I just discovered this site today after looking for books that my wife and I can read together to acknowledge and work on our relationship issues that have become really bad with during COVID as we face money problems due to unemployment, the stress of a parenting an ADHD diagnosed 8 year old and a very active and attached toddler, and caring for my wife's mother who has a very advanced cancer diagnosis. We are coming up on 10 years of marriage and 13 years together. We're at a point where the combined stress of all these factors and the ADHD (and comorbidities like depression, anxiety, anger) are at a point where our resentment towards each other is becoming harder to hide from the kids and I fear that our marriage may not make it through this time. We struggle and fight about home organization and mess more than anything else mainly because it causes me so much stress (as the more organized ADHD partner bearing the majority of the work and responsibility) that it has taken over the majority of family interactions. I wrote a much longer post that turned into a detailed and cathartic outpouring of everything we're dealing with but decided to cut it back to this high level description since I'm not sure what the etiquette of conversations on this forum are yet.
Dual ADHD Couple with ADHD Children and Unemployment/Money Issues during COVID
Submitted by ManicDanic on 09/20/2020.
Conflicts around household tasks
Submitted by Desparate-Exhausted on
Same here.....the stress is so intense, it's affecting our health and pretty much everything else. One day at a time is how we manage. This issue is definitely my most stressful....the constant losing things, the questions about where is ???? and the consequences of avoiding dealing with it as it has gotten worse and worse and now unconfrontable. I had a small household project to do the other day and could not find one screwdriver and I know he has dozens because when he can't find one, he goes out and buys another one. Thats what we do, when we can't find something, just go buy another one and eventually there will be piles of screwdrivers.
I guess just keep educating yourself about the issue and praying and understanding "how it works" will give you some peace. Have faith things WILL get better and see it that way as you grow in awareness and erect boundaries and learn how to live and love in the truth of the way that it is, rather than the way we wish it was. I guess what I'm saying is THERE IS HOPE! if we stay on the path of growing and changing. Hang in there....
Thanks for your reply. Just
Submitted by ManicDanic on
Thanks for your reply. Just discovered the website yesterday and wasn't sure how active it was. It's encouraging just knowing that we're not alone in this experience because I have definitely felt like I'm completely crazy for being this disturbed by mess and obsessed with finding a solution. I wrote a much longer, detailed and personal post on this board originally but decided it would be more productive to share it directly with my wife and it started a productive conversation and a late night sprint to finish the stalled kitchen organization I started on the weekend.
We're thinking of signing up for Dr Orlov's office hours and reading her book together. Would love to hear any comments or recommendations to see how they've helped other families.
Marriage stress....
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife has add at a high level, (adderall for years) I've never been tested but, probably have ADHD at some level....We suffered through a lot of marriage stress over the years...She is much like you describe you wife...Very messy, hoarding tendencies, want throw nothing much away....
To cut to the chase here, we have made huge strides over the past few years....I had to be the leader in acceptance, and setting boundaries.....When accepting the fact she is going to live, think and do the things she loves, and is capable of....My stress level went way down....I had to set boundaries which keeps her way of living from being so impactful on me.....We have separate finances, do taxes separate, I don't get in her junk filled car, nor do I ride with her etc) we don't give each other unsolicited advice, I refrain from pointing out the obvious train wrecks I see coming....It's got to be live and let live, because of the many differences in the way we choose to live...(mutual respect) The ability to have calm conversations does not exist, when one or both partners does not take complete ownership of their words and actions....So if blame and/or excuse making is going on...You have to shut up and walk away, if you want a peaceful life....We can never do the work for another individual in marriage and in life....We can only destroy any semblance of a marriage by not respecting each others choices and abilities....Also I had to stop mothering and picking up behind her...kick the trip hazards aside, but, allow her to clean up her own messes on her time scale...If she puts stuff on my side of the bathroom counter I move it calmly to her covered up side...if she leave a mess on both side of the kitchen counters, I move it all to the same side so I can have a clean side to work on.....The nature of most adders (our tendencies) can be explosive, (both of us), so it's never a good idea to attempt conversations about things that you know they are in denial of or just refuse to address....All you have is a 5 minute war that may destroy fellowship for a week or longer...It's the hardest lesson, but, it's the only way....
Good luck friend....Acceptance of reality and quietly walking away is my best advice.....The worse thing you can do is try to force conversation where it can never be had....
c
Thank You
Submitted by ManicDanic on
Thank you very much for your compassionate response and sharing your personal journey. Just feeling heard by someone else who has shared a similar experience helps so much.
I am sure that your advice is the correct approach but easier said than done when you're saturated in the negative emotions. I've been working with my own therapist on mindfulness and acceptance and was making good progress on this front. Unfortunately the pressures and circumstances of COVID - financial pressure of job loss (and the benefits that covered that therapy), along with the increased amount of time spent in our messy home and in each other's space - have undone a lot of that progress. In our relationship, avoidance of difficult conversations usually results in festering resentment so I try to get things out in the open. But there are definitely ways I can work on choosing my battles and moderating the tone and extent of those conversations.
Thanks again.
D
Avoidance of difficult conversations....
Submitted by c ur self on
I agree, and if you read here (on this site) a while, you will see the majority of those attempting to move forward have little ability to have healthy conversations...Those where people are actually listening for understanding, and care to do that....Verbal sharing must be two sided to be productive...When negative emotions are high, or there is a heart of blame in one or both parties, then it's basically impossible to come to fruitful agreements....If you and your spouse are able to have those difficult conversations in a healthy way, without a third party, then you are ahead of the game!
Blessings
c