I am reading one of Melissa Orlov's books; I am brand new to this forum and would greatly appreciate any advice you might have for me. My husband (w/ ADHD) and I have been together for a year and a half, but we grew up together, so I've known him most of my life. I am completely in love with him and always have been. He is brilliant, loving, and my best friend. I am a teacher and the sole breadwinner.
My husband was laid off a few years ago and had a lot of money saved at the time but has since lost it in the stock market. He does teach yoga and does other part-time jobs occasionally for money--but for the most part, I pay for everything, including his cell phone and car insurance. Money is our worst issue because every time I bring it up, he gets furious, and we end up in an awful fight. He is a very combative person, and I am conflict avoidant.
I decided to take this summer off and not teach summer school, so our problems have really escalated because we are together ALL THE TIME. Lately he has been manic (he has Bipolar II as well), and he talks at me constantly. I say "at me" rather than "to me" because these are monologues. He never pauses for me to respond, and he is unable to read my body language. If I get up to go to the bathroom, he follows me, still talking. I am a writer, and I have designated writing time with my office door closed, but he will just open it and start reading something to me, for example, with no regard for what I am doing. I never get any peace, and I feel like I am suffocating.
I would like to go out of town this weekend with my brother and his family to relax by the lake for a couple of days. I haven't had a vacation in a long time. I have to teach seven classes in the regular semesters (I teach at a community college) in order to pay all of our bills, so I am exhausted. My husband feels abandoned when I leave town without him, but he is dog-sitting this weekend, so he would not be able to come with me anyway. The truth is I just really need a break from him. I went to the beach last summer with my family, and it really rejuvenated me and our relationship (but there was a lot of drama due to his feelings of being abandoned).
What do you think the best way would be for me to go on this weekend road trip without hurting his feelings? How should I broach the subject?
Be kind, yet don't let your choices be based on his disapproval
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Maya19,
I suggest you pick a time of day when he is not tired or hungry, and appears content, then have a discussion with him. Share your plan to go, explain why, and then go.
It is always nice to be kind and considerate, and communicate in a truthful positive manner. It really is not up to you to make sure his feelings don't get hurt. I understand you want to be cautious. . . . .and in my experience, that eggshell walking gets real old.
Feeling guilty by thinking your choice will cause drama is not good. Choosing direct, kind, communicative words are what is important. How he responds is how he responds.
My own experience was sorta the opposite. There are things my spouse enjoys - especially an annual weekend camping at a local drag-way. I like racing - if our son or someone I know is entered in the racing. Even then, the non-stop noise just turns into aggravation for me. So I do not attend. I believe I finally got my spouse to understand why I chose not to attend. Plus, having the house, TV, and everything to myself for a weekend was quite grand, too.
Very Truly,
Liz
Clear, kind communication and
Submitted by dvance on
Clear, kind communication and then let it go. He is an adult and should be able to handle being on his own for a few days despite his issues. You taking a weekend alone does not equal abandoning him. As long as you are clear and kind, you are not hurting his feelings in any way. Take the weekend. You deserve it.
The symptoms are eerily
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
The symptoms are eerily similar. Although my H is now retired after working about 35 years, much of what you wrote is very similar.
One of H's therapists suggested a type of bi-polar as well.
I, too, LOVE to get away...and I do so. I do NOT say that I need to get away from him....even tho that's what I'm doing. These types seem to have their feelings hurt easily...and it makes them very angry.
Just say that you want to go visit your brother, and do so.
(I suggest that your H find a real job. Some of his anger would dissipate if he was earning his fair share.
You seem to be working around your husband....
Submitted by c ur self on
I suggest you print out this post and give it to him; He is important to you isn't he? And you are important to you also, and you should be....You both deserve for him to know how you feel....No sustainable progress can be made without tackling reality....If you have fear of his reaction you might want to reveal your true feelings in front of a counselor. When one or both spouses have a fear of open and honest and communication. Or if denial is present it's time to get some wise counsel....It usually doesn't get better on it's own.
I can agree w/ the other poster's concerning his needing to have a job, etc...But his unemployment, and attitude are just symptoms of deeper problems...
C