Does anyone else feel like their ADHD partner has a hard time keeping their young children safe and not needing supervision when with them? My husband has endangered our child several times and because of him she got second degree burns on her hands when she was just a baby. I always have to be watching him and making sure he's not doing things like leaving sharp knives out on the counter where she can reach them, etc. I have had to step in several times over the past 4 years because he has done something dangerous that could result in her being seriously injured or worse. He's not even able to drive with her in the vehicle because a lot of times when we are driving with him I have to say things like STOP, it's a red light, GO it's a green light because he will be breaking, or watch the road because he has seen something that is distracting him and he's veering out of the lane. It's horribly stressful always having to be on guard when he is around so that I can make sure my child is safe. I didn't see much when googling about people with ADHD having a hard time with caring for young children because of symptoms of the condition, so I'm just wondering if anyone else experiences these issues with their partners when it comes to driving and the children or if maybe my husband has a whole separate issue aside from ADHD going on that makes it so hard for him to be mindful and aware and able to do basic child safety practices.
Child endangerment when in care of ADHD person
Submitted by Witz End on 05/29/2017.
My daughters are now adults.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My daughters are now adults. I and their father divorced one year ago. One time when the girls were little, my husband took them to a nearby beach. He was playing with one of the girls when he looked up and saw that the other was face-down in the water. Fortunately, she was fine. Maybe this was related to ADHD, maybe it wasn't. But I think it's likely that we dodged other bullets, too.
Thank you so much for sharing
Submitted by Witz End on
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I'm so glad your daughter was okay. This is exactly the thing I worry about thought. My husband gets so easily distracted by his phone or something he sees and it's like he completely forgets he's supposed to be keeping an eye on our child. It's so scary!
WitzEnd, child safety
Submitted by dedelight4 on
My daughter and I have been concerned when my husband takes my granddaughter places, because of his distractibility, and poor driving habits. We gave him instructions to always make SURE he knew where she was, and not to let her out of his sight....ever. We didn't want to make him feel irresponsible for her, but just because we KNOW how distracted he is, and is not always aware of his surroundings,, he easily misses vital things that could endanger a child, and even himself. It does get scary at times. She's a little older now, so it's easier, but when she was very young, it made us very nervous.
Also, last weekend, my granddaughter ended up with heat stroke, after being at a friends house where the friends mother has ADHD. They have a salt water swimming pool, and the mother must not have been caring for the children, and diligent about how much time they had spent in the pool, and their dehydration levels. I've met this lady, and yes, her ADHD is obvious when you met her.. She's loud, scattered, talks incessantly, and other things. She's a very NICE person, but isn't a diligent "parent', because even her older child will say, 'Mom you need to be the parent right now". Anyway, my granddaughter woke up in the middle of the night, vomiting, with a high fever, lethargic, and my daughter was scared. She called me a few hours later, and nothing had changed, and I told her about heat stroke, and to call the ER, but to make her daughter start drinking water and fluids right THEN. drink, drink, drink. She started getting a little better. (sure enough the ER also said it was heat stroke) Which is from a lot of exertion in the heat, and a lack of water causing dehydration. The salt water pool helped cause some of the dehydration, but the mother didn't make sure the kids were getting out and resting periodically, and having them drink and/or eat snacks. The whole thing scared my daughter a LOT.
This event DID give me a little insight as to how my mother-in-law must have been very lax in caring for my husband and his siblings. She wasn't "aware" of most things, and was very self focused, as well as not being a doting, or lovingly affectionate "mother'. She seemed to even not "like" her kids, very much and didn't enjoy being a mom/wife. It was weird. Also, when my husband's sister had children, my mother-in-law would only hold them for a minute or two, before she would say, 'Okay, that's enough", and give the child back. She wouldn't kiss and hug and squeeze a baby, like most grandmothers do, and her focus was always "somewhere else", and usually on herself. She did eventually get diagnosed bi-polar, but only a few years before she died, when she was being treated for Alzhiemer's.
