Our Live Couples' Seminar starts on Jan 22, 2025! Register HERE!
Looking for a little more support? Join one of our Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups. First support group starts on Jan 13, 2025. Find all our support group options HERE.
Turn your knowledge into actionable steps to improve your relationship. Join us on Jan 14, 2025 to learn about our new program, Intent 2 Action. Sign up NOW.
Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."
I'm so sorry for the feelings you describe. I recognize the things you mention. I know how exhausting it is never to be able to relax.
It's really hard to get used to the ADHD. I've lived 20+ years with my husband and haven't succeeded. Sometimes I think it's all about the parts of me I can't control. Preference that doesn't change. I'm problem-solving oriented so I engage in our communication and try to make arrangements to side-step the ADD or solve our conflicts. It makes for a sense of purpose. I feel that purpose the strongest when some acute threat to our relationship has been everted. But when nothing urgent claims my attention, those flat hours, I become aware of how uncomfortable I am at home. It's maybe like not being able to bear a certain climate, or sleeping in a tent with mosquitoes. I can't get used to the ADD.
And, I wonder sometimes, is it possible or even ideal to try to not feel the irritation and discomfort? I tend to be crass. A bad situation doesn't turn into a good one just because you want it to. There's not much to suggest anything will change much.
I think, since you don't have children, nobody could blame you for choosing whatever direction feels more true to yourself. I think we shouldn't underestimate even the small ways in which we need to adjust our position in the world to feel comfortable and at ease.
I understand completely how you want to consider all the good things your current life with your partner brings. Especially since he is good and caring. But I'd understand if you were to rather lose those things to have a chance of harmony and liking yourself again. Believe me, I wish for that, too.
Hello, and thank you for your explanation. It is possible right? To live with it as a non, I mean both you and I have done it now for 20 plus years. Granted I just learned what the reason is for some of the issues, but still I think if I lived with it that long, maybe now I can view it differently and continue to live with it. But then a circumstance pops up, as they do all the time, that reminds me I dont have much of a partner in life to help me with something I would see as normal for couples to discuss and its depressing again. Then at my age, I think of what life will be like and I know I dont want any other relationships so I will do life alone, but without the constant frustration and disappointment, and that does sound good, peaceful, easier, but its hard to make that break since he really really doesnt want me to do that. Then some days he feels its not fair for him to drag my life down (his words) and thinks he should just leave. With his inability to stick to one decision I worry that he really may want to leave, but forgets it. I picture him living alone and now that I know what I know, I would worry about him even though Im sure he would be ok. Its all soooo confusing, like I said at times I feel like a bad person for not just accepting him as he is, it makes me feel selfish and guilty.
I think it's possible to live with ADHD and if you want to, there are some ways to minimize the impact of ADHD on you. However, what I found is that it doesn't leave much room for a real relationship. All I was doing was working around the ADHD, disconnecting myself with boundaries and feeling miserable because I wasn't getting any of my needs met.
You sound like someone who is putting the needs of others ahead of your own. I used to do that and still do sometimes. I really have to remind myself that my needs and wants matter equally... and honestly, people aren't even aware that you're constantly sacrificing to make their lives better/easier. I would highly recommend a therapist just for yourself to help you prioritize yourself.
