Many people, I'd almost say most, people misuse or don't understand the true meaning of attitude. I see so many people take and make statements that include the term "attitude" and they are very much out of context with the word
I build and fly model airplanes. Being an aircraft pilot of any sort really teaches you the true definition of attitude. (Not to be confused with altitude) Lola!!!
Attitude is not a feeling or a belief. It is not a display of any type of feeling. It is certainly not a look on someone's face after hearing or seeing something. It is not behavior. The thug telling a policeman to kiss something does not necessarily have a bad attitude.
There needs to be a word for those descriptions but I'm at a loss on that.
ATTITUDE: is quite simply your position relative to your surroundings. This position can be perceived or actual. Perceived is where I think people confuse it with a feeling but still it is just your place in reference to everything else around you.
Controlling your attitude or the ability to control it is a very powerful thing. But again, it is not a feeling or a look. It is your place in relation to everything else.
Make this place positive and you will FEEL good. Make this "relative position" negative and ill feelings, anger, guilt, sorrow, and generally bad things will surround you.
I wish for more people to understand that simple truth. Understand the TRUE meaning of ATTITUDE and many doors open up in your mind.
Everyone should fly an airplane once in their life.
Good point about attitude, in
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Good point about attitude, in that context, making that a good and positive place will certainly be reflected elsewhere.
That perception is a very important thing too. My H's verbal and physical queues towards me are almost all negative. When they arent - it can be very disorienting and shocking almost! LOL. Even when he says he is not negative - his rolling the eyes, and very annoyed tone tell a different story.
I think there also has to be a connection between those behaviors AND the positioning - and I feel that in my H's case, he has some major problems with disassociation and detachment - he cant get the two to line up. This has been a near constant source of frustration and pain for us. (If he would only do the work recommended by his therapist this symptom could be resolved.... )
I Agree Stacey
Submitted by kellyj on
And that eye roll thing? That's contempt. It's a really bad sign and one that should not be ignored. It's worse as been researched and concluded with lots of studies on this...than saying "Fuck You"...which is actually how they determined it. They did a side by side comparison of brain fluctuations, body response etc...too both. Eye rolling....says a lot and this is worse....than saying "Fuck You" but mostly we miss that...and think saying "Fuck You" is worse. One might be anger....the other one is contempt. Contempt is by far a worse attitude...than just an angry one for possibly a reason.
Contempt is not excusable and there's no call for it what so ever. Anger might be saying "Fuck You"....and it could be for anything and everything ( frustration, inability to cope, disrepair and giving up, disapproval, anger...etc ) and is not necessarily contempt...as spoken word only by itself.
There's also a difference between impatience being part of impulsiveness due to ADHD....compared impatience as a form of anger and contempt as well.
Two different animals and it's good to know the difference between the two. Impatience with eye rolling....pretty much tells you what you are seeing.
J
J - wow, yeah. Contempt is a
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
J - wow, yeah. Contempt is a great word to describe it. I feel it in my interactions with my H. That certainly helps me understand alot.
Sucks when the one you love more than anyone in the world looks at you and rolls their eyes like that. Contempt. Scary accurate to describe how it makes me feel.
LOL
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Oh Yes...... Va
Submitted by kellyj on
The other day when I was responding to you and I apologized to you recently....came from knowing this....and then in an around that same time...my wife pointed out that I had just rolled my eyes with her. She didn't know any of what I just said.....but she saw it the same and felt something she didn't like.
I rarely eye roll ....in fact....almost never. This told me where I was...and told me I needed to do something about it. I knew exactly what it meant (as I just said) and read that in my wife many times the same way. She does without knowing she does but not too often...probably the same as with me. Once she said it...I stopped and looked hard at myself and it was there for sure...and coming through unconsciously.
(again...sorry for that one....I was having a moment lol ) And the thing is....I have moments...but they don't last or stay that way very long but I'm always watching for these things especially when the other person isn't saying so out loud. Eyes....are the best way to see what is not being said sometimes:)
It was good to know this ahead of time and it works both ways. What it told me was exactly right. I had reached a point where I was now getting too fed up to deal with the situation correctly. Something needed to change...and in this case it was me.
J
Man J - that is really good
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Man J - that is really good of you - and really introspective and mature. You were able to see an issue your wife pointed out to you - and not get defensive, not jump into "I am a failure, I am broken" and really examine the actualy problem - you rolling your eyes, and WHY you did it. Then you fixed it and made an effort to not do it again.
