Hi. I'm really struggling with this issue, as I do off and on. I often read about people with ADHD that "this is who they are. Other people need to accept this." I accept this statement to a certain point and I realize that to the extent I don't accept it, that's my problem. But perhaps even more of a struggle for me is the following: I am who I am. Can my husband accept that? Even more important, can I accept it? Is it OK for me to say, "I'm a very sensitive person. I don't want to think of myself as a person who is vulnerable. But I am. I don't want to think that I've been hurt in ways that are very hard for me to overcome. But I have been hurt and I really don't think I can get over them." And if it is OK for me to say these things, how can I actually reach that point where I accept that I'm not the perfect person who can deal with anything that life with a spouse with ADHD throws at me? I think the upshot of this is that I don't think I can stay married to a man with ADHD if it means trying to make myself into a person that I'm not.
Accepting the non-ADHD partner as he or she is
Submitted by PoisonIvy on 10/07/2014.
Rosered, i don't know whether
Submitted by Standing on
Rosered, i don't know whether this helps, but maybe acceptance is not what it's about... at least not at the moment? Maybe it is more about forgiveness. It's like - i forgive someone for not returning something she borrowed ... 70 times 7 times... i forgive. At some point, i need to accept the fact that if i lend her my treasures, i am not likely to get them back. Do i stop forgiving her? No, but i had better stop lending, or my house will be bare.
Beyond that, there is the question of tolerating evil (also known as enabling).
I don't think we are created to accept lies or cruelty or abandonment, not for a moment. But sometimes we must accept that that is all we are going to get from some folks if things remain as they are. Some behaviors and relational styles are not acceptable, no matter what.
I think we are given strength and grace to overcome our hurts... and more strength and grace to stand up and say, i will not allow hurtful people into my inner circle any longer.
You have great dignity. Believe that and you will walk it out :)
Standing, I appreciate your
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Standing, I appreciate your words. But what I'm really looking for here is how to accept myself. Part of me knows that it's OK to be upset about the fact that my husband does not communicate with me (meaning weeks at a time of no contact by phone or email much less in person). And another part says, I should be used to this. I shouldn't care. I KNOW that my husband isn't going to change. But I keep expecting myself to change and be OK with bad treatment. So, how do I get to the point at which I say, it's OK to be a person who is bothered by being treated badly. Because that's who I am.
Surround yourself with caring people
Submitted by Standing on
The contrast is startling! Being treated poorly begins to seem less and less appropriate and fitting and natural, once there are other safe people nearby for comfort. It is never okay for someone to mistreat you, but as your inner core is strengthened by secure relationships, it begins to matter a whole lot less to you what the unsafe person thinks or how he treats you.
Thanks, Standing. I'm at the
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thanks, Standing. I'm at the point now where I do have caring people around but I practically melt sometimes when men are nice to me or I observe them being nice to their wives. One of my coworkers mentioned her husband had talked to her on the phone about his job and I thought, "Oh my god. There are men who do that. She's so lucky! I miss that!" And then I thought, "Oh, I'm such a weak person, for caring about whether or not my husband talks to me."
It's not weak to feel those longing
Submitted by Standing on
I feel that way, too, when i see husbands who clearly cherish their wives, especially when they demonstrate how protective they are of them. It's going to hurt, i think, but it hurts less when we allow ourselves to grieve and mourn the loss? I am not there by any means, but after years of wondering what was wrong with me that i could not get him to see what he was missing, i finally am having to let it go. What we try to stuff is gonna keep popping out in distressing ways. Punch a pillow or two and let the feathers fly, whatever it takes, but let those feelings out so that you can give up trying to be stoical and step forward into life!
Where I am today, at this point in time
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Rosered,
What I realized, just this morning quite actually, is that I no longer wish to say "Yes, I want to work on my marriage." I do not want to go to counseling. I do not want to make the marriage my focus.
For right now - and this may change - but for today, for right now - I will focus on me.
A metaphor or simile or emotional word picture - to express where I am - it is like being in a reading group. Imagine you have read the whole book, and your group of friends is still on chapter 1 or 2 or 3. It will not make for really good group discussion until all in the group are on the same page. So, while I am not better than anyone else because I got all the way through the book, I know others read at a different speed. I will just busy myself with other stuff, and check in occasionally to see if it is time to get together to discuss the book. If they indicate that, yes indeed they are doing their best to read the book, I will leave it at that.
