Submitted by Simone on 11/20/2022.
I am close to my breaking point. Has anyone has had experience about divorce proceedings with someone with ADHD? Its so difficult to accomplish anything with my spouse that I cant imagine how difficult it wil be to go through a divorce (splitting assets, signing documents, etc). Any tips? Thanks
Simone I Am About to find out
Submitted by eyekahlo on
Simone-my breaking point occurred this past week. Finally reached it after 40 yrs plus.Oddly -I am filled with relief. A weird relaxing of anxieties..but without my emotional meltdown "floor show"- sort of how one might feel after a huge cry but with no cry! ( and no ben jerry's). Long marriage: his untreated ADHD,affairs,$$ issues,pass aggr, emotional unavailability, casino patron,, etc etc- and I mean a lot of etc. I did Melissa's course alone in 2016. I lost weight,got BP 2 dx ,treatment,therapist,hobbies, etc...Most importantly I discovered I had a backbone and had to excavate my self esteem- It does exist but needs a lot of nuturing.Did in house separation-then LAT living apart together. I had several consul with lawyers-I was determined to divorce. Something held me back -I did stop and start-After one year LAT-my gut said it is now-yet I obsessed about what if- you know what if this happens what if that happens.Will I be worse off..House needing major repairs,what will I live on on and on. Many unannounced crying pity parties mostly in morning and before i could make coffee!!....Finally found the "right lawyer" And yet I still backed out again. You know "the denial is strong with this one"..I made a deal with myself. I just needed to uncover what I was sure was another affair-this would be the sign- I guess my own permission to myself-a -have hung in there long enough....Well it happened -in plain sight. My detective manual no longer needed. Thank you c card stmts don't lie. hard evidence. Now-I won't sugar coat it-it is very very difficult -- legal is expensive-options depending what state you live, Get a consult-even if $$, then retain a lawyer-don't go it alone.Ask questions- we didn't study this in high school or college. Don't get bulldozed.You can gather many documents yourself-hopefully you have been keeping records.no matter start now. .Educate yourself. I told no one. I mean no one (well my therapist of course). Ah yes Joan of Arc's long lost cousin LOL..Martyr mania! -this week another consult with the lawyer-i work out what I want. Really the first time I have even considered that. Always knew what I didn't want. This has been profound-you mean I can create my own life? this is news to me. Am over the hill now-so some serious thought on this is required. I need to put on those big girl pants-except now they may be depends. LOL.I am not out for revenge or blood-I don't want a bag of gold. I just want to be free of this. To have a roof over my head, have enough food amd be able to grow my own food-dabble in my hobbies-enjoy my grandchildren . Stop being a cranky you know what.The anger has passed or abated considerably-anger is the toughest part IMHO. Feel numb about this affair been turning my head for years- worked out that how can he be with another woman bs.It is all starting to fall into place. The future is frightening.. But I can't drag the "old"past along anymore Enough. Have come a long way since 19 when this relationship (if you can call it that) began. I look back and see the things that happened from a total new perspective as another person almost-it is clear now. Those " this doesn't add up" guts feelings from the very start - blissfully believing I could change him and fix it all.I was basically arm-candy.TOTAL DENIAL.This is where most of the anger lies at myself-how could I be so naive, so stupid, so scared of rocking the boat by standing up for myself..-had underestimated my subconscious learned behavior etc from childhood-many things surfaced now. became painfully aware and am working on them-sometimes successfully some times not -it is all progress. Many past attempts at marriage counseling. Like Melissa says-At some point he has to get of the dime. Not happening. I have to accept my part in this disaster. I belittled, passed judgment- yes berated H. Many rants.. Stuffed my face, hoarded,etc. was not "my best self" yet it turned out to be status quo. It is hard to face my contributions to this all.. I stopped using counseling as a parking place for my complaints. I have had to figure out what to do.I can honestly say now I have "turned over every stone" (boy I love quotation marks and parentheses and generic sayings-LOL) Recently printed an old Melissa- post yet still relevant-" For Men with ADHD Who Aren't Convinced It Matters" (very un generic!!) and made H read it. I was giving it one of my last chances