I will give my H this - for a while there, he was really concious of his actions and demeanor to me. And it was amazing. There were times that he he could recognize and I would not even say anything that he was being a jerk! And he would come to me an apologize and aknoweledge it. And you know what? BOOM - that disarmed me and it would be dropped and we could go back to happy go lucky good day again. Things like that are so good natured, and so introspective of one's self. It inspired me to look deep to my reactions and see where I could improve. Of course - that all stopped... once he gave up again. I guess maybe for me thats the hardest. He likes to say he is incapable of being a good husband - but the fact is- he has been on MANY times a GREAT husband - not just good. He has some challenges, but when he meets them head on, and he keeps that "attitude" in check (his postion like you defined) he is a dream come true. Even WITH the other issues. He doesnt see it though - he only sees the failure and thinks he cant anymore because he messes up. EVERYONE messes up. No one is imune. No one is perfect - but he is above all else a perfectionist. And no one, including himself can live up to that.
Keep doing that J. Its an amazing thing. I hope that my H will one day find it in him to become that introspective and learn that just because you fail once - doesnt mean you just give up. It means you learn from it - and try again. And you accept that life and YOU will never ever be perfect. But you must keep going and you cannot hide. Hiding works when you are a kid - but it is death when you are an adult.
Stacey.....Going Into My Relationship
Submitted by kellyj on
I didn't have this attitude at all where I immediately "get defensive, not jump into "I am a failure, I am broken"
Even with knowing what little I knew of ADHD....I don't see things as "Broken" in terms that they are "unrepairable".
I'm a fixer....I repair what's broken. It's what I do. But I can see things that are not worth trying to fix and don't waste my time on trying as long I can see what the problem is.
I really don't care if someone says that ADHD is caused by something "broken" in your brain. It has no effect on the way I see myself and changes nothing in how I see. Who cares? I don't.
But understanding exactly "why" it's not from something be broken in our brains is good to know. It's NOT broken technically speaking. It's different...but our brains are fully functioning the same as yours or anyone elses. There is a cause for the difference....but nothing is broken.
The only thing that's broken can be your heart and your spirit. Those things...you can't fix for another person as I was saying what is in my power to "fix."
But as a "fixer"....I understand the problem and know immediately to find the source of what needs to be repaired. Putting a band aid on it....is not going take care of the problem long term. Repairing is different....than "fixing".
You can repair a tire...with a nail in...by squirting some flat tire fixer in it to get you to the next service station. But if the hole is too big to be repaired...the tire needs to be replaced. If the hole is repairable...you can patch it permanently from inside and you've fixed the problem long term and don't need a new tire.
Knowing the difference...but first pin pointing the problem.....examine it.....and determine the right action is the first thing you need to do.
Is a patched tire fixed permanently? Yes. No new tire is needed.
Is a tire with a nail in it that you squirt tire flat "fixer" inside of it...and holds air long enough to get down the rode for 50 miles....repaired. No. It's not fixed....it's a band aid to get you only so far and then something else will be needed.
You can't change tires and replace it with a new one having ADHD....but it can be repaired with a patch (as a permanent "fix") in the same terms having ADHD.
This is how I see it so it doesn't matter what word you use to me.
So no.....I don't do this and haven't with my wife. These things don't effect me much...but I still feel it just the same at times to a lessor degree. But I know what I'm feeling and I know what my feelings are. That doesn't mean I react to it or do anything even when I do.
I begun to see the pattern in my wife's thinking here too. She uses words like..."damaged"....or..."it's broken"...when all it needs is to be cleaned or repaired. If anything shows any signs of wear and tear or being used or dirty......it's broken and needs to be thrown away and we need a new one.
I'm really handy and fast at doing things like this and can pretty quickly get to it...repair it or do what ever and send it on it's merry way. It's what I do and have done for a living so my skills and experience as a repairman...are extremely diverse. My shop is full of tools and materials...ready for any occasion and this can be done with no lingering involved (unfinished projects)
But my wife will see something and immediately say we need a new one. I'll have it done and repaired before she gets back from work sometimes. She sees things on the surface this way....by how it "looks" or appears sometimes....and I can make it look like new or better before she can even bat an eye sometimes.
She'll say..." I would never have the patience to do that."...which is common thing for people to say about some of the work I do. Patience is only required...if you don't know what you're doing or know how to do it. Once you know how....it's just a matter of doing it. It will take as long as it takes....but patience is not at issue.
Like kids on a road trip and you tell them it will take 2 hours to get there. "Are we there yet???"
"The answer is the same as it was 5 minutes ago.....- 5 minutes." LOL
J
J - I am really glad you dont
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
J - I am really glad you dont see having ADHD as being broken. You most certainly ARE NOT BROKEN. You are wired different - simple as that. And because of that, you make accommodations in your cognitive behavior and maybe you need to work harder at understanding and getting others to understand you. But if you do the work - all is well.