I have been asked very often if I want to stay married. If I want this to work out. I will say of course. And without any pomposity in my heart or soul, I need to step back to make sure the page I "think" I will get to, will be the same page my spouse wants to get to, too. While he indicates it is - I FEEL we are expecting/dreaming/wanting/looking-at 2 totally different outcomes.
What I have now - today - at this moment at time - truly is inacceptable to my sensibilities. This is true in the realm of "What marriage means to Liz." I AM NOT OK with poor treatment. I AM REALLY bothered by being treated badly, based on my own standards and limits.
If I were single, and this man I am married to would be asking me out on a date - based on current behavior, I would be foolish to enter into that relationship. That is very telling to me.
Reality is harsh. But it is real. And it is mine.
Liz
That Makes Perfect Sense Liz
Submitted by kellyj on
I think it is what any reasonable person would do in your case and sounds very healthy too. Not selfish....healthy.
health-e ie healed well
J
Normal
Submitted by ShelleyNW on
"Your needs are no less valid
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"Your needs are no less valid than anyone else's."
This is the part I'm struggling with now. I've accepted that my husband is who is and isn't going to change. I haven't accepted that my needs are valid. I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I have a need for love and companionship. How do I get over those feelings?
compassion training
Submitted by ShelleyNW on
I don't think you need to be a person that you are not....
Submitted by c ur self on
I do think life changes us all. I think Rosered, like c ur self, will change until the day we pass from this life. I'm not the person I was a year ago. I think to many of us spouses get so focused on things we are not responsible for, or would change if we had mind and heart control capabilities, we loose site of some very important things concerning who we are.
It's OK to accept people for who they are, because the reality is their going to be that person weather you and I accept them or not. Acceptance doesn't need to be confused with agreement. So, there doesn't have to be submission to anything from our perspective that we enable, if it's unwise to do so in our view. If this is being force on any of use, then we are being abused.
The reality that never will change is each of us has opinions about life, and how to deal it, and we all have our own perception's and thoughts concerning others....So, for lack of a better way to say it...I keep using the fly on the wall scenario....Because, other than our love and just living out a life of responsibility as as example for one another there isn't much impact we will ever have on the others choices about life. Even our children and spouse.
When we didn't know
Submitted by dedelight4 on
There is much to be said about accepting our ADHD partners as they are, but IMO (whatever that's worth), it's somewhat different when we didn't KNOW what we were dealing with for SO LONG. My husband didn't get diagnosed till he was in his mid 50's, so for 20 some odd years, I thought I had a narcissistic, angry, chameleon for a husband.
The things we talked about and agreed upon BEFORE marriage, were not the things that manifested AFTER the wedding. It was SO night and day, that it was frustrating as heck. We were so alike, believed the same things, wanted the same things OUT of life, etc, but WHAM, then the wedding, and all those things went out the window. Suddenly, it went from me and you, to me, me me, me ME. I was suddenly out of the picture, until I was NEEDED for something (which was a LOT).I have so been like a mother instead of a loving, sexual, sensual, wife, who was his partner in life. In HIS mind, we weren't partners, we were HIM. HE was HIM, and I was just along for the ride. It was sure frustrating and agonizingly crushing to my heart and self esteem. He stopped TALKING to me, and hasn't talked to me since unless it's about politics, and/or "little things" that have nothing to do with anything. Plus, there's all the non-stop talk from his "mind chatter". Loud, non-stop talk about everything and anything he's going to do, and has to do, and what he thinks I should do. And, most of it doesn't get done, it's just MIND chatter. There is a HUGE disconnect between us with this constantly going on.
I wish he would look into my eyes and just talk DIRECTLY TO ME. LOOK AT ME. SEE ME. KNOW ME.........I AM A PERSON.....I AM YOUR WIFE. I do accept the person he is with ADHD, but I really HATE the condition of ADHD. I like the PERSON of my husband, but I don't like ADHD, that makes him do things that hurt so many people.
same here dede....