What I really wanted to reassure you of is that you're right... he will really be okay if he ends up on his own. My ex husband doesn't live how you or I or most people would live now that he's on his own. In two years, he's used his stove 3 times. He eats fast food. He washes the same t-shirt, jeans and pair of underwear over and over because he can't handle dealing with a wardrobe. He has 3 spoons and that's all he needs. He never bothered to set up his microwave. His house is a mess with virtually no furniture. He sleeps at what most would consider outlandish times, etc. BUT it works for him. That would NOT work for a family or relationship. I can see that he's relieved to be able to let the ADHD run the show and I am relieved to no longer be literally dragging him through what most would consider a "normal" life with family meal times, a tidy house, planned outings, time for connection, etc. Yes, he'd rather us be together... BUT with me carrying 100% of the load again. But on his own, he's honestly "fine" even if it doesn't look typical. I hope you could absolve yourself of the responsibility you feel for him if you split. He can take care of himself in his way and you could focus on your wonderful, deserving self. :)
You identified one of my concerns, would it be a real relationship again? Probably not, it would have to be a new normal. I do worry about him in that fact as much as me, he thinks he can be just fine in our semi-distant relationship, but then the next day he says no he would like more. So I do worry that his needs wont really be met either. I admit Im not as lovey dovey as I used to be, he still is. For me when we lost the connection, some of that went away too and he misses it. Some days he says its enough and then some days he says its not so I always wonder how he really feels. He appreciates everything I do for him and doesnt want to start over either but sometimes we both miss that closeness that I now doubt will ever come back. Its hard for me to feel close to someone who cant connect with me. I guess Im just as gulity of it, some days I think this is enough, he loves me and appreciates me and thats all I need, then some days it hits me that I wish I had more. BUT, at the same time I am too exhausted now to even think about another relationship ever again, it took us 25 years to figure out he has adhd, whats to say I wouldnt end up in the same situation again? Thank you for your concern about me, and I think I do take care of me, but I cant help but worry about him. The description you had is what I imagine for him, and he has said it would be fine, but I find it sad to think of. You give me something to think about, what are my needs that Im not getting? If Im single, I still wont get some of it right? But I would be without the frustrations I guess, but is that reason enough? Geesh, this is not where I thought I would be in life this age. He worries that adhd will turn into Dementia, his dad just passed and had it the last 5 years of his life and he is adamant that he will not do that to me, that in itself makes him want to leave me. I feel for him, I would not want him to be alone IF he ever did get Dementia
I can understand your worries about your husband but he's a full grown adult and he can take care of himself . That's how I kept mothering my ex but now we are divorced, he's doing perfectly ofine on his own with his ADHD life . He even says he's happy he has his own space and can do his own things . They don't like 3rd party responsibilities but they are fine on their own.
God forbid something happens to you and you can't help him, he will adapt or find someone else . Pls focus on you . For us women with ADHD spouse, the parent- child dynamic plays out a lot more because we are naturally nurturers.
So sorry
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm so sorry for the feelings you describe. I recognize the things you mention. I know how exhausting it is never to be able to relax.
It's really hard to get used to the ADHD. I've lived 20+ years with my husband and haven't succeeded. Sometimes I think it's all about the parts of me I can't control. Preference that doesn't change. I'm problem-solving oriented so I engage in our communication and try to make arrangements to side-step the ADD or solve our conflicts. It makes for a sense of purpose. I feel that purpose the strongest when some acute threat to our relationship has been everted. But when nothing urgent claims my attention, those flat hours, I become aware of how uncomfortable I am at home. It's maybe like not being able to bear a certain climate, or sleeping in a tent with mosquitoes. I can't get used to the ADD.
And, I wonder sometimes, is it possible or even ideal to try to not feel the irritation and discomfort? I tend to be crass. A bad situation doesn't turn into a good one just because you want it to. There's not much to suggest anything will change much.
I think, since you don't have children, nobody could blame you for choosing whatever direction feels more true to yourself. I think we shouldn't underestimate even the small ways in which we need to adjust our position in the world to feel comfortable and at ease.
I understand completely how you want to consider all the good things your current life with your partner brings. Especially since he is good and caring. But I'd understand if you were to rather lose those things to have a chance of harmony and liking yourself again. Believe me, I wish for that, too.
thank you for your reply
Submitted by doghome on
Hello, and thank you for your explanation. It is possible right? To live with it as a non, I mean both you and I have done it now for 20 plus years. Granted I just learned what the reason is for some of the issues, but still I think if I lived with it that long, maybe now I can view it differently and continue to live with it. But then a circumstance pops up, as they do all the time, that reminds me I dont have much of a partner in life to help me with something I would see as normal for couples to discuss and its depressing again. Then at my age, I think of what life will be like and I know I dont want any other relationships so I will do life alone, but without the constant frustration and disappointment, and that does sound good, peaceful, easier, but its hard to make that break since he really really doesnt want me to do that. Then some days he feels its not fair for him to drag my life down (his words) and thinks he should just leave. With his inability to stick to one decision I worry that he really may want to leave, but forgets it. I picture him living alone and now that I know what I know, I would worry about him even though Im sure he would be ok. Its all soooo confusing, like I said at times I feel like a bad person for not just accepting him as he is, it makes me feel selfish and guilty.