I bet your ADHD also enhances many of your talents, allows you to do things naturally that I would have to "make accommodations in my cognitive behavior, and work hard to understand the people involved etc.
I am not trying to make little of the reality of the ADHD tendencies - but like you, I dont see it as a broken issue. I like to think of it as having a race car engine under the hood. You gotta drive it a little differently than you would an average sedan. There are somethings that race cars dont do very well - but if the driver can CONTROL it - WOW what a ride.
My husbands defeat I think comes from CSA issues, but I think the ADHD tendencies cause him problems in managing both the CSA impact AND dealing with life and people in general.
Man - you should see him when he is in control, and driving that race car well. Its a beautiful thing. All his natural talents come out. He almost cant help but win. Its incredible to watch. He walks into a room with a presence that cannot be described. He has control of that laser focus and is able to analyze and see things so fast - like lightening! I wish you could see him when he is commanding an army in the field when he is doing his medeival fighting. WOW its incredible. All of that comes out when he is in control - his ADHD tendencies suddenly all line up and align in frequency. The difference between an electric shock coming out of an uncontrolled outlet to a powerful gleaming red lightsaber. All that makes him amazing just seeps out of his pores. I love that so much. I miss that so much. He basically OWNS anything he puts his mind to when he was in control. Back in that period before he crashed.... I literally was wondering if there was ANYTHING that could stop him. Honestly - the only thing that could was himself. And he did. :-(
CSA Good Case in Point
Submitted by kellyj on
For my wife....there is more than one thing going on. CSA is just one that I'm unfamiliar with myself. Separating and pin pointing these issues out...examining them...and applying the right thing is really the only thing I've been missing. She can tell me....and she doesn't know. I learning how to apply what to what here...and that takes some time to learn and figure out.
This doesn't scare me like some other things. My therapist relieved me to know that BPD for example....was not what he saw. As he said it....you have to have all the criteria to meet that kind of diagnosis and tht criteria had not been met in his eyes. That scared the Hell out me.....but some of the symptoms do see the same from my past experience. As I have come to understand better....there are things missing there in my wife. I can clearly see what is missing and what is actually there and that points to other things and CSA is part of it.
That old girlfriend that I mentioned my T actually met and talked to. She came with me in a guise I think...not for treatment. He said the same thing to me (as he felt why she came in) As he said....a very complex and very damaged individual who was also very convincing at first....even to him.
With her...you had CSA, OCD, BPD, ASPD (maybe even ADHD as it appeared) as well as Opiate addiction which she kept hidden until it was already too late for me to do anything to prevent what happened to me.
Bottom line.....she was a covert Heroin addict ( I came to understand later) and a full blown sociopath. That's a horse of a different color. I was outta there already and in the process....but she beat me to the punch.
That was an unrepairable person....and I had no intentions of going any further with her myself. Scary.
And in terms of safety and doing things anymore that are dangerous like motorcycles or car racing anymore....I do what I'm capable of....and don't do any more than I can't keep control of. There are risks of course....but I'm not trying to prove anything. It's one thing if you're out to prove something to yourself or other people....it's another thing to keep a lid on it...and enjoy it because it's fun....keeping it within your own abilities.
Drag racing on Thursday nights with a bunch of people for fun with no money awards or trophies just to do it....is a blast and is all I need to do anymore. (when I get the chance) Last time I recall in my last race....I was paired with a family station wagon with someone who just wanted to race for fun....the same as I was. It's a pretty low risk adventure...all said and done:)
J
Rolling
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
I wish we could post images. Here you go
"Culturally speaking, though, eye-rolling is clearly one of the emotive underpinnings to contempt. In fact, the psychologist John Gottman describes eye-rolling as one of the main features among what he describes as the “four horsemen” of relationship discord. Eye-rolling is an indicator of contempt, Gottman says, and contempt is a major predictor of divorce. (The other “four horsemen,” along with contempt, include stonewalling, defensiveness, and criticism.) “And it’s something that women are more likely to do rather than something more aggressive, even yelling,” LaFrance told me." http://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/05/puhlease/482154/
Now - that image that popped
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Now - that image that popped up cracked me up! :-D
LOL!!!! Me Too
Submitted by kellyj on
That first image.....inherently made me want to smack her. lol There you go!! LOL
Boy...I should record myself watching Donald Trump speak and just look to see how my face contorts!!! LOL I could care less in terms of the election (I'm not invested either in a political sense) but if I were Chris Christie...I'd have a hard time standing there and not showing contempt. (it's Okay Chris....we do understand lol )
If it was me there standing behind him....I'd suddenly burst out laughing uncontrollably....but then again...that;'s just me. lol
Too funny
J
"My Favorite Martian" (that's a joke)
Submitted by kellyj on
Let me say first...in terms of a fixer....I share no resemblance what so ever in context.