Submitted by c ur self on
That's the thing we didn't know before hand....cause we probably wouldn't have married them....NO probably;)...I'm learning to not take it so personal...Last night she made some comments, that are so selfish, and really disrespectful, but not in a mean way, just in that spaced out chatter, she has no idea how she sounded lol...I didn't say anything back, because if I point it out, it's like here we go again, and I'm not going to parent her :) try not anyway:) just trying to have a thick skin. Plus, to tell the whole truth she had agreed to one of my favorite things :) and from a selfish perspective I didn't want to mess that up lol....Anyway I got a text from her tonight, that said, were becoming best friends....I thought that was sweet...I can be her best friend, if she can call the shots....lol...Wasn't that the way it worked for girls in the 7th grade :)
Just jesting...I'm truly thankful, there is love here, and some semblance of accountability, and acceptance....I am grateful my anger is gone...PTL :) But, reading your post is identical to my life with her...If your husband is like my wife, they feel like every thing is fine....I would describe my wife like this...Every thing that is important to her has to have its own separate life....Her ADD is so linked to Hoarding, Hyper focus, Distractibility, outbursts, no time management....Bless her heart...No matter if we were married or not, I would feel for her....She works twice as hard as I do just to get through a day She can't fall a sleep, and she can't get up :(....ADD controls her....She's my Angel though...I just can't enable her though...She doesn't know how to separate it...When i do things for her, she expects it all the time...When she had a broke leg for a couple of months...It set us back...After she got up and going again, we had some strained relations....She would just confront me like I was a maid..LOL...Which I kind of am:)....But, I had to calmly tell her...Hey!...Really?...lol...She got it...eventually...Blessings dede:)
Rosered I Hear You
Submitted by kellyj on
Ripple in still water
When there is no pebble tossed
Nor wind to blow
Reach out your hand if your cup be empty
If your cup is full may it be again
Let it be known there is a fountain
That was not made by the hands of men
There is a road, no simple highway
Between the dawn and the dark of night
And if you go no one may follow
That path is for your steps alone
To every thing there is a season ~ a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up.
When I read your post I thought of these words, Acceptance and forgiveness is not for your husband or anyone else....it is for you. A life of deprivation is not a life that anyone would accept as being a fulfilling life. What you are feeling is normal and there's nothing wrong with you .
You said But perhaps even more of a struggle for me is the following: I am who I am. Can my husband accept that? Even more important, can I accept it?
Maybe the better question is....can I love myself the way I am? Do you love yourself? It is not arrogant to love yourself.
When my mother died this year I had to face death. Death is final and there is nothing under heaven and earth that you can do to change that. You must accept something that you have no choice in and it hurts. There is pain that you cannot stop feeling.....you have no choice in when, how or why this happens. You have no control of it what so ever except your ability to accept it. If you can't do this then your pain remains unresolved and you are depriving yourself of the ability to move on and live your life without that pain.
I think what you are experiencing is a death......of something inside you that you cannot let go of but you should? Maybe you are experiencing the experience of being human and are in one of the stages of grief after death........ and it's normal to feel this way and there is nothing wrong with you at all. In fact.....it would not be normal if you didn't.
I don't think there is any difference when something inside of you dies. You still have to go through the stages of grief and there is no shame in that.
The change comes from within. The acceptance is for you.....so is forgiveness. It's for you and no one else. You reap the benefits of it by letting go of the pain.
But you must love yourself first above all.
"That path is for your steps alone"
I hope this helps.
J
That is it.
Submitted by Standing on
It's the path I'm on, and not by my own design. I could not find it until I admitted my own powerlessness over my situation. Yes, it is a death. In the past two years, I have lost both of my parents, and that began the end of who I thought I needed to be. There's no one left who can tell me what to do but God, if I will let Him. I want to let Him, so I started asking for Godly counsel, and that has led me to some new boundaries, both within and without. I WILL be vulnerable. I will NOT be destroyed by that vulnerability. I think it comes down to humility and giving up all of those "shoulds". I Should be able to handle this. I Should be able to figure out a way to change this mess. I Should be able to make my husband value me enough that he will stop draining our marriage of life. I Should have known better. I Should not let anyone hurt me again. I Should make myself invulnerable and impervious to all the effects of living in a circus.
No. I shouldn't.
You know what? I was not designed for that. I admit that I can't do it. I need help. Legal help, counseling help, the help that comes from trusted, safe friends, when I share with them what is REALLY going on. It's really easy to adopt a victim stance in this sort of situation. Or a martyr complex. I've tried both on for size and they don't fit. My counselor says that I am a survivor. Unfortunately, many of my well practiced survival techniques are exactly what will keep me from thriving, if I don't let them go. So - here we go again, starting fresh. Like a newborn baby. Better turn to some solid, trustworthy helpers for a hand up.
No You Shouldn't Have Known Better...
Submitted by kellyj on
but maybe now you do. You trusted because that's who you are. If someone takes advantage of that trust ......that's all on them. Trusting means you made yourself vulnerable but maybe what you believed about the person you trusted ended up not being true. Maybe the next time you meet someone like this you will recognize them this time as being not someone you should trust......and it won't happen again.
