How do you stop nagging - or reminding?
I don't feel like it's my job to help him remember to do things. Yet there are things that he's taken on that he won't let me help with. Those things sometimes have a time-sensitive component to them, so if they are not done in the time that they need to be done, there are consequences.
For example. A year ago (YES an entire year), we started looking to buy a house. It's a year later, and our broker has to keep asking him for the same documents because by the time my DH gets them to him they are already expired (bank statements). I asked about this yet again this week and he assured me it would be done - has it been done? No. If you added up all the times I've asked him to finish this process it would probably number in the thousands. Something that would take one afternoon AT BEST has taken him an entire year. I told him this last time I would not ask him about it again because I was frankly tired of it. And I can't take it over because he would be super offended!
Another example. Ten years ago he told me that our storage of garbage (yes, literally garbage - stuff that's broken that he's been meaning to fix for two decades, including baby toys for our almost 21 year old - would be cleaned out. Ten years later, now we have two storages full of garbage. If I ask him about these things, he flips out. I can't even talk to him about it. So I just keep paying for it.
One more example (I have lots more, but....). He has no insurance as I am self-employed and can't get him on my insurance, as he has diabetes and high blood pressure. He refuses to look for insurance. When I asked him about it today he acted like I had grealy offended him by daring to ask him about something that could greatly impact our family's financial situation. If he gets sick - which is a very real possibility as he takes terrible care of himself - I will be paying for it out of pocket. He's been sued twice by doctor's offices for not paying; he doesn't show the bills to me OR he tells me that they are taken care of, which they are not.
I don't want to nag. I don't want to be negative. And I can't just let him face the consequences of his decision (as Melissa's book likes to point out) because it's not him that will be suffering the consequences. He does not care or just ignores it. I guess the only solution here is just to pretend everything is okay? I'm so tired of wanting to rely on him and it's just not happening. I guess maybe that's where the nagging really originates.....I want so badly to have someone to rely on.
Bottom line: how do you handle NOT nagging.
If it involves you, then it's not nagging...
Submitted by Standing on
it's good stewardship. Or something like that. Okay, I don't know if this is the correct answer, but when it comes to buying a house - if we needed the house and I wanted the house and if we could afford to make such a purchase, I'd step in and make it happen, whether it offended him or not. Why? Because I gotta live somewhere! He's going to be offended a zillion times a lifetime anyway. My primary concern in this matter would be - is it a financially wise decision and is it necessary. On The Other Hand, if you suspect that he's delaying because he really doesn't want to purchase a house, that's a different story. Ooops, gotta run, sorry.
I agree with Standing. As
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I agree with Standing. As for the storage lockers and similar things, if it's your money and his stuff, stop paying the bills.
Sure. And I get sued for non
Submitted by redhead1017 on
Hi. I'm sorry. I wasn't
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Hi. I'm sorry. I wasn't suggesting that you do something you could get sued for. I thought that with storage lockers, you get a couple warnings for nonpayment and then the items are sold. That seems to me to be a logical consequence for your partner's behavior. Could you terminate the contract?
I've got a couple boxes of
Submitted by redhead1017 on
I've got a couple boxes of things in there but the vast majority of stuff is his - he collects everything and has hoarding tendencies. Since he is unable to keep a job, the storages are both in my name so it would be a ding on my credit report.
He has no clue what our
Submitted by redhead1017 on
nevermind
Submitted by Standing on
Hi redhead1017...Not Nagging!
Submitted by c ur self on
Nagging is only nagging when you efforts to help are repeated...(saying the same things over and over)...Put it in writing once!!!
You have hit on the hardest thing for me...I know to "enable" is suicided with my wife...The only way we have progressed is that boundary (NO ENABLING) ...So what is loving your wife, and what is enabling your wife...This is the way I separate it...If she humbly receive my help with something as me just giving her a loving reminder then i try to be helpful in things...But, if she makes a statement: Such as I AM going to do this or that, without asking my input in anyway, which is fine but, I respect that statement, it hers...I set back and let her be responsible for that statement...Then when and if she tries to dump it back on me. I remind her of her statement and let her keep the monkey...Or at least that's my goal...But, because of legal issues, bill paying etc...I live completely separate form her in financially matters, as much as possible just for my sanity...She has her systems, and I have mine...If she was doing something that would ruin me financially of course I would have to confront it...counselor, lawyer whatever...A person has to do what they have to do...Good luck with this I know it's can be super frustrating....
Yes it IS super frustrating.
Submitted by redhead1017 on
Yes it IS super frustrating.
