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All the time. I usually stop talking, let him say his peace, then redirect him. the talking over I can usually deal with, BUT when he starts disco dancing or wanders off to talk to kitty and pet her..that GETS me.
My ADHD husband usually tries to finish my sentences - thinking he knows where I'm going with them. I let him say what he wants to say and then say, "Can I tell you what I was trying to tell you now?" And he starts to listen. Often he gets sidetracked by the TV or the computer and I either shut off the TV or stand in front of him and say, "I'm over here - I'm not in the TV/computer." He's usually pretty good about physically turning his body to look at me and finishing our conversation then.
Shouldn't there be some way to let them know that it is very rude behavior? A counselor suggested a signal of some sort, so he will know when he's doing it again - but now he just chooses to ignore the signal.
Even though he says he doesn't want to be rude - why would he now choose to ignore the signals?
Do I know he chooses to ignore the signal? Yes, he just gets mad when I mention that he is doing old behavior and ignoring the agreed upon signal to indicate his behavior.
As I reread my own post, my comment: <<just so he can impart his wisdom upon you?>> was not very nice. A real sign of my own frustration at my own experience living with a man with ADD.
Actually, I don't necessarily get talked all over (though I have witnessed my mother in law have to chastise him for interrupting her conversation multiple times), my husband has a tendency to talk through movies. He misses important details in movies and ends up asking me through the movie what happened or why certain things are happening or who people are. I end up having to say "shhh" a lot. I recently told him, I'm hoping that one day I can discuss a movie with him instead of explain a movie to him. Same thing while I'm reading or doing something that requires concentration, he can't sit quietly for any real length of time, so tends to interrupt whatever I'm doing with a random comment.
Not sure this is the same thing, but it made me think about this.
Also, he wants to have most of the talking time. So if I'm lucky enough to complete a sentence, it's about 10 minutes of his talking before I have a chance to speak again. By then, we probably are not still on the same subject...
Our "conversations" are him giving a half-hour oration on the subject of his current interest with me saying "uh huh..... uh huh...."
Yeah, it's like that for me too. He often starts a subject, asks a question and barely waits for me to start answering before barreling on and having changed the topic without waiting for my thoughts/input/answers. I told him this isn't conversation, this is him giving a speech. Now I just (rather rudely) interrupt him when he interrupts me. I stare at him huffily and say "Still talking". Almost always, he says sorry, and lets me finish.
The TV thing I'm familiar with too. Often during a show he'll ask me to rewind ("I missed something there"). We always DVR everything, so it's not a problem, but it gets annoying after the 5th time (ok, the 2nd). Often it's a small detail that I noticed and it would have been a lot quicker if he'd just ask me. Fortunately he doesn't do this if we go to the movies (I'd go nuts, let alone the other people).
My husband doesn't talk over me. He will politely wait for me to finish my sentence, and then say something apropos of nothing. I have said, "When you ignored me yesterday, it hurt my feelings." And he waits until I finish my sentence and says, "This new drill I bought comes with an extra battery." And I will say, "I feel like you are ignoring me now." And he will say, "I'm not ignoring you. I heard what you said- that I hurt your feelings yesterday." Then, silence from him. He doesn't get that just being able to repeat back what was said to him is not an indication of NOT IGNORING ME. *sigh*
I hate to do it, but I disagree....I face the same "did you hear what I said?" kind of things. To assume that he didn't 'hear' what you said, when he can obviously repeat it back, to me almost feels equivalent to calling them stupid. Of course he heard what you said, he repeated it. It is much easier to divert the conversation to his drill and battery than to say "Gosh, honey I really don't want to hurt your feelings so I will try and do better next time". For my husband, there is a time and a place for 'deep thoughts' and I have learned to just say "That was really hurtful" and leave it at that. He has ears, they work, and in spite of his 'wiring' issues, he isn't ignorant and incapable of understanding "I did X, it hurt her feelings". Now, where the real test comes in is whether or not they are able to focus on the hurtful behavior and make a concerted effort to stop doing it. My husband never was until I 'motivated' him by convincing him that my life was going in a different direction...and what has really helped is having a counselor who can repeat to him what I say and make him understand. I honestly think just the simple fact that some things come out of MY mouth, it makes it impossible for him to focus on the whole point..all he hears is any negative connotation he might think I've made. Period. I speak English, he hears French...and vice versa.
