Hi, I've been lurking here for almost 3 years, but this is my first time posting. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, but his parents didn't pursue any treatment. He is now in his late 40s and was re-diagnosed in 2012. He has sporadically pursued treatment since then, but that only happens when I tell him that I just can't taking living with him and that I want a divorce. This last time, I reinforced my words with actions: I've moved into the guest room, separated our bank accounts, and informed him that I plan to file for a no-fault divorce in 18 months. He says he "loves" me and wants to work on our marriage. He is currently taking 10mg of Focalin a day (but I never see any difference between how he is when he takes meds and how he is when he does not). He been seeing a behavioral therapist once a week since the end of September to work on strategies to better manage his ADHD, but I doubt he'll ever really be able to control his more troubling behavior because he's oblivious when he's doing it and if I point it out to him, then I'm just "criticizing." I've read so many articles about how non-ADHD spouses "feel unloved" because the ADHD spouses don't pay attention to them, but I was wondering if there were others, like me, out there who don't doubt their partner's love as much as they find their partner's love feels meaningless or worthless. We've begun working with a marriage counselor recently, but I don't know if it's really worth doing if this is how I feel. Has anyone else gotten to this point and been able to get back to finding meaning and/or worth in their partner's "love"?
Feeling "unloved" vs. Having "love" that is worthless
Submitted by Mrs_J on 11/30/2014.
I feel as though my husband's
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I feel as though my husband's love for me is meaningless. I feel unloved, but I don't argue with my husband's claims that he loves me. I don't dispute other people's feelings in general; I don't know what's inside their heads. All I know is what they say and what they do. In my husband's case, he says he loves me but the actions (almost total lack of communication (we live apart), him telling me he can't take care of me and our kids because he can barely take care of himself, him providing minimal financial support, him providing no emotional support, etc.) result in that love feeling meaningless and worthless to me. We're still married but for almost all practical purposes and in my heart, I feel like a widow or a divorced person.
they say the words - and yet.
Submitted by Kat'sKoaster on
they say the words - and yet..........my heart breaks almost everyday. In all my reading, I find NO answers. My husband has just begun to talk about the possibility of being ADD/ADHD as a child, but 'must have grown out of it' - this is only because we (and I use that term loosely) have just had our daughter assessed for ADD. While talking to him, and mentioning that it is thought to be hereditary, I thought perhaps......just maybe......he would see it in himself. Maybe it could be a starting point for some help.....maybe my life would not just be wasted......but idk.....I am not seeing it. I am so *very* tired.
I hear you
Submitted by Best2You on
I first found out about ADHD when researching possible reasons for my child's behavior. I was glad to find an explanation for his behavior, but the more I read, the more I actually saw myself AND my husband (different symptoms) in these descriptions. For me it was eye opening to find this out about myself, I'm not embarrassed or afraid, it only makes me want to learn more and although hard I'm trying to find ways to manage it. I thought it would have the same effect on him. I told him about it being hereditary, but he said it was a made up disorder. I sent him links to different articles and websites. Did not read any of them. On some occasions he admits to having it as a child, but says he "outgrew" it or his symptoms are now under control. I hear you!
Best2You
What I have learned about myself
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Kat'sKoaster,
I had placed myself in an impossible situation. My goal had been to get my spouse "to SEE." To acknowledge the issues caused by negative ADHD behaviors. My reality was that if he could not see it, then maybe they were not real.
Now I realize that is a bunch of hogwash. I had the tail waggin' the dog. I do not need anyone to tell me what MY reality is - what I need is for me to acknowledge it when I see it!
I also had used some words synonymously - like 'marriage ' 'love' 'romance'
There is the 'love' that I give, the 'love' that I receive, and also the verb - what I do - love. I love my children. I love my parents. I love my friends. I DO NOT have a marriage commitment with them.
Marriage is no longer something that I have to prove. Or live up to in the eye's of others. I spent many years trying to untangle the fact that I was stuck - since I promised God - on my wedding day. The reality is, the words that I repeated and recited to my spouse were the same that he recited and repeated to me. I truly believe in the proverbial strength of the 'cord of three strands' - me, my spouse and God. As long as all three are bound together, then there is strength.