Thank you for sharing! I
Submitted by Witz End on
Thank you for sharing! I always did the same thing when I would leave my husband alone to watch our daughter while I went out to a movie or dinner with a friend. I would tell him, pay attention to her, don't get distracted and sit there on your phone, you have to be watching her. But I also know that you can say that until your blue in the face, but if a distraction comes along they can't help but be distracted. I don't leave them alone together anymore because there have been way too many times where my daughter could have been seriously hurt or worse because of him and his inability to be aware of his surroundings and things that he is doing, things that she is doing, what seems to be carelessness in doing certain tasks, like most recently he gave her what he thought was her vitamin but instead of making sure it was her vitamin bottle he just grabbed a bottle that looked like hers and it turned out he gave her the wrong pill!!
I feel like I'm in such an awful position having to reinforce that he can't watch her alone or drive her anywhere for her own wellbeing and safety, and of course he doesn't explain to his parents the extent of the problems that lead to this unfortunate circumstance, so to them I just look like a monster. I just don't know what to do anymore.
It's nice to hear that I'm not alone though in feeling like there is real danger in having someone with adhd be responsible for a young child's life. Thanks again for sharing.
There are multiple people
Submitted by ArtGamer on
There are multiple people with ADHD in my wife's family. I don't know of any specific horror stories about child endangerment, but they have a horrible track record with their pets dying. They wouldn't notice a pet locked outside in extreme weather or if the pets' water and food ran out for days. There was a poor rabbit locked in a small cage in the back yard that somehow lived for years despite the neglect.
Food poisoning has definitely been an issue. Within the first few years we were married, I got food poisoning twice from her family's holiday meals (as did others). I suspect it was due to things common with ADHD and the lack of attention to details, something that negatively affects food preparation, kitchen cleanliness and hygiene, expiration dates on ingredients, and proper cooking practices. Needless to say, I stopped eating at their house.
Thanks for the reply. There
Submitted by Witz End on
Thanks for the reply. There have been more than a couple times my husband has done things that could have led to our dog being injured or worse, and I have noticed things while he's been cooking that could lead to food poisoning (luckily it hasn't happened yet!).
I've experienced some issues....
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife is very safe w/ the grandchildren to the point of hyper focus at times...But adhd is a problem when distractions happen or time gets away from her...I don't know how you can change these type things...It''s not about the kids....It's about the mind...No matter what she is dealing with...The forgetfulness, the distractibility, the trouble managing time...will always effect it....It's just who she is....I like being with her when we have the kids to do the mundane while she entertains them...We make a good team...I'm usually the most tired when their parents pick them up...But of course I'm usually the most tired after most every project we take on together :)
C
C You've Made it I Think , Good For You
Submitted by kellyj on
I'm not congratulating you for being tired, or having to pick up the slack between your wife's inability's and your own ability to actually do the things she can't, but the fact that you see it for what it is, and have resigned yourself to the facts of the situation is the most critical step I think for someone with a person with ADHD.
Like you said It''s not about the kids....It's about the mind...No matter what she is dealing with...The forgetfulness, the distractibility, the trouble managing time...will always effect it....It's just who she is....
