I am so glad I found ADHD & Marriage, Melissa Orlov, her books and online seminars because I can relate with so much of what is shared. I've wanted to comment for a long time. I feel like I need a sense of community, support which I feel when learning about ADHD, going to counseling,etc. The big 'however' is my spouse with ADHD who doesn't follow through, forgets, is emotionally unconnected ( not just with me), doesn't put things aways, loses things, etc. I have been in therapy for many years with the issue of marriage always the main focus. We've been to 6 couple's counselors in the past 14 yrs, only for my husband to stop after a few sessions each time, except the past 4 years ( of which we've seen 4 therapists because of moves we've made for my husbands jobs) in which he has been open to going regularly. ADHD Dx was not made until 3 yrs ago...what a big light bulb that went off for me! That's when I found Melissa Orlov.
So my feeling trapped is because I feel like I do 85% of our family/household stuff, kids, pets, etc. And the 15% my husband does with my asking and reminding and asking again! My husband makes promise after promise to change ( he started individual counseling this Spring which I am thankful for) and I can see some small, slow change. I feel he uses this against me or gets defensive when I express frustration at what I perceive as lack of progress. It all feels too little too late. I don't understand. If I knew the "3 legs of the stool" to treatment mentioned in ADHD Effects on Relationships, I think I would do them if I knew it was helpful 1st for me mentally and physically, and 2nd that it would positively impact those around me. Why doesn't my husband? We've been married 20 yrs with 3 fabulous children. I love him and care about him however I don't feel in love with him because the message I receive over and over and over from his forgetfulness, irresponsibility, emotional disconnect is that "I don't matter". It hurts and I know I deserve more.
Thank you for "listening":)
Your story is the story of so many of us...
Submitted by c ur self on
(the message I receive over and over and over from his forgetfulness, irresponsibility, emotional disconnect is that "I don't matter".)
Has your husband every told you that you don't matter?? Your husband would probably never tell you this, (nor my wife, me) because it just isn't true....No matter how we perceive or judge their ability to live life....This comment may seem difficult to swallow, but the fact is he will never be able to live up to the expectations you are setting. Nor will he ever be able to think and live like you do....
I've fought the same battle you have...But, at some point we have to accept the reality of what it's like to function in their mind...Especially when it comes to distraction, time management, remembering short term, organization skills among others....We can press them all we want, but it want change anything...Except our relationships to them, and not for the better as you have clearly found out....And sadly so have I....
You don't have to agree with the way he manages his life or the way he is capable of managing his life....To accept he is doing his best....And it's just who he is.....
It is the only way for you or me to have any peace...Acceptance of the reality that stands before us....We have to let it go!...We must turn inward...manage our own life and attempt to live in an under standing manner with them, just as they must do for us....
The only other option I have found is to leave...Or keep being miserable....I'm not planning on leaving, and I'm sick of being miserable....
It's definitely a good sign in my eyes that he is in counseling to help himself....Encouragement and positive attitudes go a long way....
whether we have adhd or not....we should remember a few things....Thoughts = Feelings = Behaviors....Also we should ask ourselves each day...Where is my energy being placed?? And how is my attitude??
Thankfulness always helps:)
Blessings to you tbayer
C
Forgiveness, Gratitude, attitude
Submitted by tbayer on
Thank you C for the reminders! You are correct that he would never tell me I didn't matter.
I do not want to be miserable any more, however. I want love and connection w/ my spouse, which he says is difficult for him. I reach out to friends and different support groups to fill this void, although not exactly the same.
I have been trying to do all I can on my side because I have wanted my marriage to work. I try to detach from him lovingly, from expectations, from judgment. It's hard!
Thank you again for taking the time to respond:)
Take care of yourself tbayer...
Submitted by c ur self on
(however. I want love and connection w/ my spouse)
Yes tbayer!, Yes we do:)...But this human desire, this human need of mine, and the attempts to seek for it, is where I have found so much of my pain. (Looking for what isn't available)...So many minds are not capable of sharing in a healthy human connection, where two becomes one.... This is just a fact...Her attempts to give her time, attention and care to me and the things that revolve around our marriage is at best spotty, and gilt driven (victim minded)....I could put a page full of scenarios' on this post, but, you and many who read here, who have been married for any length of time, could do the same.