Marriage is a life commitment to LIVE - not endure in misery because I am stuck. I am not in a commitment. Our relationship could be spliced back together - but I cannot do it myself. Being yelled at is not love. Having my requests ignored is not love. Overrunning decision we made together is not love. Having to have everything done the way he wants, is not love. Leaving all the responsibility to me is not love. Yelling at me - for the first time in our 30 years to "F**k it" that is just - - - - harsh. hurtful. Not acceptable. It is actually disrespectful. I need no one to tell me what my boundary is on that. I do not allow people to swear at me - and think it is OK. I am still reeling from that. It feels one tenth of an inch away from a slap. I was - yes indeed - horrified.
Renegotiate our life - that would feel like love. Respecting what I desire - that would feel like love. Saying I am sorry - that would feel like love. Asking what can be done to turn this mess around - that would be love.
I spent the past 4 years on this forum looking for help ito understand the thing called ADHD. I have learned a lot. I have had my eyes open to what ADHD is NOT. There is more going on with my spouse than just ADHD. I didn't cause it. I can't control it. And I can't cure it. The struggles are obvious to me, and many other people who love my spouse. We are all concerned.
It is time for me to step by step, in clarity.with compassion, find out how to separate because Liz NEEDS it - NOT because of my spouse's behavior.. Until he chooses to want to understand, or try to negotiate, there is nothing in this relationship for me. Ir died. Dried up. I have been doing relationship CPR for 5 years. I am disconnecting that artificial life support.
It is sad. I recently realized that the mourning of the loss of my marriage has been happening for at least a year. I really know I want to live. In joy. In freedom. And from a lady who despised swearing, did not allow swearing in our home, "F**k it" was a shotgun blast that cannot be undone.
Liz
Your eloquent words hit me like a ton of bricks
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Mrs_J,
". . . who don't doubt their partner's love as much as they find their partner's love feels meaningless or worthless."
The love I am offered is not life-fulfilling, nor does it feel nice, nor does it resemble any part of my description of what love means.
And when I try to explain how I feel,, the end result is my spouse responds with "YOU ARE REJECTING ME. YOU ARE SAYING I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH."
He cannot get past that. So we cannot move forward in any sort of therapy. In as much as that is what happens - Liz gets lost and it is all about him.
"Has anyone else gotten to this point and been able to get back to finding meaning and/or worth in their partner's "love"?" My answer to your question is "Not yet."
Wow. really, your words have been so insightful to me today. Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts. They have value to me.
Liz
Hello Mrs J...
Submitted by c ur self on
Isn't love between a husband and wife suppose to be a daily show of commitment to the relationship and the responsibilities of facing life together in a interdependent manner?
The Vows we spoke, I will and I do? Are there people who's minds are not capable of committed love, even if their hearts are?
I've often had thoughts like: I hope I do not get disabled...Why do I feel this way? Well, it's because what are simple daily responsibilities to me, are huge ordeals/ emergencies to her. There is no way there is room for anything extra...
Meaningless or Worthless? Yes, I do, to a point...Life is so overwhelming to her, she is so self-absorbed, so burdened by her hunger for co-dependency, it leaves little time to consider my needs. Most of the time, I feel nothing coming back.
The trap then becomes to seek love...and love can't be sought...It can only be given and experienced...
c ur self and others
Submitted by Best2You on
c ur self and others
I get what you are saying about the love not being there for you, or not understanding their "kind" of love because it doesn't feel like it. I've been there. I've felt unloved, unappreciated, used, cheated, taken advantage of, you name it, all while my spouse repeatedly assured he loved me for years. But thinking about it this way only builds resentment and you become a victim. Last year I was able to let go of my resentment. I cried like never before for a while, I couldn't stop! It was like someone lifted a curtain or heavy burden I carried inside. I do not question his love, its more about the actions which I know are guided by his ADHD.
What upsets me now is that I know it will be VERY HARD for him to change something that has shaped who he has become in 40+ years. I know it's not impossible, but both him and I have to be committed to the uphill battle with the condition FOREVER. Don't know if he's willing to take the challenge (learn about the condition, seek treatment, work on changing his ways, etc.) or if I have the ENERGY to be supportive during the ups and downs that will come during the process, having my own ADD to manage while working full time and trying to be a descent mother to my kids. Just the thought of it is daunting!
Hope for the best for all of you!
Best2you...
Submitted by c ur self on
It was like someone lifted a curtain or heavy burden I carried inside. It was someone, because he lifted it for me also...:)
I don't feel resentment most
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I don't feel resentment most of the time. I accept that my husband doesn't show love. But part of the acceptance that my husband doesn't show love rests on my acceptance of the fact that he won't change. If he was going to change, he would have done so already.