I like being with her when we have the kids to do the mundane while she entertains them... I will say this and in this case, I'm not nit picking or over analyzing your words since you pretty much summed it up accurately but there is something in what you said, that I may be able to offer and add a little more into it here as the part where you said..."I like being with her when we have the kids to do the mundane while she entertains them" This is just my own insight, and seeing a way perhaps, to give you a better glimpse of what it might be that you find that you are drawn to or that makes you say "I like being with her" on the positive end? Maybe a better way to word saying "It's about the mind, in" terms of it's just "who she is"....could possibly be put into a another category besides that short and incomplete list of symptoms that are definitely ADHD symptoms and they definitely don't go away and are there for a persons entire life time. That never changes for a person who has ADHD as long as they live but changing your mind on a consciousness level of awareness is what changes after all? You just learn things and learn how to deal with what you have and the more you learn the better you get at changing your mind in terms of your consciousness but all that is , is thought processing or thought processes in terms of thinking. I really believe at this point in time, that what appears to be self centered, narcissistic, or even thoughtless behavior is not thoughtlessness at all. A person who is in denial is thoughtless at time since they are not aware of what they are doing that is hurtful. This is true, so it ends up feeling like they are hopelessly thoughtless and inconsiderate of you the person who is with them? But all that really is....is just the simple fact and I'm saying fact here....of not considering or not knowing the difference? Not considering the difference that you are not the same as everyone else is what can make you appear selfish and thoughtless. Considering and knowing that you are different still leaves a whole lot more to be considered and that takes some time and practice in simply practicing being considerate of others since that is an extra skill that you simply have to learn once you realize you are different to begin with and once you've owned it and you know it's part of you and you realize what part that occupies within you. Not realizing what part that occupies within you is a problem and why I think so many people who have ADHD sound like they think it's them or who they are? Especially when the feedback you get from other people are telling you that's who you are which there is simply no way no how, anyone could actually do that? How could you know? That would be quite a talent if you could actually do that a mind read another person like that? Truly, that is an impossible thing for anyone to crawl inside another person and know their soul, but for some and I might put myself in that category being an Artist and even a musician in my past ( for fun and for a brief period playing in a band )....there is something intangible that is there that drives a person to do things that I think having ADHD creates inside you? It's the need for your soul to escape and get out of it's prison that ADHD kind of manufactures by the limitations that it puts on you. The limitations that are in place and stay that way for the rest of your life? I've said that living at home in my house with my family at times was like living in a morgue of slow death for me at times and that was absolutely what it felt like. Like I was dying and slow death because I was. What it was that my soul was dying became it was trapped and it wanted out. That is more a reflection on me more than in terms of my family or family remembers but I thin that is definitely a function of being hyperactive not inattentive. I can't know that for sure but having that predominant hyperactive brain means there is too much thought going on all the time to the point you're going to explode if it doesn't go somewhere. The "Itch" that you can't scratch from the inside out like you want to jump out of your skin or something if your soul can't escape. It is like a wild animal on that primitive primal state of being but that also is directly connected to your soul. Your soul is who you are, not your thought process's. Your soul is the animal in you that needs to be nurtured and fed and when it is caged or trapped...it does not do well or function well at all. It's like I was born inside a cage and I all wanted or was driven to do was get out and explore the world? It was like, I had to, or would have died and sometimes it felt that way...like "life" or "death" and my case I chose to live which meant "escape". I've said this before without actually tying this all together but I became an escape Artist more than an Artist that you learn how to do and express in your Art. "Escape"....is the bottom line in what I wanted to convey to you. And when your when your soul learns to escape and be expressed outwardly....you soul comes out and it's no longer trapped or imprisoned anymore? I think in terms of "soul" escaping to the outside....one might say to that person..."you got soul". And I have a fist hand reference to apply that, in that one time when I did play in my band I was in, I played guitar next to another guy who was way better and way more accomplished musician and was very talented in reading music and knowing the ins and outs of playing in a band and group and I was absolutely a rank ammeter novice who didn't know shit about nuth'in! LOL I had no experience what so ever and in my mind, I could barely play? I did have a fair amount of practicing at home for fun just playing songs by myself, but I had never played in front of an audience and it was a petrifying to consider initially. But once I got up on stage and started to play, all those fears disappeared and my soul was able to escape again and I had found yet, another outlet for it to escape in the outside world. The same as it was when I did my Art. This is where people who aren't this way get it ass backwards I think? For some "Art-eests" as I call them .....the ones who are out there you see.... or the so called "Designers" of the world, I think this is really blasphemy or betrayal of the soul. In essence, to do it for fame, glory, money, adulation, praise, recognition. To become a virtual "Barbie" or "Ken" doll, that everyone likes to play with and look at in the same way. That is a person who is not free in terms of there soul. They have no soul, that's the point. "Barbie Dolls" do not have "soul" and neither do their human counter parts. They are not free spirits and their souls are imprisoned still in the confines of their minds. Trapped like a caged animal.