rants.Non results-Much stalling with speed --no skimmed reading. Response- It is way too general. Guess I could have ADHD. I'm too old, its too hard, I don't want to, you knew I was this way when you married me---" . At that moment I barricaded my response inside-wishing I worked at a glass factory. So now I am almost over the weird fantasy of there being an audience to this soap opera-and them saying-what is the matter with you-how can you live like this-how could you let this go on. NOW- I am facing the truth now- I was too scared. This relationship (or whatever it is called) was better than nothing at all. I was trying to solve the deficits of my own upbringing Still looking for that approval-and still not getting it.. I guess this is still one of my rants- free therapy-but I believe sometimes you just have to hear your own self aloud or put in a journal to read later-many years later and realize yet again that the same feelings and stuff is still going on. Stopped trying to figure out what I did wrong in this. Is it all my fault? Sorry to go on and on. Segway .. I remember as a teenager (in the late 1960's) asking my grandmother why she did not remarry after my grandfather passed.They had a stormy marriage. from what I can remember J Daniels resided there as well.- She said-I have had enough from one man why would I want another. And then in same breath said- Lets go to Dairy Queen and get a hot fudge sundae. Guess it was pretty simple then for her. Simone I guess this rant is more about me but I truly hope you can sieve something helpful. Now I have translated that to mean which s&2ks less..staying doing the same old same old and expecting same results or moving on (Melissa says this often). just have to find the switch on myself that shines a new light--trite I know..:-). I am assembling property, debt,taxes, checking accts, what H owes-has business debts-are those mine-too? get a lawyer consult-interview several--don't move with this until you are ready-you will know. yet have a timeline-which will be a guess line. , guess on what property appraisals might be, figuring out what is owed then what could be left over-then what portion could be yours. Who gets to keep the couch etc. I got an app calledUndermyroof. Have a parenting schedule if this applies to you.Hash out every detail-things might come back to haunt you. My kids flew the nest a long time ago. Also don't underestimate that they-if adults- will have anger and disbelief towards both of you.Don't badmouth your spouse to them or anyone-even if he does.. Adult children are effected as well. All this assembling of documentation will seem insurmountable at times. But just keep working on it-and take care-really good care of yourself along the way. Figure out ways to support yourself as well- online selling these days has gotten complicated-do you sew, do you have something you make--can you work part time-if you don't work now. Maybe etsy-you tube channel- Don't forget AirBNB or Vacasa (of course vette (spelling?) this if you have that in your areas. Clean houses. Brainstorm..Put your energy into your future.. You can do this.
Oh I forgot to mentions the sportcar
Submitted by eyekahlo on
And then there is the sportscar!!
Yes!!!
Submitted by adhd32 on
The requisite midlife-crisis trophy! Usually cared for with the utmost detail! Too bad that same intense care was never dedicated to the relationship. Imagine if all that energy spent polishing and tinkering around was spent on the house and family.
Every divorce is different
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
No matter what, I would recommend getting copies of all your financials in advance. It's also helpful to know your rights. The internet may be able to tell you that. In my case, I saw a lawyer in advance to get an idea of typical custody, support, etc. in my situation.
My separation went fairly well, I would say. My ex was honest with the finances and didn't try for any custody. However, physically the hard stuff was left to me. I had to prep our house to sell - it was an insane amount of work with the ADHD wreckage throughout. All the while, I worked full time and had our child full time while he lived with his parents - no job or responsibilities. He would not come and get his things. He did not help with any of the painting, repairs, etc. However, I just kept telling myself this would be the last time I'd have to do everything for two people and slogged through. I sent him receipts for all the work I did and he paid half. I had to write up the agreements and initiate all the conversations. But in the end, he signed everything. The house sold. We split assets. It was a lot of work for me - as you might be anticipating for yourself. Life definitely got a LOT harder before it got easier.
