Submitted by Zipit on 05/23/2014.
I am wondering if anyone out there that has ADHD can answer my question? Does my spouse notice the amount of effort I make to keep peace and happiness in the home?
I am wondering if anyone out there that has ADHD can answer my question? Does my spouse notice the amount of effort I make to keep peace and happiness in the home?
No history lesson - just today's feelings
Submitted by jennalemon on
After 40 years of me compromising, forgiving, supporting, uplifting, contributing financially, spiritually, emotionally, raising 2 children and making a nice home, Dh says to me, "What did you ever do for me?"
I am so sorry Jennalemon
Submitted by add on
I was married almost 30 years and mine said to me as we were discussing the pending divorce, "getting a divorce is no big deal". This is the most depressing situation I have ever dealt with. I don't know if you have children with ADD but that is a whole other situation that is depressing. I love them so much but even they are so difficult to deal with. I feel so robbed of my life. The other day after a long day at work I am standing at a welding business as I once again have to deal with taking care of the home maintenance/repair myself (long story). I get the item fixed that I needed fixing and was feeling at least glad I had dealt with it, but then as I am driving home on the freeway and almost home a rock hits my car and cracks by windshield. That's my life dealing with the ADD. It is just one thing after the other with no happiness whatsoever. I now have to spend my day off getting the windshield fixed. And where's my husband today, he's probably lounging around his apartment pool or having a BBQ. My heart goes out to all on here struggling with this.
I do not have ADD but my ADD
Submitted by copingSAH on
I do not have ADD but my ADD spouse response might come off like, "well, you say you did this. BUT I did this-this-AND-this. So there, nyah-nyah. I don't know why you are making this a competition." (takes a positive statement and throws it back in your face))
I think the ADHDer only partially notices how much we work -- meaning as long as their spouse is doing all that is part of the "machinery" that keeps the ADHD life stress-free. For example clean clothes, hot meal, maybe sex or being being left alone to fiddle with his gadgets. Sometimes he talks about me more easily when he boasts about me to his friends and family that I do this and that but he is not that heart-felt in private... so there's some indirectness, or there's some distance in his ADD processing.
My ADD will buy gifts and treats for us as a "thank you" they seem to be spur of the moment, then the soft fuzzies we're all feeling are sort-lived. The next minute he'll be lost in his zone, or answering my 3-second question with a 1-minute scolding that he has no time to answer me. I find it the hardest to stay centered because he's so Jekyll & Hyde and I'm supposed to go with the flow...
When it comes to decision making for the house -- it's like a weird bureaucracy -- can't do it without a vote, can't vote because there's no meeting. So the ADHD person who is going to decide when the meeting happens has no firm idea. Therefore, it won't happen because s/he doesn't want to think about the financial aspect, and sometimes s/he's also the self-appointed treasurer.
I have ADD dh, one ADHD child, and the other one I suspect has ADD but high functioning. It feels oppressive for me because I'm tending to them all the time, finding lost objects, doing laundry, dishes, meals without anyone ever chipping in.
I think my husband (with ADHD
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I think my husband (with ADHD) notices but he is so ashamed of the vast difference in the amount and quality of our contributions to the family and relationship that he refuses to acknowledge it to me (and himself). And if I comment on it, he accuses me of trying to make him feel bad about himself.
I notice with increasing frequency, but not with a perfect lens.
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
ADHD really, truly does impair one's ability to notice. My memories are not the same as my husband's. I have a more incomplete picture, and sometimes it can be pretty inaccurate, because I can miss KEY details, and I don't always see the longitudinal patterns that occur over time.
I appreciate my husband and his efforts more every day. He does have to point them out to me sometimes, I must say (sigh). I wish I just picked up everything he does all the time, but I just don't, and probably never will.
What has helped? Coming to this site, reading, reading, reading about ADHD (love Melissa's new book!), diet, exercise, vitamins, ADHD meds. All that, just to notice.
We're complicated. Did you non-ADHDers notice that ;)?
LOL... I suppose you ADHDers
Submitted by copingSAH on
LOL... I suppose you ADHDers are complicated in a different way. You are actually not doing anything but being yourselves. That's what we non-ADHDers have to remind ourselves of, that it's not personal or deliberate. I think it's the logic/awareness part that doesn't mesh in the ADHD marriage.
