I have ADD, so what. I provide for my wife, I hold down a good job, I am faithful, I don't abuse drugs or alcohol, there are few fathers that love their daughter more than me, but being married seems impossible. I love my wife very much, I hate marriage. My wife and I have been married for 5 years. I started being treated with meds for ADD about 7 months ago, and I swear things are worse. I hate being on meds. The fact that I need to take something to be "normal" is about the most emasculating thing I have ever gone through. The meds are not working or I wouldn't have found this site and try to get some help. Im not looking for medication advice. I have a good Doc who also has ADD and we are gonna figure it out. I know that for being married to someone like me is difficult. But I see women stay married to non-add men who treat them like crap, or are abusive, and my marriage is in trouble because I forget to take out the trash, or get distracted easily, and I'm impulsive. That doesn't make sense to me, or any other guy with ADD. I believe that my ADD is a problem. I don't think it is fair for spouses to take it personally. When my wife tells me that I make her feel that I don't love her. My response is "are you kidding me!" In the 5 years of our marriage we have seen all the problems of my ADHD. My ADD contributed to an infidelity in our marriage. We got through it and moved on. I love my wife but I feel like she is trying to make someone with no legs walk on their hands. I can and do handle my add with meds and have a lot of better days. But it is tough, I can only walk on my hands for so long. Ran out of Time will post more soon.
In defense of men with ADD
Submitted by chewbacca on 04/18/2010.
Please hang in there
Submitted by BreadBaker on
And also keep talking to your wife--preferably, nonconfrontationally (that goes for both of you--I'm not trying to point fingers, and text-only doesn't convey non-verbal cues--I mean this as gentle advice, not admonition!).
I'm the non-ADD spouse of an ADD husband, and it felt as though we spoke two different languages much of the time. I know it might look crazy from your end, and that she may be demanding, critical, and so forth. Really, there's much more going on than you may realize. Please understand that there are things that you do and don't do that you can't see and/or perhaps don't remember, and that these things may really be hurting and upsetting her. She, in turn, needs to understand that you love her very much and mean well, but that your brain is wired up differently, and sometimes things "come out" (or don't) in ways that you don't intend. Also, the meds aren't going to magically make everything better--the therapy will help, and moreso over time. Are you two seeing a couples therapist who understands ADD?
Communication, honest effort, compassion, patience, and each striving towards understanding the other--you'll *both* need to engage in this if you're going to make this work. And I hope you two *can*. Hang in there.
I'm sorry that you find yourself in such a bewildering position
Submitted by Aspen on
Chewbacca! I am sure that it is no picnic having ADD and I know I wouldn't love having to take meds every day since I didn't even like having to take the pill everyday!! But the fact of the matter is that all of our bodies have needs and if we don't make the right vitamins, minerals,& chemicals to function optimally; then it is a good thing that pills are available to help us. It doesn't make you any less of a person to need meds to control your ADD than it makes a diabetic for needing need insulin or a someone else for needing blood pressure medication.
From your post it sounds like you are doing a bit of comparing apples to oranges. My ADD husband will sometimes make statements to me similar to what you posted here....for example that you are better than an abusive husband. It makes me angry that he could defend something like not following through on an agreement by by picking the absolutely worst thing he can think of to say at least he is better than that. OF COURSE HE IS and I am sure you are too, however, very few mates are just looking for someone who is better than an abuser. I'm looking for a partner, and since he wouldn't want a mate who has been beaten down so long that she has self esteem low enough to stay in an abusive situation, why even say something that so completely doesn't apply to the discussion at hand? Since we are still married, it is a given that no one is doing drugs or being abused.
You say "so what you have ADD", and I'll guarantee your wife is saying "so what you are better than an abusive man" since that obviously isn't where the bar has been set for acceptable behavior in your marriage--or in most of them actually. My ADD husband is a far better husband than most of our friends' nonADD husbands, but that makes no difference in our lives other than to give me another thing to appreciate him for. Does it get him off the hook when he doesn't follow through on something he agreed to? Absolutely not. I couldn't care less what other women have chosen to accept, but I know for sure what I will accept and so does my husband.
Do you make statements like that to prove that you are not the worst man out there? I am pretty sure your wife would concede that point to you. I'm certainly willing to give you that and all I've done is read one paragraph that you've written! I've read posts from other ADD men who say "I am a better husband than what I am reading from other ADD husbands on this site" as if to say that his wife shouldn't have so much of a problem with him. This makes no sense to me. Your marriage is individual and you have to deal with what IS true in your case. You have ADD and your wife has serious problems with some of the behaviors you are exhibiting. In return it sounds like you have issues with her having issues with your behaviors. You want to feel more appreciated for all the things that you do, and especially ADD behaviors that you DON"T manifest....for example you hold down a job with no problem. That is a biggie right there. Your wife is failing to make you feel that appreciation because what she is caring about at any given moment is all the things that have NOT been done. To take an example from my life, maybe you've once again (or for the 100th time) left the trash in the house until it stinks. At that moment I guarantee that she isn't thinking "well at least he doesnt do drugs or cheat on me". Does that mean she doesn't appreciate that about you? No of course she appreciates it (and should express it), but that doesn't let you off the hook for following through on things you need to be doing at home.
I'd suspect you think you do FAR more than she'd say you do. There is a blog post here about how we all over-estimate our contributions somewhat but since it is a particular issue with ADD, that it's a good to set up ways to measure what is exactly being done and by whom, so that you can get on the same page.
I am sure you both need to work on your communication just from what you have written here. You are not hearing or understanding eachother. You are minimizing the ADD's effects in your life and your problems which causes me to suspect that you aren't seeing the whole picture of what your impulsivity and inattentiveness have done to your wife. ADD causes a lot of damage that is hard to see and to begin to heal. It is hard to feel invisible to and taken for granted by a man that you love, and it doesn't make it easier when he doesn't even seem to notice he is doing it. And frequently he doesn't believe you even when you tell him.
I would be willing to guess that you both have communication issues. I am sure your marriage is not in danger because you forget to take out the trash, but that is a symptom she can point to, to say to you "You are not making me feel loved or heard since I ask you over and over to do this thing, you agree to do it, and then you don't follow through."
I'm glad to hear that you have a good doctor. It is possible that you need something tweaked there if you honestly think things are worse, but I will say that our first couple months after diagnosis were AWESOME because my husband seemed so able to see clearly what he needed to do and what he had not been handeling, but then our progress went to a slow crawl as he started dealing with his feelings about having ADD and having caused so much disappointment without even realizing it. After about 9mos to a year he really started tackling his issues hard and I'd say about 6 months after that he hit a good stride and the improvements have been coming fast since then. Sometimes there is a bit of a process you have to go through before it all starts really feeling like it has turned around.
I think the bigger picture is
Submitted by vbug2010 on
I think the bigger picture is that like you said, being married to someone with ADD is very difficult. Like my husband, you may love your wife and think she's making big deals out of nothing. But ADD manifests itself in so many ways that slowly but surely frustrate and break down a non-ADD partner. It is hard to not take those manifestations personally when they're always affecting you and the same patterns happen over and over. If your wife is like me, she's probably changed her own personality and habits to accommodate yours on some level and just wants to feel like you're meeting her halfway.
Marriage is about partnership and both people have to recognize and work with the conditions of the marriage. When both people are too stubborn/distracted to see listen to and understand each other, then the relationship is going to suffer no matter how insignificant the issues seem.
I hope you guys get some couple's counseling and work things out.