You're not a bad person
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I think it's possible to live with ADHD and if you want to, there are some ways to minimize the impact of ADHD on you. However, what I found is that it doesn't leave much room for a real relationship. All I was doing was working around the ADHD, disconnecting myself with boundaries and feeling miserable because I wasn't getting any of my needs met.
You sound like someone who is putting the needs of others ahead of your own. I used to do that and still do sometimes. I really have to remind myself that my needs and wants matter equally... and honestly, people aren't even aware that you're constantly sacrificing to make their lives better/easier. I would highly recommend a therapist just for yourself to help you prioritize yourself.
What I really wanted to reassure you of is that you're right... he will really be okay if he ends up on his own. My ex husband doesn't live how you or I or most people would live now that he's on his own. In two years, he's used his stove 3 times. He eats fast food. He washes the same t-shirt, jeans and pair of underwear over and over because he can't handle dealing with a wardrobe. He has 3 spoons and that's all he needs. He never bothered to set up his microwave. His house is a mess with virtually no furniture. He sleeps at what most would consider outlandish times, etc. BUT it works for him. That would NOT work for a family or relationship. I can see that he's relieved to be able to let the ADHD run the show and I am relieved to no longer be literally dragging him through what most would consider a "normal" life with family meal times, a tidy house, planned outings, time for connection, etc. Yes, he'd rather us be together... BUT with me carrying 100% of the load again. But on his own, he's honestly "fine" even if it doesn't look typical. I hope you could absolve yourself of the responsibility you feel for him if you split. He can take care of himself in his way and you could focus on your wonderful, deserving self. :)
That’s good
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Another excellent post, Melody.
Thank you
Submitted by doghome on
You identified one of my concerns, would it be a real relationship again? Probably not, it would have to be a new normal. I do worry about him in that fact as much as me, he thinks he can be just fine in our semi-distant relationship, but then the next day he says no he would like more. So I do worry that his needs wont really be met either. I admit Im not as lovey dovey as I used to be, he still is. For me when we lost the connection, some of that went away too and he misses it. Some days he says its enough and then some days he says its not so I always wonder how he really feels. He appreciates everything I do for him and doesnt want to start over either but sometimes we both miss that closeness that I now doubt will ever come back. Its hard for me to feel close to someone who cant connect with me. I guess Im just as gulity of it, some days I think this is enough, he loves me and appreciates me and thats all I need, then some days it hits me that I wish I had more. BUT, at the same time I am too exhausted now to even think about another relationship ever again, it took us 25 years to figure out he has adhd, whats to say I wouldnt end up in the same situation again? Thank you for your concern about me, and I think I do take care of me, but I cant help but worry about him. The description you had is what I imagine for him, and he has said it would be fine, but I find it sad to think of. You give me something to think about, what are my needs that Im not getting? If Im single, I still wont get some of it right? But I would be without the frustrations I guess, but is that reason enough? Geesh, this is not where I thought I would be in life this age. He worries that adhd will turn into Dementia, his dad just passed and had it the last 5 years of his life and he is adamant that he will not do that to me, that in itself makes him want to leave me. I feel for him, I would not want him to be alone IF he ever did get Dementia
He’s An Adult
Submitted by nefun76 on
I can understand your worries about your husband but he's a full grown adult and he can take care of himself . That's how I kept mothering my ex but now we are divorced, he's doing perfectly ofine on his own with his ADHD life . He even says he's happy he has his own space and can do his own things .
They don't like 3rd party responsibilities but they are fine on their own.
God forbid something happens to you and you can't help him, he will adapt or find someone else . Pls focus on you . For us women with ADHD spouse, the parent- child dynamic plays out a lot more because we are naturally nurturers.
Submitted by Swedish coast on