I can say it this way in order to put this into perspective for you. I've literally died a thousand deaths, and each one is no less painful than the next. And I will probably die another few hundred more before I leave this world but....each time I died, I escaped because a door opened and my soul jumped through it to the outside when it is free. I leaned how to escape and be free which is the only thing driving me and making me do anything. Freedom of the soul is the singluar drving force in an Artist which is who I am...not what I do? And the first order of business always is escape. Always. Learning to become an escape Artist is the first natural course of business and the itch that needs to be scratched that never goes away. The "itch" is my "soul" wanting to escape and be free. And when it does get free and what happens I think....for other people and what they get from my soul escaping? I think for others it becomes the "spice of life" for them that makes their food taste a little better and it's not so bland and tasteless as before? If there is one word or one terms to describe a person like that C? I'd say they are a "Muse".
MUSE
(in Greek and Roman mythology) each of nine goddesses, the daughters of Zeus and Mnemosyne, who preside over the arts and sciences.
synonyms: inspiration, creative influence, stimulus;
"the poet's muse"
2. a person or personified force who is the source of inspiration for a creative artist.
synonyms: inspiration, creative influence, stimulus;
"the poet's muse"
This I feel very strongly about in that this a large part of who I am too. I'm a "Muse" or simple "the spice of life" at times as far as other people are concerned and it is "personified" as said....meaning it's real and natural and not contrived or confined to a simple definition in terms. It's intangible without form, but it's real and you know it when you feel it and it feels good for the most part. And I think for the most part, that's because it feels good for me too. When my soul has a chance to escape and show it's self, every bodies happy including me? It's positive energy escaping because my soul is getting fed or nurtured in the act of creating that outlet itself. It really is kind of self sufficient or self generating and you only need to be with other people for it to come out of you? It really's hard for it to come out alone without other people around but you do get that "tortured effect" from being lone with yourself and doing your Art alone. It's only when in direct contact with other people does it really connect up and become real so you have to have others, to get that feeling or final resolution. That is just at the end of the performance, it';s the performance or the journey itself is what sets your soul free. The end when the audience aplauses is just confirmation and a Thank you? It's not why you do it at the end of the day unless your just a "Hack" or a "poser". Just like my "Master" said to me long ago...."That's nice....now go do it again." LOL It is a creative act of release of your soul and I think when that actually happens that ability allows others to see into their own soul too? It's like a window instead of mirror and instead of mirroring back themselves from the audiences perspective, it it not a reflection of the soul...but it really is "the soul" of another person going directly in to the heart and soul of another person. I think it's the truest representation of what soul really is and what that is is life and feeling alive. When I feel alive, I am at my best and when my free spirit comes out where it can be seen and felt by others...then that is a gift I give to them but not really with that intention at all? In a more selfish way of looking at it.....it just my soul needing to escape to the outside world so it can be free. I'm doing it for that reason and that reason is to save my own life and soul more than anything else? I'm not doing it to entertain anyone, I'm doing it simple to do it because it feels good for me too. I get something different than what others get from it and I am not doing it for anyone else but myself in that case? But by giving that to myself, I am giving something to other people too that they like and enjoy which is a very important part of living life. Feeling alive and feeling that free spirit...is what being a Muse is all about C. And to say from my perspective and knowing what I know....I'd say or possibly guess that being a "Muse"....."is just who she is" And you get her and get to be with her and that's what you like if I could guess what that is? Your the Poet here C....and she is your Muse is you allow her do be free and show you her soul? Just a guess....but that comes with that feeling again? The one I can't explain but it tells me things sometimes? That's what it tells me and I think I'm right on that one? Takes one to know one I guess? It's just how that one works.
But this also helps explain why I am so cynical at times when I see "posers" ...or the self proclaimed "Designers" out there who decide one day....."I'm going to be an Artist"....when they actually are not. What they are ...are "Art-eests" as said. A "sandwhich Art-eest"...is still an "Art-eest" at the end of the day? It may taste good, but it's still fake and contrived and has no soul. Like a "Barbie Doll" or fashion model. Just a pretty picture on a flat piece of board or a piece of plastic shaped like a pretty girl....that has no soul what so ever. Blasphemy I say!!! LOL An "Art-eest" who's in it for what they get out of it from the audience is.....does not bow in "Thanks" to the audience for allowing them the opportunity to perform and lets there souls escape do they?mmmmmmmm? They are not Muses at the end of the day and are not the "spice" that makes life worth living? You might as well go masturbate which is about the same thing? Posing...is just mental masturbation at the end of the day.