Second...I am neither selling or promoting anything here....in context. lol
Third....John Oliver and I must have been separated at birth and somehow and he managed to have gone through some kind of worm hole in time and come out the other end so our ages only appear as if we are not directly related in some way...be we are twins and of the same mind and thinking. (and personalities too lol )
More Humor and case study...too funny. (is it further to New York....or by plane? lol )
https://youtu.be/QbV4HdYfrlo
J
Yep.....Melissa's Couple Course
Submitted by kellyj on
Was a great education in learning how to spot contempt and stonewalling. I never really gave it any attention before...but the course lessons on spotting these things has really proved to be an eye opening thing. Not just for my wife ...but for me. I've noticed this too...I really don't eye roll much at all. In general....neither does my wife. It's easy to catch when it's only on occasion since it's not the norm for either one of us. The course was an invaluable learning experience and learning to understand these things and what they mean.
I'd heard that even before taking her class about eye rolling being an indicator for divorce.(where I read about the F you part and the studies behind it ) How I react to it...is pretty much what it feels like too. I'd rather have someone say Fuck you since what is "Fuck" anyway? It's just a word with multiple meanings but mostly pretty well understood in any context that it's used. Contempt...is a whole nuther thing entirely.
Again....you can tell how that feels...and it doesn't feel good at all in any form it comes in.
J
Rolling eyes
Submitted by Toddschubert@gm... on
almost funny. I deal with the same thing from my non adhd spouse. Rolling eyes and horrible tone that she denies completely. I'll say, "there you go again with the negative shit which she demands is not negative but even if that's questionable there is still the tone in which it was said.
Controlling attitude
Submitted by Toddschubert@gm... on
While attitude is not an emotion or feeling, we can control it. Hard to do with rolling eyes going on though.
By control I mean putting yourself in a positive place no matter what's going on around you. I have kinda learned this and am getting better and better at it. Some things still set me off and I'm a screening banshee but once you understand what attitude really is and start to focus on controlling it (your place) things get better exponentially.
These learnings come from mostly eastern teachings translated by different authors. Anybody with addiction I highly recommend Chris Prentis. He has studied eastern psychological philosophy in depth and his translations are so meaningful and enlightening. Studying Enlightenment period is a good idea for anyone.
LOL I am such a screaming
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
LOL I am such a screaming banshee myself! :-)
I truely there really is something to just closing your eyes (to hide any automatic eye rolling or what might be perceived as that), taking a breath and counting to 10. :-)
Eye Rolling and Contempt
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Couples research shows that eye rolling is a form of contempt. it also happens to be one of the best predictors of divorce because of it. It may be time to calmly tell him how the action feels to you, and that it is not a neutral, nor even remotely humorous, response.
Attitude
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Behavioral researchers have done work that demonstrates that if you act a certain way you are likely to put yourself in that mindset...or attitude. For example, if you 'act' old by walking like an older person, or using a cane for a while, then you will actually start to think in ways that are closer to an older person's way of thinking. Conversely, if the attitude you take is one of gratitude towards the world around you, you are more likely to be and act positively. Hence the power of gratitude and doing gratitude journaling.
I could not agree with this
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
What Melissa Said Is Very.True
Submitted by kellyj on
In context to seeing that 13 year old girls image and wanting to smack her was only in context to what we were saying. But the reason why I felt like smacking her....is not so funny on the receiving end. This feels like exactly what it feels like. And my response while I wouldn't do it in reality...is pointing exactly to the reason why. It is a very specific form of hostility and signals not only contempt but in a very aggression and disrespectful way. Hostile with hatred....extreme prejudice...as my immediate response the other day I said it. Not to point fingers....only to point out the reasons for the way I was feeling?
I'm sure without question....that I began doing it too for the same reason without seeing that before. My signal to stop and desist immediately!!! And change that right on the spot.
This also changed immediately with both my wife and I. It is going to take some time to readjust and get my thinking in line with the rapid shift that has taken place. A week isn't long enough in my experience to expect that for myself either. Moving forward and not looking back ...positively speaking here.
Back to changing that narrative again and looking at it that way:) Lots of things happening right now...and they're all good (but paying attention at the same time too;)
J
Act "as if"
Submitted by jennalemone on
Yeah!!!!! Act "as If" you are young and happy and rich and confident! Act "as if" you like who you are and like where you are. I wish I would have known these truths when I was younger. It would have saved me much time of acting as though I was a victim, as though I had no power over my own life and feelings. Thanks Melissa.