Submitted by Geese on 08/23/2015.
After months of trying and realizing how futile it is to get a wife who hates your ADHD was to see you as anything but an idiot, I have asked for a separation. We still live together and our child is not aware if he break. Its a little awkward but I think better than before. Here are ten reasons why:
1) Renewed intimacy. Before I stupidly went about life hoping that I can somehow miraculously earn affection and sex by not being myself for long enough. Now I can relax and if a woman finds me attractive I can pursue. about half a dozen women seem interested. I feel like a man again.
2) Clearer mind space. Spending all my time caring what my wife thinks limited my already cramp attention span. I literally got no work done since even when on ADD drugs I spent so much time trying to impress a woman how hated me more than anyone else in her life. Now all we do is plan how to pay bills. My mind is relaxed.
3) More self respect. No matter what effect ADHD has I know I am not an idiot. I actually am smarter than average and have a successful role as a salesman at work and a demanding role I do well in the military reserves. With no wife to embarrass me in public or berate me 24/7, the truth that I am worthy of breathing air is easier to see. I was getting worried I'd just shoot myself one day - now, even with no meds its honestly the last thing from my mind.
4) Better parenting. My wife seems to respect me more now. I initiated this separation and we are both diligently doing our jobs at parenting. Less fighting and less tension means a happier child and more work-like cooperation with another adult that you don't have to express any feeling towards
We have yet to define the details of what this arrangement means. She has been avoiding the discussion only insisting I move out and give her all my paycheck of course (I am the breadwinner) . No thanks. I'm still a parent and we still have limited resources. Lets be roommates and define what that means. Let's see if her non-ADD mind can work with me to answer that question.
I only see four reasons
Submitted by doublej on
What are the other six reasons?
You've arrived....
Submitted by c ur self on
You probably should put the brakes on a little, you've arrived....First, if your wife is withholding sex from you it's not your sin, it's hers...If you start justifying adultery in your mind because of an agreement with your wife...then that's yours....
You say just the thought of not subjecting yourself to not being yourself has really been healing for you....Great, this is the mind you need to live in all the time, regardless what she thinks as long as your being responsible and not abusing her....
So my suggestion is just keep that liberating focus you have now, keep being the man, Father, worker you know you are...Be nice to her, if she starts getting angry and ugly it's not your problem...Your at peace being you...So don't engage it walk away....
In a few months of peace around there you may hear a tap on your bedroom door one night:) Do it for your Child...
I agree with C UR Self
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
You probably should put the brakes on a little, you've arrived....First, if your wife is withholding sex from you it's not your sin, it's hers...If you start justifying adultery in your mind because of an agreement with your wife...then that's yours....
>>>
It's really coming across that your primary goal is to find some women to hook-up with. I understand that your male-ego has been injured, but from your past posts it seems that your wife is harboring years-long anger at the the frustrations that she's been thru because of your ADHD.
I think THAT is what needs to be the focus. Have you apologized to your wife for what she's been put thru? Do you have any real idea of what she's been thru?
Why not sit her down and quietly ask her to use a civil voice and from her heart tell you what it's been like being married to you. Then apologize....or apologize after each list-item.
What are some of the improvements since you've started this new treatment or program?
I know that it may seem like she's been unfair that she hasn't instantly recognized any improvements...that takes time.
To her, you're like a chronic thief who has now turned over a new leaf. She's not suddenly going to share the bank account with a thief, is she?
Since starting the new program, what have you done to woo her back?
I think you owe it to yourself, your wife and your family to give this more time.
Things Will Change Rapidly
Submitted by kellyj on
I'm echoing the things that have already been said outside of what you are doing right now and trying to figure out how to pay the bills, I would give yourself some time to adjust. Things will change, and change and change again. Right now, next week may be a different story. Not with you and her, in how you feel about things and your emotions. I think you need time to get rid of your sea legs and let the ground stop moving under your feet for now. Relaxing and doing nothing else seems to be a good course of action. I would continue on that path.
Some things to think about if I were you:
You've been immersed in negatively and pouring yourself into trying to make someone else happy. There is no way of knowing exactly why she feels the way she does about you and it has already been mentioned that you should apologize for what ever you know you have done on your end that she be apologized for. In a general sense this is a good idea however.....you been chasing after all the things she has said about you and as the person you are.....those specifics I would take with a grain of salt. I'm saying this for your own benefit. The fact that she has already asked you to give her all of your paychecks is completely unreasonable. Right there tells me that your best interest is not on her mind what so ever. I would not trust anything that she says in respect to you owing her anything outside of an apology for being so difficult to live with since you have ADHD. You were not given a chance to do much about it and have not even had the chance to get your meds dialed in. It sounds like you are the victim of character assassination and you should never, EVER!! have to apologize for who you are....only the things you have done that you know in your heart were wrong and admit that and say you're sorry. You can never go wrong there in any case.
Having said that.....you can take those things she has said about you and boil them down into one sentence...."you aren't the right person for me and I am not a happy person when we are together." That's more like it. And what's more likely the case is that she has felt trapped with no where else to go because of cash but if she could have (if she had the funds to do it) she would have likely said something like that to you a while ago and left you instead. The only reason she stayed was because she could not afford to leave and she probably felt like she was done a long time ago which is why you were running into a brick wall with her despite your effort.( the constant berating, public embarrassment and harping on you )
And as harsh as this may sound to your already fragile ego......the intimacy you're experiencing with her now may be all she has to use to make sure she stays on your good side until she gets what she wants out of you. It's not unheard of in fact....my ex- wife came back for a brief time and I was suspiciously guarded but hopefully optimistic until this very thing made itself apparent to me. As soon as she could....she was gone again when I said she wasn't getting any more money out of me. I think having your heart broken a second time like this is even worse than the first time since now you feel like your really are an idiot for believing something that seemed so obvious after the fact. Don't let her use your emotions against you to soften you up to get more out of you. Like I said.....this is more common with men in your situation and your emotions have already taken a beating. I won't discount hers here either but between the two of you....slowing down and doing nothing right now is the best advise I could give you. Remember....she has her side to play in all of this and there is no such thing as one person being totally in the wrong or at fault unless there is something that you have done that you have not said along those lines. From the sound of it.....that doesn't see to apply with the things you have said.
Of course....your child's best interest should not be overlooked in all of this and your wife sounds like she has not forgotten that either. I only wanted to give you some food for thought and not be blind to things from having your emotions get in the way. It happens....nothing wrong with you there either:)
j