And just a side note here and and interesting video I wanted to include here just to show you are real "Muse" as said...to listen to his testimonial. I'm a big fan of this gentleman and I have been for years and I've seen him perform on a number of occasions along with actually meeting one of his fellow musicians one time who told me more about him and how she met him and got into his band. She was definitely as Muse herself...without a doubt, and I knew it immediately by how I was drawn to her energy? She herself was very magnetic and she was also definitely a free spirit herself. But in terms of this video and after hearing this "performer" give his personal testimonial just recently.....I'd say, I'll be a monkeys bare assed Uncle...if he doesn't have ADHD himself? I could have said everything he said, word for word....just in my own words. That's how I know and not from knowing anything more? I'm not a psychologist...but I do have ADHD!!! LOL Takes one to know one, birds of a feather :)
https://youtu.be/n1ENmSbBji0
J
Heart and Soul.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I know for sure that it's impossible for me to be clear, thorough, and completely capable of passing along detailed information that is unquestionable! LOL.
I usually agree with you about adhd matters, you have the ability, and the desire to take things farther than most...(all the why's)...It don't surprise me because you are no different than any human in that we like to feel good about ourselves....What is surprising is your ability to face yourself under any circumstance and work toward a solution that is equitable to all...
My statement above, that you say show that I might have arrived, has been a long time coming, and I assure you I have not arrived, although I feel I've made great progress in truly accepting difference's no matter how different our lives are managed... Acceptance and focusing on the positives is more difficult for some of us than others....For me it's been very difficult....
If my wife would have calmly described herself before we married, (or if I had eyes truly open to reality) her habits, her difficulties, the things she was going to just do, not matter how I felt about it, or how much i didn't like it....I can honestly say I don't know what would have happened....The reason this didn't happen, was because of my inability to see past my own desires....
The desire for a Peaceful life with my wife has taught me and is teaching me...That I can't associate bad and good with many of our differences....Many of the problems that outraged me in the past or the same one's that outrage many non-adders married to adders.....It's non-acceptance....
Simple Example: I use an organized process for many things...Take laundry...It goes into the dirty hampers once I come out of them, then to the washer, then the dryer...Then it's folded or put on hangers, then to my dresser or hung in my closet...Simple organized process (for me)...My W's dirty stuff goes in the floor, or on top of the counter in the bathroom or on top of the hamper lid in the bathroom, then it will eventually find it's way by her or me into a dirty hamper in the bathroom or laundry room, then she will wash it and dry it...(unless it's items she hangs instead of dry's, there's a rack for this, about the only thing I use for this is sweaters or biking shorts),, then her clean stuff is gotten out of the dryer and strewn across the den, rocking chair in the corner, the corner of the couch, are the love seat gets covered...(remember a life of rush, means keep it visible or it might as well not exist)....
Now here's the simple secret (for me) of living peaceful....If I deem her way as faulty and attach words and emotions to my thinking and direct them toward her....Then I destroy both of our peace and limit unity and intimacy...But if I say I have a way of living, and she has a different way of living, then acceptance can and will limit the destruction that judging another adult will always cause....See at the end of this life it want matter if I had an organized system for laundry, or if I used the floor and furniture to hold it....What will matter is did I Love appropriately....
C
I want to address the "Why" and the difficulty of Acceptance...
Submitted by c ur self on
I want to add one quick point here about my own life (maybe you can relate maybe not) that tells it's own story about 'Why" I found my self so quickly in conflict, stressed out, and filled w/ anxiety....And why Acceptance has been so difficult for me to come to terms with.....