He hears you...he might not be capable of conversing in a meaningful way about what he hears right now, but he will learn to with counseling...and maybe meds. He may not even be able to stop the hurtful behavior at this point, but he can eventually learn to. Just keep pointing it out but don't insist he HEAR you. My husband used to say "what do you want me to say? that I agree with you? Well, I don't!" and he would ONLY disagree with me because he was pissed that I would not just make my point and let it go. He has ears, he hears you. :)
Actually, I have gotten into the habit of "checking" that he heard what I said for several reasons. (1) he does have a mild hearing impairment and sometimes DOESN'T hear what I said; (2) He has habit of coming back later and saying (whiny voice), "I didn't hear you say that- I didn't know ___". (3) Or my personal favorite, "That's not what you said....". Because of the convolution of these constant little "lies", excuses, rationalizations and the hearing impairment- no; I really never know if he did in fact hear me. I suppose I could just say what I have to say and walk away. Naturally then I would be further punished by, "Why didn't you tell me?" or "How am I supposed to know that if you never say so." and (said arrogantly) "I'm not a mind-reader. If something is bothering you, you should say so."
I gave an example using me communicating feelings. But really- we don't really talk about feelings around here (remember, that's a no-no). This happens during MOST communications between us. And yes, I need to check and see if he "heard me" if its about where and what time to pick up one of the children, etc.
Really. Most days this is more trouble than its worth. If he's so freaked out waiting to hear negative things when all I'm trying to tell him is what time to pick up the kid from an after school program, he needs to check himself into the hospital.
ah...that makes sense. Checking to see if he heard you seems maybe necessary for you then. Ugh. I don't have that issue...thankfully. He has a memory like an elephant. He does occasionally forget to tell me things. Our biggest issue is me saying something and on the spot he will hear something completely different and get upset. I suppose it is all the same...communication issues. Maybe your counselor will suggest you both keep a 'planner', writing down things at the same time, so he can't 'forget' you told him.
(((HUGS))) lady...hang in there...you have the eval in Feb to look forward to at this point. It didn't get this way over night...just breathe and wait for the pros to get ahold of him.
Exhausted - I am always being interrupted by my ADD spouse. He acknowledges that he is doing so - "I know Im cutting you off, but...." and continue on with whatever he wants to say. I had to work on not rolling my eyes and displaying frustration all over my face - which I have done with a lot of hard work. But it seems that I can expect him to be respectful of my and let me finish my sentence but the reality is that only happens about 10% of the time. I don't think that he trys to interrupt me, but he is aware that he is doing so and doesn't stop. While this does bother me, I have managed to let him finish and then ask: Now may I finish what I had started to say?" It works most of the time - the best of this is that I do get to finish what I was saying, even though he continues to interrupt.
The newest thing he likes to say now it that he knows better than me what I want/like. Example, I asked for one specific item for the holidays - showed him photos of this item, wrote down the size, the kids were well aware of what the item was and he had agreed to get this for me - a pair of knock off Ugg type boots ($25.00). But then 2 days later he approaches me and says " you really don't want those boots - yes, I do. No, see you really want an electric car starter. No I want those boots. I think that once you think about it, you will realize that you really do want the starter and not those boots. Besides, I already bought it and I really don't want to have to return it. I just gave in. I know I shouldn't have, but honestly I was so tired that I figured I'd never get my point across (he is always right and Im always wrong - even when it comes to what I like/want/think,ect) and that I will just get the boots for myself. I felt so unheard!
I think that is what is so great about this site...everyone gets a chance to state their thoughts, ect.
I don't have the answers, I try to do as our counselor says and it works for a few days, then its all back to the start. But at least those few days are good. Baby steps I guess.
My sweetie does the same thing. There reasons for it is just child like behavior. When I bring it up that he just interrupted me he says : " I had to tell you what I was thinking before I forgot"...ok ???? Why was he not thinking of what I was saying ??? Can we not see that it's like a child with no manners...the flip side is interrupt him and watch out for the temper....if anyone heard him raising the roof they'd think I had hit him...LOL (not really) again is that not like a child ?
