Hi. I'm wondering if anyone else can relate to something that frustrates me very much. My husband, who has been diagnosed at various points with depression, anxiety, and ADHD, has seen many therapists over the years and has taken medications on and off. Some of those forays into treatment have been at my encouragement or insistence. I have occasionally received indirect feedback from the therapists, most notably the person who said I should butt out and the person who said I should come in for sessions with my spouse. It's very frustrating to me that the mental health experts haven't agreed what the role of a spouse to a person with a severe mental health problem should be. Now, maybe they haven't agreed because either there isn't only one good answer or there is no good answer to this question. But then couldn't the experts then at least tell us, the affected spouses, that there isn't a good answer and offer us some understanding for the difficult, confusing position we're in? I often get the message, in books and magazine articles and online, that I, the spouse of a severely dysfunctional 60-year-old man, should be able to make him functional, even though mental health professionals with years of training haven't succeeded. If anyone can feel my pain, please respond. Thank you!
Contradictory messages about spouses' role
Submitted by PoisonIvy on 09/14/2014.
I feel your pain
Submitted by MFrances on
My spouse, who has ADHD, went to a therapist that they talked about what they think my issues are! But never once said/asked that I should come to his sessions (the therapist did tell my spouse that I needed counseling too for my anger-which is true, but to hear it like that just makes me not want to do it!).
similar messages
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I experienced some of the same things. My husband and I saw a marriage counselor who specialized in ADHD, and nothing...NOTHING was ever said about his ADHD. We weren't given any information about it, or helpful ideas on how we could best work on things. My husband ended up looking like the poor victim, and I was the "emotional wreck" who really needed help. The most UN helpful part was that my husband wasn't being honest about his feelings, or what was happening with us, etc. He seemed to almost take control of some of the sessions (the therapist was a woman) and I felt targeted at times, instead of feeling like we were jointly being helped. We didn't get very far in that year, AND had to pay quite a bit of money for that.
Follow the money
Submitted by sunlight on
A rather amusing thing that happens with my husband's psychiatrist, after husband describes some problem. Psych "And what would you like me to do about that?" This gets the point across to him.
I don't know why more "experts" don't put the truth bluntly except my not-so-oblique reference in the title. It's a brain disorder, it's chemical and physical. Optimize the chemistry first and see what's left. Maybe there are not so many neurochemistry experts about? It's a hard discipline.
As I mentioned, I waded through many ADHD books. I sold most of them for a dollar or two less than I paid for them, keeping only those that deal with the meds and chemistry. I've swapped extracts from pharm/genomics textbks with the psych, it's the best way I know.
Excellent post, Sunlight
Submitted by Icefishinglady on
"Optimize the chemistry first" - and if s/he resists/refuses/procrastinates endlessly on that, then... ???
My spouse has a decades' long
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My spouse has a decades' long pattern of using medications and then self-adjusting or stopping the meds because "they don't do anything," although it is my observation that he always functions better when he's using medications.
Partnership and trust
Submitted by sunlight on
" if s/he resists/refuses/procrastinates endlessly on that.."
If an ADHD 'partner' does not trust or respect the non-ADHD partner's judgment that their potential/actual ADHD is an issue, or might be an issue worthy of thought and/or investigation, then in what way is the ADHD 'partner' a partner at all? They are not a partner. Partnerships by definition are not one-way streets. By refusing to engage with the actual/potential ADHD the ADHD person is making their choice, which they are perfectly entitled to do, that they do not want partnership. It's loud and clear. People have all sorts of reasons for staying together, but partnership is not on the table where there is refusal to see the elephant in the room. Depending on the severity of the ADHD it may be hard for an ADHD person to see that (and I am fully sympathetic with that problem but not to the extent of allowing it as an excuse), and at some time they may just have to take on trust that their partner is not trying to hurt them when pushing the ADHD issue. So we're back at the issue of trust. Who wants to be a partner to a person who refuses to trust or respect them?
(Taking as an assumption here that the non-ADHD person is acting in what they perceive to be the ADHD person's interest).
This is an example of the
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
This is an example of the kind of message that I find confusing, because experts also tell us that we, as non-ADHD spouses, have to encourage our partners, educate them, and take on extra responsibilities. And then, if we do, we're being poor "parents."
Almost all of the couples I work with suffer from significant parent/child dynamics. One partner (typically non-ADHD) acts like a (poor) parent figure – taking on too much responsibility, setting goals for a partner, educating, reprimanding or punishing the partner if something isn’t done on time or correctly. Over time, the couple no longer acts in partnership, and many of their interactions are negative.
But think about what Glasser writes. Do you wish to only be “available” through negativity? What sort of partnership is that? There was a period in my own relationship when my husband simply stopped wanting to interact with me because he didn’t want the hassle of dealing with my negative responses…and the less we interacted, the worse both our behavior became.
Rediculous!
Submitted by kellyj on
" I often get the message, in books and magazine articles and online, that I, the spouse of a severely dysfunctional 60-year-old man, should be able to make him functional, even though mental health professionals with years of training haven't succeeded. "
How are you supposed to do the work for someone else? Giving up is not exclusive to ADHD....and even if it were, coming from someone who has ADHD ( as well as some anxiety and depression tendencies ) it isn't a guarantee that someone will or won't. It's very individual based on many other factors.
I came to this forum originally to find out more about my ADHD and some specific problems associated with it as well as trying to identify myself within it. This is after 10 years of therapy which came after seeing 4 different therapists first before arriving at what I feel is a good one based on the results. The other 4 ranged any where from marginally effective to horribly inept and did more harm than good and in the end at that time...I had completely given up and lost all hope or faith in therapy all together. I now feel very much different than that.
Bottom line ( speaking from one persons expereince...myself ). It's a package deal.....and ADHD is as individual as there are people who have it.
That's speaking from even my experience recently coming to this forum to trying to and narrow myself down armed with all that I've learned and the results of effective therapy........and I still can't put myself into any neat category within having ADHD. I believe the reason for this is the statement I just made above.
So to answer one of your questions.......no, there isn't any one good answer. I'm saying this because if there was I would have found it for myself by now.......and I'm a willing and motivated participant who is not depressed or by any means even close to feeling like I have in the past ( giving up ).
I can't speak for your husband or your situation but I will venture to say it is as exclusively yours as ADHD can be for any one person which is probably why you are experiencing the seemingly inconclusive results you and your husband are experiencing.......or you with him.
But anything that suggests that you have any control over making your husband functional is ludicrous! That's like saying you can cure another person of diabetes or cancer. You could help them make sure they take their medication or drive them to the hospital during an emergency but aside from being supportive of that person and taking care of them ( in the case of the two things I mentioned) ....what more could you do?
And even though I really like my therapist and he has done a great job so far....he does not have all the answers I need. It's not a car wash where you pay for a service....dirve a dirty car in one end and come out the other end with a clean car. I question everything and everybody including my therapist. I haven't agreed with everything he has said and he himself admittedly will say to do this very thing in looking for as many sources of information and help as I can beyond just him.
But in the end, no one can fix your husbands problems what ever they may be unless he is motivated and wants to be fixed. No one can make another person do this.
I can say from my own experience with depression that you are the least likely to want to do anything for yourself or anyone else and the most likely to give up while you are experiencing it. I think it is a good place to start at the very least based on what you've said.
J