Yes tbayer, it is very very hard to accept that this is our reality with our mates...We look at them, engage them, love them and we think this thought; "What could be"...So we work real hard to be to them, what we want them to be to us...But after a while we come to realize that all we are accomplishing is the making of and even more self centered spoiled person who is blind to the work they should be putting into the relationship. They will ware you completely out, if you allow it.....So then we try to verbally point it out...And we just get what you got...It's hard for me...That is if your mate is aware and not in denial...Those who's spouses lives in a mind of denial and blame just finds a way to flip it, and blame you for their failures in being a H or W...We must accept their truth...It is hard for them, it's impossible for many of them. Like I said, its just the facts, I can accept it for the reality it is... or I can fight against it...
It's really not fair to either partner (especially minor children suffer) to keep this uncomfortable conflict going on and on and on...Some of these posters have been married 30 or more years and still find it. as you say, HARD to let it go, to accept the reality of their spouses mind...It's a daily effort for me, and I'm sure it is for most who live in such circumstances...
I keep reminders for myself, and for my wife, (whether she reads it or not. lol) written on our mirror in the bathroom w/ an erasable marker...The current one's say this....
Thoughts = Feelings = Behaviors...
What am I doing with my Energy??
How is my Attitude??
**Never ask of others, what you are unwilling to give of yourself**
C
Acceptance of Reality and Being Attracted
Submitted by MrsADD on
This is actually what my therapist has me working on. She has told me it is ok that you don't know if you want to stay married (mostly due to financial and 2 small kids and one on the way, not love) but you must accept the reality of the person you are dealing with or you will always be disapointed and miserable. Stop expecting. It is what it is. Everytime you expect something substract the reality of what you know will happen and find a solution to what is left. Example: I was very ill for 10 days while 8 months pregnant with a respitraory virus. I know from past experience my ADHD H will have to be told to help and not offer, almost be irritated I am sick and incapable, and hyperfocus on what is irritating him about me being sick. I needed to rest. I first of course asked him to help b/c they are his kids, and if that did not work I already had a back up plan of my network of mom friends I have built out of necessity of living in a place with no family and a husband with adhd. Instead of expecting and being disappointed in what I already knew would happen "fishing trumped helping sick prego wife" I was not disappointed but relieved I had planned for help. He did show up for the occassion 1 day and took the kids for 8 hours. It was a good rest day for me. The rest of the time I had friends take the kids and stayed home from work while they were at daycare.
Now that leads me to the other issue I am now dealing with. While not setting expectations on an actual need/task or event is getting easier, being attracted to someone I cannot ever depend on is very hard. That is what I struggle with right now. Attraction to the acceptance I can never depend on this person I married to be there when I need them, which is not often b/c I am very independent but I have my moments like every normal person. Just am not finding the will to be attracted and not sure what to do with this b/c I am done expecting change or action from him. I have decided to take charge of my life and like Melissa Orlove's books states change what you have control over and you do not have control over other people. I am forging my life ahead but he will just stay running in circles around himself. How long can I stay with that?
MrsADD...few things to remember....
Submitted by c ur self on
Selfishness isn't ADHD, ADHD is a mind issue, selfishness is a heart issue....You are in a good place in my opinion (glad you got counseling)...High functioning adhd minded people are capable of being great w/ kids, great w/ household tasks, great spouses and great business people...*WHEN* they have a heart capable of placing priority where it belongs....
Your spouse sounds like he needs to slide his fishing priority underneath his priority to be a loving Husband and Father...He just needs to redirect his energy....He could use some wise counsel himself....
How long can you stay like that? As long as you stay thankful for each new day, and those precious children that love Mommy:)...Try to not become a victim...Pray and believe....You are loved more than you know...We all are.....
Blessings
C
I Understand
Submitted by ImFromMars on
tbayer - your post just hit me to the bone as you describe what many of us, including myself go through. I'm one of the unique ones where it is my wife that suffers from ADHD and I have to pick up the slack. We've been married more than 25 years and have 5 children and there wasn't a week that went by during that time that I didn't step outside and look up to heaven and cry for help with my loneliness. The disconnect is real and their inability to connect is real also. I too have taken up other activities to fill up my time and allow me to connect with other adults in a healthy way. I can't tell you that all will be fine or that things will get better because for me they haven't. We have done marriage counseling for a long time (over 15 years) with very little progress. All I can tell you is that my children, some of whom are now married, have thanked me for being there for their mom and not tearing the family apart to pursue my needs. So I serve my wife and provide for her needs the best I can with an understanding that she does not have the capacity to fulfill my needs. Yes, my house is messy because she can't figure out how to take care of it; yes, she spends money that we don't have at times and I have to get us out of debt; yes, she has been fired from every job she's attempted to have (usually after 4-5 months). Yes, life with an ADHD spouse is not easy and it's not the "normal" married life most people enjoy. I guess one either accepts it and works within its parameters or the move on. All I can say is that you're not alone.