In life (most things) are better if they fall in the middle, but not this=ADHD...sometimes I think it would be better if he was autistic. He would go to the Doctor , get help and take his medicine. I have worked with autism ppl and they are easier to get along, look over there behavior and even understand than AHDH ppl. I'm sorry if saying this is hurtful, but life is hard enough with normal issues then add your love is (NOT ONLY)not there to walk though it with you , but you have to baby sit them and over look soooooooo much. I'm sorry , but HE is the only one that can make a difference. How do we get them to take medicine, when it takes medicine for them to see how they are? He has tried 3 med's (1) since we have been together and it was awful, his temper got so bad he was exploding like a mad man. He has a counselor appointment 12/30 , but say's he don't want to take medicine...he says he's taking vitamin E???? Ok (not really) but , it's his decision. I just pray and hope that the counselor can help him see the light....He has both types of ADHD.
What brought him around the last time and this time was me moving out and plans to move. I have let this cost me $$$ I don't have, 1st time it cost me over $6000 and him having two affairs while I was gone , all in 2 months time. This time so far I have spent $1000 , but I'm still here. This time it has cost him $$$ he doesn't have...either way it's a waist of $$$ and time that normal relationships don't endure. His response to this is " well at least I'm getting help now" yes now, but what about tomorrow. What will it cost the next time... I can tell you .."ME !" He made the decision to get help at the 12th hour, and the clock will stay there until I see some results. As always feed back welcome and prayers needed. Thanks for reading.
My husband interrupts me often when we're in heated discussions. But heaven forbid if I do it back to him. It's one of his pet peeves. I hate it - I feel so disrespected when it happens.
And at times, he's even justified his interrupting because he said where I was going and what I was saying was so wrong and unacceptable. Grrrr.
talked over
Submitted by Topaz on
All the time. I usually stop talking, let him say his peace, then redirect him. the talking over I can usually deal with, BUT when he starts disco dancing or wanders off to talk to kitty and pet her..that GETS me.
My ADHD husband usually tries
Submitted by jgf on
My ADHD husband usually tries to finish my sentences - thinking he knows where I'm going with them. I let him say what he wants to say and then say, "Can I tell you what I was trying to tell you now?" And he starts to listen. Often he gets sidetracked by the TV or the computer and I either shut off the TV or stand in front of him and say, "I'm over here - I'm not in the TV/computer." He's usually pretty good about physically turning his body to look at me and finishing our conversation then.
Definately Seems rude
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Shouldn't there be some way to let them know that it is very rude behavior? A counselor suggested a signal of some sort, so he will know when he's doing it again - but now he just chooses to ignore the signal.
Even though he says he doesn't want to be rude - why would he now choose to ignore the signals?
Do I know he chooses to ignore the signal? Yes, he just gets mad when I mention that he is doing old behavior and ignoring the agreed upon signal to indicate his behavior.
Apology
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
As I reread my own post, my comment: <<just so he can impart his wisdom upon you?>> was not very nice. A real sign of my own frustration at my own experience living with a man with ADD.
Not quite the same...
Submitted by Christina on
Actually, I don't necessarily get talked all over (though I have witnessed my mother in law have to chastise him for interrupting her conversation multiple times), my husband has a tendency to talk through movies. He misses important details in movies and ends up asking me through the movie what happened or why certain things are happening or who people are. I end up having to say "shhh" a lot. I recently told him, I'm hoping that one day I can discuss a movie with him instead of explain a movie to him. Same thing while I'm reading or doing something that requires concentration, he can't sit quietly for any real length of time, so tends to interrupt whatever I'm doing with a random comment.
Not sure this is the same thing, but it made me think about this.
Sometimes I get ONE sentence, but...
Submitted by MariS on
In our house I am very often interrupted.
Also, he wants to have most of the talking time. So if I'm lucky enough to complete a sentence, it's about 10 minutes of his talking before I have a chance to speak again. By then, we probably are not still on the same subject...
Our "conversations" are him giving a half-hour oration on the subject of his current interest with me saying "uh huh..... uh huh...."