The lesson will be repeated until it is learned. That's not a crime.
I've been there many times and I'm hopefully in the place where I can recognized this for myself too.
But if you stop trusting you will deny yourself the opportunity for receiving from that person the exact same thing you are offering to them.
I don't want to be vague here because I think you (from our discussions and knowing your background) know that you started out being taught or trained by being raised by a NPD to be blinded by the very thing that they wanted to remain hidden from you. The thing they fear most is exposure and they do a very good job of hiding it. ( exposure of their insecurity and weakness). You were taught by design NOT to recognize it. That was their job and they do it better than anyone. That's not your fault. Whether by intention or not......this was not something that you learned how to recognize. Plus...you were taught to fit the mold they made for themselves. Yikes!
Don't do that anymore. Make your own mold and then live within it. That's part of loving yourself better. Stop being the same piece of someone else's puzzle. There is no shame in the fact that this happened but don't be the victim of it either.
That's also part of what I said about being angry about it once you see this. There really is no one to blame or no one to be angry at...
"like being angry at your cat for being a cat."
That's the lesson. That is your job now. That is the path to be able to trust and be the giving person you are and not to deny this part of you or deny yourself the riches (not that you deserve) but that other people have to offer you in the same vain.
It won't keep happening if you can do this. Make it your assignment from here on out.
That's also why I have spent so much time learning this lesson for the same reason and to keep learning it better. So I don't miss out.
You can do it and you will be stronger for it. I can guarantee that.
But it's wrong to say you should have known. Of course you wish you had and have regrets that you didn't.
I also like...."the beatings will continue until moral improves." lol
J
oops...minor loss of context
Submitted by kellyj on
I just reread what I said and realized that I lost context in the end. I did or do understand that you are saying the same thing....".no I shouldn't" in context to saying that you are NOT saying that you believe you should have known. I did get that but started projecting myself into it as I was writing.
Sorry for ranting.....but the message is still the same.
Peace
J
It's all good, J :)
Submitted by Standing on
Context is in a state of flux around here lol. I really liked your post; got me off to a good start for the day.
Peace!
Excellent!
Submitted by kellyj on
ditto
"I think it comes down to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"I think it comes down to humility and giving up all of those "shoulds". I Should be able to handle this. I Should be able to figure out a way to change this mess. I Should be able to make my husband value me enough that he will stop draining our marriage of life. I Should have known better. I Should not let anyone hurt me again. I Should make myself invulnerable and impervious to all the effects of living in a circus.
No. I shouldn't."
You got it. Thank you for posting this.
I think what you are
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I think what you are experiencing is a death......of something inside you that you cannot let go of but you should? Maybe you are experiencing the experience of being human and are in one of the stages of grief after death........ and it's normal to feel this way and there is nothing wrong with you at all. In fact.....it would not be normal if you didn't.
You're right. I am experiencing both the death of my old relationship (my husband's behavior makes it seem as though it never took place) and the death of someone I thought I was.
Both of Those Deserve Some Grieving Time Rosered
Submitted by kellyj on
Now you've accepted it.....you'll go through the process ( in it's own time ) and you will feel different than you do today.
I know the feeling.....it hurts today and you don't want it to hurt. You just want to stop huritng......NOW!! TODAY!! But it will come trust me....it will come. Now you can sit back and grieve. Be good to yourself....do nice things for yourself...do things you love to do. I found I appreciated everything even more! Even the smallest things that you might take for granted seem so much nicer.
If you broke your leg and needed to heal...what would you do in that case? Do whatever that helps make's it as comfortable as you can by taking care of yourself while you heal....that's what you would do.
You will also find that after you do this you will feel better about yourself too...and when your done grieving your head will be a lot clearer and it will be easier to think.
Don't be in a hurry to make decisions.....it will change, and then change, and then change again. You can count of that. Wait until the dust settles and in the mean time. Take really good care of yourself. You'll get better for sure :)
J
Rosered...One More Thing My Dear
Submitted by kellyj on
Relapses are common......just hold on tight during those white knuckle moments and ride that wave until you come out the other side. It'll happen.
Oh, and another one more thing.....it really is like breaking your leg or injuring your body....no joke. There is a set time frame (God given) that it will take to heal. You can't rush it and not much else you can do to make it go faster except for what I said....be good to yourself. That will help.
Take care
J