Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on 06/20/2022.
Hi, new here as I'm trying to salvage my relationship! Is there any point reading the book?
I'm not sure I can cope with something else telling me that I need to adapt and change *my* non-ADHD behaviour. I need good constructive advice about whether a relationship is is possible and to still feel like myself and not that I'm constantly compromising who I am & what I believe!
thanks!
Worth reading
Submitted by adhd32 on
It is a good read as a reference book. You will see your relationship on every page. Will it help? Probably not unless your ADD partner is willing to read it and work on the problems. Since you state that you (rather than we) are trying to salvage the relationship I'm not sure it will change anything. There are lots of ideas that would work with an engaged and willing partner, unfortunately many won't acknowledge their ADD much less read a book and engage with their partner to improve their relationship. There are also many admonishments about the Non's behavior and many tips that could help improve the relationship IF the ADDer is all in but, let's be real, most here have tried most things (soft openings, quiet room, chore chart, google calendars, text reminders, etc) and have given up all while ADDer coasts along unfazed back in their ADD zone.
Accepting that they are happy with the chaos and won't change is really the first step in making a decision for your future. ADD spouse might change to get you to stop talking but in my experience change is short-lived. Some here advocate for peace by living and let live and they make their life about themselves with single activities and vacations alone. I cannot abide by this as I did not sign on to a life of singleness only to be a thought in his head when amorous thoughts cross his mind or he can't find his keys, phone, wallet or he is looking to offload on me the disrespect he felt after someone dared to cut him off in traffic.
If you know he won't be interested in doing any work to mend the relationship and digs in his heals to stay the same, or is perfectly happy being oblivious to the ADD fallout and says you are the one with the problem, no book or YouTube video will ever make him change his mind.
ADHD Effecton on Marriage
Submitted by KDBug68 on
I am here trying to salvage too. I am the non-ADHD partner and I'm do the reading, taking the courses and my spouse is doing nothing. I found that reading the book is an incredible insight into our lives, feels like someone watched our 35 year marriage and then wrote a book about it. Having said that, it's not easy to read, because I end up feeling like I've wasted my time with him, but it ends each chapter with insight into what to do, how to behave, how to approach your spouse.
I believe, that the relationship is worth salvaging still. So I'm willing to do the work, I guess it's up to you. I can tell you I'm seriously defeated by this whole process, but remind myself DAILY, I'm dealing with his symptoms, not with him. When he gets the help he needs,. it could be a completely different more partnered marriage.
Partner diagnosed?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Has your partner been diagnosed? If not, an evaluation is a good place to start. If your partner has been diagnosed, has s/he set target symptoms and researched all of the various options to better manage those specific target symptoms? One good resource could be my free e-book, that you can download from the home page.
People often find The ADHD Effect on Marriage reassuring, however no pressure to read it at all. One of the reasons that people probably suggest you work on your own issues is that you have no control over your partner's issues. You could have, however, influence. Generally, that only comes either at a deep crisis point or when your partner has fully accepted that the ADHD is an issue that deserves attention.
Hello
Submitted by mutedsonos on
I have not read the book either (yet) and unsure, if like you i want to read something that tells me how i should change to accommodate the ADHD behaviour. But happy to be proved wrong and I do appreciate there needs to be a level of compromise to live with an ADHD spouse - for example I try not to let the little things bother/wind me up. Somethings are not worth an argument such as forgetting to close drawers, not doing household chores we are meant to share etc.
Would be useful to know how long have you been married, is your spouse medicated, what challenges you're having etc? No doubt they will be all the same things we all experience so are well placed to give helpful advice.
just a thought
Submitted by MATTHD on
I think Melissa's info and educating yourself as such can prepare you to be a bit more stoic and not make a bad situation worse--- if you stop expecting the annoying, unregulated, and destabilizing ADHD behaviors to change, you can at least not hold resentments about them.
I read Melissa's book and a few others. My ex-wife has ADHD - began taking medication AFTER we separated; almost to rub it in my face that she wouldn't do it if I wanted her to (i believe oppositionality is a common symptom).
I think that if I had to do it over, I would definitely have been better-equipped I would have liked to exemplify better boundaries and simply take away my attention if I didn't like the behavior I was getting from her. There was a mind-numbing lack of self-awareness on her part, and I didn't help the situation by letting her off the hook by turning into her critical parent with lectures and control. I made it worse (the RSD).
I think our whole marriage was exemplified in the following exchange:
After trying to get her to empathize with me and put herself in my shoes without her stonewalling, rolling eyes, parroting, defending, blaming, I finally ask, "Look, all I'm asking for is non-defensiveness".
Without missing a beat, she responds, "I'm not being defensive!". Not a hint of irony. No idea that she was actually just continuing unbridled defensiveness.
I checked around me to see if I was being punked on a reality show, but alas, this was my life.
Question about reading the book The ADHD Effect on Marriage
Submitted by MHRHAYW on
I am new to this site as well. I bought the book a week ago and can't put it down. I felt a sense of relief that others are experiencing what I am AND the frustrations my wife has been uttering for years now. To put a name to it and know that someone else has this and has found some ways to navigate and improve their marriage is giving me hope. If I can get my wife to read this as well and understand - we can hopefully improve our marriage. My thoughts in response to your question. I wish you the best.
Hope.
Submitted by Nielsontc on
Hey I really hope there is hope. I have been through 3 years of counseling, medication, and personal growth. I now live in an apartment away from my wife. Life sucks, but I feel my ADHD isn't the cause. I am naturally a yes man. This has taken a toll on my life to the point of not having any backbone, not knowing what I want, and being an insecure person. The best thing I have learned from counseling. Is that we all need to own our problems. Trying to change someone because you don't like their Behavior does not work. Gon on uncheck long enough turns into a toxic abusive cycle. If you are looking to be what your ex wants you to be for her things will get worse. If your desire for change is only to make her happy, keep her around, or prove someone wrong things will only get worse. Not only will your feel abused by your ex. You could be abusing them. It is better to agree you dont match and move on. I stayed. and after 3 year I can honestly say I went into it for all the wrong reasons. Unprepared. I hurt myself deeply but I also destroyed my wife and kids by only seeking to please her and not being open to my self and what I wanted. ADHD is manageable but if you significant other is trying to change you and your change is only because thats what they want. You are opening a door to pain, regret, and depression. This will not only happen to you but to your partner as well. I have hope for mine..... but every day I realize that hope is fear of being alone. It is best to be yourself, if they dont like that, or want to change it. You will always hold some sort of resentment which leads to instancy killing. Love the past but dont live in it. Honer what has happened and follow your heart. ADHD will not take that away from you.