I was raised by a Mother who taught us (3) boys from young children on...Discipline....We were taught to clean, cook and be responsible...Were we? We were boys w/ to much liberty (Mother worked) and no Father in the home all through our teen age years...So we got in our share of trouble and had our share of correction...But, we loved and respected our Mother...So as I grew up I learned to put things where they go, and to manage things around the house and in my life in an orderly manner...First out of fear and respect for her, and eventually because I believed it was the right thing to do...(I grew up in body and mind) It is just part of me...When I was young If I tried to live like my W lives now, I would have gotten a switch or belt put on my butt, back and legs...So after growing up and learning to be what I was taught was the right thing to do.. (just being responsible)...And raising two daughters and being married to my first wife for 30 years and doing the work along side her and teaching the girls the same things...It was the mind I lived in!...It was just who I was!...So in my mind when I was introduced to the way my W lives, there was no ability with in me to accept it...In my mind she was broken and I was going to help her get her life together...There was no voice in me saying I must accept this..(I was to set in my ways to hear the voice if there was one) What was coming out of me was...Your wrong! and Your a pig! And your destroying my life!
So I became pretty much a terror to her....I put my money where my mouth is, but, It didn't keep me from pointing out her issues, and damaging her self esteem and creating shame in her....This was wrong then, and it will always be wrong....
So what happens??...Lots of conflict...Lots of negativity...Lots of sleepless nights of asking myself....How in the world did I end up here?? Of course I would stop short of answering that question, because I hated the answer....It pointed strait at the guy in the mirror. And at the time there was no Power in me to move me out of this mind....
So eventually I realized the only way to protect her, me and the marriage is to set up boundaries and learn to accept my W for who she is, no matter how I feel about her living of life...
When two people have such differences...Acceptance is the hardest thing in the world put in place in my opinion...It's not that she wasn't exposed to much of the same teaching and correction that I was in her 18 years before she entered college...It's just what occurred in her life based her priorities, choices, and the circumstances that those choices brought on her from the ages of 18 to 46 when i married her...
Do I think her adhd is the cause for her life style??...NO, But, I think it is the reason that she accepts her life style and defends it....Why do I think this?? Well this why....Everything she will fight (and justify) me about, if I try to move things, or if I place expectations on her to keep the counters, bars and tables free of junk and usable...When company is coming or when she plans some kind of Holiday gathering...She will clean, hide stuff and work like a mad women for hours (complete hyper-focus) w/o speaking a word to make the house look like I think it should stay all the time....So these actions and behaviors or completely self explanatory to what she really feels inside...Nothing else needs said about that!
So I can live wisely (acceptance) and focus on the things we can share in that are positive and God pleasing, (The path to peace) Or, I can place unrealistic expectations on her and not manage my own life and emotions and use her as my excuse....(The destructive path!)
C
Greetings after a spell of lurking
Submitted by Chevron on
Formerly NowOrNever here.. I won't hijack this thread, just to tuck in here a moment with greetings to you, Dede, Hopeful, jenna, C, dvance and others. Life offline got very LARGE for awhile so I had to cut back to read-only, timewise. Wishing you all well.
Hi Chevy:)
Submitted by c ur self on
I've missed my accountability partner ;-) I hope life is going well for you!
C
Hi! Friend
Submitted by Chevron on
https://goo.gl/images/8gTbGz
Nice!
Submitted by c ur self on
Reminds me of my 69 Camaro back in high school....
Thank you for your comment.
Submitted by Witz End on
Thank you for your first comment c urself. I find that my husband is good with our child, until the inevitable distraction, or obliviousness happens. Seems like it's just a reality that many have to face when they have ADHD partners who are caring for children - the need to be nearby for when those distractions or those oblivious moments happen in order to supervise and maintain the child's/children's safe keeping.
Just a though about kindness.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Yes Witz End...I understand you comment completely and your concerns for the well being of the children...
Some times it can be easy for me to send the wrong message out of my own fears....It really pays me to move past labels, and put myself in my W's shoes....
My wife really don't need me to Supervise her w/ the grand children. The reason I like being there is to share in the fun and the work...Not out of fear, but out of Joy!
Now saying that; she will also relax more when she knows I'm there paying attention if she is not in a moment....I don't know if that is normal for most adders, but is for her....