This is probably common
Submitted by Tasla on
Yeah, it's like that for me too. He often starts a subject, asks a question and barely waits for me to start answering before barreling on and having changed the topic without waiting for my thoughts/input/answers. I told him this isn't conversation, this is him giving a speech. Now I just (rather rudely) interrupt him when he interrupts me. I stare at him huffily and say "Still talking". Almost always, he says sorry, and lets me finish.
The TV thing I'm familiar with too. Often during a show he'll ask me to rewind ("I missed something there"). We always DVR everything, so it's not a problem, but it gets annoying after the 5th time (ok, the 2nd). Often it's a small detail that I noticed and it would have been a lot quicker if he'd just ask me. Fortunately he doesn't do this if we go to the movies (I'd go nuts, let alone the other people).
re: being talked over
Submitted by revelation on
My husband doesn't talk over me. He will politely wait for me to finish my sentence, and then say something apropos of nothing. I have said, "When you ignored me yesterday, it hurt my feelings." And he waits until I finish my sentence and says, "This new drill I bought comes with an extra battery." And I will say, "I feel like you are ignoring me now." And he will say, "I'm not ignoring you. I heard what you said- that I hurt your feelings yesterday." Then, silence from him. He doesn't get that just being able to repeat back what was said to him is not an indication of NOT IGNORING ME. *sigh*
I hate to do it, but I
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I hate to do it, but I disagree....I face the same "did you hear what I said?" kind of things. To assume that he didn't 'hear' what you said, when he can obviously repeat it back, to me almost feels equivalent to calling them stupid. Of course he heard what you said, he repeated it. It is much easier to divert the conversation to his drill and battery than to say "Gosh, honey I really don't want to hurt your feelings so I will try and do better next time". For my husband, there is a time and a place for 'deep thoughts' and I have learned to just say "That was really hurtful" and leave it at that. He has ears, they work, and in spite of his 'wiring' issues, he isn't ignorant and incapable of understanding "I did X, it hurt her feelings". Now, where the real test comes in is whether or not they are able to focus on the hurtful behavior and make a concerted effort to stop doing it. My husband never was until I 'motivated' him by convincing him that my life was going in a different direction...and what has really helped is having a counselor who can repeat to him what I say and make him understand. I honestly think just the simple fact that some things come out of MY mouth, it makes it impossible for him to focus on the whole point..all he hears is any negative connotation he might think I've made. Period. I speak English, he hears French...and vice versa.
He hears you...he might not be capable of conversing in a meaningful way about what he hears right now, but he will learn to with counseling...and maybe meds. He may not even be able to stop the hurtful behavior at this point, but he can eventually learn to. Just keep pointing it out but don't insist he HEAR you. My husband used to say "what do you want me to say? that I agree with you? Well, I don't!" and he would ONLY disagree with me because he was pissed that I would not just make my point and let it go. He has ears, he hears you. :)
re: I hate to do it...
Submitted by revelation on
Actually, I have gotten into the habit of "checking" that he heard what I said for several reasons. (1) he does have a mild hearing impairment and sometimes DOESN'T hear what I said; (2) He has habit of coming back later and saying (whiny voice), "I didn't hear you say that- I didn't know ___". (3) Or my personal favorite, "That's not what you said....". Because of the convolution of these constant little "lies", excuses, rationalizations and the hearing impairment- no; I really never know if he did in fact hear me. I suppose I could just say what I have to say and walk away. Naturally then I would be further punished by, "Why didn't you tell me?" or "How am I supposed to know that if you never say so." and (said arrogantly) "I'm not a mind-reader. If something is bothering you, you should say so."
I gave an example using me communicating feelings. But really- we don't really talk about feelings around here (remember, that's a no-no). This happens during MOST communications between us. And yes, I need to check and see if he "heard me" if its about where and what time to pick up one of the children, etc.
Really. Most days this is more trouble than its worth. If he's so freaked out waiting to hear negative things when all I'm trying to tell him is what time to pick up the kid from an after school program, he needs to check himself into the hospital.
ah...that makes sense.