As far as the financial stuff - I am in charge of all the financial matters in our house. He has no idea what I make, or where the money goes, he just knows that the bills are paid. He used to spend several hundred dollars a month on his collection and thought he was being sly because he was using PayPal, uh DUH the receipts show up in our bank account! So now he's doing this thing where he goes and volunteers twice a week for 9 hours at a pop with his buddy who owns a junk shop, and they work out a trade arrangement. He brings home entire car loads of more stuff and then expects me to be happy, because at least he's not spending any money on his collection anymore. Can't win for losing.
As far as buying a house - his nephew is our broker, so that's why he's doing it. I would have had it done in a couple days. I just stopped asking about it last week because what's the point. We have a nice house, problem is it only has one bathroom and it would be nice to have another one. I don't mind not moving. I guess it's the principle of the thing - why in the world does it take him so long to do everything? Why can't he be relied upon to do ANYTHING?
There are only a couple things that he's taken upon to do himself in our household, and I absolutely can not offer any help. He gets very angry. So I have to choose - do I keep nagging him about cleaning out the storages and the back yard and the bottom half of our house (which he has promised to do for ten years, I work from home and have to squeeze in at the kitchen table while my office is full of his junk), or do I just turn a blind eye and realize that this is never going to happen?
Is that what living with ADHD really means? Just basically realizing that there are battles you can't win? Because that's what it feels like.
You just have to either
Submitted by c ur self on
You just have to either accept it or leave...Just reading your post hurts...because you are so wanting to CHANGE him....Look at your statements, 10 years? He's not changing, You got too!...You hate the situation your in and based on your posts...You are not willing to accept it...If your not willing to set boundaries, and give him an ultimatum about junk in the house or area's of the house...If I was you I would buy bins or just drag every thing in my way (your office) way and throw it in a pile and tell him...I am not living or being force to live in this Shit any longer! Sorry I get a little emotionally attached about abuse....I finally did it...(Boundary)...I told her I would never live in a house that doesn't stay pick up enough I can at least sweep and mop and vacuum!...Best thing I ever did, she hasn't went anywhere and what do you know she is capable of picking up a little herself..You have just got to decide if you matter or not...Courage and Action can take the place of bitching and nagging...Most of us in these marriages...Do not even know who we are any longer....So Sad!....And you know you don't have to be upset to do what's right...You just can't be fearful of what others thing about you having a life....Sorry If I vented, but I know what you are dealing with, and it can change...:)
You do what I did...you call
Submitted by SherriW13 on
You do what I did...you call and have a dumpster brought to your house and you clean it all out while he isn't home..or while he is, whatever works. I had to do this to make my life (and house) back otherwise I'd be drowning in his junk. It cost me $300 (you can get someone to split it with you if you could find someone) and they left it here for a month.
Go get your stuff out of storage. Then find a couple of teenagers with trucks who would be willing to haul it all off to the dump for you. I love my husband but I stopped caring about him being offended or upset if I throw out his completely useless crap. Honestly, he didn't have a whole lot to say about it and took it much better than I expected.
The End of Nagging - but what comes next??
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
Preface: I am an ADHD husband.
The title of your post is "The end of nagging - but what comes next?" My answer would be this: a husband who actually wants to spend time with you.
That was an incredibly rude
Submitted by redhead1017 on
That was an incredibly rude and insensitive response.
Rude?
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
I am sorry for my curt and flippant response. I was not trying to be rude. I was trying to tell you the literal truth from a husband's point of view, and I am sorry if doing so hurt your feelings. I don't know any man who enjoys spending time with his nagging wife. Nagging is one of the most destructive things a woman can do to her marriage. It would be unthinkable for any therapist to say, "Mrs. Jones, the problem here is that you are not nagging your husband enough." Nagging has never solved anything - it only creates animosity and resentment. A nagging wife will drive her husband away, one way or another, sooner or later.
Thank you for your kind and
Submitted by redhead1017 on
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response. :)
From my point of view, if I don't nag and let things just take their course, they never get done. Ever. Unless I take them over, which is what I usually end up doing. I can't let him just suffer the consequences of his inaction, because usually it's something that affects me as well.
From an ADHD husband point of view - what's your take? If your SO asks you to do something that's important, it's your responsibility, how do you handle it? What happens if you don't do it? I'm interested in hearing from the "other side", I truly am. I don't want to nag or have to keep reminding my DH all the time of simple tasks.
The husband has a
Submitted by lauren07 on
The husband has a responsibility to help stop the reasons behind the nagging. Just like mine hated being nagged, I'm not going to keep wanting someone that I have to nag, so the love died and festered.
