Asking a question here............. I've read in the ADHD books (including Melissa's) about the ADHD forgetfulness. This forgetfulness is extreme and rampant. I see this in action when it comes to my ADHD husband's remembering important things that concern me or the family, etc., but mainly I see it in how he "forgets" what he/himself says and/or does. He says very hurtful things, behaves in hurtful ways BUT when I ask him about it he says "I don't remember that". But he will remember EVERYTHING someone says or does that hurts HIM......even "perceived" slights. He sees slights were there are none, but doesn't recognize or WANT to see when HE hurts people. Now to the question.........WHY don't the ADHD folks remember things they do on a regular basis? or is it a defense mechanism that use to get out of sticky situations. OR a true brain problem of remembering?....or both?........like when they say....."I don't remember that". Do they REALLY not remember? There are hundreds of stories here about ADHD spouses (many husbands) who won't accept their spouses "verbal side" of an issue. They deny, blame, accuse the spouse of making things up about them, etc., when we AREN'T, but this is what they do, and how they feel. I know JJaimeson has quite a handle on his ADHD and works it religiously, which I applaud with thunderous applause....(Hi, JJ) I'm just asking to see what any of the rest of you think.
The "forgetful" mode
Submitted by dedelight4 on 06/22/2014.
Recall
Submitted by sunlight on
My working hypothesis is that, in at least some people, this is sometimes a problem with recall, not with creating memories. I base this on the fact that after my ADHD husband started taking stimulant meds he could remember incidents (including who said what and who did not say something) that in the era before meds he could not recall in a way that was either consistent or (according to others) accurate. So I suspect that the recall abilility is affected by the current chemical brain activity at the time of attempted recall. Additionally in a situation where the ADHD person is feeling particular stress they may struggle even more with recall, or on the other hand those people who require stress to stimulate neuronal response may recall better under stress.
That is not to say that this is always necessarily a sufficient explanation. Some people may have problems creating memories and some may have problems with creation and recall. In other words, ancedotes are not statistically sufficient nor a form of controlled study, and each person may be significantly different from the next. Or in other words, it all depends on the person and the chemistry.
RE: Forgetful Mode
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Hi dedelight4,
I can't speak for every person with ADHD, but when I say I don't remember, I really DON'T remember. Sometimes, through the course of my husband talking, me trying to remember, or some other trigger, I can recall the actual events. Other times, I don't. This is not exclusive to fights or misdoings; it could be anything, really. I do find, though, that when my emotions are high, I tend to remember less following an emotional event.
I generally do not hang onto the past and dredge up every bad deed of my husband; it just isn't my style.
The truth is, our "memories" seem as real as our memories. It has taken many, many times of my husband disproving my "memories" for me to accept this better, and stop accusing him of making stuff up. I think what compounded this for me in the past was the state of our relationship. I had undertreated ADHD and a crappy marriage where I didn't trust my husband to have my best interest at heart, because we were always fighting. Now that we are doing better, I tend to trust him more and question him far less often.
I don't want to hurt my husband, and I certainly don't love it when he points it out (it's very hard to be the person who always makes stupid mistakes, which I can't emphasize enough), but I listen much better than I used to. Now I find he does the same for me. The other day, I was venting about my mother's untreated ADHD and its' effects on our (my mother and my) relationship. Almost immediately, he started making analogies between our behavior to let me know how that same behavior annoyed him when I act similarly. I paused, and said, "I understand my ADHD behavior annoys you, but when I need to vent to you about my mom, I don't always need you to turn it into a lesson."
His response: "You're right. I'm sorry."