BUT! We were able to remain reasonably amicable and didn't require lawyers in the end. Neither of us wanted the added expense or animosity. I think that may be rare. Every divorce is different. If your spouse is manipulative or hiding anything, I would think getting lawyers involved early would be the safer route. If you think he may get angry or violent if/when you break the news, prepare and protect yourself adequately with help from professionals who can recommend and support you with a safe exit.
Wishing you the best. I'm sorry for what you're going through.
Do some preliminary work
Submitted by adhd32 on
Before having ANY conversation with your spouse about divorce see an attorney for guidance. The knowledge you will gain by knowing what to do to prepare is worth the fee and could save you from making, or agreeing to, bad choices. Don't listen to that friend of your cousin's or any other third party who got divorced as everyone's situation is different. Knowing the good and bad can help you figure out a timeline if you choose divorce.
That's what attorneys are for
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Consult an attorney immediately (i.e. before you tell your ADHD spouse about your decision to get divorced.) You'll need to get copies of all financial statements for all accounts for the last three or four years. If possible, gather all of these documents before announcing you are asking for a divorce. Don't expect your ADHD spouse to 'rise to the occasion' for the divorce. If you think you've lived 'ugly' during your marriage preparing for the divorce is the final blowout.
Thanks. T
Submitted by Simone on
That is what I am afraid of. I am already exhausted and stressed.
I have been divorced for
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I have been divorced for about 6 1/2 years. My ex-spouse has ADHD and other disorders (anxiety and depression, among them). I knew that his avoidance and neglect of obligations might hinder the divorce process, so I proposed a property agreement that would require him to do as little as possible. His neglect of our family home was the primary reason I proposed that I get the house. His general difficulty with taking action of any kind was the primary reason I proposed that we not divide his retirement accounts. I think he did hide some money, but I accepted that as a trade-off for other things. I documented my contacts with him during the divorce, so that when he wasn't responding to communication from the court, I had evidence that I was trying to keep the process moving.
Good luck.
Thanks
Submitted by Simone on
I am concern that my husband will.insist he can prep tha house, documents,etc , but won't do it. He procrastinates everything. That is part of out problem.
Set a date in divorce settlement for sale 'as is'
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Set a date in your divorce settlement agreement that house will be sold 'as is' on date X (don't make it contingent on finishing X, Y, Z repairs before house will be on market.)
Hi, I am having exactly the
Submitted by Exhausting on
Hi, I am having exactly the same thoughts as you atm so you are not alone. I just think in the end you need to take the control as there will be many attempts to stonewall you and hijack the process. The number of times I have been threatened with him moving out and leaving me with nothing, wanting the house sold TOMORROW, taking everything to a lawyer, blah blah blah and all the other baseless accusations, but nothing ever eventuates. The next day all the rage and hurtful conversation from the day before seems to be forgotten - like it didn't happen and then we're back to square one again. I can't even get my H to talk about our household expenses so we can manage these equally. My advice is to speak to a lawyer to make sure you are doing everything legally and to know what you should avoid doing, but most importantly what you need to do to protect yourself and your children if you have any. That way you can never be accused of being unfair or unreasonable and can demonstrate that you've done everything properly and respectfully. Good luck.
Two weeks into this process and it is not for the faint of heart
Submitted by Megs27 on
I give him a deadline to list out his debts and assets, and decide whether he wants to do this uncontested (with a mediator) or contested (with separate attorneys) and he waits until an hour before the deadline and instead asks to "Come over and talk face-to-face about why we are divorcing" because "This is very sudden" and "a surprise" to him.
It's not sudden and shouldn't be a surprise. He just hasn't been listening.
This process is going to be maddening---the cherry on top of a chaos-filled marriage.
He never 'listened'; he won't start now
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Divorce is about preparation from both sides. You can not (and should not try) do it for him (even if it is 'to make things less expensive'). You are no longer responsible for accepting the consequences of his actions.
Hire your attorney. The process then takes care of itself. You are beginning a new phase of your life. Work on getting your attorney the information he/she requests from you. Your lawyer will contact his lawyer to get the information he is REQUIRED to produce. Your lawyer is your stress-buffer/shield. Your lawyer is expensive; your sanity is worth it.
