associates it directly with all the other times she has heard criticism (and of course she has heard your comments before from others, it's unavoidable for someone that is so emotional and impulsive as a ADD/ADHD person).

I think that first of all you should get information on line from forums about how things normally are challenging between ADD spouses and non ADD spouses, especially with regard to communication. Then tell your wife that you have read up on ADD because you want to understand her better and show her all the things people in the same situation mention as common struggles and the potential solutions for this. I think it will help her to see that you two are not alone, and to see that you care about her challenges and how you can try to tackle it together. I think that you need to decide whether your are ready to accept the reality of her symptoms and if you are, you will have to demand that she accepts them as well. That means that it cannot be ignored, denied, or explained as something else. It should be dealt with as facts, without judgement, and the coping mechanisms for dealing with her symptoms will have to be worked out by you two together.

Since communication is a two way street, you need to realize how non ADD partners tend to misinterpret ADD responses and how to stop doing that and chose other ways, while your wife needs to (wo)man up and accept her tendencies and read up on how that tends to work and alternative ways of dealing with her struggles. You are BOTH the problem since neither of you seems to be able to take a step back and say to yourself, ok what I've done so far has not worked, so I need to STOP doing that, become more objective, get some information, look at things from another angle, and try again. If you two want to be married and ADD is in the picture, your communications cannot be about who is right or wrong, because that will eventually destroy your communication, it needs to be about: so how do things seem to happen when we communicate, how do we trigger reactions in each other?

Common causes for non-constructive ADD/ADD communication are:

- the person with ADD/ADHD is already mentally exhausted by the working day and has done nothing to re-gain energy since coming home

- or has not eaten properly for their brain's need (nutrition adapted to ADD/ADHD is really key) so has brain fog/mood swings/ and mental exhaustion

- is not applying daily relaxing techniques to help buzz levels in the brain come down before talking

- is not physically active on a daily basis and is constantly building up internal emotional and mental pressure that will make it impossible to be balanced with a partner

- is not prepared for the conversation and goes into the routine super-emotional response by default. 

What you can do next time you want to talk about something important with your wife is to take her out for a brisk walk. wait until you have walked for about 30 to 40 minutes before you start talking though. By then her brain has gotten the help from the exercise, to bring out some hormone production in the body that serves to compensate for her imbalance in hormones that is initially causing her ADD and then becomes more similar to a non ADD brain function. I.e. you should get more "normal responses"!

However if you want to change things, start to read up on ADD/ADHD, you need to read a lot of stuff before you find the information that seems to apply to your specific situation. But if you make the effort, you will find out how to deal with things better.

I wish you the best of luck!!

You call it chain talking. I call it talking in circles. I can't talk in a straight line. Its painful. I realize the circles are painful or tedious to others so I work to limit the circumference (ha!) of the circle, I promise I will connect back to the main point asap, I ask people to remind me if I stray too far off.

You said "when I see that quizzical look on their faces, I realize I have "missed the point" and need to get back on task". Maybe you haven't "missed the point" - maybe you're enhancing the point and giving it wonderful rich context that linear thinkers just can't appreciate as they impatient waiting for a punch line!

...me too, Nichole!

Just yesterday someone asked me to 'sum it up in 10 words or less' and after giving me a few seconds, nodded and smiled, thinking I knew nothing. Lordy. I was stuck on "10 WORDS..."