My husband and I have been married for 13 years and we have 2 kids (ages 11 and 3). My husband was diagnosed with ADHD last summer at the age of 36. He was prescribed medication which he took for about 6 months, then abruptly stopped taking it and said he didn't like the way it made him feel. His screen usage has always been a major issue throughout our relationship. When we first met it was video games. He would play every day for hours and hours. Over the years it has morphed to other things, but now he spends most of his free time on online gambling sites buying and selling sports cards. He is an admin in many of the sites and he is literally glued to his phone monitoring the activities of these sites. We have had countless conversations about his screen usage, especially during the limited time we have during the day with our kids (we both work full-time). I frequently have to ask him to get off of his phone during meals or while the kids are trying to talk to us or seek our attention. Not only do I feel his usage is excessive, but I also don't feel he is setting a good example for our children. Our daughter is also diagnosed with ADHD and I want her to be able to regulate her own screen usage when she is an adult. My husband does not see any problems with his actions and every time I try to talk to him about it he always justifies it in some way or it turns into an argument. I am tired of feeling like I come second to a cell phone. Has anyone had any success dealing with this specific issue in their relationship and how did you solve it? We have tried establishing time limits or keeping certain times of the day "screen free" but it never works for long.
ADHD and screen addiction
Submitted by Heather04468 on 03/01/2023.
Setting Boundaries
Submitted by m2d on
Hello, I feel for your situation with a pre-teen and three-year-old. Unfortunately, you cannot train your husband, but you CAN train the kids, and you will need to do it on your own.
Gambling online is a severe red flag. You need to start acting now to protect yourself financially:
1. Get your credit report (lots of banks will give it to you for free).
2. Be sure you look through ALL your credit card statements.
3. Be sure your husband has no credit cards you don't know about. You can check for this.
4. Get your name off any joint credit cards. If you have to close the accounts do it.
5. Separate all your finances. For example, get your own checking account in your name only.
These are all first steps, but you may need to do more.
I highly recommend you do these things first and then talk to your husband. After that, you should probably try a counselor but be sure it is someone trained in addiction and ADHD.
It may sound like I am being alarmist, but I have been in your shoes. You are in trouble.
Wishing you the best ---
SAME HERE ON THE SCREEN TIME
Submitted by kosty on
My husband has ADHD, but is in denial about it, that is a whole another conversation, but his screen time is crazy, too. He comes home from work and immediately gets on his phone, this used to drive me crazy, now I have accepted it, knowing it is part of the ADHD, and the way his brain works. We don't have kids, but when we sit down to watch TV he will sometimes pick up his phone to Google search. I have talked to him about it too, as he would be on his phone, and then say I missed that what did they say. I told him sorry if you can't put your phone down and watch the show I'm not going to repeat things, most of the time he puts it down, but the times he doesn't and says what happened I either ignore him or say sorry I'm not repeating anything, please put your phone down.
Unfortunately we do come second to a lot that goes on with ADHD, but maybe just say well I know I can't change him, but I can show my daughter that there are boundaries with the screen time.
If/Then boundries
Submitted by adhd32 on
You need to have boundaries with immediate consequences. If it is mealtime then no phones allowed at the table and no TV or other distractions. We have a family rule of no phones at the table while dining, including guests in our home and when out in restaurants. No one has been offended except my H. Phones stay in the car if H can't have self control. Often dinner is the only time a family sits down face to face. Sad that your kids early memories will be of a Dad who ignored their childhood because he was too busy paying attention to things that don't really matter. My H hyperfocused on other things and now has a superficial relationship with our grown kids. Our D recently admitted to me that she has no personal connection to H other than genetics because he never took an interest in one thing that was important to her throughout her life. He never took the kids anywhere on his own for a movie or an adventure because his focus was on himself and he didn't like doing anything else. No watching them in sports, no open school nights, no driving carpool, no shooting hoops, no teaching bike riding or driving,. Your kids are watching and internalizing everything he does and doesn't do. You can make excuses but they will eventually form their own opinions based on their own experiences. Do not try and explain away his lack of engagement with the family. He owns his behavior, you cannot make him change.