Submitted by sballe on 05/14/2012.
Hi, I've been involved with a man (who has ADD) for 4 months. He is 59, I'm 56. He just relocated from NC to Florida to continue our relationship after initially meeting in Florida while he was visiting a friend. We've had great communication, attraction, mutual like and respect for each other. We share many things in common. After being here for one week, he abruptly ended the relationship citing impulsivity that caused him to get over-involved. He said he did not love me enough to continue on. He blamed his behavior on his ADD and said he was sorry. He was loving and kind while I cried and fell apart. Now he is taking time to think before we speak again. I'm wondering if this is a common problem and if anyone can help me understand it.
sballe,
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
I am sorry to hear that your boyfriend ended things abruptly,I don't know if it is common in ADHD relationships a professional might have to answer that one for you(ADHD COACH),but,I do know that being in a ADHD relationship is very difficult b/c I am in one myself with my ADHD husband,unless they take responsibilities for their own actions,things could get very hard.Maybe he is overwhelmed with having to move from one place to another,I really can't say,only based on what you wrote,don't blame yourself for the break up,I am sure things will get better for you.
hang in there.
from:lovehurts.
yeah- I've done this...
Submitted by smilingagain on
Hi there,
I am so sorry you have had your heart broken. That just sucks. I hope you are slowly healing. I confess I have done something like this in the past... a few times.
The problem is that I (and I am guessing ADHD people generally- but only speaking for myself here) have the tendency to be interested in many different kinds of people and we feel emotions intensely. So when we meet someone and have a really stimulating, exciting conversation or connection, we can get completely carried away. In my case, I would (unknowingly) use it as a vehicle to express myself and feel good about myself. As an example- when I was in high school, I *fell in love* with a guy I met once at an overseas debating tournament (true story). We had one drunken kiss and from there we exchanged addresses and wrote ourselves into a state of high romance. He was an amazing, brilliant writer... smart, funny... The problem? When I flew back to visit him 5 months later- I could tell instantly as I walked off the plane that I was not attracted to him. Oops. I broke his heart. I did this a few other times to a lesser degree. I never meant to hurt anyone. I truly felt like I was in love- but then later realized that it was infatuation or lust or novelty.
I chalked this up to youth at the time... but it does fit the diagnosis of ADHD (which I only discovered 6 months ago at age 33). Impulsivity, hyperfocus, creativity, hyperactivity, addictive tendencies... I romanticized the person and drew positive inferences about all their traits, I laid it on really thick. It felt good to do that and I didn't know that I didn't 100% mean it, because I did mean it- in that moment... I also had a few people that I flip-flopped on. I thought I was in love, then I thought I wasn't and broke up with the person, only to regain my feelings and realize that I'd destroyed something that had real potential. I broke my own heart a few times that way, by impulsively breaking up with someone I did love when things weren't as exciting as I preferred them to be.
I have been married for 9 years- so this isn't a current thing- but I did do this when I was younger. I do, however, still occasionally jump in strong to friendships that I then find I cannot maintain.
As for now- I have learned that real love is not fireworks and unicorns on a daily basis- but is lasting friendship and deep care and concern for the other's well-being. Being sexually attracted to them is also a must (for me). For the first 5 years with my husband , I had moments where I thought about leaving when the novelty wore off- I think that might be part of why I instigated so many fights (without consciously meaning to), because my brain liked that drama... The last 5 years have been more peaceful- but we are always more tumultuous than most because I am so emotional and he is not as sensitive as he could be...
Anyway- sorry for this novel of a response. And I am sorry you are hurting. It's not fair. Hang in there. And don't let him back in without him being positive of your feelings, and even then, maybe not. Hugs.