Perhaps, you could buy a large board to write a checklist for him. I hear that can work. Then, remind him LOL to check the board. I'm kidding, sort of.
Me, I just take over things that take nagging. I make sure the two bills in our name get paid using his checking account. He doesn't mind. I let the things that don't affect me go, like HIS bike payment, and HIS school loan that the military would pay off of he'd stay on top of them. His Momma just keeps paying that bill. Whatever, I tried for years to get him to deal with it.
The only things I still remind him about are things pertaining to my son's safety and routine needs. "Did you brush his teeth?" "Remember, I like his dirty clothes in the upstairs hamper."
I'm now trying to learn to just get along with him. It's hard because I want so much better for him, but he's happy to just plod along.
I get it
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
@redhead1017 I get it completely. I sometimes get nagged about stuff, such as: picking up a stray drinking glass, pair of shoes, or something else out of place; paying a bill or some other household task previously promised; the usual things that you are familiar with. But not nearly as often as before I got help. I used to just say "ok" "later" "ya I'll get to it" "I promise I will do it" and of course it never got done. Who can blame a woman for bringing out her most powerful weapons at that point? lol.
But I have been dealing with my ADHD for a while now, and with the help of a coach this summer I have been able to make some improvements. One of these is my planner, in which I keep just about my entire life. It even has a section in the back on reminders about how normal people treat their wives, lol. When my wife asks me to do something, I try to do it IMMEDIATELY. And I mean immediately - drop what I am doing and do it. Otherwise I will forget. It's not as though I don't want to do it - I see these things as my responsibility, it's only fair that I pick up my own stuff and otherwise pull my weight. The problem is that I get distracted and forget, or I am just oblivious to what needs to be done. I could walk past my flip flops on the family room floor 10 times and not even notice them. It has nothing to do with laziness, it's ADHD at work. With stuff I can't do immediately, I put it on my to-do list in the planner, and I check that sucker at least twice per day. And my wife puts stuff on the list too, and we will prioritize them periodically (I have a difficult time prioritizing tasks). Sometimes I get annoyed when she verbally reminds me, or starts nagging, not because it's not justified but because I am annoyed with myself for not doing it in a timely manner. But now she usually won't say anything for quite a while if I don't do it (maybe weeks!), because she doesn't want the parent-child thing either, and now she trusts that I will eventually get to it. So I believe you when you say you don't want to keep reminding him. And my guess is that he doesn't want to be reminded. So perhaps try to work together to develop some sort of system by which he can be better equipped to take on the tasks himself, rather than being "managed" by you. My to-do list and planner works well for me, something similar might work for you.
One thing we both learned from Melissa's books is that when the nagging starts it means that my symptoms are not under control. Before I learned about what was really going on in the ADHD marriage, I attributed the negativity of nagging solely to her. Now I know it is a sign of her frustration with my symptoms, and it is my job to get them under control and the nagging will stop. When I said that nagging is very destructive to a marriage, I meant that it becomes so when the husband doesn't know where it is coming from, and the wife cannot think of an alternative way of dealing with the problem, a more creative way. What has helped my marriage is the combination of getting my symptoms under control and her starting to understand that the ADHD husband cannot be cured by nagging - all a wife can do is help him implement his own system of dealing with his ADHD. So if he is not working on getting his symptoms under control in a systematic and sustained way, there really is nothing you can do. In my case, it was the very real threat of divorce that forced me to get serious help and opened my eyes to how frustrating I can be to live with. She is a saint for putting up with it for all these years. A lesser woman would have been gone long ago. Feel free to follow up with more questions if you want. It seems to me from reading the women's comments on this forum that there is a lot of befuddlement about what is going on in their husbands' heads.
It sounds like you are doing
Submitted by lauren07 on
It sounds like you are doing good, that you are owning this adhd. I don't have it myself, but I still keep notes and do things immediately if possible. It just helps my life run more smoothly. At work, I have sticky notes all over and have a comprehensive filing system. I take notes like crazy so that I don't have to keep asking the same questions. It just works!
@NotAnIdiot
Submitted by bomont on
I am guessing that you moved back home, if so I am super happy for you. From an ADHD husband who has been there done that, please implore your wisdom and advise me how I can be a supportive wife to my ADHD husband without becoming his crutch. We have agreed to forgive the past and start fresh without our old expectations. I am looking at this like putting a puzzle together without knowing what the picture looks like but simply just trying the pieces together to see if it fits, as far as meds, therapy and exercise goes.