To me, I notice I have a very different feeling toward my one child who has Autism + ADHD. I am infinitely more patient with our child than I am with my ADD dh. I suppose it's because my dh's awareness is not compatible with my awareness, say for example when relating to our child. And in a marriage, it should be joint, shared and compatible, or at least remain on the same frequency long after the hyper-focus is gone.
If our child rejects me, I understand why. If our child rejects ADD dh, dh is hurt and insulted. In my eyes as it relates to my ADHD child, my child never asked to have his disability and the ADHD on top of that and requires a lot of attention and guidance and lots of patience through the worst meltdowns. He's very well adjusted and doesn't have any motives, ulterior or clever. Just a happy-go-lucky sort who really doesn't care what other people think or feel. It's nice to receive affection from my child but for the most part, he is without intuition or perception of other people's feelings (mostly the human need to be needed?).
So instead of complicated, I see that as simple as it gets. It is at its most basic existence, nothing more, nothing less. WYSIWYG. So maybe that is what ADHD is, in a way.
I suppose if we were to see it that way, that's how our AD/HD spouses are. There's no ulterior motive in their unawareness and difficulties (with perception or intuiting), but it ultimately is incompatible to the spouse who has the emotional-perception-intuitive awareness learned since birth... the emotional intelligence is ingrained in many of the non-ADHDers, and just as hard to put aside as it is to have the ADHDer make a certain awareness magically appear.
So Very True
Submitted by kellyj on
I suppose if we were to see it that way, that's how our AD/HD spouses are. There's no ulterior motive in their unawareness and difficulties (with perception or intuiting), but it ultimately is incompatible to the spouse who has the emotional-perception-intuitive awareness learned since birth... the emotional intelligence is ingrained in many of the non-ADHDers, and just as hard to put aside as it is to have the ADHDer make a certain awareness magically appear.
This is such great insight to keep in mind. I don't know how many times in my life recalling moments when I would say " What?.........I don't see what (YOUR) problem is......I wasn't' doing anything??????" Besides being myself that is. I even remember my parents telling that if I continued to behave the way I did sometimes....."no one will like you." That was not the best thing to say to a child (only serves to make them feel inferior). I had no idea what they were talking about at the time. I only felt persecuted.
that's where the left over issues and sensitivities come from and they start when you are a young child when there is no way to rationalize or understand why people react the way they do.
I might add........this way of thinking still persists in the form of denial up until something or someone comes along and tells you or explains it (diagnosing ADHD) to you that has any connection or context to what you know as just being you.....as being normal compared to everyone else. How can you know????
I read these posts and see it clearly in the complaints and descriptions of the spouses with ADHD that haven't come to this realization yet. "I think to myself.....yep. I clearly understand both sides of this situation"
And there is no way for the non-ADHD spouse to ever completely understand it from our end because you don't have ADHD. How could you???
J
Momof2....
Submitted by c ur self on
Believe me when I tell you, we notice ;)
Complicated?
Submitted by LyraHeartstrings on
Sometimes I feel that instead of my ADHD hubby being complicated, he's extremely simple. He wants just to be left alone and to do nothing, have no one ask anything of him. Simple. He wants to eat chicken fingers and McDonald's fries forever. Simple. He wants someone else to think for him. Simple. He wants life to be as simple as possible and adding in anything with complexity throws him off the rails. ADHD people have that tunnel vision and blinders on which I believe fulfills their need for things to be exceptionally simple. I wish life could be like that but it's not. I think what they don't understand is that they might think they're complicated but that's their skewed perception. The Nons have so much more to deal with that it's absolutely devastating.
Oh, yes, definitely, complicated.
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
LyraHeartStrings,
" I think what they don't understand is that they might think they're complicated but that's their skewed perception. "
I'm going to challenge you on that thought. It might be in tune with what you read on this site about people with ADHD, but as Melissa has mentioned, many here are extreme cases of people struggling with ADHD in their marriage. I know many people with ADHD who work very, very hard on their issues. I certainly don't want my husband spoon feeding me everything. It kills my pride as a woman to accept help from him at all, but I do, because I need it. I don't want to need it, but it is reality, sometimes.
