This is my first time posting literally on any forum. As you can assume, I am completely overwhelmed and I just need some perspective, experiences, someone to tell me they understand. My husband recently started Adderall 15 mg. This is after years of me urging him to get an evaluation. He did and it is a relief. It's been 1.5 months and he says he doesn't feel any difference. I do, slightly. He's less scattered and he doesn't completely ignore me when I express how I feel. There's improvement. I'm just so worried that it's too late or we will uncover even more problems when we start counseling. It's all so exhausting. For both of us.
I recently started Journaling again because I feel like I'm going to explode/implode on a daily basis. It has been helpful in sorting out my feelings. Today, while journaling I think I realized that my husband is reliant/enmeshed with his mother. She doubts he has ADHD and I think he clings to that. He tells me he believes he has ADHD, I just worry that she is such an influence on him. Anyway, he always seems to put his mother first. If he's been at work all day, then driving around or doing errands all evening, he will come home to call her as his first priority. This isnt a daily thing, but it always happens when there's downtime or when we are hanging out as a family. I ask as him to sit and hang out with me, but of course he literally cannot understand why he'd do that. She's been his "go-to" person his whole life. I think she enabled him to be so dependent on her. She's very involved with our lives and I don't like it. Has anyone else dealt with this with their ADHD-spouse? Sorry if this is scattered.
Oh I feel your pain my friend
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Oh I feel your pain my friend. I am so glad you are journaling again, and I have to tell you this forum has been IMMENSELY helpful for my own situation.
My husband adores his mom - believe me this is a good thing in my situation, she is an angel !!!! But one time, I asked him to kiss me.... he told me he had to go call his mother. I was completely dumbfounded... WHO DOES THAT! Seriously!
I just wanted to give you a chuckle - even though its really crappy - if that were on a sitcom it would be hilarious!
*I will respond more in a bit - but need to take care of some things - just didnt want you to think I was being flippant about your post. :-)
No worries :)
Submitted by Della22 on
Thank you for the quick reply! This made me feel better after thinking about this all day, haha. That would seriously make me so frustrated, omg. Its so amazing to find a forum like this with all these different experiences & perspectives.
Ok - so... enabling mothers..
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Ok - so... enabling mothers.... oh boy. That can be a very difficult thing to tackle. My mother in law has enabled my husband for many years, but she is now at the point where she is done with it. (at least what she has said to me). She loves her son immensely. She would go to the moon and back for him, and really - she has. She is an AMAZING mother to him, and had helped him in ways that most parents would not after a certain point. Her story is a little different in that she didn't raise my H. She has her own issues dealing with guilt (unfounded) from leaving him with people who repeatedly sexually abused him. He daughter committed suicide because of all the abuse - where she could not retreat inside, my H did. The whole situation is heartbreaking, and if I could wish for anything in the world it would be to prevent all of this from happening, or at least stop his sister from doing what she did. I never got to know her, but I feel her loss as if she were my own sister. I like to think of her as a guardian angel watching over all of us. Anyway - the family dynamics are very unusual. My step daughter also lives with her grandmother - because my H was really not able to take the care of her she deserved. I had hoped she would eventually come live with us, but she is very happy where she is at, and she is really doing well and in a great environment. She knows her father loves her and is there for her ANY time she needs. I think he could do more, and I do think that he needs to step up now - ESPECIALLY now as she is in her teen years. But I cannot speak about it with out causing problems.
SO- giving you the breakdown. My husband, always has looked to his mother for help, and she has always helped him. I think this harmed him some, as he was not forced to face his own irresponsibility. You should not go buy a brand new computer when you cant pay your electric bill. You should not be buying cigarettes if you have to borrow 20 from your mom for food. Things that don't register for my husband. When I came into the picture, he treated me very poorly until he lost his job - and his mother could not completely float his lifestyle. SO.... he turned to me, and in a very idiotic move - I supported him and suddenly he was very interested in me and being my boyfriend. Eventually I moved in with him, and he didn't work for a couple of years. We went through some addiction issues (Warcraft, pain pills - over the counter, porn, etc) and then I had a very significant death in the family as well. It was rough times. We got married after dating for 2 years. Have been married for 5. I have replaced his mother as far as enabling save for 1 time when he caused our account to go over, and he had to ask his mom for help. He had the good sense to not tell me until AFTER he fixed everything.