As an ADHD husband what would you like to see your non ADHD wife do and say things for and to you without her behaving like a mother to you. Any suggestions would greatly be appreciated. My husband and I have married 3 yrs so there hasn't been enough damage done that we can't come back from. My goal is to prevent this. There have been moments I have been completely emotionally exhausted and want to give up instead of wasting my time with him but I keep remembering what my dad told me on my wedding day and that is forgiving will not cause me physical death and so I keep thinking that as long as my husband doesn't abuse me, is an addict or a gambler, with lots of work put in from both of us, we would find a way or a variety of ways to adjust ourselves to ADHD.
I knew my husband was diagnosed and treated for ADHD when I met him but I failed us when I failed to become educated in his illness. Because of this, I just thought he was impetuous and irresponsible but now I know better.
Thank you in advance.
When I met my husband I was a
Submitted by SherriW13 on
When I met my husband I was a single mom and loved my life. I was content, I was happy, I laughed and had lots of friends and spent lots of time being social. He came in, swept me off of my feet, and seemed to be everything I'd ever wanted. I dated a few men between my divorce and meeting my current husband (who has ADHD...medicated but uncontrolled because of alcohol) and I had no desire to settle or get serious about anyone that wasn't exactly what I wanted. You said yourself, in another post, that you (ADHDers) try to conform and be everything others want you to be..and he did.
Over the course of the next 15 years, he cheated twice, never put in a good days work at any job he had...and lost three six figure jobs because of it, he spent money we didn't have, opened up new credit accounts without my knowledge, left me 100% in charge of finances, but never bothered to keep track of his spending or to let me know he'd spent $300 here, or $150 there...or made 15 stops at the convenience store in one week. Thank God for online banking. He started the relationship wanting the rule "we don't go out to bars without each other" and subtlely and methodically wormed out every friend I had by pitching tantrums and making my life hell anytime I ever wanted to do anything with anyone other than him. He went from wanting to be around me 24/7 to being completely inattentive. It was like once he had me, he didn't have to work at making me happy anymore. He changed all of the rules when it finally suited him to want to go out with his friends to bars...after I had basically no friends left. I didn't even work anymore, i stayed at home to care for our daughter and our son who is autistic.
I went from a very happy, easy going trusting person to an angry, controlling nag. I do not blame myself, I hadn't grown up in chaos and I had no idea how to deal with it all so I "adapted" in ways that evolved naturally. I tried to control everything because he was completely out of control most of the time. I grew to HATE the person I had become. I set out to change myself.
Now, after 17 years of marriage I love him and accept him and am kind to him. I don't criticize him. I support him. I bite my tongue when he says horrible things about me and just don't engage. On the rare occasion that I might get a little worked up and say something in defense of myself (not being critical to him) he repays me by leaving and refusing to come home...or be responding with ten times the velocity I responded with. I won't fight in front of the kids, so he takes total advantage of that. I am a great person, I am funny, I love to laugh and I cannot stand when there isn't peace and harmony. I don't fuss, cuss, nag, b!tch or complain. He has taken every ounce of fight I had in me out by matching my frustrations with something much more fierce...and, in the past, scary. He still says things like "I can't come home..I know we'll fight" when we havent fought, especially not at home, in almost two years. It is bullsh!t.
So tell me how you explain to me that the tables turned, I stopped nagging...and now his behavior is just getting worse and worse. He literally will sometimes say he hates being here. I know it isn't me. I know I don't make it unpleasant for him. I haven't for a very, very long time. So, I'm sorry but your theory that ADHDers are victims of nagging and that's why they do what they do is complete hog wash. In fact, the bigger b!tch I am to him, the more he stays at home...but that isn't who I am, isn't who I want to be, and I just can't. It isn't natural to me anymore.
Personally, I think he saw the nagging as "normal" since it is all he knew growing up..fighting and chaos...and now that I'm done fighting with him and ready to move to a more mature level in life, he's scared. He's scared that I'm going to move on without him. He claims he does not know how to be nice to me because no one ever taught him how to be nice. Again, BS.
No matter how this reads, I love him as much today as I did the day I married him. He's my best friend. I truly want him to be happy and to find peace in his own skin. I would gladly walk away today if I thought that it would make him happy. I would do anything for him to be happy. I'm not bitter or angry or resentful. I just want him to be happy and I want to be happy. The nicer I am to him, the worse he treats me.
Some of your story rings true
Submitted by lauren07 on
Some of your story rings true for me.
When I quit nagging and fighting, he followed me around picking fights or trying to fight via text, making himself the victim.
When I still kept my cool, he asked me to leave. I was ready to, so I did.
It's a real shame:/
Your story rings true with me as well.