To the next point:
"The "Nons have so much more to deal with that it's absolutely devastating."
You can always leave your husband if he's not dealing with anything. It might not be the choice you choose to make, but it's always available as an option. By complete contrast, we can never leave our ADHD, no matter how hard we work. I would do anything to be normal. I doubt if you would want to trade places with me, nor I with you.
ADHDMomof2
Zipit....
Submitted by c ur self on
I don't have add...unless you ask my wife, she tells everyone we both do :)...Can't answer for everyone, but, because she doesn't feel the pressure I put on myself to be responsible, I believe she misses a lot of what I do...Now saying that, there are those times, out of the blue, she will (if I've been real nice) :) tell me she appreciates all I do...She told me once, I think it was in the first year of our marriage (6 Now) when I asked her to meet me halfway by doing half of the house work, that that was my gift, not hers...GIFT...I told her it's survival!!!! LOL....Well I better go, she and our two grand babies 6 and 2 are in our bed together...they will be up soon, and the party will continue, :) just needed my coffee, before I start breakfast...
Coping via imp-hood
Submitted by jennalemon on
"she doesn't feel the pressure I put on myself to be responsible, I believe she misses a lot of what I do."
My ADDer makes an acceptable story for himself in his mind changing reality to fit into a way for him be happy with himself and the way things are. He twists history and reality around to his liking. He has told himself so many lies that he believes them and concocts reality as he goes....no consequence - no error. If someone has a problem with him, that is their own problem and he shuns reality in favor of his own version of how he would rather see things. He has no one to answer to but himself and he is can make himself believe that he is doing just great....with blinders to reality.
When I try to have a conversation about money or responsibilities, Dh often responds, not with contributions and suggestions like a team guy, but with "YOU ALWAYS see glass as half empty. YOU should try seeing the glass half full, like I do, once in a while. You didn't even notice that I mowed the lawn last week for you did you?" His brain only went to one day when he contributed a little bit and now he really weighs that small contribution into the big picture of me being ungrateful.....even though I cleaned the house, bought the groceries, made the food, did the bills, made plans happen, took care of the grandchildren, work full time (he works part time).
Dh doesn't feel the pressure because he has excused himself from the pressures that come with being an adult contributor. He doesn't put pressure on himself for his portion of effort - and any work he DOES do he believes it to be a gift - because he has put no pressures on himself for anything. He has NO EXPECTATIONS of himself and focuses on his "personality" as his contribution. Right now, when I look at his large forced grin and practiced, forwards stance that he gives people (like he is focusing on what they are saying, always agreeing with whatever anyone says and laughing all the time), I know it is all for show. There is no integrity behind his agreeable stance.
I think he thinks his contribution to the family is that he is permissive. He allows any bad habit, any misdeed, any thing a person does (including his children) and that he thinks he is lovable and loves people's inabilities and lack and seems to think that people who are that way are lovable. He wants to be loved for his "cute naughtiness". The main thing he taught our two grown sons is how to drink beer and take it easy. There is a certain amount of his ENCOURAGING bad behavior, bad deeds. He wants and expects to be loved for permitting bad things. Is there a name for this? There should be. He is more a partner in crime than a partner in building a marriage and home. This did not occur to me until he said to me one day, "There is a little imp inside everybody" ....This from a man in his sixties with a family. He is proud of his imp-hood and goes though life more like a court jester than an adult with a family - so far away from being the head of a family where I put him when we took our marriage vows. He has put himself in the category of child and added to my responsibilities - his care and feeding. He is a naughty little boy wanting love and a pat on the head for mowing the lawn for me.
Jennalemon....