I think that the problem that many parents have (and I cannot speak about yours - only my experience) especially of my *my* generation (and i am 41) is that they would literally do anything to keep their kids from failing - when failing is exactly what they NEED to do. While my H experienced horrific abuse from one part of the family - at the same time he was completely spoiled on the other. He has no "normal" functionality experience to reach to to understand how to act and function normally in a "NORMAL RELATIONSHIP". He has never had a relationship longer than with me (he is 43), has had many failed relationships (1 divorce, 1 failed engagement, was very promiscuous in his youth). I feel this is because of him being enabled by everyone around him. His mother (who has seen it for what it is, and bless her - does her best to let him do his own thing), his friends who he lives with on and off, to me - his wife who has been the worst of all as I have lived with it first hand and probably suffered most because of it.
There really isn't anything you can do with out risk of conflict and allot of potential fighting etc. But if your inlaws can see how they are enabling your husband, then they can try to work on those tendencies and let your H find his own way, make his own mind up, and for gods sake - his mother should point out to him that his WIFE should be the first priority - NOT HER. To me, this is something you probably need to address with him in a way that expresses how it feels to you. But.... and I hate to say this.... more than likely this is not something that will change overnight - if ever. Be ready to decide your boundaries and STICK WITH THEM. If its not OK with you, then you need to figure out just how not OK you are about it. You need to decide to you at what point you are going to take a stand and stick with it.
I think you will find that most folks here will tell you to forget about dealing with him and focus on yourself, and that is the honest to god truth. Give him the chance to address it and if he doesn't - then walk away from it, focus on yourself and determine what YOU are ok with.
Wow, your husband certainly
Submitted by Della22 on
Wow, your husband certainly has gone through hard times. It's hard to know all of that and be a part of it to only realize it isn't working. Such a difficult thing to navigate.
It's funny you mention that I need to focus on myself, and not him. I've made this realization in the last 48 hrs. It's been 8+ years of me "helping" him and trying to get him to see things from my perspective. I'm really done with that. Done asking when he will be home, where did he go? (He disappears randomly), trying to get him to go to bed before 6 am, etc.
I agree that this won't change overnight or quickly at all. He likes to downplay and blame all the stuff I read online for how I'm feeling. I mean, that's true but it doesn't make how I'm feeling any less valid. It's just a way for him to defend, distract, and escape the conversation. I'm hoping for some big realizations on his part when we start counseling. But other than that, I've realized that I'm tapped out and it's up to him. Makes me sad that we can't be a team. And the future is just so unclear. I hate it.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You've really helped me :) I know this place will be a safe place for me as I move forward.
I've been divorced since May
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I've been divorced since May 2016. A very big factor in my marriage falling apart was that my ex-husband (ex-h) put his parents at much higher priority than me. His parents are very old and ill and ex-h decided to become their caregiver, which makes some sense. But I think that even people who are full-time caregivers can maintain a good relationship with a spouse, if they choose to do so. Ex-h didn't. I'll give you two examples. He started spending half of every week at his parents' home (150 miles away) in September 2009, the day after our younger child started college. He rarely called or emailed me. By "rarely," I mean perhaps once per month. But when he was at our home the other half of the week, he'd talk to his dad on the phone every night. Ex-h can't claim he didn't know that the lack of communication bothered me. I told him, several times. He'd say, "Oh, do you mean you'd like it if I called you?" And I'd say yes. And then nothing would change. The other example, also very significant for me, is that he agreed to be paid in cash for his caregiving services, even though I requested several times that he get paid by check. He told me that his dad paid him in cash so as to keep the arrangement under the table. Being honest and ethical is important to me but not to his dad, and ex-h did what his dad wanted.
This is my fear. I just
Submitted by Della22 on
This is my fear. I just really hope he is able to see this from my side. I haven't brought it up with him yet because I need to find the right way to say it so he doesn't get irritated or dismissive. It's crazy because it's only recently that I have even put the pieces together that he puts them above me. I think it's because he claims he doesn't. I believed him and chose to ignore his actions, I guess. But it's clear to me now. And I won't let him gaslight me into thinking it isn't an issue. I'm just going to lay out my boundaries and hope for the best. I lose either way so I have nothing left but to preserve my sanity.
Might I suggest a trick I use
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Might I suggest a trick I use myself? When I have to have a conversation with someone - I will literally write everything out - like I am writing a letter to that person. I will read it and refine it until I think it makes sense, and where there are easy points to present. The person I was going to talk to never sees that letter, or the corrections and changes etc. But they do get a "better" version of what I am trying to say - especially if it is an emotional discussion.
I find it very helpful to really figure out WHATS bothering, and find a good way to express it.
You could even just READ a letter to him - that way you can focus on controlling your tone and not the words. Make sense?
I Think This is A Great Idea Stacey
Submitted by kellyj on
I've found that's what journaling here does for me too. I'm not searching for the words....and all my screw ups are what you see. LOL It's a good idea to have it practiced ahead of time anyway especially having ADHD.
J