Hello Everyone,
I have been looking for you for almost 9 years.
Let me introduce myself and explain. I am the non-ADHD Husband of an ADHD wife.I didn't realise this was the case until a few years back, and I didnt realise that this was one of our main issues until the last few weeks.
Let me preface this by saying I am no saint, neither am I a victim. I have my own deficiencies which I need to work on, and I am blessed to have a lovely wife and 3 children (one of them also most likely ADHD).
However, there is a constant cycle in our relationship of; mess, arguments, cleaning, more mess, more cleaners, more mess.... and it goes on....
I am not a neat freak, but I like things tidied and organised, my wife just doesnt live in this space at all. There is so much mess and disorganisation everywhere. I have a network of support I reach out to for help, but until I found this website, I just never believd there would be any practical solutions.
Apart from mess, there is also the issue with 'planning'. I would like to plan for things in advance e.g. days out with the kids, holiday, when will we clean something. My wife does not live in this space at all. She won't (read can't) plan in this way at all.
This overlaps into other areas also; money, a parent-child dynamic, impulsivity. One example; She is not organised enough to do the washing, so she spends more money on buying outfits for the children when we go out somewhere fancy with wider family.
Recently I just became so exasperated by it all. I have been working 4 jobs (she doesn't work, never held down a job), and doing the vast majority of the housework also. Cooking, cleaning, washing, putting clothes away, shopping etc.
I just came to the conclusion that the situation is not tenable like this. Not for me, and not for the family.
Likely, if she was here, she would mention my own faults (most correctly) and also add that she does do many things for the kids (Drs Appointments, Swimming lessons, Tutors etc.), I don't disagree with any of that - but it doesn't help me with my workload (house load).
In good news, she is willing to meet with a psychiatrist and look into options of medication. At an enormous cost (but worth it - hopefully), this will happen in two weeks time.
This is my first time telling this to anyone other than the few people close to our family who know.
I welcome your thoughts and comments.
I do have some specific questions also;
1. We are going on a 4 week family holiday this summer. As normal I want to make an itenerary as without structure it all falls apart. She finds the whole thing so stressful and keeps telling me we need to be flexible. Often I end up making it myself and she will come out with us most days but other days just stay in bed. Is there a better way of going about this and what are fair expectations of her?
2. Am I enabling her by taking care of the household so much? (At times I feel like a single Dad with 4 children, just running after them cleaning up mess)
3. How do I get out of the Parent Child dynamic and see the person behind the ADHD who I was so in love with?
4. I hate our room it is so messy, tried everything. Whenever she gets dressed, its like a bomb hit the place. Her cupboard and draws are all messy and it just spills everywhere. Any help with this?
(I have bought a copy of the book)
Thank you in advance,
A Non-ADHD Husband
Welcome
Submitted by Quercus McGurkus on
I'm the ADHD husband and your comments really hit home. I've done or said similar things that your wife is doing. Mine are more along the lives of forgetting bills, not taking care of tools, losing things, lack of planning.
I can say that my wife and I are having extreme problems now even though I am on meds for bi-polar and ADHD. She is still very very angry about how I behaved in the past and doesn't like being married to a person with ADHD or bi-polar.
1. I don't know your wife or her story so can't say what is behind the inability to plan. For me it was a combination of mental illness, family of origen issues ( my dad was controlling and a planner, he scared me, bad juju associated with planning), and hopelessness because of my repeated failures. The only thing that worked was watching How to ADHD on YouTube and learning to bullet journal. I'm not perfect at it and still forget waaaay to much but I'm doing better. When my wife liked me we could talk and she would ask me to plan one or two days worth of activities for a vacation. Maybe ya'll could find a neutral time/space and work out a few specific times for her to plan. I value spontaneous fun very highly but I'm seeing that a little planning makes it possible. I've never had 4 weeks off (that's great dude! ) but the thought of 4 weeks away from my homestead and routine really makes me twitchy. Maybe she feels the same anxiety, like, "I don't think I can hold it together that long and I'll disappoint everyone". I'm learning that the more humble I am and own my diagnosis and problems I can find solutions and heal relationships.
2. No idea brother. Open communication helps but until the ADHD person sees the problems it's tough to get a solution.
3. I'm still working on this. I'm taking the self study course here to help me. I've listened to Melissa's book once and need to read it and take notes. If you figure this out let me know. :)
4.My wife said the same thing to me regarding our garden, anytime I attempted a project, etc. Messy spaces really bother her. I don't see it and it has zero affect on me. It wasn't till I had meds that I could begin to see her side and try to do better.
I'm no saint either. I've done and said things I'm ashamed of and want to repair. I hope things get better and the doc your wife sees will be a help.
Suggestions
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Hello and welcome. I'm roughly in your situation and have a few thoughts.
1) About holiday planning - my ADD husband gets anguished if I ask him to contribute to planning. A successful vacation for our family I plan myself, making it generally airy and not too long (a few days is plenty). We then go on the trip and I expect to do all the work. I also expect my husband to withdraw to bed at any time, and spend about half of the time with the rest of us. Maybe your wife could join the rest of you only for a shorter time during the holiday? Or part of it could be relaxing in a non-sensory-overload location (quiet countryside or natural environment)?
2) For household work we've just tried a new strategy. We've had help from my husband's occupational therapist. ADD partners may need responsibilities with a wider acceptable time range to succeed. That could be laundry, house cleaning, car and bike maintenance and fixing up the kitchen after dinner. Non-ADD partners could be responsible for meal planning and preparation, social events, children's activities, homework, holiday plans, putting children to bed at night. These things require more planning ahead and timing. We'll see how it turns out.
3) I'm not sure its conceivable to get out of the parent-child dynamic without change in the ADHD partner. I have, however, started to pay close attention to which problems I should try to solve, and which I shouldn't get involved in. Some of my husband slips I just ignore. I'm not embarrassed about them either, since they are not my responsibility.
4) Separate bedrooms is the best thing for us. It relieves both of us. He doesn't need to be ashamed of his disorganization, I have a clean space. Both sleep better.
Best of luck!