Validating
Submitted by Megs27 on
He continues to text me long texts saying how "cold" I am for doing this, and in the same text saying how he is so "confused why this can't be fixed". We've been together for over a decade (married for 9 years) so naturally I have started to question if I am being too harsh, and if he does 'finally get it this time' (my gut and brain both say no). Thank you for the validation. I am no longer responsible for accepting the consequences of his actions. I'm going to write this on a sticky note and let it be my mantra the next few months.
Another sticky note
Submitted by adhd32 on
It is not my job to fix everything that is wrong.
If he wants to fix things, ask him what is HIS plan and what actions HE intends to take. Likely you will be met with the deer in headlights look on his face and silence.
LOL we've had this conversation many times
Submitted by Megs27 on
His response goes one of 3 ways:
1. Shut down completely and walk out of the room engulfed in shame (which I have empathy for and have even tried to sooth him in the past and try to pull him out of this state---no more. It is not my job to fix everything that is wrong.)
2. Explode in anger and blame me for his actions (Sometimes I argue back with facts. Sometimes I simply say "You are responsible for your actions. Deflecting the blame is abuse." and walk away.)
3. Tell me he is going to try harder (I've explained that trying won't fix it, and he needs to do differently. I've given him advice, books, videos, offered to help him build an action plan, etc. etc. etc........no more. It is not my job to fix everything that is wrong. Thank you.)
Yes!
Submitted by Exhausting on
Yes @Megs27 I had a similar conversation last night. After flagging in June last year that we needed to separate we are going around and around and around in circles. This is probably my fault to some degree as I am "gun shy" now and am at the point that I can't discuss what needs to be discussed for fear of the screaming, ranting, throwing things/tantrums, twisting things, blaming etc etc .. to the point that if I don't retreat it will just go on and on and on ad nauseum with no resolution. Last night, the conversation started with H saying "if we are going to stay together let's talk about what we need to spend to finish the house so we can get planning on our travelling". W T F??!! I am already sleeping in the spare room which really should be enough of a hint. He truly has not been listening or is so crippled by the thought of tackling life without his crutch (me) and is just hoping it will all go away. He also wants to re-mortgage the house to pay for yet more financial stress. Honestly how exasperating can a situation be?!!!!!
Very exasperating
Submitted by Megs27 on
Your situation sounds familiar to mine, and it is so exasperating!!
I'm not sure if yours is like this, but my husband has never really had to face consequences in his life--seriously his parents, friends, or I have bailed him out every time and he is now 48. Gabor Mate's book about ADHD talks about a childhood environment of chaos and no consequences contributing to ADHD (in addition to genetics). When I first heard this, I was skeptical but over the last 6 months it's starting to make a lot of sense.
This confusion over the divorce "coming out of nowhere" probably has to do with a lack of consequences previously, mixed with no concern about consequences because they are in the "not now", and a solid dose of just not listening. All I know is that I have never felt more like his parent than I do now starting the divorce process. Sending hugs. Hang in there.
Megs27, thank you for your
Submitted by Exhausting on
Megs27, thank you for your support. You have articulated it perfectly. Thank you also for the reference to Gabor Mate's book. I will seek it out!
Sending hugs to you too.
"Blindsided"
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
"Blindsided" is the term my ex-husband (together for 20 years) used to describe his reaction when I filed for divorce. He honestly didn't see it coming which is kind of ridiculous. Considering how miserable I was and how abusive he was to me. My ex did not have ADHD. He certainly did not pay attention or listen when I shared anything so he probably was surprised.
Directly in front of him
Submitted by Megs27 on
I genuinely don't understand this reaction. If you ignore a living thing (a plant for example) for years it will die. Relationships are even more of an obvious extension to this because the living thing can tell you how they are feeling (i.e. need water--dying) ..... So sad.
You are the Support System. Period.
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
For the ADHDer you are the support system that allows him to function day-to-day. Your function is to support him. Your 'want and cares' are irrelevant and unacknowledged year after year. That is what actually happens. Most of the rest of the discussion is excuses why that is not really the case. You've lived it for years (as have many of we), what do you say?