Submitted by c ur self on
If your description here of your husbands behaviors were a transparency...it would over lay almost perfectly onto my wife's behavior and life style...The only thing that scares me a little is your because statements and your I think he thinks statement..."Dh doesn't feel the pressure because he has excused himself from the pressures that come with being an adult contributor".. I think he thinks his contribution to the family is that he is permissive...Please believe me, I'm not by any means saying that you aren't correct...I live here daily also, but, what if its deeper? What if because of the way they are born it will be impossible for them to ever attain to a level of responsibility that would be acceptable to you and I? What then? And even if they are capable of making improvements toward being responsible, and coming face to face with themselves each day. What is our true role as a devoted spouse in helping them? Should I be robed of a peaceful life because of my own expectations for my spouse? The way I've come to view it is, the one who is experiencing peace is the normal one. So basically I am learning to not judge normal...I have come to realize that most people live a life of Illusion...In other words, we all have our own normal and I refuse to fight you over taking my view of it...There is only one heart and mind in each skin...So it will be up the one wearing the skin to find truth for themselves...If the past six years have taught me anything, it's that only a peaceful spirit and a love w/o expectations can ever help in my marriage...If it gets so bad I just refuse to deal with it, I can leave. I just refuse to let my mind (I believe your husband calls it an Imp.) destroy the peace God sent his Son to die on a cross so i could experience get robed from me by my own Imp....
Sounds quiet familure...
Submitted by c ur self on
Jennalemon if your post was a picture, and it was a transparency, the behaviors you listed would be a near perfect match to many of my wife's behaviors...But, I am trying to not judge, or make the I think or because statements...Because I truly don't know why she does things like she does...Don't know what spawns it...Also, since I have been making ever effort to not acknowledge or engage bad behavior...Several things are happening...My focus is more where it should be as a husband...I am personally living a much more peaceful life...And believe it or not she has exhibited a calmer spirit lately, and lost some of that competitive desire...She has actually started owning her actions a little...Something I didn't see during 10 months of counseling and to be honest I though would never change.
Working on figuring myself out
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Zipit,
I tried to answer that exact question: Does my spouse notice the amount of effort I make to keep peace and happiness in the home?
What I did was model for my children how a Mother is the ultimate peace maker, and will give anything to make her spouse happy. That backfired majorly big time for me. Now when I attempt to assert my own feelings and ideals, I am met with - "No arguing Mom." "Don't mess up this day by being grumpy Mom." "Everything would be all right if you just don't say anything Mom."
Blech. Not what I had meant to show them - AT ALL.
So much of my focus - I can easily say for the past 10 years - has been on my spouse. I PURPOSED to take care, to guard his heart, to encourage, to lift up, to build up, to be his helpmate, to assist, to have his back, to prop him up, to lighten his load, to stand behind him 100%, to never assassinate his character, to only say positive things about him to others., - plus do it ALL at home, the dishes, the house work, the laundry, run the administrative end of his construction business (without a salary), the grocery shopping, the clothes shopping, his clothes shopping, his shoe shopping, his uniform shopping, and raise our two children, all the while THINKING I was doing good things. It was my own thinking that was askew. The light bulb of reality popped on during my attempt to plan and carry out "25 Days of Celebrating our 25 Years of Marriage." He was unable to participate in one activity - even a simple ride to the corner to get an ice cream cone, or sit in the back field and search for constellations. The middle three days, an RV trip to Southern OH to see the Basket Building of the Longaberger Basket Factory, was a disappointment.
Here was a harsh reality for me - at mid point during those three days, he was on his knees, sobbing about how sorry he was, yet he WOULD NOT or COULD NOT and DID NOT alter the set course of how his brain was going forth on a path to a disastrous course of events..
I have pulled back, bit by bit, daily focusing on my self, and now, we are a few months of the 30th anniversary of the day we vowed to love and honor and respect each other till death do we part.
This woman will not be able to honor that vow. Vows take 3 people - a husband, a wife, and God. I gave it all, and tried a various amount of counselors and counseling, and I am left disappointed - in the marriage.
He is, and always will be, a fine man, a child of the King, a a loving father to our children, but not what my hearts longs for, nor I need in a life partner. I had hopes that things would turn around, or change, or be better. Counselors gave BOTH of us things to do.
Until the day arrives that he is able to comprehend our marriage fell apart - not only because of his wife- but maybe because he was not able to get to the point that says "My marriage is falling apart, what can I DO?" Or , "What am I doing wrong?" Or, "What can I do to make this better?"
Right now, I hurt for him, as he feels the world is against him. But mostly, he feels I am against him. If his attitude changes, maybe our marriage will too !?!