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Before I met H I was a very content and happy person with pretty good self esteem. I had friends I could go out with without worrying about anyone getting upset. I just wanted to meet someone. He came and swept me away with all his attention. We lived long distance for 4 years until I moved out to be with him. Slowly I lost my self esteem due to never being able to do anything "right" and therefore never really wanting to do ANYTHING but sit and watch tv when he was in the room because I would be told how "wrong" it was and he would have to show me the right way. It is the same today, 5 years later.
And I never really realized up until about 8 months ago that he really isn't happy when I have plans that don't include him. I worked from home for 4 years after I moved here so didn't have coworkers and never really made friends easily here other than wives of his friends. Then when I got this job I made friends with coworkers and there are a lot of after work functions that I don't go to because I went to two in a month's time and both times got sarcastic comments from him when I got home like "Are you drunk?" and "Thanks for letting me know you weren't going to be home until later". It is to the point where I am freaked out to tell him I am going out with ANYONE but him so I make up excuses to everyone and stay home. Yet when I do stay home rather than go out (and I DO let him know that I could be out but instead am sitting here with him!) Then he says "Well why DON'T you go out then? I'm fine with that". No you aren't! The whole time I'm out I'll feel like I'm on a time schedule and wondering how pissed he'll be when I return!
So yes, I have lost much of my self esteem and general happiness because I am always trying to please him and keep harmony.
My husband and I have been
Submitted by lauren07 on
My husband and I have been separated for about two years now and he still gets cranky when I go out with friends. Grrrrr
Friends are so important
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
Mapper, Lauren07, and others,
I read here often how husbands try to control their wives' relationships beyond the marriage. Again, it is important that I point out that this kind of behavior has nothing to do with ADHD. These are just the acting out behaviors of controlling men who are often narcissistic and want their wives to themselves because deep down they are extremely insecure and are afraid that outside influences will threaten the control they have over you.
It is so important that you extend yourselves beyond your partners, present or ex. Having others as a support system is of great value when life at home isn't fulfilling or nurturing. I, myself, have a handful of women friends who I get together with at least once a month, and at the end of our time together, I feel renewed and rejuvenated in ways that heighten my self-esteem, and remind me that it's good to be alive. It's important to have other women in our lives that can do that for us. Otherwise, you can get mired in the day to day doldrums of unsatisfying relationships that leave you feeling victimized and continuously down in the dumps.
So, no matter what his reaction is, so be it. It's still worth it to have that time to be yourself and enjoy the company of others who are like minded, and who have a more expansive perspective of what life is all about. It can only help as a way to lift yourself out of what can seem like a pretty desperate place some times. I encourage you to take advantage of other's invitations, and venture out beyond the tyranny of your husband's selfishness. It would really do you some good.
It took me a very long time
Submitted by SherriW13 on
It took me a very long time to GET what was happening. When I am somewhere that he dies not want me to be, he bullies me with words, threats of leaving, and attitude. Once I recognized this, I started pointing it out to him. He does not like to be called a bully but that is what he is doing plain and simple. On his good days, he admits it and says his dad was the same way with his mom.
He is indeed insecure and afraid and depending on the situation, his behavior can range from mild to flat out verbal and mental abuse. Part of his problem is that I've faced my fears and am pushing through and doing what needs to be done..what I need to do for me and my kids..and he is losing power over me and it scares him. I think he is in the worst storm of his life knowing that he really is going to have to ramp up his efforts or he will, indeed, lose me. It hasn't been easy, but I'm standing my ground.
I think you have struck a
Submitted by MFrances on
I think you have struck a cord with most of us. Shouldn't nag-all the books and experts say that. But then how do you get the things you want done, that he says he will do-to get done? Frustrating is an understatement. With the house, if you want to move then I would get the paperwork together myself and get the ball rolling (again). If you are content in staying, be honest with the nephew and say your husband won't follow through and you feel like you are wasting his time. I've started to do that with people. So the storage units, that would drive me nuts! Are you willing to go in and throw everything away? Give him a deadline ( I do this too-you have until this date until I either do it myself or hire someone). Or I think the other poster may be right, stop paying and let the items get auctioned off (after taking out your stuff). let your husband know you are stopping payment. The insurance is a tough one-you can't let the natural consequences of not having his own insurance affect him because you have to pay for his medication. When he gets sued, are you included? I don't know how this works, how does the bill get settled, would you be held liable too just because you are married? I'm guessing yes. Could you separate so the finances can be separate? I know that is so drastic and I hate to mention it but I just think about your finances. It is so incredibly sad and frustrating to not be able to rely on your spouse. So many of us are in the same boat, if that helps at all.