Forum topic: Dealing with loneliness in relationship with ADHD spouse

Sat Sep 1st, 2012 - 11:59am by PoisonIvy

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD

Hi.  I come here often and I value the advice and insights given by people with ADHD and their spouses.  Please help me!

Both my daughters have returned to college and my husband, who has ADHD, is out of town, on his weekly gig of providing care to his parents.  I no longer have a car; all other family members do.  As is typical, my husband does not communicate with me when he is at his parents.  No emails, no responses to emails, no phone calls.  At first, I thought that this was a problem that my husband was unaware of, and so I talked to him about it.  For a few weeks, he made the effort to contact me once each weekend, but he no longer is doing that.  Any tips for dealing with my loneliness and feelings of abandonment?  Any ideas for how to communicate to my husband that it is this behavior exactly that makes me feel like I'm not married and might as well file for divorce, so that I can at least get the advantages of being a single person, along with the disadvantages?  

Thank you!

Comments

Submitted by jennalemon on Sat Sep 1st, 2012 - 12:09pm

I am sorry you are alone and lonely, as I am. As we know, we cannot change our DHs.  I am wondering if a week or two apart would be good?  Would we then not be so taken for granted?  although we both know that the bills would not be paid.  The house would be a mess when we got back, etc.  but for our own clarity and well being, might it not be a good experiement to see how WE do outside of the realm of the relationship?  As Melissa, said, she had to get out of it to see it more clearly to see what she was getting out of the relationship that she missed and wanted.  What would we find out?  Maybe the heaviness we carry while we are here and the veil over our eyes would be lifted and we might find we COULD do better apart. THen we need to make a better support system with all kinds of people in our daily lives so we are not lonely again.

Submitted by bilf on Sat Sep 1st, 2012 - 5:13pm

My thought on this is it tends to be better than the loneliness he actually provides when he's actually here. It was years before he would actually occasionally call when he's not around. Again, it's still not reliable. Even when he began occasionally calling, as usually in my estimation it was outta sight outta mind, it usually involved a one sided conversation where he'd say whatever he had to say then suddenly announce he hadta go n hang up. Definitely no two way communication. I have since learned to simply enjoy the times I am without him. Quite frankly the relationship is such a burden it feels good when he is away now. Perhaps your relationship is salvageable, mine is likely not, but even so, if you're gonna make it work, you still need your own life aside from him.