Submitted by SherriW13 on
ah...that makes sense. Checking to see if he heard you seems maybe necessary for you then. Ugh. I don't have that issue...thankfully. He has a memory like an elephant. He does occasionally forget to tell me things. Our biggest issue is me saying something and on the spot he will hear something completely different and get upset. I suppose it is all the same...communication issues. Maybe your counselor will suggest you both keep a 'planner', writing down things at the same time, so he can't 'forget' you told him.
(((HUGS))) lady...hang in there...you have the eval in Feb to look forward to at this point. It didn't get this way over night...just breathe and wait for the pros to get ahold of him.
Exhausted - I am always being
Submitted by lonelywife40 on
Exhausted - I am always being interrupted by my ADD spouse. He acknowledges that he is doing so - "I know Im cutting you off, but...." and continue on with whatever he wants to say. I had to work on not rolling my eyes and displaying frustration all over my face - which I have done with a lot of hard work. But it seems that I can expect him to be respectful of my and let me finish my sentence but the reality is that only happens about 10% of the time. I don't think that he trys to interrupt me, but he is aware that he is doing so and doesn't stop. While this does bother me, I have managed to let him finish and then ask: Now may I finish what I had started to say?" It works most of the time - the best of this is that I do get to finish what I was saying, even though he continues to interrupt.
The newest thing he likes to say now it that he knows better than me what I want/like. Example, I asked for one specific item for the holidays - showed him photos of this item, wrote down the size, the kids were well aware of what the item was and he had agreed to get this for me - a pair of knock off Ugg type boots ($25.00). But then 2 days later he approaches me and says " you really don't want those boots - yes, I do. No, see you really want an electric car starter. No I want those boots. I think that once you think about it, you will realize that you really do want the starter and not those boots. Besides, I already bought it and I really don't want to have to return it. I just gave in. I know I shouldn't have, but honestly I was so tired that I figured I'd never get my point across (he is always right and Im always wrong - even when it comes to what I like/want/think,ect) and that I will just get the boots for myself. I felt so unheard!
I think that is what is so great about this site...everyone gets a chance to state their thoughts, ect.
I don't have the answers, I try to do as our counselor says and it works for a few days, then its all back to the start. But at least those few days are good. Baby steps I guess.
can re-late.... need to vent.
Submitted by blesseddelaine on
My sweetie does the same thing. There reasons for it is just child like behavior. When I bring it up that he just interrupted me he says : " I had to tell you what I was thinking before I forgot"...ok ???? Why was he not thinking of what I was saying ??? Can we not see that it's like a child with no manners...the flip side is interrupt him and watch out for the temper....if anyone heard him raising the roof they'd think I had hit him...LOL (not really) again is that not like a child ?
In life (most things) are better if they fall in the middle, but not this=ADHD...sometimes I think it would be better if he was autistic. He would go to the Doctor , get help and take his medicine. I have worked with autism ppl and they are easier to get along, look over there behavior and even understand than AHDH ppl. I'm sorry if saying this is hurtful, but life is hard enough with normal issues then add your love is (NOT ONLY)not there to walk though it with you , but you have to baby sit them and over look soooooooo much. I'm sorry , but HE is the only one that can make a difference. How do we get them to take medicine, when it takes medicine for them to see how they are? He has tried 3 med's (1) since we have been together and it was awful, his temper got so bad he was exploding like a mad man. He has a counselor appointment 12/30 , but say's he don't want to take medicine...he says he's taking vitamin E???? Ok (not really) but , it's his decision. I just pray and hope that the counselor can help him see the light....He has both types of ADHD.
What brought him around the last time and this time was me moving out and plans to move. I have let this cost me $$$ I don't have, 1st time it cost me over $6000 and him having two affairs while I was gone , all in 2 months time. This time so far I have spent $1000 , but I'm still here. This time it has cost him $$$ he doesn't have...either way it's a waist of $$$ and time that normal relationships don't endure. His response to this is " well at least I'm getting help now" yes now, but what about tomorrow. What will it cost the next time... I can tell you .."ME !" He made the decision to get help at the 12th hour, and the clock will stay there until I see some results. As always feed back welcome and prayers needed. Thanks for reading.
Double-standard
Submitted by txwife on