Things can go South for any of us from time to time...Accidents just happen....Of course we are all in different situations with our spouses, and how they handle themselves, and what level of attention they give in any particular situation...Of course that is true for any of us, add or not....
This post is mostly a reminder for myself to never cast my fears on my W because of a label, even though the effects are real...Sometimes it's easy for me to allow my own unfounded fears to cause me to make my wife feel inferior by my words and actions...Even if in my heart, I honestly felt that me or someone else needed to always be there because of inattentiveness or something....There isn't any sense in pointing it out...Just be there....
C
I definitely agree that any
Submitted by Witz End on
I definitely agree that any parent or someone supervising a child is capable of making a mistake and it resulting in a child getting hurt or nearly getting hurt. I think the difference between the typical parent and a parent with something like adhd or other things, is that typically a parent will learn from that mistake and make damn sure not to do it again. For instance, parent leaves a lighter out, baby gets second degree burns on hands. Parent will most likely never make that mistake again. Parent has a child, and way of thinking transitions in that they know better than to leave sharp knives on the counter where young toddler can come along and grab it, parent will make sure to do things like close baby gate so child doesn't fall down the stairs and break their neck. I think typically when people have children their way of thinking automatically switches modes to become aware of things that are now dangers with a baby or child in the house that weren't previously dangers before. These are things that my husband has been incapable of doing. Our child is now 4 and I am still having to tell him to stop leaving sharp knives on the counter after several years. His brain was just incapable of switching gears in to noticing, and remembering to do the things that parents/caregivers need to do in order to provide a safe environment for babies/children. So I'm just trying to get a sense of whether or not this inability to switch gears and have the brain be capable of these things is adhd related, if it's dependent on what type of adhd it is, or if it's something else altogether that has caused this dynamic in my household. With all the things that have happened and all the things I luckily noticed in time, I am lucky my daughter is okay and was never seriously injured other than the second degree burns. I just want to find out what is causing this issue so we can get my husband the proper help. It is hard on me always having to be aware of dangers he is creating or not noticing, and it is hard on him to know he keeps endangering our child and can't do things alone with her.
I get the sense from your message that our situations with our spouses and their capabilities are a little bit different. Nonetheless, thank you for your input.
I understand...
Submitted by c ur self on
I think the answer is Yes and No...Yes we are somewhat in different situations...I have no idea what it would be like to have young children in the home full time with her....She raised two boys alone so I think she can turn up the awareness when she knows she has to....She was a breast feeder and a sleepy head...She told me that many times she would fall a sleep while one of her children was breast feeding...She even got on her side so she could do that....Being a man, i don't know if that's normal or not...My first wife feed ours w/ a bottle....It sounds a little dangerous if she rolled over on them in her sleep...I guess a mother's mind is wired to wake up in those situations....I would be fearful of trying it myself....
I also turn up my awareness when my 19 month old grandson is over or I set for his parents while they get a night out...He is every where and climbing and any thing he picks up goes strait in that sweet mouth...So I check the floor and under the table for pills that may have gotten dropped...She lives in a rush and want bother to run down pills at times...The 19 month old has no awareness of Danger....Our 4 year old granddaughter and 9 year old grandson are some what different in that they can comprehend danger to some degree...But we also have to be aware....
We basically make it all about them when they are over here...I know its not always that way with your own kids, work and living has to go on....My first wife and I had two girls....I hope your husband will work with you in putting some boundaries in place that creates awareness and changes that might need made to create a safe environment for your daughter...
C
ADHD and a great parent
Submitted by ADHDhusbandFAIL on
I've never been late in picking up my kids. I'm the ADHD partner with a Non-ADHD partner. When she spends time with the kids she doesn't give them 100% like I do, half the time she is on her phone and the 3 year old is tugging at her pants. Yet yesterday she called me scarred that our 3 year old wasn't with me. ????? So confusing because I have no history of doing anything like that. It's almost like she is reading more and more of these posts and making stuff up about me. She is starting to have scary thoughts from other people's experiences, not her experiences or mine, but experiences she is reading on this website and others.
I don't know what to do because she is starting to make stuff up about me. I am not in denial, I'm taking my meds, going to therapy, reading books, going to online forms about my issues and trying to manage. All while she isn't recognizing my efforts, and now saying stuff like I may not be able to see my kid again.
My non-ADHD partner is pushing me out and I feel she will make up anything about me in order to make justification for kicking me out. You know I'm ok with her not liking my ADHD and that being the reason for leaving. But now she is scared of things that never happened and never will happen.
Very frustrating. I just need to find a job, move out, and pay child support so I can see my son.
That is absolutely awful that
Submitted by Witz End on
That is absolutely awful that your partner is using other people's ADHD issues and trying to say you have issues where there aren't any. If there is absolutely no history of you being negligent, oblivious, or putting your child in harms way because of those ADHD symptoms then it really angers me that she is making you feel incapable of doing something you have been doing just fine. I WISH my husband didn't have such a hard time keeping our child safe because of his ADHD, she has no idea how lucky she is that her child's father is so attentive and capable of caring for her child.
I don't know a heck of a lot about ADHD, I only recently started reading up on it more and more trying to understand my marriage situation better and the issues my husband has parenting. What I have learned though is that ADHD is not a 'one size fits all' condition. Just because your spouse reads of situations like mine, and some of the other people that have commented about issues with caring for children, does not mean that everyone with ADHD struggles in the same areas.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are a wonderful, attentive father and I hope your spouse realizes how lucky she is that you are doing a wonderful job of focusing on and keeping your child safe. If only she knew how awful and scary it is to have a child with someone who is actually incapable of keeping focused on a child they are caring for and keeping that child safe.
Thank you
Submitted by ADHDhusbandFAIL on
Thank you Witz End. (reading your name I can relate to how you feel, I know my wife is at her wits end with me).
It's nice to hear that others would find me appreciated. I am a wonderful father and I am proud of that. If there is one thing I can do right it's playing with kids and making them happy.
And actually my wife does know what it's like to be with a husband that can't take care of the kid..... Her first marriage in fact he was very abusive and she was stuck in the relationship for years, he wouldn't watch her daughter and since they've been divorced he has hardly seen his kid, actually he hasn't seen his kid in the last few years, he kind of dropped out of the picture ( but still sends her very abusive text messages, sometimes 40 in one day, and they haven't been married for 8 or 9 years).
I know she has anxiety and PTSD from her previous marriage and maybe some of that is fear that I'll be the same way. I am a totally different person though, with a whole set of way different issues than him or even a lot of ADHD people for that matter. Actually every time I've been diagnosed the doctors said I don't have ADHD and instead I have ADD. So in a way it's unfair she is lashing out on me for my disorder, but I understand because her last relationship was a living hell.
I've actually seen her hit her daughter, I put and end to that. I haven't seen her hit my son, but I have seen her daughter (my step daughter, whom I call daughter) hitting her brother. I'm the one that gets in trouble if I discipline her daughter for anything, even if I have a valid reason. I'm not allowed to parent her daughter, which I'm come to acceptance because of her past. In fact my wife forgot to pick up her daughter from horse lessons the other week and I had to go do it, so she is afraid of me doing something I'm not doing yet she is doing. (everyone makes mistakes, I forgive her, but still kind of odd she has anxiety on something I have no track record of).
All this makes me realize I need to step up my game, get that good job and get 100% or 50% custody of my son, I would like 100% because I don't trust her. She thinks her daughter is mature enough to watch her 3 year old brother on her own, which is legal in our state, but I feel her daughter isn't mature enough. But when I raise that issue I'm verbally attacked. I feel my wife is loosing her mind and blaming me for it. She has some major issues, more so than a person with ADHD in fact. I am aware of my issues and don't deny them, but when I confront my wife about her issues she denies them. It's just so frustrating.
I thought I could handle all this but lately my wife has been getting on my case for the smallest of things and multiple times a day, then she'll send me nasty E-mails and text messages about me needing to leave. I honestly am sick and tired of living with someone who doesn't understand my disorder and who is so abusive and mean.
I thank you for listening. Good luck with all.